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Original poster

Fiance will be studying daily with a colleague he’s described as beautiful

82 replies

Greyrabbit24 · 18/04/2024 23:21

This has been making me feel really insecure and I suppose I’d just like some support.

My fiance has spoken very highly of a female coworker of his, and previously described her as beautiful.

They both have an exam later this year. My fiancé said he wants her to be his study partner. He said he expects they’ll be studying 3 times a week at first, then as the exam approaches it will be daily. He said she takes studying seriously and she will be a good study partner.

Maybe it shouldn’t, but this has really made me feel insecure and upset. To the point where I’m even thinking of visiting my dad who lives abroad for a couple of weeks as their study sessions get more frequent so I feel less jealous and can have some time away from it.

Am I being ridiculous here? I trust my fiancé but I can’t help but get jealous when I know he’ll be in contact daily one on one with a woman he’s told me is beautiful , and I’m feeling pretty down about it, but I guess I’ll have to try to deal with my emotions

OP posts:
TheIceQween · 18/04/2024 23:22

Where will this studying take place?

ButterflyKu · 18/04/2024 23:22

Why did he tell you he thought she was beautiful? It’s one thing to appreciate someone’s looks but why tell your partner? What was the context of the conversation in which he said it? Sounds a bit odd

MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/04/2024 23:24

Hmm I think if he admits he finds her beautiful, and is therefore attracted to her, he should consider if he wants to put himself in that position if he really loves you and wants long term life long commitment with you?
and if he chooses her, you know your answer.
and he would have done it anyway, but caused you months of pain and anguish

Maybeicanhelpyou · 18/04/2024 23:24

You need to trust that he loves and wants to be with you.
But I also think that you need to work on yourself and your relationship so you don’t feel so insecure as these scenarios will arise occasionally.
Make sure your relationship is strong

commonsense12 · 18/04/2024 23:31

No man in his right mind would describe another woman as beautiful to his fiance if he did have ulterior motives. It's ok that you are jealous. However, it is as equally fine to have her as his study partner.

It's just one of those situations you can do nothing about.

Besides, you shouldn't have to work so hard to ensure that your finances are not talking to other people; it's not a good way to live.

Periodically checking up on him should clear your conscience.

GladOP · 18/04/2024 23:34

I’ve been in this exact situation.
The woman was the classic barbie. Blonde, blue eyes, slender but also clever, kind and randomly baked my fiancé muffins. When they talked she would softly touch my fiancé’s sleeve.

They used to go to a disused rental property to study so they could ‘focus’.
If my fiancé hadn’t described her as beautiful I would have.

But it was all good, nothing happened between them and we are now married. My fiancé shared the muffins with me and they were delicious.

Whoareye · 18/04/2024 23:46

Why does he need a "Study Partner"? Is he not capable of studying by himself?

I also don't understand why he told you he found her beautiful. Seems a very strange thing to tell the woman you are engaged to.

Being very cynical it seems to me arranging for her to be his "Study Partner" is a very convenient way to get to spend one on one time with her in a way which is difficult for you to challenge without making yourself look unreasonable.

Personally I wouldn't be happy about my fiancé spending so much time with another woman. Perhaps I'm missing something but it seems totally unnecessary.

GladOP · 18/04/2024 23:55

Some occupations have exams that people dedicate a year sometimes more to study for.
study partners are definitely a thing.

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:00

GladOP · 18/04/2024 23:55

Some occupations have exams that people dedicate a year sometimes more to study for.
study partners are definitely a thing.

Well it seems a really juvenile concept to me. If you are an adult in an occupation you are surely adult enough to study by yourself.

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 19/04/2024 00:02

I don’t think I would go off and leave them to it, personally.

Comedycook · 19/04/2024 00:03

I think you're right to be cautious. You're not paranoid.

commonsense12 · 19/04/2024 00:09

This reply has been deleted

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Cronchy · 19/04/2024 00:14

How would he feel if you spent every evening 1 on 1 with a man you’d told him you found attractive?

Josette77 · 19/04/2024 00:15

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:00

Well it seems a really juvenile concept to me. If you are an adult in an occupation you are surely adult enough to study by yourself.

Show quote history

That's a silly statement.

The doctors I know had study groups. It was common in law school too.

For some it was for thier mental health as much as anything else. School being so demanding that was the only socializing they had.

Josette77 · 19/04/2024 00:16

Op, why did he mention she's beautiful? How did he bring that up?

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 19/04/2024 00:17

3x a week seems excessive. Maybe once a week.

Presumably a study buddy is more for revision purposes rather than learning "together"? If there's no tutor involved, then self study is surely just reading/watching videos/practise essays etc? What would you be "doing" with someone multiple times a week? Not being snarky, genuinely struggling to picture it.

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:19

This reply has been deleted

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So when I studied at various points of my life - school, college, university, Open University - I never at any point had a "Study partner". I have never heard of the concept. Perhaps it's a generational thing.
Just because you apparently see a need to have a "Study partner" does not make me stupid for not seeing the need . I resent being called stupid for having a different experience and a different opinion

Lavender14 · 19/04/2024 00:22

What exactly did he say when he described her as beautiful op? What was the context?

I have male friends who I initially thought were very physically attractive. As soon as I got to know them that died and they were purely in the friend zone but I'd still describe them as handsome because they are, they just aren't my type personality wise which to me matters the most. I think you need to talk to your fiance about it and perhaps they choose a neutral place and time like the library mid day and study then so it's not late at night or at her house etc. I think you need to let him know it's making you feel wary and agree some boundaries. Then you need to find your way to deal with it.

The difficult thing is that if someone wants to cheat on you, then they will, there won't be any way of stopping it imo. So if he does then better you see who he is now than after you marry him.

Beenaboutabit · 19/04/2024 00:24

Do you want him to lie to you?

She’s beautiful and he’s acknowledged that.

But he is with you and you are with him.

There will always be people around who are richer, more beautiful, funnier, and more talented/powerful and so on.

It’s fine to acknowledge and it’s also important to realise that individuals can also live and want to be with their partners more than with those others.

Do not doubt yourself and his attraction to you based on these other comments.

Lavender14 · 19/04/2024 00:25

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:19

So when I studied at various points of my life - school, college, university, Open University - I never at any point had a "Study partner". I have never heard of the concept. Perhaps it's a generational thing.
Just because you apparently see a need to have a "Study partner" does not make me stupid for not seeing the need . I resent being called stupid for having a different experience and a different opinion

Show quote history

@Whoareye in fairness they said your point was silly not that you are stupid. I agree it's not really a great point to make, I've done a few degrees and there was always a study group. As mature students we were extra into it because it was a way to pool knowledge and research. Certainly not uncommon, maybe just not your experience, but unfair to spike ops paranoia due to the idea of a study partner.

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:30

Josette77 · 19/04/2024 00:15

That's a silly statement.

The doctors I know had study groups. It was common in law school too.

For some it was for thier mental health as much as anything else. School being so demanding that was the only socializing they had.

Show quote history

You might think it's a silly statement. I don't. As I said to the other pp it is possibly a generational thing. To the best of my knowledge Study Partners did not exist when I was studying.
And strangely enough people still managed to pass exams and gain professional qualifications.

JanglingJack · 19/04/2024 00:32

MiddleagedBeachbum · 18/04/2024 23:24

Hmm I think if he admits he finds her beautiful, and is therefore attracted to her, he should consider if he wants to put himself in that position if he really loves you and wants long term life long commitment with you?
and if he chooses her, you know your answer.
and he would have done it anyway, but caused you months of pain and anguish

Well done for making OP ferl worse.

You can appreciate beauty, without being attracted to and thinking of jumping in to bed with them 🙄

I've seen many a person of both sexes that are beautiful. Usually until they open their gob.

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:49

Lavender14 · 19/04/2024 00:25

@Whoareye in fairness they said your point was silly not that you are stupid. I agree it's not really a great point to make, I've done a few degrees and there was always a study group. As mature students we were extra into it because it was a way to pool knowledge and research. Certainly not uncommon, maybe just not your experience, but unfair to spike ops paranoia due to the idea of a study partner.

Show quote history

I am not trying to "spike op's paranoia "
I really feel a lot of sympathy for her worries and insecurity over this.
I just genuinely can't accept that her fiancé needs to spend all this time with someone he finds beautiful in order to pass an exam.
I don't see its doing op any favours just to tell her Oh everything is great, it's all totally innocent. She clearly has her own doubts already.
I would not be happy with the situation but its totally up to her how she deals with it.

nextcrapthing · 19/04/2024 01:37

What if she is a bloke? Would your fiancé still spend three times a week and everyday leading up to the exam with a male study partner?
I used to be a a study group, 3/4 people in the group. Once a week to catch up is enough.

commonsense12 · 19/04/2024 03:48

Whoareye · 19/04/2024 00:19

So when I studied at various points of my life - school, college, university, Open University - I never at any point had a "Study partner". I have never heard of the concept. Perhaps it's a generational thing.
Just because you apparently see a need to have a "Study partner" does not make me stupid for not seeing the need . I resent being called stupid for having a different experience and a different opinion

Show quote history

Having a study partner does not make you less adult, that makes no sense. I also have a hard time believing it to be generational, as I'm sure it has helped many people from different periods.