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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I did it I ended my marriage - he’s in pieces help

119 replies

Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 10:25

So I posted within the last couple of weeks about how I’ve been unhappy for so long. I was concerned due to how much he doesn’t cope with things (mental health) cannabis addiction etc

he brings nothing ti the household financially as can’t keep a job etc and causes me nothing but stress. Can’t accept I do not want to visit his awful mother (zero issues him going) and expects me to visit.

Well after thinking I’d never ever have the guts I did it yesterday I asked him to leave. He has and went to his mothers. But it’s been horrific he basically had a full breakdown in front of the children, was crying gasping for air it was traumatic. He called text WhatsApp last night and this morning. Saying he can’t cope he’s Ill he’s not slept for over 24 hours now. I know I’m done but I’m struggling seeing this, he’s utterly broken he’s begging I’ve told him he needs to get himself help and he needs.

Did anyone else experience this does it get any better, I feel sick to my stomach with guilt. (There’s no one else at all, I never want to be with anyone ever again).

I think I’m just looking for anyone who’s been through it and do things eventually settle. He does want to come here after school tomorrow and asked to stay weekend with children, I’m at work all weekend so said yes and I certainly don’t want children in his mothers house not at all a suitable area or environment for my children although I’ve obviously not said that to him as not worth causing more stress.

sorry for harping on, I didn’t even organise anything I literally got up yesterday and thought enough is enough but by god to destroy another person has made me feel incredibly sad 😞

OP posts:
fromaytobe · 18/04/2024 13:54

DuchesseNemours · 18/04/2024 13:17

but by god to destroy another person has made me feel incredibly sad 😞

You have not destroyed him - he has done that to himself.

At any point during your marriage he could have worked to get his act together and this outcome might never have happened. He ignored all the warnings and now must face the consequences of his own actions.

I agree with the PP who said he was upset his gravy train had come to an end and he's been forced to disembark.

Exactly. Has he ever considered the effect his destructive behaviour has had on you and the relationship, not to mention the dc? No. His only thoughts are selfish ones and how the world revolves around him.

HulaChick · 18/04/2024 13:54

Well done, it's so hard to say those words but stick with it & don't give in to guilt trips (there'll be plenty of them). Stick to your guns & you'll be so much happier on the other side. Do be prepared though for him to get nasty. Get a solicitor & push through. Good luck and be happy xx

Newestname002 · 18/04/2024 14:02

Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 13:16

So I’ve messaged his sister and told her he needs urgent mental health help ( she stays 2 minutes from his mother).

I’ve got my brother and SIL watching kids while I’m working this weekend. He’s called, messaged, WhatsApp everything non stop. I’ve told him get himself urgent help to help himself and that the kids cannot be exposed to all this as it’s not acceptable.

Nearly another day down each day I’ll get there thank you all so much 💗

OP you've had some excellent advice here and it sounds like you've been getting your ducks in a row for a while before making this very sensible decision. I have nothing to add but wanted to say never doubt you are making the right decision for yourself and your children who - at the moment - seem to be coping. No doubt they've been aware things have not been right for a while and you've been open and honest with them about the situation.

And how great you have close family you can lean on for emotional and practical support.

Sending you a huge virtual hug and wishing you strength to deal with the process (which you already have) and best for the future. 🌹

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 18/04/2024 14:17

That's great that you have alternative childcare sorted. Are your brother and sister in law looking after them at your house? If so, be prepared for him to turn up and insist he has parental rights, particularly if his mother has been talking to him. Make it very clear to your brother that weeping Walter is not allowed in because of his mental health crisis. But well done.

Marghogeth · 18/04/2024 14:18

It's so good to see someone prioritising their children's wellbeing. Well done, OP x

2024istheyearforme · 18/04/2024 14:25

To be fair ... He can't be that broken if he hasn't seriously tried to fix himself before today, did he really think he was a prize ? Sorry but this can't have come as a shock to him. He's just trying to emotionally blackmail you.

IsawwhatIsaw · 18/04/2024 14:28

He sounds a complete waster and cocklodger. Tears now as he’s losing his easy life with you doing everything.
i suspect he’ll be OLD very quickly, lining up someone else to leech off

GingerIsBest · 18/04/2024 14:30

LadyMacbethssweetArabianhand · 18/04/2024 14:17

That's great that you have alternative childcare sorted. Are your brother and sister in law looking after them at your house? If so, be prepared for him to turn up and insist he has parental rights, particularly if his mother has been talking to him. Make it very clear to your brother that weeping Walter is not allowed in because of his mental health crisis. But well done.

Oh, this is actually a really good point. Sorry OP, I know this probably all feels a bit overwhelming, but it's worth considering. Can they take the kids out for the day?

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2024 14:38

It is VERY selfish and childish of him to react how he did in front of the children think how traumatic that will have been for them...he is the adult!

Remember that when you waver. He could have behaved like a good father but he didn't save his children from that. You have their best interests at heart.

BruFord · 18/04/2024 14:40

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/04/2024 14:38

It is VERY selfish and childish of him to react how he did in front of the children think how traumatic that will have been for them...he is the adult!

Remember that when you waver. He could have behaved like a good father but he didn't save his children from that. You have their best interests at heart.

I completely agree @MrsTerryPratchett and @squirrelnutkin10, it was appalling to expose his children to that.

Stay strong, OP, you’re prioritizing your children and he needs to sort himself out. He’s an adult, not a child.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 14:44

My brothers going to have them at his home, he doesn’t know exactly where my brothers house is and they’ll have fun there.

His sister has went over and she’s going to take him to the hospital she said he’s almost psychotic. But this is what I need to deal with he doesn’t deal with aby form of stress, bad news like normal people he’s erratic with zero ambition. He drags me down and I’m reminding myself of that. I’m glad I’ve not went over and letting his family deal with it. He needs to realise smoking hundreds of pounds a week in drugs has sent him loopy and not dealing with the crazy upbringing he had. But the way he’s acting is actually making me adamant that I cannot be dealing with this in my life. I like calm and peace and that’s what my children need.

im picking them up from school and I’ve got us a fun activity to do and a nice dinner in the slow cooker. I’m prepared for the nastiness to come but he’s an adult and for the first time in his entire life he needs to sort himself out and he has no idea how to do any of those things but that’s not my fault I’ve been basically caring from him since I was a teenager. I deserve happiness and I’ve landed a good new job which will see me and children through ok 💗

You’ve all helped me more than you know today as I was really struggling earlier thank you

OP posts:
diddl · 18/04/2024 14:48

Thank goodness you have other childcare arranged!

He drags you down & therefore your children also.

Onwards & upwards !

GingerIsBest · 18/04/2024 14:48

Yes, well done OP you are totally right. I think I said on your last thread that you need to writ down all the reasons you're doing it to remind yourself. It sounds like whether or not you're doing that, you're keepig it all in mind - he may well have problems but at the end of the day, he has made zero effort to solve those problems and the result is that you and your DC are suffering. It is NOT on you to continue sorting it out.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 14:51

GingerIsBest · 18/04/2024 14:48

Yes, well done OP you are totally right. I think I said on your last thread that you need to writ down all the reasons you're doing it to remind yourself. It sounds like whether or not you're doing that, you're keepig it all in mind - he may well have problems but at the end of the day, he has made zero effort to solve those problems and the result is that you and your DC are suffering. It is NOT on you to continue sorting it out.

Definitely he’s a very damaged person and maybe this will give the push to sort his life out. I hope he does and I mean that and I hope he finds peace one day.

Im looking to the future of being free and travelling and seeing what life holds for my kids ! I can do this and you guys have really helped me 💗

OP posts:
Reugny · 18/04/2024 14:52

My brothers going to have them at his home, he doesn’t know exactly where my brothers house is and they’ll have fun there.

Thank f* for that.

As a PP said get a ring doorbell or similar asap.

Put the warning sticker(s) up that you have it.

If he turns up it will alert you that he's turned up. He may see sense and not do anything if he knows one is there due to the sticker(s), but if he doesn't and does something stupid/destructive he will be recorded.

(Incidentally they are great for dealing with deliverymen who bend the truth.)

JadziaD · 18/04/2024 14:53

OP, I am seconding everyone who is cheering you on. This man has had plenty of opportunities to change, but he hasn't done so. I'm sure he's genuinely devastated, but it's not your fault that he could not do what was necessary.

And putting this all on the DC is just really really poor of him. A good father would be trying to minimise their pain.

My brothers going to have them at his home, he doesn’t know exactly where my brothers house is and they’ll have fun there.

This also stood out to me. I'd be really annoyed if after a long marriage didn't know where my siblings lived. Even my DC know how to get to my sister's house. He's not even a passenger in your marriage, he's expected you to treat him like a baby.

Singleandproud · 18/04/2024 14:54

@Loosingmymind24 If you haven't already, notify the school so they can keep a eye on the children. I know it seems personal or that they are coping well but it means that teachers can be on the look out for any tearfulness or uncharacteristic behaviour, offer a bit more TLC etc. Class teachers won't be given in depth detail just X and Ys parents are separating and for teachers to be mindful and to flag anything they think is useful, it's not particularly unusual.

If he is really struggling and his behaviour is erratic I would also notify the Police on the non emergency number, explain what has happened and how he is behaving and they can tag your address so if he turns up and causes a scene and you or a neighbour rings them they can prioritise you.

pastypirate · 18/04/2024 14:55

Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 13:16

So I’ve messaged his sister and told her he needs urgent mental health help ( she stays 2 minutes from his mother).

I’ve got my brother and SIL watching kids while I’m working this weekend. He’s called, messaged, WhatsApp everything non stop. I’ve told him get himself urgent help to help himself and that the kids cannot be exposed to all this as it’s not acceptable.

Nearly another day down each day I’ll get there thank you all so much 💗

What an uplifting thread update! Well done!!!

Imo his behaviour is just a tantrum.

When he is stable enough to see the dc it needs to be away from the family home is my recommendation. Kids need a calm space now with no more meltdowns x

WithIcePlease · 18/04/2024 14:56

Well done OP
You sound really clear minded and strong
Good luck x

PrincessHoneysuckle · 18/04/2024 14:58

Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 11:18

Ok I’ve taken this on board and I won’t let him stay. I will also make it clear when he’s with children he cannot behave in this or I can’t let him see them until he’s calmer.

In a couple of weeks when I start this new job there’s no reason to rely on him at all to look after them. I’ll give myself a shake and just be really firm. I think I was just trying to do the best for everyone. But you’re all right I need him to really see we are now just coparents.

It’s hard though but hardest part of actually finally saying it is done, so I just need to be strong now.

Edited

Glad you're not letting him stay he could refuse to let you back in

Bananalanacake · 18/04/2024 14:59

Oh boo hoo, a lazy druggie is upset because the person who paid for him to live and use cannabis is refusing to pay anymore. Well done, you've done the right thing.

Olika · 18/04/2024 15:02

Well done. I know it's hard now but stay strong and don't get involved in his this and that. His family can take care of him. You concentrate on yourself, your kids and doing what needs to be done to progress in this process to become free of him.

Newestname002 · 18/04/2024 15:03

@Loosingmymind24

Sorry a couple more things -

  • have you secured your bank accounts so he can't access them? Also change passwords to any shopping (eg Amazon), internet router, subscription TV Channels do he can't lock you out if your accounts and/or run up lots of costs
  • remember to claim your 25% single adult occupancy council tax discount (do that from the council website)
  • I'm assuming YOU claim child benefit (that advantages you for NI payments/State pension eligibility (check the www.gov.uk website for more information)
  • are you considering claiming child maintenance at some stage?
  • will you change the locks so he can't access your/your children's home? I know you're not really meant to do so if you're married/named on the deeds, but in your situation I'd recommend safeguarding your home. (Caveat: I am not a lawyer..). 🌹
FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 18/04/2024 15:09

Good for you. If he’s mentally I’ll he needs treatment not you mopping up his life for him.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 18/04/2024 15:27

Newestname002 · 18/04/2024 15:03

@Loosingmymind24

Sorry a couple more things -

  • have you secured your bank accounts so he can't access them? Also change passwords to any shopping (eg Amazon), internet router, subscription TV Channels do he can't lock you out if your accounts and/or run up lots of costs
  • remember to claim your 25% single adult occupancy council tax discount (do that from the council website)
  • I'm assuming YOU claim child benefit (that advantages you for NI payments/State pension eligibility (check the www.gov.uk website for more information)
  • are you considering claiming child maintenance at some stage?
  • will you change the locks so he can't access your/your children's home? I know you're not really meant to do so if you're married/named on the deeds, but in your situation I'd recommend safeguarding your home. (Caveat: I am not a lawyer..). 🌹

Always kept separate accounts thankfully and he has zero idea of anything online our entire marriage I’ve had to do all that.

I’ve already spent this afternoon getting council tax sorted too !

Child maintenance would be a waste of time he has nothing and hasn’t worked for months I’ve paid for everything as luckily I’ve always earned well. So I’ll cope money wise new job pays a little more too.

And I’m getting locks charged on Monday !

x

OP posts: