Husband continually needing waking up for dinner AIBU?

[Han1978]

Ok so this sounds ridiculous but it’s really starting to get on my nerves.
H has to have a sleep before dinner (for context he’s autistic so does get tired) I ask him to be down at 6.30. He constantly doesn’t come down - I’m calling up the stairs to him -‘dinner, dinner!’ Trying to wake him up!!
I feel like a servant and he just dismisses me if I get upset like it’s not a problem.
ive told him tonight to make his own dinner, I’m sick of it.
its so rude, cooking him dinner and he just stays fast asleep!!

AIBU??

Can he use an alarm clock at other times? Or do you have to always wake him up?

Tell him to set an alarm.

Call him once, then just have your dinner. You could warn him in advance that this will happen. Not your responsibility and unnecessary waste of your emotions.

He has an alarm he either doesn’t set it or sleeps through it!!! It’s driving me bananas

Is there a reason why you're always the dinner cooker for both of you?

This seems like a good time to redistribute some responsibility!

You can't change his behaviour so change your response to it

If he’s asleep before dinner and doesn’t wake up, is there any point being married?
I would be making a delicious dinner for one every evening and see how dismissive he is then.

This. If he misses dinner, it’s on him.

Thanks everyone, it’s just nice eating together and it just feels so rude when he can’t even be bothered to come down for it!!

I'm unsure on the link between him being autistic and needing a pre tea nap because he's tired unless it's from masking or similar? I know all autistic people are different but this napping seems to be causing a lot of drama, perhaps a better sort of decompression session is needed?

Just don't call him for tea, he can set a better alarm (one of those pillow ones!) or get himself up, if he doesn't, that's his issue and he can sort his own meal out.

I could have wrote this post, although my partner isn't autistic.

It's so infuriating, and I try so hard not to get annoyed by it but I just can't help it.

It’s exhaustion after working /just general life during the day. The only way for him to try and stop the buzzing in his head is to sleep or, ironically, the only other thing that seems to calm his is to eat everything

Absolutely

its so frustrating esp when he can’t see why I’m so annoyed

Can't he take his phone to bed and just phone him?

Just explain that you've gone to the trouble of cooking dinner and you'd like to have enjoyed it in his company. Can you push dinner back a bit to give him some 'wake up' time?

I can yes, it just makes me feel
like a help calling people to dinner!!

I do yes, he just dismissed it like he couldn’t care less.

Does he request dinner later and you won't do it because it doesn't suit you/the family? Perhaps some discussion on timing needed if he really does need a sleep then? Seems unfair to continually serve up when you know he's knackered and can't eat it because he needs to rest.

Are the chores allocated fairly? Does he do stuff round the house too? Or is it agreed that he does more of something else and it's all fair that you're in dinner duties?

If youve discussed who does what and when, and he says he'll come down for dinner at the allotted time, make his dinner for then, shout him or text him once, and if he chooses not to come down he can get it from the oven himself later or eat it cold.

Perhaps that will focus his mind on setting an alarm?

If not perhaps he just doesn't want to eat together and doesn't feel the same as you about this special time. Perhaps he just sees it as food and doesn't appreciate the work in it. Or perhaps he can't handle conversation after a busy day due to his autism and you need to accept that?

To be honest if he's not going to make the effort to wake up with the alarm, even after you wake him up to then don't bother with it, I'd just plate his up, and he can get it when he comes down, if he doesn't like that he knows what to do! Having to wake him up multiple times would be annoying to the point that I wouldn't want to eat with him anyway.

Me & DH have opposite shifts so we see each other, but only eat together at the weekend, it's not the end of the world, we cook for each other though. Just see it that this nap as an extension of his working day if that's what's taking it out of him and catch up later?

I think if your husband struggles and needs a nap then just phone him once saves any shouting up the stairs and you getting frustrated.

No he generally requests it early, I’m usually running a bit late if anything!

I work pt so do more chores and he does our youngest DD bedtime after dinner which takes forever so he couldn’t manage cooking as well. If I ask him to do anything out of the ordinary it takes so long I may as well do it myself.

yes you have a point maybe I need to just accept it and stop stressing out, it’s just I find it so rude!!

If he wants to sleep, and he doesn’t want to set an alarm and he doesn’t care how you feel then there’s not much you can do. He’s made his position clear.
stop making him dinner. Find another way to make your meal enjoyable. Maybe take that time to reflect on why your DP isn’t interested in your feelings and why you’re the one making dinner every single night.

He’ll say (I think) that he shuts down because I get annoyed with him and also he’s autistic so he struggles with empathy if he can’t understand why I’m upset

Can you have a couple of nights dinners in the fridge/freezer, so you can heat it up earlier so you all have an earlier dinner?