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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In-law issues leaving Nan in law isolated

91 replies

finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 17:01

What should we do? If anything?
My husband has had a very tumultuous relationship with his mum even through childhood which has resulted in us going non contact this past year (for a whole host of reasons).
This has been positive for myself, husband and kids (teens) who have found the reduction in stress so much better for our mental health.
The only downside is that my grandmother in law lives in an annexe attached to MIL and FIL.
My husband and his nan have a VERY close relationship, primarily because she became his main care giver for many years whilst MIL worked abroad when dh was a child.
MIL can't stand that they are close, it makes it very difficult for us to visit Nan in law as the inlaws will be looking out of their window or on occasions have come out of the house to see the kids.
NIL is obviously elderly, the in laws encouraged her to sell her car as they didn't want her driving due to age so she is now mainly housebound. MIL used to take her to hair appointments,shopping etc but since us going no contact she has gradually stopped taking NIL out, meaning she has to take taxi's to hospital appointments, hairdressers, get her own shopping etc. NIL has had to employ a cleaner as she can no longer do the housework and MIL no longer helps. MIL also rarely even pops in to see NIL, baring in mind she lives in an annexe to their house.
If we were to contact MIL (or FIL who is a narcissist and generally great and turning things around) about their treatment of dh Nan we know it would make life so much harder for her, as they would know she had spoken to us about their diminishing support of her and they are likely to isolate her even more.
Does anyone have any ideas on what we could do to make like easier for NIL or for a reasonable way dh could approach this with his mother?

OP posts:
skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 18:16

possible fallout if you dropped off food?

OP good grief you say they have nothing to do with her

she sounds quite independent and tbh a good thing that nasty people don’t have comm with her so collect her regularly and bring her back to yours and everyone stop worrying about a “possible fallout” that has already happened

FloofyBird · 20/04/2024 18:24

If they're not doing anything for her what sort of 'fall out' is there if you do stuff?

Original poster
finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 18:32

FloofyBird · 20/04/2024 18:24

If they're not doing anything for her what sort of 'fall out' is there if you do stuff?

MIL will often go in to hers and get quite agitated with NIL trying to put her on the spot, asking questions and being quite nasty. Although they don't help her out often or pop in to check she is ok, they do still have contact with her but that contact and those conversations become increasingly negative and will be even more nasty of NIL has seen us. They haven't cut her off so they still have plenty of opportunity to cause misery. If NIL hasn't seen us in a while they become more civil until another visit happens and they mat leave her in there poorly (NIl won't tell us at the time as she 'doesn't want to worry us' but afterwards will tell us that they wouldn't pick up her meds for her (around the corner) or check she had anything to eat etc.

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 20/04/2024 18:42

If I was Nan I would be telling in-laws I want my money back so can move out, so either they buy her out or sell the house.

Original poster
finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 18:49

MyWhoHa · 20/04/2024 17:47

Is NIL able to operate a mobility scooter? If she can then that would help her get some independence back.

This is a good suggestion as that would at least enable her to get to hairdressers and local shop independently.

OP posts:
Gazelda · 20/04/2024 18:50

If they're depriving her of access to meds, I'm sure the pharmacist would deliver.

And maybe you should speak with adult safeguarding team? She sounds vulnerable.

Original poster
finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 18:53

Gazelda · 20/04/2024 18:50

If they're depriving her of access to meds, I'm sure the pharmacist would deliver.

And maybe you should speak with adult safeguarding team? She sounds vulnerable.

That's a good idea, I may see if I can arrange the pharmacy delivery for her.

In the cases of being poorly it has generally been heavy hold or flu so meds would be things like cold and flu remedies rather than her medications she takes daily for other conditions (at least I hope they still ensure she has those).

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 20/04/2024 18:56

If they are depriving her of her meds I would get adult social services involved.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/04/2024 19:02

So they are actively punishing her by not providing her with the support she believed would be there (when she got the annex built and moved in next to either her son or daughter and their partner being her SiL or DiL). Isn't that elder abuse?

Can you report them for elder abuse? They aren't helping her with shopping and are actively taking out their frustrations on not having a relationship with you and your kids on her.

They really do sound truly horrible people.

IBegYourBiggestPardon · 20/04/2024 19:04

They sound abusive.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/04/2024 19:07

The incident you described where FiL parked so close that she struggled to get out of the car and left her to it without helping her would be an example of elder abuse. He could have parked differently but he didn't because he was so angry.

How about getting pamphlets and leaflets sent to their home (MiL and FiL) on anger management courses or therapy? Then in a few weeks, move on to Elder Abuse leaflets and sign them up to be on a mailing list for them.

skipit8103 · 20/04/2024 19:13

this is very odd

worrying about the fall out

rather than what seems the very real abuse of this elderly woman

Original poster
finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 19:15

@LookItsMeAgain @IBegYourBiggestPardon This is exactly it and I now realise my original post didn't quite get to the point or explain our concerns.
It's the mental health/ emotional side of things that seem to be the biggest factor for NIL and cause upset. Practical wise we would always make sure she wasn't without.
It's how we can approach this side without making it worse for her.

OP posts:
TellerTuesday · 20/04/2024 19:57

And has DH or yourself not thought about going round to PIL and reading the pair of twats the riot act? Because that would be my first reaction although I am quite volatile by nature

SheilaFentiman · 20/04/2024 20:06

The pharmacy should deliver, they do to my mum (housebound)

JSMill · 20/04/2024 20:14

What a horrible situation. It's so sad to think of a person living their last years like this. I wonder if you should involve social services.

fromaytobe · 20/04/2024 20:17

finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 17:28

Dh does that at the moment but it's the fall out from her visiting us when she gets home that concerns us.
She sold her flat to build this annexe and for several years the in laws would involve her in their dinners, add her shopping to their online orders, do her washing.
I should add she doesn't have many appointments to attend and MIL is part retired. Myself and husband both work full time so are unable to take to appointments.

Show quote history

What concerns me is that it appears she has sold a property and spent all her money on the building of this annexe.

What legal financial arrangements were made about who owns what? Does she own any of the property at all, or do the PILs own the whole thing including the annexe?

Ladyprehensile · 20/04/2024 20:17

There are elements of “elder abuse” here.
Speak to social services if only for advice.
Poor dear lady. It sounds awful for her.
Start keeping a diary of events.

AllosaurusMum · 20/04/2024 20:18

Do you feel like your DH owes his parents making them dinner, cleaning their home, driving them around, getting cold meds when they’re 86? His he planning to do all this work for his parents? No? He expects them to sort it themselves when they’re older. Mil doesn’t owe any of this to NIL either. She needs to sort it out herself just like you expect the in laws to when they’re older.

SheilaFentiman · 20/04/2024 20:24

AllosaurusMum · 20/04/2024 20:18

Do you feel like your DH owes his parents making them dinner, cleaning their home, driving them around, getting cold meds when they’re 86? His he planning to do all this work for his parents? No? He expects them to sort it themselves when they’re older. Mil doesn’t owe any of this to NIL either. She needs to sort it out herself just like you expect the in laws to when they’re older.

Err? NIL has invested her savings in an annexe at MIL’s house. So a bit different.

Anyway, it isn’t so much them stepping back that’s a problem, it’s them taking revenge on NIL if she sees OP’s family. And if they are doing an online shop and NIL basically lives in the same house… kinda churlish not to add extra milk and pasta and drop it through the door!

carly2803 · 20/04/2024 20:25

this is really sad

whats the money stuation? can she get her money back/is it protected and go into sheltered accomodation?

Original poster
finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 23:44

AllosaurusMum · 20/04/2024 20:18

Do you feel like your DH owes his parents making them dinner, cleaning their home, driving them around, getting cold meds when they’re 86? His he planning to do all this work for his parents? No? He expects them to sort it themselves when they’re older. Mil doesn’t owe any of this to NIL either. She needs to sort it out herself just like you expect the in laws to when they’re older.

Not at all, but they encouraged her to move in with them on the basis they could look after her as she got older. They encouraged her to get rid of her car for 'safety reasons' but also means they can now fit their own vehicles and caravan on the drive.
We dont automatically owe it to our parents to help them in old age but i wouldn't think twice about helping my parents with shopping, appointments, house care etc once they get to that stage of life. It's something I feel would come naturally. My dad recently had a stroke and we all pulled together to ensure his needs both physically and emotionally were met, we didn't even question it.

OP posts:
AllosaurusMum · 21/04/2024 06:51

finleysmummy · 20/04/2024 23:44

Not at all, but they encouraged her to move in with them on the basis they could look after her as she got older. They encouraged her to get rid of her car for 'safety reasons' but also means they can now fit their own vehicles and caravan on the drive.
We dont automatically owe it to our parents to help them in old age but i wouldn't think twice about helping my parents with shopping, appointments, house care etc once they get to that stage of life. It's something I feel would come naturally. My dad recently had a stroke and we all pulled together to ensure his needs both physically and emotionally were met, we didn't even question it.

Show quote history

But we’re not talking about your parents. His parents are fully aware they will be getting no help from their son when the time comes. Look his parents are assholes. I’m not saying otherwise but awful people don’t think they’re the awful ones. They feel you’ve wronged them. They aren’t willing to help NIL out because she’s friendly with people who wronged them.
The truth is they know you and DH won’t be helping them. They may have been helping NIL because family helps family. Now they know there will be no help for them and NIL supports that by supporting you and DH. They dont want to help NIL anymore and they don’t have to.

upinclouds · 21/04/2024 07:14

I'd be contacting age concern for some advice and trying to get her out of that living situation.

I don't know if she would qualify for social housing having sold her flat to build the annex but given the abuse that's going on, it might be a possibility. Maybe worth looking into? I know someone who got social housing even though they part owned a property, due to marital breakdown - maybe this would come under similar circumstances?

NWQM · 21/04/2024 07:31

Hope this doesn't sound like a daft question but what does she want? I would start by talking to her if you haven't. I get that you find it hard to hear what they do but how does she react to it. It sounds abusive so I am not staying at all if she is 'happy' to put up with it then you should. I am saying though that your husband will get no where with your in-laws so what does his grandmother want.
If she is happier for you to pick up to spend time with her great grandkids do that. If she wants to host brazen it out with the in laws. Give her some control as they are taking it
You have had practical suggestions here and I would echo speaking to Age Concern about it all. All the practical things can be sorted just as you might if she lived on her own. They can check her income and make sure she maximises it.
Above all don't lose contact. Get her a separate cheap but functional mobile phone if needs be.
You know your in laws are unpleasant people. She knows her son / daughter too. If you both feel this could or is getting worse then report the situation.

There is no way to protect whereby this doesn't get more unpleasant. You know already really that they are not going to say 'yes, true we are being awful. Sorry we will change.'