Partner has memory Box of his ex

[Bythecoast]

Help.

in a first relationship after the end of a long marriage. Have know the new man for 6 months and in a relationship for 4 months. He has told me he loves me and we spend a lot of time together. It feels very special and loving and committed already.

im in his house and have just found next to the bed a book of photos of him with his ex. And being a total idiot I then opened a drawer and found a collection of love notes, cards, sentimental things. That relationship ended perhaps 2 years ago. Is it a red flag that he is keeping hold of these things?

I am a sentimental person myself but I do not feel the need to hold onto all the sentimental stuff from my marriage so I’m finding it hard to understand why anyone else would. Should the past stay in the past?

I was thinking about this, I have absolutely nothing that would worry me about him looking at anything in my home, my phone even etc. I feel completely comfortable with that.

We spend a lot of time in each others homes, but yes. 4 months isn’t long is it? It’s been a magical 6 months of getting to know each other and the connection feels as if it has been for years. I came across the photo book by accident when I picked up another book to have a look at (it was underneath) it did feel a bit of a shock given way things had been going and the things I’ve been told about the past.

What is a love Bomber???

haven’t started a new relationship in over two decades, total novice!!

I've been with my partner 18 years but I still have a memory box with letters and stuff from exes. It's in a cupboard, not easily accessible and I never look at it except when we're moving house or having a big clear out... but I like having it and I would never get rid of it. I had a life before my partner.

I think context is everything here. If you're snooping because you have other concerns, this is possibly a red flag given it's close to his bed. If everything else is great and this stuff is just wherever there's space for storage it's no big deal.

Also, I wouldn't be particularly keen on my partner of 18 years looking through my phone.
Not because I have anything to hide, but because I have private conversations with friends and my mum which he doesn't need to read. Nothing to do with him, but not his business.

He could look through the memory box if he wanted, though I doubt he would.

Next to the bed. Yeah he's looking at those regularly and remembering her. Presumably fondly.

That said, you are 4 months in so it's not surprising he's not retiring this stuff to a box in the wardrobe yet. It's really early days and I'm surprised you're saying you're in love. Maybe just loved up.

I'd keep quiet and see when he moved that collection out. That will be a better indication of where his head is at than him saying he loves you. Don't go getting giddy over him just yet.

The only red flag here is you going into drawers and through his personal belongings.

I have my diaries and old letters and notes from different times in my life in my bedside table. Doesn’t mean that i am holding on to the men I used to date who wrote me those letters, etc. But it is my life and my history.
I also very rarely actually open my bedside table drawers. Only to get out sunglasses, that for some reason, also live there.

OP - my advice is to focus on the life that os actually in front of you. Don’t let your insecurities spoil your relationship.

And also - you are NOT committed after 4 mo. You don’t really know each other well enough. You are still in the early phases of a relationship - with both still projecting the best versions of yourself.

Just let it all unfold and grow naturally.

I have a biggish memory box of my (recent ) ex but I've put it somewhere right out of my personal space (my bedroom).

I think there are quite a few red flags here: the box; the fact he talks about her a lot still, and that she contacted him recently.

You should tread carefully.

This seems like such sensible advice, thank you

Lovely advice, thank you!

I don't see it as a red flag. I left my ex 21 years ago but I still have photos abd love letters from them. It's not like I often look at them but I wouldn't bin them either. He was a big part of my life, it's my history. I'm not going to pretend it didn't happen.

Oh god. I've just realised I've got some photos of ex's in a drawer near my bed along with other photos of my life. I'm happily married for 27 years!

I think red flags are snooping and also people who really slag off ex's. Unless there are other signs he's not over her I wouldn't worry (but I might move the photos I have!)

Going snooping and seeing someone’s private stuff is overstepping a boundary. Him keeping this stuff is normal and he is probably through stuff to put away someone. It would be a red flag from me if my partner was rifling through my stuff

@Bythecoast

"We are all different as individuals, "

Just cause you wouldn't keep love interest mementoes from your past,

Doesn't mean he has to throw his previous love interests mementos in the waste bin 🙄 to please you
Cause you feel have insecurities,

Doesn't mean we have to morph into being pseudo clones of our new relationships either,

Nothing wrong having previous love ❤️ sakes mementoes,
You can't erase memories like that or be expected to,

You are not in competition with previous ex partner of your new partner

Good and bad experiences are who have helped to make him who he is today..

4 months? vs a marriage? 😂

He can keep what he likes, wherever he likes. In his home.

Never discuss this and never mention it. HE will run a mile.

@Bythecoast

I agree with @SunflowerTed and @DirtyCheeseBurger posts too, who regard snooping around in regards of personal and private things mementoes as boundary breaking and a red flag to boot too,

@BlackStrayCat

You are totally right in your post in regards of snooping,
He will run a mile if @Bythecoast started to discuss this insecurity of theirs in regards of your new partner's love ❤️ mementoes,

If he has got any sense/ emotional intelligence as this comes across as being possessive and controlling klaxon signs..

Take heed.!

Some not very thoughtful posts OP. I don't think it is uncommon for new couples to look through drawers, particularly in a bedroom. I think some posters also seem to think he was married, when it was you who were married.

Either way, he hasn't boxed these items up or put them somewhere as if he has moved on or is willing to make room, literally, for new things in his life. I had the same concerns and brushed them off as "he's male, probably doesn't even think to tidy" but really he was oddly tidy about everything else in every other room. Only you know if you feel comfortable enough to talk to him about it. I don't think it is weird to feel a certain way about it either. We are human. A lot of people would rather know if something was upsetting their partner and if I had something a new partner didn't like I would hope they would mention it if it meant they were worried or seeing me in another way. I'd make the choice to put together a memory box and put it in a cupboard if it were me over loosing a new relationship, as I think a lot of adults would. Obviously the flip side is he thinks it is acceptable and will never move the items and just hope a future partner deals with it and doesn't find it odd or feels to awkward to mention it.

Not uncommon to look through someone's drawers? Wait what!?. I've never even looked through DHs drawers after 27 years together.

so I get why you might have those thoughts and if it were me it might cross my mind too but its early days.

Also - not wishing to generalise too much - but maybe he literally doesn't notice them anymore i.e. he is a man, shoved them somewhere 'practical' and then forgot they were there etc or perhaps you were coming to stay over for the first time and he was doing what we all do, running round and ''tidying'' up and shoving things away, and then 3 months later hasn't moved them because he forgot/doesnt notice them/never uses that draw or box or maybe he has a list of things he would rather do than go through that stuff.

When I got divorced it took me a long time to get rid of all the things, wedding albums, cards, dress, memories. Not because I missed my ex (I didn't and I initiated the divorce) but more because I just cleared up as I went along rather than having a ceremonious cull of all the stuff. Getting rid of the stuff was not my priority I had other things I fancied doing more.

I met my husband when l was 16.. split after 12 years.. my first love.. we travelled the world together.. we had so many adventures.. he was an artist and would draw me pictures. Buy me soft toys.. I've kept everything in a memory box..even recipts of places in America where we went.. also a box of photos ( hundreds) but we have a daughter together.. she's 40 and I'm saving them for her for when we are no longer on this earth.. she can choose what she wants to do with it.
I can't remember last time l looked at it myself.
But l have fond memories.
I have been in long term relationships since and they knew was for my daughter and never bothered them.. nor did they want to look.

Yes, but you have obviously told them about it. This is not the same, this is an ex who is long gone and still takes prime position next to the bed...he hasn't even explained it.

My Mum has sexy love letters from her first husband 50 years ago. She still managed to be married, divorced then meet my Dad and be together for 40 years until he died 👨‍🏫

Christ, I've got stuff from exes 23 years ago sat in a box somewhere. They're a part of my history, were a part of my life and it doesn't mean that I love my DP any less just because I think of an ex every now and then.

I'd be absolutely fucking tamping if I found a girlfriend of only 4 months digging around through my drawers though. What the fuck were you thinking @Bythecoast ?

Love this! ❤️

I don't think having keepsakes is a red flag. I have loads of old shit and if my dp asked me to get rid of them I would be conflicted and find that to be controlling.