I don't want to do a 90 mile round trip for lunch...

[FluffyHamster]

I know the answer is "well don't then!" but would still appreciate some points of view...

I have a group of about 6 friends. Met them a few years ago at a course related to a hobby I do in a town close to where they live, but about 35 miles away from where I live (there wasn't one closer for me). We all got on really well and still meet up together every couple of months for the hobby - but always at a venue in their town, or one of their houses (so a 70 mile round trip for me).
I've invited them to my town/house, but for various reasons it hasn't happened.

A summer get together/lunch is being discussed and we agreed a date, but all the options proposed are another 5-10 miles beyond their town, so will result in a 90 mile round trip for me. Due to holiday traffic/roadworks it will likely take me 1.5 to 2 hours each way incl. sitting in stationary traffic on a motorway.

It's too much isn't it?
But I know if I say this I will get the vibe that I am spoiling things/ being difficult. And I'm the one who is the outlier after all, by choice.

I think this is always going to be the problem with you being the only one who doesn’t live local, it’s never going to make financial or practical sense for 5 people to travel to you, it is always going to be easier for you to go to them.

You don’t have to go if you don’t want to though of course

I would go and possibly stay overnight so I could enjoy the lunch. I don’t think it’s reasonable to drag 5 people to you when you’re the outlier, so to speak.

But it depends on whether you actually like these people. I don’t think it’s a big ask to attend an infrequent gathering with people I liked out of town.

If you're the only one who isn't in their town, then I do think the onus is on you to do the travelling. I've got a group of friends from uni 20 years ago who all still live in uni town. I'm the only one who moved away, so I always go to see them. Its just simpler logistically.

Obviously if you don't want to keep shlepping out there, then don't do it. But if you want to see these people, then you're going to have to make the effort.

I've never minded being the one to schlep over normally, I think I'm just peeved that they've added on a further 10 miles away from where I live for this one!

What a nuisance, and I can understand your frustration. I expect they already are aware that you live further away, but do they realise the travel difficulties and jams you will encounter on top of the usual journey?

I'd just say thanks but no thanks, and mention the travel difficulties in passing.

I do think that's worth pointing out to them. It might be a bit late for this time, but next time just say "Any chance we can pick somewhere that doesn't involve me driving any further than usual?"

Could you come up with somewhere on your side of their town at least?

Why not suggest somewhere your side of the town? If they all live there, makes sense to have it there. Or can you get the train to their town, then a lift?

My group of friends try to find something that's midway. But usually I don't mind a 90min drive if its only once a month/every other month. Also if a lot of us are going somewhere and we all live close enough, we have a meeting point (usually a large shopping plaza) then get in one car and drive to our destination. So I don't know why they can't do that for you at least a couple of times a year.

Go and stay over?

Smh at posters who assume everyone has the money to stay overnight

45 miles doesn't seem far, but traffic makes a difference. We regularly travel 60 miles to meet my parents for lunch

No assumptions, just suggestions 🤷🏼‍♀️

I don’t get posts like this, just find a venue ten miles closer to you. That’s equally as good or better and suggest it saying sorry guys what about this, travel time is a lot for me with the other one.

Could you not suggest and find somewhere a bit closer to you? 10 miles in your direction from them I mean.
Just be honest with them when you're all planning these things.
"Oh that's probably a bit too far for me, how about somewhere near X?"
There's a very good chance they just haven't really thought about it

I wouldn't create a fuss for an extra five miles as it may be a better venue, but just give it a miss if it's an extra ten miles. Unfortunately, the onus is on you to travel.

Only you can decide if you want to see your friends. I go into London (2hr door to door) to meet a friend a couple of times a year as it's mid way for us. But I want to see her, so I don't mind travelling.

It's fine to suggest somewhere else but I don't think they're unreasonable to plan where they all are.

I would go happily but I like a drive. 4 hours in a day catching up on a load of podcasts with a lovely lunch in the middle is a great day for me that I'd actively look forward to.

@roastedrapidly

It's just a suggestion. I'm sorry if you can't afford it, but lots of people can. Suggesting it as an option to some who travels a distance for a hobby & a good distance to meet friends for lunch isn't unreasonable.

@FluffyHamster

you have options other than yes/no.

1. ask them to come towards you, instead of further away. Reminding them that you do all the travelling each time, but that moving it further away, makes it even worse for you.

2 can you use the opportunity to do the hobby too, would that make it feel worthwhile?

3 can you stay over & make a weekend of it?

4 you could 'suck it up' this time & talk to them in person about the travelling situation.

well I would find a similar venue on your side of town, so 5 miles in your direction, and then message the group and ask if you could do it there as it cuts down the distance so much for you.

They might say yes or no, but at least you tried.

I do think though that the onus is on you to travel as you are the one who lives far away.

If the venue hasn’t been fixed yet, then suggest somewhere 5/10 miles nearer you? I’m really surprised that not one of them seems to have thought about your journey. I know you’re the ‘outlier’, but surely it’s not beyond them at least not to move the venue even further away from you!

I appreciate you are the one who doesn't live local, but they should at least find a location that's in your direction. If they're having to drive 15/20 mins, make it nearer to you, not further away. That would be a given if I was arranging it.

Surely it’s easier for one person, in this case it happens to be you, to travel to meet up than for six people, so at least two cars, travel to you? I understand your frustration but try explaining it to them?