Fiance will be studying daily with a colleague he’s described as beautiful

[Greyrabbit24]

This has been making me feel really insecure and I suppose I’d just like some support.

My fiance has spoken very highly of a female coworker of his, and previously described her as beautiful.

They both have an exam later this year. My fiancé said he wants her to be his study partner. He said he expects they’ll be studying 3 times a week at first, then as the exam approaches it will be daily. He said she takes studying seriously and she will be a good study partner.

Maybe it shouldn’t, but this has really made me feel insecure and upset. To the point where I’m even thinking of visiting my dad who lives abroad for a couple of weeks as their study sessions get more frequent so I feel less jealous and can have some time away from it.

Am I being ridiculous here? I trust my fiancé but I can’t help but get jealous when I know he’ll be in contact daily one on one with a woman he’s told me is beautiful , and I’m feeling pretty down about it, but I guess I’ll have to try to deal with my emotions

If the woman wasn't beautiful, would your opinion be different?

Has she actually agreed to this?

Is your fiance irresistible?

She might be beautiful and already attached or gay?

How old are you that he needs a study partner?

All sounds a bit juvenile if you ask me.

I would definitely have a very long engagement if I were you.

Two things op

if she is beautiful do you think she’d be interested in him?
do you think he’d cheat given the chance? If she signalled interest do you think he’d be off like a shot?

if the answer is yes, then the relationship is over. Doesn’t matter if he does cheat or try to cheat, the fact he would and you think he would, says there is no legs to this relationship

I think that with some professional exams there is very much a focus on studying as a group. Where is this studying going to take place, at work?

I suppose if he was planning on cheating in plain sight he wouldn't have mentioned she was beautiful. Or maybe that is cheating in plain sight? I have worked in a career that was heavily male dominated when I was younger and I never had sex with any of my colleagues, married, single or engaged. I was, in my long ago youth described, variously as very attractive and even beautiful (sigh)! Just because a woman is very attractive though it doesn't mean she has designs on your fiancé. She probably has a lot more options in terms of available men - so many men and so little time and so on.

I'm thinking more that you have doubts about your fiancé. Is there any reason to doubt him?

I would feel jealous in these circumstances too op. I’m not proud of that, but it’s how I feel. I have no doubt that my dh has eyes in his head, but he also has enough emotional intelligence and consideration for me not to tell me who he finds attractive. That’s a very important trait for me in a partner.

It’s not ok to try and control another person but it is ok to decide you don’t want to be with someone who does things that don’t sit comfortably. It’s interesting that your instinct here is to leave.

I’ve also been married long enough to know that even when you’re devoted, there are times when someone will turn your head, and if a marriage is to survive you need to be (and be with) the type of person who turns in to the marriage at those moments. Sometimes what makes us vulnerable is a problem at home that needs attention. And it’s not easy to turn away from the easy lure of attraction and do the hard work of repairing connection. Not everyone is cut out for that sort of commitment.

My advice is communicate how you’re feeling - it’s important that there’s space to express yourself in a relationship and that it’s a safe place to be vulnerable. How does he react to you being vulnerable? To expressing insecurity? To you wanting something that is inconvenient to him? Find out the answers to questions like this before you get married.

Hes acknowledging she’s beautiful but this doesn’t mean he’s attracted to her or would make advances. Gosh I work with lots of attractive men but it doesn’t mean I want them.

You need to trust that he’s with you and his love is for you, not her. If he behaves badly with her, he’s an untrustworthy partner and you’ll need to finish the relationship

Has the woman actually agreed to be his study buddy or is he just assuming? The way you phrase it, it sounds like he thinks she has no agency of her own.

She might have different ideas about how much time and where and when she'll be studying.

Please explain why anyone needs a study partner OP

I’m with you here.

Study with a partner or group can be very beneficial. Just because it wasn't a thing to some posters personally doesn't mean it isn't to others. 🙄

When it works, I can see it being very good in terms of accountability- staying on track, and also with checking understanding and soundboarding ideas.

Does he mention her a lot, more than other colleagues? Where will they be studying? Did he zero in on her when lots of people are taking the same exam? Have there been other exams at work where he's had study partners, or has he decided for this one he specifically needs one and it has to be her? And three times a week is a lot, and then spending every day with a study partner seems very excessive.

I think a point is the choice of word. He could have described her as “ prettty “ but calling her “beautiful “ is something you usually say to your DP as it means so much more. I can’t put my finger on why, as haven’t had my coffee yet but yes I am with you OP!

For all we know, this beautiful woman is thinking "christ no, I've no intention of spending that much time with that guy".

He shouldn't do it. There may be nothing there at all. But two principles: i) he should be sensitive enough to you to avoid the appearance of there being something going on (even if, in his mind, there isn't), ii) he should be self aware enough not to put himself in a situation where something may develop.

As for telling you she is beautiful: nothing inherently wrong with that. But it's also the sort of thing he would do if trying to convince himself it's all platonic (see, it's fine, I'm even happy to say it to my financée). And it's not just her looks he admires: he admires her intelligence/studiousness too, and enjoys her company. He should be self aware enough to keep some distance.

Well I don't know if she is beautiful or not. For some reason op's fiancé has made a point of telling op HE finds her beautiful. That he comments on other women's appearance and attractiveness to her would make him unattractive to me.

I do not see the need of him having a study partner at all. Yes of course if you are studying for the same exam you will inevitably discuss aspects of your studying with each other and encourage each other. But on an informal basis. I don't see the need to make a formal arrangement to meet up on a regular basis - daily??? -to study together.

I'm all for collaboration, discussion and encouragement when it comes to studying. I'm sure people have always done that.
But to need a Study Partner implies being incapable of doing the studying by yourself and that to me makes you less than an adult. It's like a child needing a best pal to do stuff with because they can't function properly by themselves.

You need to get yourself a copy of the book overcoming low self esteem.

Is she beautiful? Maybe she really is and it’s descriptive.

How did her being beautiful come up in conversation?

‘Sally is tall with blond hair, Lisa is short with brown hair and Emily is beautiful’?

Or did you ask and he said that she’s beautiful?

Study partners aren’t a strange concept @Whoareye ! 😂 Yes people could study alone but it makes it much nicer to have someone there especially if it’s particularly hard going. It’s great to be able to bounce ideas off of someone else.

I go ace made various study buddies over the years (degree then professional exams)

Just someone who also seemed keen to learn. We could swap useful articles and agree to do say question 1 of 2018 exam then discuss answers.

The fact I was 50 and the others 23 made no odds. It was online or via WhatsApp.

Studying together never appealed -just coffee to discuss the output after.

Daft comment. Studying with someone else is useful, whatever age you are.

What was the context of the conversation where he said she is beautiful? I think this was an odd thing to mention.

(My partner would not make similar comments and neither would I about men I know – it would feel disrespectful and I would not want to make my partner feel uncomfortable.)

I might sometimes point out myself that a woman is attractive, and my partner might agree – in this kind of context I think it’s fine.

Curious how this conversation with your fiancé came about.

Agree.

It's not juvenile at all. It's massively helpful to have someone to bounce ideas off. It's a really effective way of learning.

No no no no no why does he need to go and spend extra time with her for studying if he's basically told you he fancies her. No way would I be happy with this. It's not that I'm insecure either I'd just find it lacking in respect?
Because if I was in his shoes I would certainly not spend extra time with a man I found attractive because I wouldn't want to catch feelings while I was already in a relationship with someone else. It's too risky for me.