In-law issues leaving Nan in law isolated

[finleysmummy]

What should we do? If anything?
My husband has had a very tumultuous relationship with his mum even through childhood which has resulted in us going non contact this past year (for a whole host of reasons).
This has been positive for myself, husband and kids (teens) who have found the reduction in stress so much better for our mental health.
The only downside is that my grandmother in law lives in an annexe attached to MIL and FIL.
My husband and his nan have a VERY close relationship, primarily because she became his main care giver for many years whilst MIL worked abroad when dh was a child.
MIL can't stand that they are close, it makes it very difficult for us to visit Nan in law as the inlaws will be looking out of their window or on occasions have come out of the house to see the kids.
NIL is obviously elderly, the in laws encouraged her to sell her car as they didn't want her driving due to age so she is now mainly housebound. MIL used to take her to hair appointments,shopping etc but since us going no contact she has gradually stopped taking NIL out, meaning she has to take taxi's to hospital appointments, hairdressers, get her own shopping etc. NIL has had to employ a cleaner as she can no longer do the housework and MIL no longer helps. MIL also rarely even pops in to see NIL, baring in mind she lives in an annexe to their house.
If we were to contact MIL (or FIL who is a narcissist and generally great and turning things around) about their treatment of dh Nan we know it would make life so much harder for her, as they would know she had spoken to us about their diminishing support of her and they are likely to isolate her even more.
Does anyone have any ideas on what we could do to make like easier for NIL or for a reasonable way dh could approach this with his mother?

Could Dh picking her up and bringing her back to your place for visits work?

Seconding calling Age Concern. They will have heard similar before I'm sure.

What a sad situation, I feel for you all having to navigate this.

Picking NIL up for visits, online shops, a mobility scooter and follow up with SS / Age Concern about how to tackle possible elder abuse are all great suggestions.

Would NIL want to move out if she could? It may be worth seeing if there’s any way she could get her money back that she put into the annexe if so. Another possibility is to get the ball rolling on applying for social housing. Waiting lists generally for social housing are horrendous, but places in retirement developments usually come up more frequently. This could be a good option given the background of abuse, and especially if she can’t get back the money she put into building the annexe.

They've become abusive, therefore, she's now an abuse victim.
Involve safeguarding, social services, Age Concern or whoever they are now. Advocate for her and make sure they know you've got her back, and, if you can, get her out of there because they might get worse.
Go nuclear on them. Even threaten them with the police on the grounds of financial abuse - they took her money for their house and are now isolating her. Don't let them get away with it.

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to physically move, she has made her annexe her sanctuary and its beautiful.
There are days she says 'sod them' and seems quite upbeat.
We are going to put into place some of these options people have suggested to ease the daily struggles.
Looking into it further we believe the in laws (MIL and step FIL) bought the flat originally with a small amount of NIL savings contributing. So financially it appears when selling the flat they actually owned a much larger part which makes things a bit more tricky but also maybe more able to apply for social housing.
I will definitely contact age concern for advise on monitoring the situation.

I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to physically move,

but surely she’s been asked by dh or you before now eg after the car incident?!

when was the last time you saw her OP?

Does she ever visit?

She was due to come over for my birthday last weekend but was unwell. So was two weeks before that. Dh calls her every other day and we facetime with the kids.
We have spoken to NIL saying we wish we were able to have her here and she jokes saying 'you wouldn't want ab old bag like me living with you' laughing then will tell us things she has done to brighten up her place, we bought her two budgies that she has in a large cage and she loves caring for them and talks to them and will tell us all about what they are up to (which is never a lot as they are budgies lol!) so in terms of her living space she is very happy in that.

so when was the last time you saw her Op?

so a fortnight ago

and she comes over every fortnight? or was that a rare occurrence

my view? You and your DH need to stop the hand wringing about a potential fall out and collect nan every weekend to have her for the day with you and then the pop over to her whenever the mood so damn well takes you and DH. She’s a few roads away!

If the parents then start abusing her…. then it’s bloody serious and it’s not a “fall out” it’s abuse and needs to be reported

As others have said, this is clear abuse. A visit from adult social services to your in laws may make them think about their actions. Please don’t hesitate to make a call to them to protect a vulnerable person who you are unable to protect yourself.
I think also if you keep picking your nan up regularly, ensuring she has an independent food supply and a phone, then that will go some way to ensuring her safety.

We see her in person probably every 2-3 weeks but dh will pop in between these times.
Although we don't obviously want there to be a 'fallout' from visits, it's NIL that will often not agree to a visit for fear of upsetting MIL (her daughter).
From everyone's opinions on here I think we will encourage her to visit as much as she will agree to and ask her to let us know if anything happens following a visit (she will often keep things to herself as she doesn't like to cause upset) so that we can truly monitor the situation and step in as soon as its needed.

What they’re doing to that poor woman is horrendous. Withholding a meal because she’s seen you? Blocking her from getting out of a vehicle safely? Preventing her from getting her meds? How are you not totally losing your shit with them?!!!!

Is it the step FIL the one driving the abuse, OP, or is the MIL just as bad?

She ploughed all her savings into this annexe, but who owns it?

What would happen if (for instance) she needs to go into a care home at some point in the future - how would that be funded?

Step FIL is definitely worse and he is the main driver behind the reasons for us going non contact with MIL to protect our kids mental health (it was originally him that we decided we didn't want to be in contact with for a while but then MIL backed him and things escalated). I do feel without step FIL and despite past childhood trauma dh and MIL would have made things work for the sake of NIL and the kids.
@fromaytobe so from talking to dh as far as we are aware (they didn't talk about financial side as dh was younger when this happened). NIL lived in council house, in laws had very good jobs and bought NIL her own flat nearer to them (I believe alongside a small amount of her money). Therefore when they sold the flat it was mainly their investment that they then spent on the building work (I was under the impression it had been mainly NIL money). So I guess with NIL not having any ownership she would be entitled to social housing should the need arise?!
The annexe was fitted with a pull cord for any future need but i don't belive this is live yet.

Could you arrange for a taxi to pick her up and drop her back again? Make it a regular thing, say every other Sunday, at the same time.

That way you don't have to see your inlaws and your gmil doesn't have the bother of arranging it herself.

Plus, you could use some of that time to do some online shopping with her for food and other essentials.

Also there are companies that we cook and deliver food, like Wheels on Meals. Would she be open to this?

Wiltshire Foods is usually recommended for meals delivered to your door. More pubs/restaurants do deliveries since COVID too, certainly do in our area

@Thecatthatgotthesouredmilk @crumblingschools thanks for these suggestions I have just requested some brochures from a couple of companies to be sent through so I can show NIL when we next see her. That would definitely ensure she was eating properly even if she just used them for a couple of meals a week.

Ah - that makes the financial element have more sense then. Otherwise I could see SS saying that it is an intentional deprivation of assets and insisting that the property be sold to pay for her care, but if it wasn't all her money in the first place, that wouldn't apply. Nor would there be inheritance issues.

@notedgy but can’t do shopping, and would give her a break from cooking every day. OP said maybe for a couple of days a week.

So dh needs to talk to her about what support she needs and help her put it in place. Tbh she could virtually live at yours other than sleeping.