In-law issues leaving Nan in law isolated

[finleysmummy]

What should we do? If anything?
My husband has had a very tumultuous relationship with his mum even through childhood which has resulted in us going non contact this past year (for a whole host of reasons).
This has been positive for myself, husband and kids (teens) who have found the reduction in stress so much better for our mental health.
The only downside is that my grandmother in law lives in an annexe attached to MIL and FIL.
My husband and his nan have a VERY close relationship, primarily because she became his main care giver for many years whilst MIL worked abroad when dh was a child.
MIL can't stand that they are close, it makes it very difficult for us to visit Nan in law as the inlaws will be looking out of their window or on occasions have come out of the house to see the kids.
NIL is obviously elderly, the in laws encouraged her to sell her car as they didn't want her driving due to age so she is now mainly housebound. MIL used to take her to hair appointments,shopping etc but since us going no contact she has gradually stopped taking NIL out, meaning she has to take taxi's to hospital appointments, hairdressers, get her own shopping etc. NIL has had to employ a cleaner as she can no longer do the housework and MIL no longer helps. MIL also rarely even pops in to see NIL, baring in mind she lives in an annexe to their house.
If we were to contact MIL (or FIL who is a narcissist and generally great and turning things around) about their treatment of dh Nan we know it would make life so much harder for her, as they would know she had spoken to us about their diminishing support of her and they are likely to isolate her even more.
Does anyone have any ideas on what we could do to make like easier for NIL or for a reasonable way dh could approach this with his mother?

Practical things that might help:
a befriender service to visit so she isn’t as lonely?
community bus or taxi - often a volunteer run service that can be reduced rate for visits to hospitals/services?
wilstshire farm foods for meals?

ask your gp practice if it has a links worker, they are very good at knowing the local sources of help.
as are churches in the area?

@notedgy absolutely. But in the short term they can sort some things which can make Nan’s life easier whilst they sort out the long term.

Sorry is it just me here but why aren’t any of you addressing this with the in laws.
Id be having it out with them big time.
It sounds like you are all scared of them. Sod that.
Tell them straight that your Nan is being abused and you’ll go to the authorities if it carries on.

Step FIL is definitely worse and he is the main driver behind the reasons for us going non contact with MIL to protect our kids mental health (it was originally him that we decided we didn't want to be in contact with for a while but then MIL backed him and things escalated). I do feel without step FIL and despite past childhood trauma dh and MIL would have made things work for the sake of NIL and the kids.

So this man has forced a wedge between your DH and his mum and now is abusing her elderly mother? Can you get DH's mum on her own to talk to her? If he's doing that to others, she's most likely getting the same treatment, or worse, behind closed doors.

I agree that they are dreadful people.

But I am not sure what they are doing would qualify as abuse to SS. Not taking NIL to appointments or to the shops when NIL is capable of getting taxis wouldn’t count, I don’t think. The parking too close to the wall was shitty and saying they will bring dinner but then not is also shitty, but NIL presumably had some food of her own.

Not excusing them. Just not sure “reporting them” will work.

Would definitely encourage OP to look into anything that NIL can get to make
her life easier without relying on them, though

Thank you for your kind response, we are taking this cautiously as we don't want to rock to boat for NIL, our own feelings do not come into this therefore asking for advice for those that are happy to share suggestions!

@Tomatoblush it's not a matter if being scared of them or not wanting to have it out with them as my dh would be straight round there but NIL doesn't want that and by us taking it up with them it would put NIL in an awkward and potentially worse situation as they would then k ow she was feeding stuff back to us.

Ah poor Nan 😢 How old is she.

I like the idea about her having a mobility scooter to give her some independence to get her hair done, pop to the chemist for her meds, the local shop for milk and a box of cakes (if she fancies a cake with a cuppa).

What I used to do for my elderly dad before his Alzheimer’s got so bad he had to go into a home was -

Go visit him twice a week and took dinner I had cooked for him. I had to have the gas on his cooker turned off because he kept putting the jets on without a light 💣 Sit and chat with him for an hour or so because he didn’t see anyone other than myself and my sister (Sister visited him twice a week on different days so somebody saw him throughout the week to check he was ok). I’d put a load of washing on for him. He managed to put the washing on the line and put the vacuum cleaner around himself.

Changed his bed when needed and just have a general tidy up although he kept his home lovely and clean himself.

I found a group he could attend every Wednesday. It was run by social services for older people to meet up, have a cuppa, play bingo or skittles and just be part of a group to chat with. I arranged for a taxi to pick him up and drop him back home on an ongoing basis.

I picked him up on a Sunday morning, took him shopping and he stayed at ours for dinner. Or we’d go out for dinner and a walk around the park, at his pace. He enjoyed that. I dropped him back home after tea.

I started ordering meals on wheels for him so he’d have a dinner on the days I didn’t visit, but he wouldn’t eat them. So I ordered frozen meals to be delivered so he always had something in the freezer. He managed to microwave them himself, to start with. As his illness progressed he couldn’t.

Even when older people are more or less still independent they miss having company and someone to chat to. Just having someone around, sometimes makes all the difference.

Your in laws sound horrid, cruel people. I wish nan could just move out of that toxic environment.

Have a chat with age concern. They will probably have some ideas of things going on that Nan may like to try.

I know one of the men that went to my dad’s group had a lady who used to visit him at his home once/twice a week just to chat as he had no family. I’m not sure if age concern or social services arranged that for him.

You can share your concerns about the way Nan is being treated with age concern or social services.

@SheilaFentiman this is exactly how we feel.
I work in child safeguarding and devastatingly see worse than this behaviour with some children and SS are so stretched that even a child doesn't reach threshold for support or intervention in similar situations (obviously I'm not saying this should be the case but is how it currently stands).
Right now we want to make her life as easy as possible whilst keeping a close eye.

@CelynMelyn thank you so much for your advice and ideas that worked for you and your Dad. He is very lucky to have such supportive family as you and your sister.
Dh is an only child so it's a shame we don't have anyone else to rant with or run ideas past.

@finleysmummy

Or don't do a weekly shop but every ten or so days to get to the £40 minimum delivery shop? Things like cheese last ages in the fridge, lots of things like fish, meat, bread, scones can go in the freezer to use as needed especially if she has a microwave with a defrost option. I live alone so this is what I do.

Get some longlife milk as well as fresh so she doesn't run out (I rarely buy fresh milk now as I rarely drink cold milk.) Maybe buy more frozen veg. I buy some frozen fruit to add to my morning porridge, cooked in the microwave. Eggs can last ages out of the fridge.

I'm sorry your NIL is being abused OP. Does she have her financial interest in the property registered with the Land Registry? You can look it up on the Gov.uk website or maybe the Land Registry or perhaps you can get some legal advice - sooner rather than later. 🌹

Oh that’s a good idea about frozen fruit and long life milk, it is mostly cos of getting milk and fruit that my mum needs stuff once a week.

Two things to consider regarding shopping the Co-op have a minimum order of £15.

Most fast food delivery firms also do shopping and the minimum order is much less than £40.