I don't want to do a 90 mile round trip for lunch...

[FluffyHamster]

I know the answer is "well don't then!" but would still appreciate some points of view...

I have a group of about 6 friends. Met them a few years ago at a course related to a hobby I do in a town close to where they live, but about 35 miles away from where I live (there wasn't one closer for me). We all got on really well and still meet up together every couple of months for the hobby - but always at a venue in their town, or one of their houses (so a 70 mile round trip for me).
I've invited them to my town/house, but for various reasons it hasn't happened.

A summer get together/lunch is being discussed and we agreed a date, but all the options proposed are another 5-10 miles beyond their town, so will result in a 90 mile round trip for me. Due to holiday traffic/roadworks it will likely take me 1.5 to 2 hours each way incl. sitting in stationary traffic on a motorway.

It's too much isn't it?
But I know if I say this I will get the vibe that I am spoiling things/ being difficult. And I'm the one who is the outlier after all, by choice.

I'd go as a one off with people I like and want to meet up with. Next time I might take on the organisation and suggest something my side of their town, but if someone else is organising, I go with the flow.

Why don’t you just tell them that? What’s the worst that could happen if you just said, ‘Friends, that venue is adding an extra half an hour on to my already two hour trip. I don’t mind coming over your way, but can we choose an option that makes it a bit easier to get to? How about…’ then you make a suggestion - somewhere that’s 10-15 minutes nearer to you but still close enough to them.

I understand OP.
I had this with a group of people I worked with. They all lived locally but I was 40 miles away.
Every time we met it was local for them. I accommodated this whilst we all worked in the same place but when I moved on, the 80 mile round trip became more of an issue.
I tended to drive but on a couple of occasions for birthdays I wanted a drink so had to get transport there and back, not direct so lengthy and expensive.
I suggested places closer or more convenient to me, they didn't want to.
So I stopped going and the friendship ended.
If they are friends they should be willing to compromise once in a while.

I moved 70 miles away from my friends, and I don’t think anything of the 140mile round trip to see them. I do it all the time. I was the one who moved.

Can they not make lunch closer to you rather than further away from you . I would suggest that . Either that stay over

Can you find somewhere as nice/nicer thats 5-10 miles on your side of their town? Then propose that as a compromise.

I actually don't think 45 miles each way is far at all. But then we travelled 118 miles each way to have lunch last week!
That was with my Grandad though, not sure I'd do that journey for a friend!

I also wouldn't find that sort of journey too bad for lunch. I have family 70 miles away and frequently travel there and back in a day with 2 small children.
However if you don't want to - particularly the extra distance then either decline or find a venue nearer.
But make sure you find a decent venue to suggest thats in the right direction as its hard finding places that are in budget, cater for dietary needs / preferences and in right location. As long as you can come up with a suitable alternative there's no reason they shouldn't move to make it easier for you.

What's that saying - the needs of the majority outweigh the needs of the few! In their position I wouldn't particularly want to schlep over your way either, in their minds they are are each other's local friends. I get that it is annoying for you, but I'm with them wanting to keep things local. Just don't go if it is too inconvenient for you - only you can know if it's worth it for you to travel to keep the friendship going..

Perhaps a different way of doing things? Could you have a 'virtual' lunch with them? So, someone brings their laptop/tablet or uses their Smart Phone so you can have a virtual presence at the table for lunch and chats, but you stay home and don't travel. We did it enough during Covid times, no reason not to use it again.

I wouldn't bat an eyelid at that, we go to my parents for lunch with two DC and they are 110 miles each way. One of my best friends moved to Somerset and I've driven down for a curry on their birthday before and then driven home 1st thing in the morning. That's a 400 mile round trip for me.

Can you not look up some places and make suggestions to them, even somewhere 15 miles from them towards your hometown?

I don’t think it’s that far - but how sustainable is this op?

I think it's fine not to go if you don't want to do the travelling. I don't think you can expect them to factor in the distance from you in their decision making though. They all live in the same place and probably don't think 10 miles from them is too much of a big deal - if you drive there usually 10 extra miles isn't a lot more. If you really want to go, you could book a hotel and stay over?

I'd just say, this is 2 hours from me, could we move it a bit closer to my area or somewhere more in the middle? And see what they say!

This.

My husband does a hobby in our town and all socials outside of the hobby are also in our town. Good for us, but others travel further to get to the socials. I think that’s just the way it is when you join a hobby group the socials will be based around the same area.

We travel a lot to see family for lunches and get togethers. I don't really mind it. TBH. I think it was good advice to say it's too late this time but next time, can we please do something this side of your town, just to shorten my journey a little bit. I'd go anyway, good friends are precious.

I don't consider 50 miles each way too far to travel for lunch. We live that distance from London where I go regularly for the day to have lunch/dinner/theatre/whatever

It’s not that far at all. Next week I’ll be doing a round trip of 180 miles for a relative’s birthday lunch.

Put some good tunes on or a podcast and enjoy the journey.

I also suggest finding somewhere either in the town or five miles out of it in your direction. Don’t be vague, yo need to be precise.

Hey how about this pub with the wonderful garden that does the squid we all like, I’ve head really good reviews of it?

If this doesn’t work I’d suck up the extra travel if I enjoyed their company.

I’d just duck out of it this time.
I’d tell them it’s because you don’t want to drive further than you already do for meet ups 🤷‍♀️
maybe next time they might come closer in your direction but I wouldn’t imagine they’ll ever all organise visiting your Town as the hobby group is based there and they’re probably all happy enough meeting close to the majority.

"Sorry guys, it's too far for me this time."

I don't think a 90 mile round trip is excessive if you really like seeing these friends. Some people's daily work commute is longer.

How about suggesting somewhere between where they live and where you live? Explain it would take you that long to get there as traffic is likely to be horrid so maybe we could meet a this place. People who present solutions rather than problems tend to get a better result in my experience. I’m fed up friends who say ‘shall we meet up in the school holiday’ and everyone says ‘yes’ then they say ‘what shall we do then?’ And then expect someone else to plan it all and someone else usually means me, then they complain all the things I suggest are nearer to where I live and say ‘isn’t there somewhere closer to the middle’ my answer is ‘probably but I don’t know that area’ so now I say ‘yes, what do you want to do’

It's not too much at all, if you care about your friends. I regularly do a trip of 120 miles to meet a friend of 20+ years. I'll also do 170 miles in a day to meet a group of friends of 40+ years, and even that is only a couple of hours each way. Friends are important.