In-law issues leaving Nan in law isolated

[finleysmummy]

What should we do? If anything?
My husband has had a very tumultuous relationship with his mum even through childhood which has resulted in us going non contact this past year (for a whole host of reasons).
This has been positive for myself, husband and kids (teens) who have found the reduction in stress so much better for our mental health.
The only downside is that my grandmother in law lives in an annexe attached to MIL and FIL.
My husband and his nan have a VERY close relationship, primarily because she became his main care giver for many years whilst MIL worked abroad when dh was a child.
MIL can't stand that they are close, it makes it very difficult for us to visit Nan in law as the inlaws will be looking out of their window or on occasions have come out of the house to see the kids.
NIL is obviously elderly, the in laws encouraged her to sell her car as they didn't want her driving due to age so she is now mainly housebound. MIL used to take her to hair appointments,shopping etc but since us going no contact she has gradually stopped taking NIL out, meaning she has to take taxi's to hospital appointments, hairdressers, get her own shopping etc. NIL has had to employ a cleaner as she can no longer do the housework and MIL no longer helps. MIL also rarely even pops in to see NIL, baring in mind she lives in an annexe to their house.
If we were to contact MIL (or FIL who is a narcissist and generally great and turning things around) about their treatment of dh Nan we know it would make life so much harder for her, as they would know she had spoken to us about their diminishing support of her and they are likely to isolate her even more.
Does anyone have any ideas on what we could do to make like easier for NIL or for a reasonable way dh could approach this with his mother?

how far away do you live?
how old is your nan in law? how capable of independent living?

if there was a chance that a reasonable approach to his mother would work… then unlikely you would have been nc in the first place

i’m guessing her moving in with you is a no no?

If there is no benefit of her living in the annexe can she move?

Is all of this being fed back from Nan? Does she get attendance allowance to help pay for things?.

Can you suck up the peering through the windows and go to see NIL anyway? Or DH go on his own if you want to leave the kids out of it?

I wouldn't let them looking out of their window or coming outside to see the kids stop you from visiting.
If your grandmother has lost her ability to drive or do for herself, she would likely be eligible for attendance allowance, although it may depend on whether she is classed as living with your pil. I don't really blame them for not wanting to clean or drive her to all of her appointments, but this is what the attendance allowance payment are intended to help with. Its a shame they don't see her often though. Can you put her in touch with a lunch club?

We literally live a few roads away, NIL will sometimes get a taxi to us. She is 86. She sold her previous flat which paid for the building work of the annexe so there would be nothing to sell as its now part of the in laws house.
Unfortunately, our house isn't suitable due to layout of living area and stairs otherwise we would have her in a heartbeat.
NIL tells us some of the things but some are fed back to us by others such as my parents bumping into NIL at the supermarket waiting for a taxi. She doesn't want us to take her as she is worried about any repercussions.
She doesn't need care at the moment and apart from the housework she is capable of cooking and washing etc and to be honest she was more than capable of local driving before her car was sold.

a few roads away?

Just pick her up and bring her back to yours for visits

sorted

Dh does go on his own as the in laws don't want to speak to him but if we go with kids MIL will either come out and start crying on the kids about how much she misses them and the emotional side and confrontation really impacts our sons anxiety (one of the reasons we backed off in the first place).

a few bloomin roads away op

just get in to a routine of collecting her and bringing her back to you

she’ll enjoy for the change of scenery and being with family

Dh does that at the moment but it's the fall out from her visiting us when she gets home that concerns us.
She sold her flat to build this annexe and for several years the in laws would involve her in their dinners, add her shopping to their online orders, do her washing.
I should add she doesn't have many appointments to attend and MIL is part retired. Myself and husband both work full time so are unable to take to appointments.

Sorry as I should have mentioned more clearly in the original post, it is the fallout she receives when she returns home that is the concern. The inlaws withholding support.

what support does she need though? doesn’t sound like much

Is NIL able to operate a mobility scooter? If she can then that would help her get some independence back.

Not a massive amount. She struggles in the way any elderly person does with regards to shopping, she can have flare ups of a condition but will now not be checked on when this occurs.
If they find out she has seen us they will ignore her or once fil was taking her home from a hospital appointment and found out she had seen us, when they got home he purposely pulled up so close to the wall so NIL would struggle to get out, slammed his door and went into the house leaving her to try and squeeze out with her stick and get to her door, she was really upset by this incident.
They may have (very rarely) made her dinner but find out we have visited and then just not take it into her.
It's really hard to think if all the occasions but it is the manipulation and isolation that they use when they find out we have seen each other that causes us the most concern- for her mental well being more than anything.

They sound dreadful!

would there be fallout if you added her online shop to yours and just dropped it off?

If MIL is semi retired, could you or DH drop it round when she is out or else just get a key (does she have a separate front door?) and let yourself in after they go to bed and pop it in fridge and cupboard.

She could also possibly get meals on wheels some days?

But your post says they have already stopped supporting her, so surely you visiting her or taking her on trips won’t make a difference except improve NiL’s life.

@SheilaFentiman possible fallout if we dropped off her shopping but it has made me thinking that maybe I could set up a new online account with her address and get it delivered straight there.
We both work full time so wouldn't be around to drop in shopping when MIL is out. She also works contracts so sometimes she works one day one week, then she might not work for a couple then she might do a week working from home.
They also don't let NIL now know when hey are going away, they will say they are going but be vague with dates and timings so she only knows they have gone when she sees house empty and doesn't know when they are returning.

@finleysmummy i do my mum’s online shop for her (she lives 100 miles away) but it is hard to get her to the £40 minimum sometimes! Hence suggesting you did it with yours.

Or I guess you could add stuff to hers that you need (washing up liquid, dishwashing tablets etc) and bring a box back every so often.

yes exactly

Morrisons through Amazon is quite good as they will leave outside in brown paper bags and she can take her time bringing it jn