Fiance will be studying daily with a colleague he’s described as beautiful

[Greyrabbit24]

This has been making me feel really insecure and I suppose I’d just like some support.

My fiance has spoken very highly of a female coworker of his, and previously described her as beautiful.

They both have an exam later this year. My fiancé said he wants her to be his study partner. He said he expects they’ll be studying 3 times a week at first, then as the exam approaches it will be daily. He said she takes studying seriously and she will be a good study partner.

Maybe it shouldn’t, but this has really made me feel insecure and upset. To the point where I’m even thinking of visiting my dad who lives abroad for a couple of weeks as their study sessions get more frequent so I feel less jealous and can have some time away from it.

Am I being ridiculous here? I trust my fiancé but I can’t help but get jealous when I know he’ll be in contact daily one on one with a woman he’s told me is beautiful , and I’m feeling pretty down about it, but I guess I’ll have to try to deal with my emotions

Does the fact that she’s beautiful mean he fancies her though? I know I once described an old school friend to DH as looking like ‘a minor Greek god’ but I sure as sure can be never ever fancied the chap. Equally my best friend growing up was routinely described as beautiful but lots of the chaps I knew sheered away because she could be quite intense.

I can't imagine in what context I'd find it appropriate to tell my partner that I thought a male colleague was attractive
I'm not surprised you're uncomfortable

yeah, I would say that he wants to shag her

Bouncing ideas off fellow students/colleagues is perfectly normal and acceptable adult behaviour. Discussion and collaboration similarly. To be unable to study unless you are sitting down with someone you have designated a Study Partner/ Study buddy to me is juvenile.

Thanks for the input all. The nature of the exam is several different role plays which does explain why he would want a study partner.

He did mention a study group however he was very specific in wanting her to be his study partner specifically. He told me they have agreed to it.

I know I shouldn’t but I still feel awful at the notion of him calling/ meeting this woman everyday

I'm always astonished at how little self-control some people have. It's really easy to spend time with people you find attractive without catching feelings, jumping their bones, embarking on infidelity. Really, really easy. Most people manage it. I have done it countless times. You can't possibly go through life avoiding one-on-one situations with good-looking people, what a paranoid way to live.

It's a weirdly sex-obsessed way of thinking too. There are a million reasons two attractive people might want or need to be alone together that have nothing to do with sex, and where sex is never on the agenda. Some people seem to think male-female human interaction can only possibly be about sex.

The only odd thing about this situation is that OP knows he thinks she's beautiful. What context did that come up in?

If he's telling you without being prompted which colleagues he finds attractive, that's not on at all.

If it was part of a conversation where you were asking him to describe her or where you were talking about attractive people generally, that's normal.

Honestly, what's really problematic is that you obviously wouldn't feel any type of way about a male study partner, or if she was older, or if she was whatever you deem to be plain. It's bloody annoying as a woman in a professional career to be constantly seen as some sort of sexual threat.

From her point of view, presumably she wants your fiance as a study partner because it will benefit her professionally, because they work well together or he's good at his job or whatever. In her shoes I'd be pissed off at being denied an opportunity for career advancement just because his wife thought I was too attractive.

Off the top of my head DP and I have done the following.

Talked about a mutual friend who was struggling on the dating scene despite, we agreed, being very attractive.

Bitched about an arrogant and very good-looking colleague who was the epitome of "fit but they know it".

After two mutual friends split up, we noted they'd both hit the gym and were suddenly posting thirst traps where they both looked very hot on Instagram.

Referred to one of the other's colleagues as "oh, do you mean the really good-looking one".

I doubt he'd be so keen for a study buddy if it was another guy or an older, unattractive woman. Some people on this thread are so naive.

I get that the nature of the exam means a study partner makes sense, but every single session? Wouldn't some time be better spent researching / revising different concepts and topics solo and then meeting up a couple of times a week to rehearse some role plays based off that learning?

I also agree that you can see someone as aesthetically pleasing but not find them attractive or even like them much as a person, but this bloke obviously enjoys his colleague's company to be voluntarily signing himself up to spending a chunk of every day with her in the run up to their exam. I would love to be able to put your mind completely at rest OP but based on my experience of observing male behaviour over the years, I admit I'd be somewhat worried too.

If role play is necessary, as OP's update indicates, then it would seem in this instance a study partner/s is necessary.

What I would like to know from OP is if she is the same poster , using a different name, that posted an almost identical situation in March: a fiancé studying for an exam, sometimes with a study group but also alone with a female colleague who he had previously expressed admiration and interest in. The op in that thread had started numerous threads about her fiancé and his female friends/ work colleagues/ behaviour staying out all night etc.
If OP is the same person then this thread is not an isolated concern in the relationship and she is justified in being worried.

<shrugs>

You either trust him or you don't. If you do-all's well. If you don't-the relationship has no future. Sad but true.

Ofcourse there's always the chance that she might not be in the least bit attracted to your fiance & just because she (might be) beautiful, doesn't mean she's out to jump every man's bones!!

It's not about naivete - but what are you going to do?

If the guy wants this studying to be an opportunity to develop a relationship with or make a move on this woman, then kicking off and putting a stop to it, just means you're policing the guy.

If he wants to sniff round other women, let him go and fuck him off.

Er…..I definitely wouldn’t be going abroad for a few weeks. Out of sight and all that.

What a silly assertion

What had he said about it?

Silly assertion according to YOU.

Everyone is entitled to their own opinion.

I'm getting second hand embarrassment at the idea of a study partner too. Why can't he study alone? Is he libraryphobic?

Have people really not heard of things like accountability partners? Going to the gym with a friend? Etc?

If you’re studying for an exam, working together with someone else can be extremely useful. You can clarify concepts, discuss the material, exchange useful resources, etc. It can be incredibly helpful to discover that someone else also found x challenging, for example. It also reinforces learning much more effectively if you’re talking the material through with someone else.

Seems so silly to think ‘I associate study partners with school or uni therefore it must be a juvenile thing to do’ – it just happens to be that most people are young when they study for exams.

Why make something more difficult than it needs to be? Because studying in total isolation is more ‘grown up’..? 😵‍💫

It’s so arbitrary, like thinking it’s a flex to never ask for directions on the way somewhere

What you are describing here is a difference of opinion.
Some people feel the ability to do things by yourself, including study, is the sign of an adult. They do not understand the need to always do stuff with a pal, in a group. Like school children or adolescents.
Other people obviously regard the need to always have some one with them as the norm. It's what they enjoy. It does not give them the right to tell people who do not need peer validation that they are wrong.

@Greyrabbit24

How has it panned out, is he still going to study with her?

Lol but it’s one thing to have that preference yourself – fair enough. But it’s another thing to declare that it’s juvenile and embarrassing for someone else to study with a pal. Which is what is being referred to here.

Don’t understand how this extra meaning is being attributed to something as dry and innocuous as studying
with someone

And by the by, I think you’ve misunderstood. I don’t think anyone’s saying that they are ‘unable’ to study by themselves. (Literally any course will involve autonomous study.) I did a vocational course recently and lots of the (employed adults) on the course arranged co-working sessions as well, for the pragmatic reason that it’s helpful. Certainly didn’t bother me that some people worked alone. (Or make me congratulate myself for ‘being sociable and building relationships’) Who cares?

Is there any reason that this beautiful studious woman should be interested in your fiance?

On the face of it, he doesn't have much to recommend him. He's engaged to another woman for a start, which makes him fairly unattractive as a partner. Not many women want the sort of bloke who would cheat on his fiance.

I imagine she can find a man of her own if she wants one.

Also, what exactly are they studying? Epidemiology? Accounting? Tantric Sex? What they study and how serious she is would also have me concerned tbh. Daily is too much.