I did it I ended my marriage - he’s in pieces help

[Loosingmymind24]

So I posted within the last couple of weeks about how I’ve been unhappy for so long. I was concerned due to how much he doesn’t cope with things (mental health) cannabis addiction etc

he brings nothing ti the household financially as can’t keep a job etc and causes me nothing but stress. Can’t accept I do not want to visit his awful mother (zero issues him going) and expects me to visit.

Well after thinking I’d never ever have the guts I did it yesterday I asked him to leave. He has and went to his mothers. But it’s been horrific he basically had a full breakdown in front of the children, was crying gasping for air it was traumatic. He called text WhatsApp last night and this morning. Saying he can’t cope he’s Ill he’s not slept for over 24 hours now. I know I’m done but I’m struggling seeing this, he’s utterly broken he’s begging I’ve told him he needs to get himself help and he needs.

Did anyone else experience this does it get any better, I feel sick to my stomach with guilt. (There’s no one else at all, I never want to be with anyone ever again).

I think I’m just looking for anyone who’s been through it and do things eventually settle. He does want to come here after school tomorrow and asked to stay weekend with children, I’m at work all weekend so said yes and I certainly don’t want children in his mothers house not at all a suitable area or environment for my children although I’ve obviously not said that to him as not worth causing more stress.

sorry for harping on, I didn’t even organise anything I literally got up yesterday and thought enough is enough but by god to destroy another person has made me feel incredibly sad 😞

@Loosingmymind24 You really are on it, you should be so proud of yourself!

You are my HERO.

Obviousl, in the divorce there will be questions about asset splits etc so you need to be prepared that you'll most likely have to give him half of anything you have. I'd recommend meeting a solicitor to get the separation formalised as I think I read on here that if it is, after that any further accumulation of assets are not considered marital assets but a solicitor could give you better advice.

Also, once it gets into the nasty phase, he's going to claim that him not working allowed you to earn etc and he's going to be wanting spousal support and/or he'll insist that HE should have custody of the children. On plus side, he's clearly lazy and disorganised so there's a chance he won't follow through, but you should be prepared because while he won't fight for the DC, he might fight for any financial gain. Plus, any solicitor etc will only hear his side so on the surface, they will 100% agree with him (he was the SAHP, you earned the money and he facilitated that etc) and will be happy to push hard for this. Which means it could take some work to fight it.

Take note in particular of any lack of requests to see/spend time with the DC (begging to be home so that he can see them is not the same as sending a message saying he wants to see the DC and as he can't at your house, he'll be round to collect them on Saturday at 9am....).

These sorts of threats can be powerful tools. On plus side, your DC are older so that will impact any decision making by the courts. As long as you can mitigate any manipulation he will try to use.

You are amazing op! Well done. Stay strong x

Hell get over it.

Good for you op, stay strong, you're amazing!

Well done. I know how much strength and energy it took to ask him to leave but it was the right thing to do. He has taken no responsibility in raising your children or contributing to the household therefore he is of no use to you and in fact he has been dragging you all down.
Of course he wants to come back, his life was easy with you. You are not responsible for him. Do not respond to any contact unless it is to do with him seeing the children or contributing financially to their upkeep.
You are now a separated couple, keep it that way. You have a new peaceful life ahead for you and your children, enjoy it. And the best of luck in your new job.

@Loosingmymind24

Well done you!! And now you need to protect yourself because that is the best way to protect your children.

In a post above you said "But this is what I need to deal with he doesn’t deal with aby form of stress, bad news like normal people he’s erratic with zero ambition". But you're wrong. You don't need to deal with it any longer. You may have to 'cause' him stress in dealing with the divorce and issues surrounding the children, but his reaction to that stress is no longer your problem. I'm not saying that you should be purposefully abrasive, just that you needn't tiptoe around issues or take on more than you should simply to avoid causing him 'stress'. Remember 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. Maybe, but I'm not holding out much hope, when he realizes that you won't be there anymore to dance around his 'stress' and take it onto yourself, he'll wise up and get the help he needs.

You need first tell him that he is not to contact you unless it's wrt the DC and if that doesn't work (and it probably won't) then block him on ALL communications platforms and reate a separate email address and inform him or his family that this will be the sole method of communications between the two of you and it is to be used for comms regarding the children only. Email is 'calmer' as it's not as 'in your face' as phones/mobiles are with ringing and pinging with every call/text. An email just goes quietly into an inbox and you check it when you feel able. And you respond when you have had time to digest and quietly think about what you want to say. Or, as a friend did, you have someone preview your emails from him and only give you any pertinent information on issues you need to deal with without reading out loud his histrionics.

Do the same with his family if you feel the need or block everyone but one person who will be respectful of your decision to separate and who will not allow him to use their phone and will not try to guilt you into taking him back. Because once his family realizes he is now their problem, chances are at least one of them will try to play on your sympathies.

It's an act.

He has contributed nothing positive to your family life and wasn't interested in fixing it or changing until you finally had enough and booted him.

I wouldn't even let him back in the house; you will struggle to be rid of him.

Agree with this.

It's such a shame that women often end up having to run around after these head-cases.
Still, better his sister than you.

Glad you're getting your locks changed soon.
Maybe keep the keys in the locks and partly turned in the mean time whenever possible.
And tell the kids not to let him in. Make it clear he's not well right now and they need to stay away from him whilst he gets treatment for that. So not to go with him after school etc... (maybe warn their school).

Well done for getting him out.
Of course he's going to make a lot of noise. That's how children get their mammies to pay them attention. Throwing tantrums and trying to make you feel guilty. Emotionally stunted people remain that way forever.

Your life would be a trainwreck if you kept him around. He would have sucked you dry.

Why did you dump him in front of your children? How awful for them!

His behaviour is the reason you're binning him.

Bear that in mind when he puts on the waterworks and tries to gaslight you into taking him back.

Look up hoovering/ narcism on youtube. There are known stages of behaviour which follow each other the way day follows night. Buckle up, it'll be a bumpy ride but you will get through this and feel way better than you have felt for ages.

The last - and deadliest stage - is just when you think it's done and he starts presenting as the guy you thought you martied. This too will not last and he'll soon latch onto another sucker.

Good luck and well done xx

Oh god I remember this feeling. The guilt. It doesn't sound like he's been much of an adult in this relationship?
Once mine did the initial piling on of guilt he left most custody to me and only came back when he found another woman with a house he could move into!

I think you're going to have a very hard time kicking him out on Sunday.

He likely feels being allowed back for the weekend means he has scored a victory over you, and he's not wrong. He won't take it well when you try to make him leave again.

You need to organise an alternative to having him there for the weekends until you start your new job.

You need to gut it out. Ignore the pleadings, threats, cajoling, anger, promises, manipulation (threats of self harm, suicide, etc).

Limit your responses to any contact he makes. Only discuss practical matters like his belongings, etc. Do not address any emotional content of his communication with you.

He's not having a breakdown because you have left him, he is losing his shit because his meal ticket is not funding him anymore.

Good!
That's a far better plan.

If he contacts you again, remind him that you told him to get help for his MH problem, and tell him directly and with no ambiguity that that is all you have to say to him.

Is he able to contact the children on their phones? This might be a problem for them.

You need to inform the children's schools that he is not to be allowed to pick them up.

They should also be told that the children have witnessed very distressing scenes at home.

The schools may be able to provide some pastoral care for the children.

Well done Op! But please changes the locks before you go away and leave the house empty.

You need to say strong. Ultimately, he can cry and beg all he wants if you don't want to be will him nothing will change that. If you relent and take him back now breaking up will just be harder next time. He'll know that crying, begging and manipulation worked in the past and hell ramp or up to try and get it to work again. You need to follow through.

I'd be very clear that any hysterics and contact with the children will be stopped. The kids don't need to see it. Their needs always come first. They don't need to see or hear adult things.

Only communicate with him about the kids. You need to shut everything else down. The only conversation are about his contact with the kids, issues with the kids and meeting their needs.

I wouldn't have him in the home. You need strong firm boundaries. I wouldn't muddy the waters. You want everything crystal clear.

Wait i think i missed the bit about him coming back for the weekend? Oh gosh absolutely not op! Find someone else to watch the kids. If he has to take them then, not in your home. Never let him in there again. See if you can get his sister to agree to being there whilst he's with the kids too!

Just keep thinking about how fabulous your life is going to be not pandering to this wanker. A calm, peaceful home for your children, putting you and them first...bliss.
Well done, you're doing great.

I agree with that.
Both so that your dcs can get support if they need some. It will help them and the teachers.
And yes in primary, it will avoid him coming to pick them up. Are your dcs making their way home on their own or someone is picking them up?

I absolutely did not do that ! He chose to breakdown when they returned from school.

You’ve missed my updates he’s not staying anymore x

I did speak to the head, although she emailed to say they were great today and their normal self thankfully. They’ve been absolutely fine this evening and it’s been a very calm evening thankfully.

I’ve not replied to anymore of the begging messages either.

I don’t think he would go to the school or house but who knows. Getting to where I am from where he is on public transport is a lot of effort we are nearly an hours distance.

Thankfully my kids are wise beyond their years and I’ve been ensuring they can ask anything (which they have) so as long as I’m keeping our routine keeping calm, giving extra TLC and letting them know we can talk anytime about anything will hopefully keep them on the right track.