Husband continually needing waking up for dinner AIBU?

[Han1978]

Ok so this sounds ridiculous but it’s really starting to get on my nerves.
H has to have a sleep before dinner (for context he’s autistic so does get tired) I ask him to be down at 6.30. He constantly doesn’t come down - I’m calling up the stairs to him -‘dinner, dinner!’ Trying to wake him up!!
I feel like a servant and he just dismisses me if I get upset like it’s not a problem.
ive told him tonight to make his own dinner, I’m sick of it.
its so rude, cooking him dinner and he just stays fast asleep!!

AIBU??

Yup I can do that - so you would consider that reasonable to do that? I do for my son but it just feels like treating him like a child- he’s a grown man!!

We do it all the time, if we are napping we just phone each other and saves marching up and down stairs. My Dh has a processing disorder and needs a sleep some afternoons just to recharge from work.

Can he start his nap earlier or can you eat supper later?

Right, thanks for your input - I’ll try and chill out a bit then!!
H also has processing issues and needs to recharge - altho he has been known to sleep
through a ringing phone!!

Can you not make it his problem?

"just so you know, I'm going to call once but that's all, when dinner is ready"

n judgement or telling him what to do to solve it, just let him know what you're doing.

anything he says of "but I might not hear you" etc, you come back with "that's why I'm letting you know so you can make a plan"

not "so you can set an alarm" or similar, let him work out his own solution.

I totally understand why you find it rude. But if you can reframe it in your mind, you'll save yourself a lot of stress.

Could you just pop upstairs and wake him properly rather than calling again and again?

Sounds like more effort initially, but then at least he'll wake up quicker and then you can enjoy your meal together.

And reframe it in your mind that he's napping so he can give you his full self during/after dinner, rather than he's napping and you're his home help etc.

Well you can but try, I get its tiring and frustrating I hope you can figure something out, try and relax though if he's a decent man he isn't doing it on purpose.

I know this may sound odd ...
But does he snore?
have you considered sleep apnoea?

Yea he has that too he has a mask for it and uses it when he sleeps and naps.

I get the feeling like a butler calling him thing. My DH doesn’t cook. Does lots else so I don’t really mind, but I find it rude if he doesn’t come promptly too. However I realised at one point that I am very attached to food being eaten hot, but no one else in my family gives a shiny shit about this! Hard for me to understand but people are weird lol.

So now I do like pp says and call them all once, if they don’t come then I sit down and eat it hot and tasty by myself and browse MN or the like! You may care more about eating together so may not work for you, but it helped me to reflect that my priorities are not the same as everyone else’s in this respect, and to decide what I can let go of and what I can’t.

Yea that’s true, I’ll try and bear that in mind thank you!!

Personally, when he goes up for a nap, I would do one of two things.

1. Have a quick snack and then join him for the nap - if its good for him its good for you....and then he will have to wait for his tea!
2. Explain to him that you understand he needs a nap to wind down, but that him ignoring you when the meal is ready, stresses you out and keeps aggravating you as you have put all this effort into making a meal which gets spoilt and then you can't settle. Tell him what time tea will be, advise him that you will come up the stairs and tell him once, then you will be dishing up and if he is not down by the time you finish, you will leave it in the microwave to heat up. If it goes in the microwave for any two sequential nights, you will not be cooking for him on the third and he can fend for himself! He will come around in the end.

Is there a positive side to him OP?

My son's autistic (age 16) and often naps after school. I feel like many autistic people find school/work is stressful and wearing.

My nephew is the same any social pressured event causes exhaustion ... It's worth watching "my autistic mind" to get an idea of what autism feels like for some.
He doesn't wake up to alarms either and empathy for others is an issue.
Calm discussion may help you both it's hard and people with no experience of autism can be less than helpful as this thread shows.

Is he ill? or anaemic?

My DP gives blood regularly but every few years becomes severely anaemic. We know the signs now so expect it when he's told at a session he needs testing before they'll take any more. He then has to take iron and leave donating for a year.

My friend's brother saw the GP after falling asleep as soon as he got home. He had a form of leukaemia.

I had glandular fever as a teen and would sleep as soon as I got home. He could have a viral or post-viral infection.

Stress can also exhaust you.

He could have any or none of these but if he has a sleep disorder to start with he's bound to be knackered.

So is his mask working properly... does he need to go back to the sleep centre he got it from to get it sorted .... he may well not be tired after?

Is the tiredness a result of poorly controlled sleep apnoea?

I have a condition that causes exhaustion. I have a tendency to nap before dinner. My partner just calls me on my phone and if that doesn’t wake me up (today I forgot my phone was on silence), he just comes and wakes me. He knows it’s not intentional and that I appreciate him making the dinner so I can recharge (housework is split very equally but I work part time whereas he works full time so I do appreciate him doing the chore I find hardest!). Honestly, it’s just not a big deal in our house. Equally, I sort out the washing into the correct coloured loads (lights/darks/delicates) because he struggles with deciding where each item should go. We’re partners in life, so we enjoy making life slightly easier for each other.

Get him to the GP. This could be symptomatic of sleep apnea

I get this. My husband and I have quite split chores. He does do most of the cleaning etc so no issues there - but he gets angry when I try to tell him what time to eat, always needs to unwind for "15 mins", which turns into 1 hour. I just want us to have freshly cooked dinner at a reasonable time.

He’s an adult married man and needs to start acting like one. Quite shocking. This is 2024 not 1954. He should go to the GP if he’s consistently THAT tired that he can’t function. Is he really just seeking solitude?

Send the children up to wake him?

I think many non-autistic people find work stressful and wearing too!

I would take his dinner up to him, slam it down on top of his sleeping body, get a gong, bang it for all it's worth and shout "Dinner is served!!!" 😂😂😂

Leave him sleep. You tried. He will soon learn or go hungry