Partner has memory Box of his ex

[Bythecoast]

Help.

in a first relationship after the end of a long marriage. Have know the new man for 6 months and in a relationship for 4 months. He has told me he loves me and we spend a lot of time together. It feels very special and loving and committed already.

im in his house and have just found next to the bed a book of photos of him with his ex. And being a total idiot I then opened a drawer and found a collection of love notes, cards, sentimental things. That relationship ended perhaps 2 years ago. Is it a red flag that he is keeping hold of these things?

I am a sentimental person myself but I do not feel the need to hold onto all the sentimental stuff from my marriage so I’m finding it hard to understand why anyone else would. Should the past stay in the past?

I wouldn't see him keeping them as a massive red flag, but that they were so close to hand.... maybe. In a box in the lift would be different.

I would personally say keeping hold of them somewhere is not a red flag (they are part of his history, trips he went on etc) but next to the bed is a bit concerning

Do you have pictures and cards etc with your ex? It's a shame to throw these things out as it's someone's history of their life. I would expect your current partner to not have it next to his bed though.

Yes it’s the fact it’s right next to his side of the bed at the top of a pile that has me feeling a bit weird. And the drawer has only things from the ex in, mostly love letters.

I don't think that you can reasonably expect someone to bin this kind of stuff, especially at the stage of relationship you're in. If you were moving in together after several years and you found he'd gone out of his way to pack it up and bring it to a joint home, that would be a little odd but in this specific circumstance it's more about your own insecurities.

He might just have never got round to moving them. Maybe he never notices them. But anyway, he keeps mementoes of a time when he was happy, with someone who meant a lot. Now he's happy with you, it sounds. He's moved on. Unless he harps on about her I wouldn't let it intrude on your happiness in the present.

He’s talked a lot about that relationship and about how sad and rubbish it was. I think that’s what makes me wonder.

You're looking through his private things in his house?

I would feel uneasy about this .

The fact that he talks about her a lot and has all these things close to hand is a bit concerning. Are they still in touch?

Mentionitus is the red flag here I think.

This is nuts

99% of men don't keep sentimental stuff like this and 1) not next to the bed and 2) AFTER TWO YEARS?

Yep. Feel like an idiot !

He said she contacted him to ask if he was seeing somebody. (A few Months ago) that’s all I know about contact. Think still connected on SM too

I don’t think that being in a drawer beside his bed is more concerning. It’s probably just a drawer like any other drawer, I know I wouldn’t give elevated importance to the contents of the drawer beside my bed.

It’s probably normal enough to snoop particularly when feeling insecure in a relationship.

Can you chat to him OP and tell him how you feel?

Another perspective: a decade ago I dated a guy who was quite into sending cards, taking selfies together and printing them out. It didn't last long. When we broke up I shoved everything into a box and hid it away somewhere. Didn't feel like binning it at the time, not sure why as the break up was pretty horrid, but certainly didn't want to see any of it and I considered shutting it all up in a box an act of closure, but then.... I completely forgot about it. Fast forward a few years and I was moving out to move in with my now DH and I found the box! But I would have been mortally offended at the idea that I'd "kept" it, from my perspective I'd removed all tokens of him out of sight and then bloody well forgotten about it because it meant nothing to me any more. Is that a possibility here?

Its not a red flag that they valued a long term relationship they were in. Far from it. Most men would have chucked this stuff in the bin without a second thought.

It doesn't matter where it's kept. It may be that's where it was always kept. Reading way too much into this.

The relationship is over but it still existed, that can't and shouldn't be erased, it's made him who he is today.

My bf wasnt over his ex and kept framed photos of her around and text her. He still wanted that connection and in all honesty he was playing emptional games. He knew it wasnt fair but he refused to stop even when it was wrecking our new bond.

I dont think what you have seen is too bad as i wouldnt just throw away pictures etc. But its the way its handled. The bigger picture. Is he talking about her alot. Is he always taking you to places he took her? Is he comparing you. Do you feel compared. Is he communicating with her. Does he talk about things maturely.

Those are the things you need to ask yourself

I wouldn't think it's a red flag. I still have a box of love letters from exH. It was a lovely relationship, it ended, but I haven't forgotten it.

A book of photos next to his bed and love letters in his bedside table? No, not comparable with your situation.

How would you feel if he'd been rummaging about in your private things? Do you think that would be just as much a red flag?

for posters suggestion you ask him about the stuff. How do you envisage that conversation going? "Hi, I was having a nosey in your bedroom when I came across the stuff in your drawer..."

I know how the thread would have gone if you'd posted from the POV of a woman whose partner had been through her things!

@Bythecoast have you told him you've been snooping through his stuff?

that'll probably fix the situation for you.

did he say how the relationship ended? did he end it, did she end it.. did she pass away?

it may be that there are there and have been forgotten about, i dont think there is any relevance to where they are.

should you have been snooping through his drawers? why were you snooping through his drawers?

i'd say there are a couple of red flags depending on the situation. Your snooping is a red flag... depending on why he has kept the stuff could be a red flag!

i still have photos of some of my ex's, not particularly in any special places, but they are still memories

@Bythecoast another possibility is that he has been sorting through them as he is happy with you, and will out that part of his life away now.

Maybe have another snoop look in a few months and see if they've gone?

You obviously should not have gone through the drawer, but you did and can't undo it.

I don't think it's a red flag that he's kept those things, it's the fact he's kept them specifically - if there was a box or drawer of various cards and sentimental items that included things from a relationship, fine. It's the collecting them and only them that would make me uneasy, combined with him talking about her a lot, and those things after two years.