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Original poster

Husband continually needing waking up for dinner AIBU?

88 replies

Han1978 · 11/04/2024 19:14

Ok so this sounds ridiculous but it’s really starting to get on my nerves.
H has to have a sleep before dinner (for context he’s autistic so does get tired) I ask him to be down at 6.30. He constantly doesn’t come down - I’m calling up the stairs to him -‘dinner, dinner!’ Trying to wake him up!!
I feel like a servant and he just dismisses me if I get upset like it’s not a problem.
ive told him tonight to make his own dinner, I’m sick of it.
its so rude, cooking him dinner and he just stays fast asleep!!

AIBU??

OP posts:
CinnabarRed · 12/04/2024 06:39

Can you reframe your thinking away from “He’s a grown adult making me treat him like a child” and towards “He’s a grown adult with a diagnosed disability so me calling him for dinner is a reasonable adjustment for me to make”?

Stickyricepudding · 12/04/2024 06:46

Could a later dinner between 7 -7:30pm? That's the reasonable adjustment I would make along with him setting his phone alarm.

Health47 · 12/04/2024 07:41

Mrsjayy · 11/04/2024 19:46

Can you have a couple of nights dinners in the fridge/freezer, so you can heat it up earlier so you all have an earlier dinner?

I don’t think pandering to him is going to sort the issue

Newgirls · 12/04/2024 07:45

I’m also worried about his health. Definitely needs to see a doctor he shouldn’t be that exhausted all the time.

Mrsjayy · 12/04/2024 07:47

Health47 · 12/04/2024 07:41

I don’t think pandering to him is going to sort the issue

Show quote history

I don't think it's pandering just organising life a bit different to accommodate ,did you miss the bit where the op said her husband is Autistic or does that not matter because he's a man.

PermanentTemporary · 12/04/2024 07:51

Does it bother him if he doesn't have dinner?

I wonder about his general routine. If left to his own devices, would he sleep into the evening, be awake half the night, be late for work, eat crap and be overweight? Do you feel responsible for policing all of that? I say that because I'm appalling at setting my own routine. Having dinner is quite key to preventing me self sabotaging AND it can feel like I'm being forced to be sensible when I just want sensory comfort.

I don't have an answer to this BTW, just feeling grateful for my own dps who have tried to help. I don't think they should have to.

Tbh for me, a nap of about 20-30 minutes is helpful, more than that is disastrous. But all that is for him to work out. Yes it's rude if he won't engage in family life and refuses to address a problem.

MissSookieStackhouse · 12/04/2024 07:59

Yes, I can understand it’s annoying, but you need to shift the responsibility to him and put a strategy in place to make him change his behaviour. He won’t change if you keep on waking him up and absolve him of responsibility.

Make dinner for whatever time you want it, since you’ll likely be eating it alone. Tell him in future you’ll call him once, or maybe twice, but he needs to set an alarm so if he sleeps through and misses dinner, that’s his tough luck. Plate his for him to warm up later, whatever time that maybe. If it’s really late, again that’s just tough. When he realises you are not going to wake him up and effectively act like his mother trying to get a reluctant teenager out of bed for school, he’ll eventually get the message.

sugarbyebye · 12/04/2024 08:09

I have thyroid disease and have done since my twenties, and I always need a nap, which I have in the evening. But the key to a refreshing nap is to keep it short, don't sleep for more than twenty minutes. I set an alarm. Also, I do the dinner, so I have a quick nap then get up and do the dinner. We eat around 7pm. Sometimes if I'm feeling particularly wrecked I'll get the ingredients out and leave a page open so my boyfriend can cook it instead. And before anyone gets annoyed about division of labour, I'm crap with mornings so he does the dog feeding, walking, and brings me a coffee in bed so me doing dinner is my part of the deal.

If I was napping and then expecting to wake up to a meal I'd be hot footing it out of bed at the first call, anything else is just rude and ungrateful!

Candleabra · 12/04/2024 08:15

Is this new behaviour or is it getting worse? (Or have you just reached the end of your tether with it?)
I understand he’s tired at the end of a working day but there are a lot of excuses in your posts for why he can’t do household things due to autism. Has it always been like this?
Must be very frustrating to be the default person in charge always doing everything - I assume you’re tired sometimes after a hard day but of course not as tired as he is….

Nevermindtheteacaps · 12/04/2024 08:24

He's being selfish.
He's already getting a massive reasonable adjustment - a day time nap while you cook for him.

He needs to meet you halfway.

BananaLambo · 12/04/2024 08:31

Stop cooking for him. He doesn’t care about it, so take that monkey off your back, and just prepare and eat what you like. He’s a grown ass adult. He can manage.

OR if you wanted to be kind, just say, ‘from now on I’m not going to cook for you by default. If you want a meal at 6.30pm you let me know that morning. It will be ready at 6.30pm but I’m not calling you. I’m not the hired help and you are perfectly capable of setting an alarm’.

Original poster
Han1978 · 12/04/2024 08:40

GrumpyPanda · 11/04/2024 22:06

Is there a positive side to him OP?

Show quote history

There used to be, not really any more!

OP posts:
Iaskedyouthrice · 12/04/2024 08:46

Han1978 · 12/04/2024 08:40

There used to be, not really any more!

Show quote history

Was just reading your thread when you posted this 😞. It appears to me that a reasonable adjustment you have already made is cooking tea every evening so he can nap. Plus everything else you have taken on.
The fact that he blatantly doesn't care would be enough for me. Please stop shouting him. Tell him when tea will be on the table amd eat when you want. Yes it's crap eating alone but he isn't bothered OP. You need to come to terms with that.
I would be tempted to sit down and redistribute chores more evenly otherwise you will end up a shell of a person in years to come with exhaustion and resentment.
Tell yourself, you are not a servant, you are not there to enable everyone else. You matter too.
Edited to add, I wouldn't mind about the nap BUT I would not be working to someone else's nap time. If they didn't wake up then that's on them. I have enough on.

Health47 · 12/04/2024 14:29

Mrsjayy · 12/04/2024 07:47

I don't think it's pandering just organising life a bit different to accommodate ,did you miss the bit where the op said her husband is Autistic or does that not matter because he's a man.

Show quote history

No I didn’t miss the bit where op said her husband is autistic and not sure what you mean by asking does that not matter because he’s a man?

Mrsjayy · 12/04/2024 14:50

Health47 · 12/04/2024 14:29

No I didn’t miss the bit where op said her husband is autistic and not sure what you mean by asking does that not matter because he’s a man?

Show quote history

I was just trying to work out what you meant by pandering either you think helping a person with a disability is pandering or helping a man with a disability was pandering?

PaintedEgg · 12/04/2024 14:55

I am struggling to have empathy for someone who shouts at a sleeping person and gets annoyed when they don't get up to keep them company...let him be. it's his dinner that will be cold by the time he wakes up. People generally sleep because they need to

ManchesterLu · 12/04/2024 15:06

I used to have this issue, and to be honest I've just let it go. If I'm cooking something for him, I'll let him know it's ready, then I'll get on with eating mine. If he comes, he comes. If he doesn't, he'll need to reheat it later. Life gets a lot easier when you stop caring (although admittedly that's probably not the healthiest approach).

Original poster
Han1978 · 12/04/2024 15:09

PaintedEgg · 12/04/2024 14:55

I am struggling to have empathy for someone who shouts at a sleeping person and gets annoyed when they don't get up to keep them company...let him be. it's his dinner that will be cold by the time he wakes up. People generally sleep because they need to

That’s an interesting pov thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Han1978 · 12/04/2024 15:19

ManchesterLu · 12/04/2024 15:06

I used to have this issue, and to be honest I've just let it go. If I'm cooking something for him, I'll let him know it's ready, then I'll get on with eating mine. If he comes, he comes. If he doesn't, he'll need to reheat it later. Life gets a lot easier when you stop caring (although admittedly that's probably not the healthiest approach).

That’s really helpful thank you for your input

OP posts:
Iaskedyouthrice · 12/04/2024 15:20

The problem is OP, as soon as you mention Autism you will just get a stream of posters telling you to just do that little bit more. You are there as his support human you see? Your levels of tiredness just do not matter. It's interesting that most posters have ignored how rude he is to you.
It is impossible to mention autism without people, many of whom haven't been officially diagnosed btw, becoming defensive over how much they put at their partners feet. This is why his rudeness has been ignored and you are told he can't possibly do any more than he is doing.

PaintedEgg · 12/04/2024 15:25

Iaskedyouthrice · 12/04/2024 15:20

The problem is OP, as soon as you mention Autism you will just get a stream of posters telling you to just do that little bit more. You are there as his support human you see? Your levels of tiredness just do not matter. It's interesting that most posters have ignored how rude he is to you.
It is impossible to mention autism without people, many of whom haven't been officially diagnosed btw, becoming defensive over how much they put at their partners feet. This is why his rudeness has been ignored and you are told he can't possibly do any more than he is doing.

I think OP should do the opposite of enabling him - let him sleep but expect him to do more at home. So what if he does is slow? he's an adult he needs to time manage! if he want his nap, which he may need, but he still needs to do his share of housework...and have a cold dinner

AtrociousCircumstance · 12/04/2024 15:29

Stop cooking for him. Sounds infuriating.

This is his issue so he should be giving it some thought and coming to you with suggestions.

WoodBurningStov · 12/04/2024 15:38

I'd make tea as normal, tell him what time dinner will be, shout him once and if he doesn't respond chuck clingfilm over it and put his dinner in the fridge. He can eat it when he wakes up. I know people get tired, but also you're not on this planet to parent him.

CrunchingNumbers · 12/04/2024 15:43

OP, if your main gripe is that you're missing out on eating with him, is there any mileage in pushing back supper until he wakes up? Spend his nap time with a glass of wine and a book?

OTOH, if your actual gripe if feeling used and under-appreciated, then that's a bigger issue. You say he doesn't have any positives anymore. Is time for a whole life reassessment or is this just being blown out of proportion?

OriginalUsername2 · 12/04/2024 15:50

Waking up from a processing nap for my DD16 feels groggy and it takes a few minutes to realise where she is. I have to wake her gently and not say too much or she gets overwhelmed.

Perhaps it feels like ages to you but he’s just up there trying to wake up?