I did it I ended my marriage - he’s in pieces help

[Loosingmymind24]

So I posted within the last couple of weeks about how I’ve been unhappy for so long. I was concerned due to how much he doesn’t cope with things (mental health) cannabis addiction etc

he brings nothing ti the household financially as can’t keep a job etc and causes me nothing but stress. Can’t accept I do not want to visit his awful mother (zero issues him going) and expects me to visit.

Well after thinking I’d never ever have the guts I did it yesterday I asked him to leave. He has and went to his mothers. But it’s been horrific he basically had a full breakdown in front of the children, was crying gasping for air it was traumatic. He called text WhatsApp last night and this morning. Saying he can’t cope he’s Ill he’s not slept for over 24 hours now. I know I’m done but I’m struggling seeing this, he’s utterly broken he’s begging I’ve told him he needs to get himself help and he needs.

Did anyone else experience this does it get any better, I feel sick to my stomach with guilt. (There’s no one else at all, I never want to be with anyone ever again).

I think I’m just looking for anyone who’s been through it and do things eventually settle. He does want to come here after school tomorrow and asked to stay weekend with children, I’m at work all weekend so said yes and I certainly don’t want children in his mothers house not at all a suitable area or environment for my children although I’ve obviously not said that to him as not worth causing more stress.

sorry for harping on, I didn’t even organise anything I literally got up yesterday and thought enough is enough but by god to destroy another person has made me feel incredibly sad 😞

@MrTiddlesTheCat me neither.

Op it's time now for the consequences of his actions to bite him on the bum. Do you remember that drink drive advert where all the consequences of the customer at the bar if he gets caught drunk driving play through as a narrative. This is that time for him. He didnt pull his weight - you left him. He did drugs - you left him, He didn't learn to drive - he gets public transport or a taxi/Uber, eventually if he behaves inappropriately in front of the children they will choose not to see him.

I would have some secondary childcare lined up - preventing you from going to work as he didn't turn up would be the perfect way for him to get his 'own back' on you. And believe it plenty of men are that petty when their ego is dented.

Also give CMS a ring today and get that sorted, best to do it all at once and rip the plaster off, otherwise he'll just kick off at a later date.

I felt guilty when I called time on my marriage, and my husband wasn’t even upset, just angry and said “fuck off and get your divorce”.

But I still felt guilty. But this feeling will pass. Just keep reminding yourself you are doing this for you and your children.

The MN saying ‘don’t set yourself on fire, just to keep someone else warm’ has been of great help to me.

Best of luck and stay strong. You have spent a long time trying to lift him up, don’t leg him drag you down.

Well done on ending it, I think I remember your previous posts and it was pretty clear this was exactly how he was going to behave when you ended it.

It sounds like you have put yourself in a good position to deal with him - think of it like a tantruming child, you just have to stay calm and in charge until he's got it out of his system. Which may take time. But keep setting boundaries and keep sticking to them - you've got this.

I tend to agree. Desperate men do horrific things. I would give him supervised time with the kids only, until he’s in a better place himself.

Totally agree

at the very least I think he would try to manipulate the children into asking you if “daddy can come home - he really misses us”

@Loosingmymind24 sorry but i wouldnt be dropping him off anywhere on sunday! he needs to get used to the bus and you need your fuel for the benefit of you and your children!!

What would you do if he doesn't leave on Sunday? It is best regardless of where his mother lives that they visit him there - can you pick them up after work so no overnights?
You've made it trickier by losing your patience with him after a long time of wishing, then planning, but it's doable. If the house is owned or rented by you, get the locks changed so he needs permission to come in, otherwise he could just turn up.
No promises, but you could dangle over him that to stand any chance of a reconciliation, he'd have to kick his habits and maintain a regular job as a minimum and he'd have to prove that over a long time period (about a year). That's the incentive he gets, what he does in response is up to him, and if you chose to still not be with him, at least he'd be in a better place. "I'll sort myself out if we get back together" is not an option, it has to be the other way around. Then you are in the driving seat, then you can assess if his form of love translates to action, because stopping at emotional shows without doing anything else, helps nobody and is pointless.

I will also make it clear when he’s with children he cannot behave in this or I can’t let him see them until he’s calmer.

I just want to warn you that part of his disordered thinking is that he doesn't already see that. Think about this sentence as a standalone. I mean, most parents would want what's best for their children, not to be putting their own emotional distress on them....

You're at the start of a long, uphill journey. You will get there, but it's going to be hard. Stay strong.

You are sending mixed messages OP. This isn’t fair to yourself your kids or your Ex.
Allowing him into your home so soon is offering him hope.
How will the kids cope if he kicks off whilst you are working this weekend!
You need to find alternative childcare , can the teens be trusted to look after their siblings?
It sounds like you are prepared to use Ex as a babysitter for convenience & that’s not fair given his behaviour

Just wanted to say I read your other thread and I'm so bloody happy for you that you've pulled the trigger. To echo a PP, keep focused on a year from now when this is just a memory. Stay strong and remember all the reasons you wanted him to go. He can waste his own life if he wants, the rest of you don't have to go down with him.

And let me guess, while he performed his reaction you had to manage your feelings quietly and think about dinner. He sounds an absolute numpty OP, you won’t miss him.

You have been strong and brave here. I would guess at least part of his response is emotional manipulation. You have nothing to feel guilty about: he has his Mum to stay with. Focus on your children and the future.

So I’ve messaged his sister and told her he needs urgent mental health help ( she stays 2 minutes from his mother).

I’ve got my brother and SIL watching kids while I’m working this weekend. He’s called, messaged, WhatsApp everything non stop. I’ve told him get himself urgent help to help himself and that the kids cannot be exposed to all this as it’s not acceptable.

Nearly another day down each day I’ll get there thank you all so much 💗

You're doing great

but by god to destroy another person has made me feel incredibly sad 😞

You have not destroyed him - he has done that to himself.

At any point during your marriage he could have worked to get his act together and this outcome might never have happened. He ignored all the warnings and now must face the consequences of his own actions.

I agree with the PP who said he was upset his gravy train had come to an end and he's been forced to disembark.

Delurking to say, well done @Loosingmymind24 . Your life is about to get so much better. I must say my heart was in my mouth when I read you were going to let him stay for the weekend alone with the children, so relieved that you changed your mind on that. Stay strong!

This all sounds very sensible.

Stay the course, OP. There is a future ahead of you where you live in happiness and light. Keep heading for it.

For the behaviour in front of your children alone I wouldn't be letting him back in the door. He should be ashamed of himself.

Good luck with access. His mother will probably pick up the slack or any other women who enters his life.

It’s much better having the kids watched by Bro and SIL when you are at work.

If you don’t have a nest type video doorbell then think about getting one installed. I feel like proceeding with caution is a good idea. I hope he gets some help, but until he does it’s better to increase safety.

You have done the right thing OP. Anyone bringing drugs into a house where there are children living should be out on their ear.

He is a cocklodger and a waster and his emotional issues (at losing his easy lifestyle) are not your problem.
Not a shred of remorse should you be feeling - he brought this on himself and he knows this full well.
I got rid of mine too after 20 years and he's just taken up with a new idiot who looks after him after a lot of wailing and sackcloth wearing.
I estimate he's cost me around £400,000 worth of savings during that time.

I’d put good money on its being an act to guilt-trip you.

I agree with this. I know you need him for childcare, but I can see this as an opportunity for him to crawl back in.

He's not staying for the weekend now.

The fact he blew up in front of the kids shows how immature this person is. You did the right thing! Best of luck with this new chapter of your life!