WWYD - let go of a wonderful guy?

[Isitcoffeetime]

Been with DP for 3 years, he’s been living with me and my DD for 1.5 years.

He’s a lovely guy, very kind and treats me and my DD really well, I feel lucky to have met him. But there are some things which I’ve been thinking about lately which makes me wonder if we’re not right for each other:

• he lived at home with his parents until he was 36, his mum mollycoddled him. As a result he’s not very independent and he’s sometime naive in a childlike / teenager way. I’m the opposite to this, which makes me feel like I have more of the masculine energy in the relationship, it makes me feel like I’m his mum sometimes which is off putting.
• We have different priorities, he’s an easy going simple guy. Before he moved in with me his entire life was within a 1 mile radius, his parents home (where he lived), his work, his socialising with friends, his golf club, his football team- he was very content with this and his annual holiday abroad. Whereas I’ve moved abroad with work twice, I love travelling and always have the next adventure booked, I love seeing different cultures, going to different UK cities, I’m not much of a ‘home bird’, I like to have plans and things to look forward, whereas he’s just not bothered, but equally will go along with it all for my sake, which is kind of fine, but I want him to be doing it because he wants, whereas in reality he’d be happier back in the home town, going to the local spoons for an hour on a Saturday evening.
• We have different long term goals in life, I’m career driven and dream of early retirement and I’m doing everything I can to set myself up for that (paid off mortgage, good pension, no debt etc..) yet he is in a low income job, doesn’t own a property, doesn’t put much into a pension - while I’d like to retire late 50s and travel / move abroad or whatever, he won’t be in a position to do this. When I bring this up he thinks it’s a silly topic to get caught up on as we’re only 37/38 now.
• we bicker about small things a lot, the bickering doesn’t turn into big arguments or get in the way of us having a nice time together, but it can be draining and demonstrates that we fundamentally we have different points of view on a lot of topics.

What would you do? Keep this wonderful guy and accept that we’re different, I guess lots of couples have big differences? Or let him go so that both he and I can meet someone who we’re each more compatible with.

So not to drip feed, we don’t have any combined finances / assets that would cause a break up to get messy.

He doesn’t seem very wonderful, I think you already know the answer OP x

You're just different people with different values and expectations of life.

It doesn't matter how lovely and kind etc he is, if your goals are misaligned, you're always going to feel like this.

Neither of you is wrong. Just very, very different.

Wow, that's harsh. Not everybody has the same motivations, drive, ambitions. That doesn't make someone a failure. He could have a great personality, kind, caring,funny witty, intelligent.

Op, the undeniable problem is that you have very different aspirations. I can't see a future here.

I never suggested he was a ‘failure’. To me he is the definition of dull and parochial. A ‘great personality’ for me needs to include an essential curiosity about the world, which this man doesn’t appear to have.

Yes to you...doesn't mean someone else wouldn't think they're 'wonderful'.

He is from a small town/ area. He may work in low paid job because of opportunities or no belief in his capabilities. Having a content life is admirable. He is meeting yours needs....companion, sex, validating that you are successful at gaining a relationship and he may be able to have father children with you. His needs are similar companion, sex, validating that he is successful at gaining a relationship and he may want a family/ family life. Then the road diverges in a dramatic way as he will have to meet your needs and ambitions and you will have to understand his success which he has already achieved. He provides stability and has good qualities but you need to think 'about what is the best situation for your child's future is and who influences her. Bickering is " conflict " in milder terms. You may have to change some of your way of thinking to create stability ...like a trade off. Or quit the relationship and be on your own with your child. Being on your own with your child is still a measure of success.

Immanuel Kant never left his home town yet may have been the most curious man who ever lived. There's more than one way to skin a cat.

I would talk about some of this with him (maybe not the first point though- also equating naivety with feminine energy, not sure I agree with that!). And maybe also about the bickering, see if you can both pinpoint why it happens etc. I would try to talk some of this out (maybe even couples therapy?) if you love him

He doesn't sound the one for you. I think you may struggle to find someone who wants to and can retire so early so that may end up being a nice to have rather than a must but no, you need someone with a bigger world view, greater intellectual curiosity and self sufficiency. You will not find yourself fancying this man sexually for long. Although he has been a buffer between an abusive relationship and the future, there are more than those two possibilities.

Why you did not see those differences at the start of getting to know him and especially before moving in together?
How did you even find him attractive?
I don’t get it.

Oh just seen this

When women are traumatised, any guy who offers the bare minimum and socially expected behaviour feels like wonderful for some time.

OP, aknowledge the crucial help he has given you on healing from your past toxic relationship and wish him well.

He sounds like a favourite bra. Comfy and supportive but not very exciting.

Sat there for three hours in a power cut? That's not just lack of experience. That's just... lack...
He's a grown man, he could have taken on an adult role while he was still living with his parents. He could have found out about this stuff but he has an appalling lack of curiosity. Sat there like a pudding.
Ambition is one thing, but this person has looked at adulthood and decided he doesn't want it.

Gosh....get a puppy. 🤪

Your DP is really not wonderful just cos he's helpful and positive

The things you say make him wonderful are quite basic things in a relationship, even friendships. You should expect to give and receive those things from anyone. You can find someone with those qualities but who also shares your values and aspirations.

It’s sad to end a relationship with someone who is a good person but just not the right person for you but if you don’t you will probably end up sacrificing a lot of what you want from life. You might drag him along behind you for a while but there may well come a point when that becomes such a drain you give up and end up in Spoons every Saturday because it’s less hard work.

Well, at least he's not complicated. & he treats your DD well, that stands for something doesn't it? & he's working, he's not sitting around.

Even if you met a man with the same goals as you, you could end up in a competitive relationship where the man expects his ideals to take precedence. & as a mother, the next man you do meet then you'll need strong focus on how he treats your daughter, never mind if he matches up in every other way. You could even have another child, and life will change yet again.

I also don't think not owning a house is a reason to look down on someone. The house ownership obsession here is strange, not everyone has to buy into it. However this would put me off he is in a low income job, doesn’t put much into a pension but then its strange you dated him in the 1st place, given your lifeplans.

But if its something you can talk to him about then, do that. If not then just end things, you dont sound compatible and you clearly want a different type of man and the bigger lifestyle you could achieve together. Nothing wrong with that, but let your current go. Don't keep him around because he's helpful/useful to you in some ways. Best do it before your DD gets too used to him.

Yep! This.

Has he kept up with your sexual needs?
Are you done with having children? Is he happy with that decision.?
@EggChair says the lack of curiosity about the world would influence me.

You don’t think there might be a teensy difference between Konigsburg at the peak of Enlightenment thought and the OP’s dullard boyfriend’s preference for going to his locals ‘Spoons once a week?

Same.

after 20 years this caused a lot of resentment. It also created some unhealthy codependency dynamics where I felt responsible for a grown up man’s health, happiness, financial security.

knowing what I know now, I’d end it, OP.
Building a life with someone with a totally different level of drive, ambition and ownership is soul destroying.

This is who he is, there isn’t a version of him that are the things you want him to be.

My DD knew how to reset the router when she was 10. This man lacks the curiosity to be fully self sufficient, his mum has nothing to do with it.

Time to move on.

Who knows? Perhaps this guy is formulating a radical new philosophy while he drinks his £3 pint of San Miguel.

I was going to ask about your ex but you've answered that.

Nicely OP you've fell into a very common occurrence where you have a shit ex and then a gentle and kind man comes along and you think he is just wonderful but a few years down the line it becomes apparent that it was just the relief of a non abusive relationship that tricked you into thinking this new relationship was a good relationship. You just don't sound compatible and that isn't anyone's fault. Do yourself a favour and cut ties IMO.

Maybe you balance each other out? I guess it's more commonly the other way round the DH career driven and worrying about pensions and the DW more home focussed. If he's happy to go on exotic holidays, just wouldn't be his first thought that's OK isn't it? You introduce him to your world of travel and he's the home anchor. Do you find him boring or is he enthusiastic and interested in things, if more common place things? Seems like you're going to be the main bread winner, and the one to keep the finances in order which again is a bit of a role reversal, but not that uncommon nowadays.

How is he with your daughter?

I agree that some differences are fine and can balance out. But the sitting in the dark for 3 hours shows a real lack of imagination and motivation. That might grind you down over time.