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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want to do a 90 mile round trip for lunch...

86 replies

FluffyHamster · 15/04/2024 13:35

I know the answer is "well don't then!" but would still appreciate some points of view...

I have a group of about 6 friends. Met them a few years ago at a course related to a hobby I do in a town close to where they live, but about 35 miles away from where I live (there wasn't one closer for me). We all got on really well and still meet up together every couple of months for the hobby - but always at a venue in their town, or one of their houses (so a 70 mile round trip for me).
I've invited them to my town/house, but for various reasons it hasn't happened.

A summer get together/lunch is being discussed and we agreed a date, but all the options proposed are another 5-10 miles beyond their town, so will result in a 90 mile round trip for me. Due to holiday traffic/roadworks it will likely take me 1.5 to 2 hours each way incl. sitting in stationary traffic on a motorway.

It's too much isn't it?
But I know if I say this I will get the vibe that I am spoiling things/ being difficult. And I'm the one who is the outlier after all, by choice.

OP posts:
upthehills1 · 16/04/2024 18:07

Where are you travelling that takes 2 hours to drive 45 miles? Even with traffic that seems OTT unless there’s an accident. You don’t need to drive over rush hour for lunch.

45 miles doesn’t seem much so I think you’re over reacting. Hopefully it’s a nice place for lunch, maybe you can suggest somewhere else next time

Springtime43 · 16/04/2024 18:10

BananaLambo · 16/04/2024 13:11

Why don’t you just tell them that? What’s the worst that could happen if you just said, ‘Friends, that venue is adding an extra half an hour on to my already two hour trip. I don’t mind coming over your way, but can we choose an option that makes it a bit easier to get to? How about…’ then you make a suggestion - somewhere that’s 10-15 minutes nearer to you but still close enough to them.

This

RawBloomers · 16/04/2024 18:12

I understand why it’s always near their town and (though it’s a shame) why they don’t get it together to make the occasional trip to you. But I would also be pissed off that they added an extra 10 miles on to the journey instead of finding somewhere, no further away from them, that was in my direction.

Unless the lunch spot is somewhere special in someway rather than just a really nice place to have lunch, I’d be feeling disinclined to go too. It just seems like they aren’t prepared to consider you in anyway while you put in all the effort.

Elphamouche · 16/04/2024 18:13

It wouldn’t bother me

rookiemere · 16/04/2024 18:15

I would go, but suggest somewhere that is in your direction for the next outing and volunteer to organise it.

isthismylifenow · 16/04/2024 18:24

I think me living in a vast country might make a difference, but this would really not be an issue for me at all.

Staying over wouldn't cross my mind either.

You chose to join the hobby out of your area, so it makes sense that you are the one to travel there. I don't understand h being torn about going as now it's too far away.

ringoffiire · 16/04/2024 18:24

Well it's up to you if you want to put in the effort to keep in touch with these friends.

You are not local so the majority of this sort of effort will always be on your part, as you can't expect five people to travel out to you every time you get together.

So decide whether this group of friends is worth it for you. If they are then commit to the travel. If they're not then distance yourself.

Don't moan about them expecting you to go there most of the time - it's perfectly reasonable that you travel when there are so many of them and one of you.

Keeprejoining · 16/04/2024 18:25

Try and get them to meet up 10 miles in your direction

AnonoMisss · 16/04/2024 18:44

CatamaranViper · 15/04/2024 15:25

Could you not suggest and find somewhere a bit closer to you? 10 miles in your direction from them I mean.
Just be honest with them when you're all planning these things.
"Oh that's probably a bit too far for me, how about somewhere near X?"
There's a very good chance they just haven't really thought about it

Exactly

RachelGreep87 · 16/04/2024 20:11

Sounds like you don't really like them

Epidote · 16/04/2024 20:18

Ideally they can look a place 10 miles towards your and they will be traveling the same and your trip will be only 50 miles. Of course that depends on the offer of places but I suppose that there must be somewhere nice as well.

HelloJillll · 16/04/2024 20:23

If I liked them I would go & enjoy some good podcasts there & back.

Imisssleep2 · 16/04/2024 20:49

It sounds like they are being a bit selfish to suggest a location even further on from their town to you tbh. I get that they may not want to come to you as you are the odd one but I venue your side of their home town would be more suitable for everyone surely?

MalbecMel · 16/04/2024 21:56

Have you actually suggested any alternatives that are nearer halfway? Just look on Google maps for suitable looking areas and then check out pub/restaurant websites and trip adviser reviews

WhatATimeToBeAlive · 16/04/2024 22:02

It's an hour or so each way, so very doable if you want to go.

Delphiniumandlupins · 16/04/2024 22:12

If you think the travel is worth it for the lunch and seeing them, then go. If not, decline and explain the travel problems. Ask if next time you can meet somewhere your side of town. Can you sell your location as a day out? Are you close enough to any of them to stay overnight or can you find other things to do nearby to make a day of it, rather than just lunch?

highlo · 16/04/2024 22:13

As a one off I wouldn't be too bothered. I travel that almost daily as my commute....

If you were travelling almost that far for the hobby does an extra 5-10 miles as a one off for a nice lunch make that much difference?

CharlotteBog · 16/04/2024 23:52

Is it actually just lunch i.e a couple of hours, or lunch and then time together i.e. 4 or 5 hours?

Original poster
FluffyHamster · 17/04/2024 11:27

Sorry, just coming back to this to answer some of the points.

As I say, I normally just accept that I'm the only one in my direction so I just suck up.
Unfortunately my route has got progressively worse over the last few months as I have to go on a piece of motorway which is having extensive works done (over 2 years), so what used to be a 45 minute journey is now regularly 1- 1.5 hours.
It's not an enjoyable drive - actually now quite stressful, with lots of narrow coned lanes, contraflows, stop/start traffic and aggressive male drivers cutting in too late!
Nor is there really an alternative route, without a lot of tortuous zig-zagging cross country.
The extra 10 miles added to the other side for this lunch just felt like the straw that broke the camel's back.
Combined with that, the only date everyone can make is a Friday on during a school holiday week, so I suspect traffic will be worse than normal.

We're already too far down the line with this one for me to suggest changing it, but I have asked to start lunch sooner, so I can get back on the road before the weekend rush hour.

I do like these friends very much, and I want to keep seeing them. I have suggested things nearer to me in the past, but somehow it never happens and people cancel/ make excuses!

OP posts:
Maddy70 · 17/04/2024 11:33

I drive 45 minutes to go to work everyday.

It is up to you but i don't think thats too far tbh

TheValueOfEverything · 17/04/2024 11:34

I don’t suppose you can go by train and ask a friend to pick you up at a nearby station? At least the travel time can be more enjoyable, with a coffee and book in a window seat, than driving?

if you like them and enjoy their company I would go. It’s easy to lose friends and hard to make them; especially as one ages.

usernamedifferent · 17/04/2024 11:36

I’m with you on this one OP.

I have learnt to be more honest about these things. So next time you should find a venue 10 miles out of their town in your direction. They’re obviously happy to travel 10 miles and it’ll make your journey easier.

Often meet ups for me involve travelling along the M5 near Bristol - I simply don’t go if they are on a Friday in the summer. Not worth the stress.

Xmasbaby11 · 17/04/2024 17:21

It's frustrating they've chosen a venue in the opposite direction. I think that shows a lack of consideration and they have to be understanding if that doesn't suit you.

Would you be better off getting the train/bus?

If you really don't want to go, decline and be honest about the reason.

Judecb · 17/04/2024 17:46

Can't you go and stay with one of them?

rookiemere · 17/04/2024 17:56

I can see both sides. If there is 6 of them in roughly the same location and one of you in a different one, then I can see why very occasionally they may want to try out a new restaurant that's more out their way without overthinking it.

It's up to you really. Either you want to go and are prepared to drive or you're not. You could respond something like "Sorry I would love to catch up with you but the extra drive just makes this one too far for me this time. How about here ( link to nice restaurant which is 10 miles in your direction) for next time, happy to book. Have a great time on Saturday xx"