Partner has memory Box of his ex

[Bythecoast]

Help.

in a first relationship after the end of a long marriage. Have know the new man for 6 months and in a relationship for 4 months. He has told me he loves me and we spend a lot of time together. It feels very special and loving and committed already.

im in his house and have just found next to the bed a book of photos of him with his ex. And being a total idiot I then opened a drawer and found a collection of love notes, cards, sentimental things. That relationship ended perhaps 2 years ago. Is it a red flag that he is keeping hold of these things?

I am a sentimental person myself but I do not feel the need to hold onto all the sentimental stuff from my marriage so I’m finding it hard to understand why anyone else would. Should the past stay in the past?

I don't think you have to torch your entire past when you enter a new relationship. Maybe he is just trying to remember the good times they had with the things he kept.

I think if a woman posted on here that she had been dating someone for 4 months and he had gone snooping through her private possessions we would be saying it was not on. Once you realised what the things were you should have stopped immediately.

In my case , I destroyed every photo of my ex , his cheating destroyed me , so we all deal with things differently.

And being a total idiot I then opened a drawer and found a collection of love notes, cards, sentimental things

See, you know you shouldn't have looked.
Since you asked, yes I'd find it weird that he has those things still.

Tbh it's probably just still in there from before they split. Just flung in the drawer and forgotten about.

So long as he never starts comparing you to her or making you feel like he sees her as the one who got away, I'd be inclined to shut the drawer and mind my own buisness.

You're only 4 months in. You're not the love if his life yet. And that's OK.

Be careful that he's not some sort of a love bomber though.

Maybe he’s just lazy and doesn’t look in there?

If you are snooping I think this relationship is already over.

I'd be concerned that these were so close to hand 2 years post-relationship.... I'd also be put out by your snooping. He doesn't sound over the XW and you sound like you have self-esteem issues.

It’s human nature to be curious but you took a step too far when you went into that bedroom drawer.

Myself and my DP still have lots of photos and items relative to previous relationships. Doesn’t bother either of us one little bit.

Stay out of his stuff. You’ll be going through his phone next. Stop snooping.

Yes it’s a red flag that they’re in such close proximity but also, please don’t minimise what you done by saying you were ‘a total idiot’ as if it was just being daft and harmless because you did actually abuse someone’s trusty by rooting through their private stuff and that is also a red flag to be honest. No judgment I’m just saying, you’re minimising what you’ve done too. If a guy went through my stuff he’d be out the door. That aside, yes, it’s not great at all and if have a lot of questions too.

I’m pretty chilled but wouldn’t be okay with this. Particularly not right next to the bed. In a box in the loft rarely looked at but not thrown away then fine. It could be that he just hasn’t got around to sorting it, but no, I wouldn’t be happy with this.

I don’t think this is odd.

It’s part of a person’s life history.

it’s weirder if they scrub that person out of their life.

My current bf had things from his ex all around his room for well over a year after we were together. Including a drawer of her nightwear/underwear/toiletries that she’d never collected.
It hurt at the time and I couldnt understand why he didnt get rid of them and how he couldnt realise how having them around made me feel. I didnt ever mention it and when he eventually chucked them out it felt like a milestone.

As time went on I realised he is just one of those people who doesnt chuck things out and is quite sentimental, and that keeping things wasnt specific to her but all the people he cares about…and actually there is something quite sweet about that as it means he feels deeply, which I like

Thank you so much for all the replies.

I was having a few doubts about it so when I saw the book next to the bed it just made my heart sink and confirmed what I’d been worrying about I suppose. Definitely a reflection on my feeling of insecurity too.

This. Massive red flags .

My chap wouldnt think to clean out his drawer etc until he needed to make space for something else.

people react and think differently about this kind of stuff.

I wouldn’t sit there going through all
my drawers and binning the stuff after a break up no matter who instigated it. In time as I came across stuff I might move/bin etc but not immediately. I wouldn’t give it a second thought.

the only thing I’d be looking at in my home were the photos on display if they had my ex in. Did they make me feel negative - then they’d go. In a new relationship then I’d probably take them down so my new partner didn’t feel weird. It depends on contact of items etc.

My partners bedside table is crammed with stuff on top and in drawers. I wouldn’t presume he could recall what was on it let alone regularly looked at it.

Bottom of the wardrobe? Fine

Next to the bed? Noooooooooooooo

As others have said, it's quite normal to keep things like that. I have a few sentimental things from exes that I wouldn't want to get rid of - it's part of my past, and some of those relationships I do look back on fondly, even though they were not right and didn't last, it doesn't completely invalidate them.

The problem is that he's keeping them so close at hand and might still be looking at them and thinking of her. I'd also be a bit concerned that they've had recent contact a few months ago.

Do you know how long ago the relationship was, and how long they were together for? Does he say anything about how he feels about her now?

It could mean something but keeping those things doesn't mean that it does.

For context, I despised my exH by the time I finally ended the relationship and divorced him. And even now, several years on, I feel I have healed and don't feel that I hate him any longer (I rarely ever think of him at all and prefer it this way)...but the odd time I do happen to reflect on our marriage/his behviour, there is no fondness whatsoever. I still think he is a horrible person and I would never want to see him/have any contact with him again.

But...I still have a box full of mementos and letters etc (locked away in a chest that I never need to get into) from when we were dating. I never look at it as I don't want to be reminded of the fake persona he presented in the early days...but I can't seem to throw it out because it is still part of my experiences/life story.

I also don't bring up my ex in regular conversation or keep this box somewhere easily accessible, and as I sad I have no communication with my ex whatsoever...so...it might be a little different if your BF does 🤷‍♀️

I suspect that things are not completely done, emotionally, with her.

NOT because of the keepsakes - I have lots of them from my many exes, including every card and love letter I was ever sent (except from the abusive ex).

It's the talking about the relationship and the contact with her (social media and when you began dating) that are ringing alarm bells. Also, after 2 years there's no way I'd still have love letters and stuff next to my bed. By 2 years out, the whole thing would under most circumstances be done and dusted - keepsakes boxed up to make room long ago, and the need to talk about the relationship long-gone.

It's difficult to make a new connection when you haven't truly broken the old one. Proceed with caution, because you may be a sticking plaster girlfriend, or someone designed to get the ex's attention (which you have).

In fairness, he probably really WANTS to move on, and WANTS to love you (and believes he does), and he may not even be aware himself of how much he is still focussed in the past.

For now, I'd be using it as a data point and be holding on to my heart for a while longer.

Looking through his things is a massive breach of his privacy. Especially so new into the relationship. The only red flags I can see is from you.

Not to be gross (but it totally is) but that’s blatantly cry/wank material. It’s actually super creepy that it’s still there from 2 years ago. And if he invited you into his bed he very well knew you might stumble across it - but still didn’t put them away. Red flags allllll over the place with this one.

edited to add that keeping stuff in itself isn’t creepy ie not throwing stuff away and it languishing in the loft with your school yearbook and pictures of old friends and some school reports. But keeping it next to the bed or even in his room is.

Ouch. Why is MN so harsh!

years ago I did the same, looked through my boyfriends box of stuff and it was full of his exs stuff…their wedding photos etc I couldn’t help myself! Love letters, cards. I figured I’d looked so may as well be thorough!
I also found that he’d simply put a pic of us over the photo of him and his ex in a photo frame 😅(I guessed he’d done this and years later when we moved I had a look and there it was his old pic with his ex).

Basically he was lazy…he binned the box that day and that was that.

I think it depends on the relationship. I knew that our relationship was solid and I was happy and trusted him.
weve been married for years now.

BUT if I’d found this box and was having doubts or his reaction wasn’t great then it would probably be the final straw.

‘My chap wouldnt think to clean out his drawer etc until he needed to make space for something else. ‘

HA ha, just what I was going to post. When I took up with now DH he had loads of stuff from his exWife in his flat and they had been separated for SEVEN Years. He didn’t seem to notice it or pay it much attention, it was just there ( under the piles of old tickets, menus, a cricket bat autographed by his favourite team, some holiday souvenirs….) most ? all? these responses are by women , who -sexism alert- tend to be tidier and more sentimental than men.

He still had some of this gubbins the third time I was packing up for a move after many years. I asked him whether he really wanted them. He seemed amazed that he still had them, so we ditched them. ( Actually I kept some of the wedding photos it just seemed a bit irreverent to chuck them).

I didn’t go rooting around in his drawers though, I just came across them in a futile attempt to clear some space for my stuff. That would have been a bit yuck.

pS he is ( a bit) tidier now.

You have been together 4 months just over 17 weeks and already snooping.
How would you feel if he went snooping around your home without your say.
I have a pics of my ex from 21 year ago but its not him i keep them for its the holiday happy times pics of my other mates are in some of the photos.
Not that I can't get over him i have its just a memory now.
You would be my red flag knowing you went snooping in my home private to me after 4 months of being together.
It like your trying to find any red flag to hang on him.

I had this with an ex. It made me feel very weird (his was from an ex 5yrs beforehand!) He had 2 drawers full and 2 large bags full of clothes in his cupboard, a box of vibrators in with the clothes too 😳 It was the framed photo of the two of them on his bedside table that made me feel worse initially bit the more I discovered the weirder it got. He didn't see the issue at all. He had also had a 2yr relationship in between so I really didn't understand how he had made so much space for his x2 exes stuff...

For me it was the start of a lot of weirdness. I'm biased here because of everything that came after but I'd advise asking questions (lots and lots, dont be happy witb vague as I
was, as what you need to and pay attention to what he avoids and dismisses) and keep those spicy senses alert in case he has some ishoos.

the drawer they are in is void of anything else, only stuff from the ex.