Limerence not going away after years

[Limerent1]

Hi all I’m wondering if anyone has had a similiar experience to me, it’s a long story but I will make it as short as possible.

I met a guy whilst travelling over two years ago, both from the same city. Nothing happened at the time, just friends and there was a big group of us. For context, I’m F 30 and he is M 31. Nice guy, attractive, bit immature in terms of still living at home with his parents and no proper career, but I just felt a connection (not a romantic one at this point).

We kept in touch via text and I started to develop feelings for him, and of course I thought he was hot. We planned to meet up when he was home. I heard through mutual friends a couple of months later that he was home, so I text him. He responded telling me he no longer wanted to meet up, no reason given. I was hurt.

Just over a year ago, one of his friends invited me to a house party and told me my LO would be there. I turned up, it was sparks immediately and he came onto me. I slept with him and we were in touch all that week. Then suddenly, he text me saying he didn’t want to see me again. No reason given. I blocked him.

A month later I physically bumped into him in a bar where he apologised, introduced me to his friends and convinced us to stay with them. I ended up staying at his again and he promised me it would be different. The texts soon fizzled.

In August last year, we got back in touch. We met up sober for the first time and the chemistry was insane, as predicted. We would talk for hours and have so much in common. This kind of sexual chemistry is something I haven’t ever had with anyone before him. For the first time in years, I had actual butterflies. He told me he was embarrassed about the way he had treated me before, and that he would never do that to me again. He took me on actual dates, took me out with his friends and we spoke daily. Things were progressing, so I thought.

One night we were both out in the same area so decided to meet up and he had viagra on him, so I questioned it. He said he knew he was meeting up with me, so brought it out. I didn’t believe him. We had the exclusivity chat there and then where I made it quite clear I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and would absolutely expect the same from him. He said he was glad we had had the chat and he wouldn’t be seeing anyone else.

10 minutes later, in the middle of a packed nightclub, he had a panic attack. During this panic attack he told me he can’t commit to only sleeping with me as what if he “wants to fuck someone else”. He then told me he was planning on going travelling again. I was absolutely shell shocked and ran away. His friends found me and said they didn’t understand him, all he did was say good things about me and they think he could be bipolar or something.

We didn’t speak for days. I eventually caved and asked him if he meant what he said and he said he did. He got in touch a couple of months later inviting me round to his friends party because he knew I was out and already drunk, so I probably would. I turned up and again he apologised and said he had had a panic attack due to drugs and felt suffocated with the exclusive chat etc. However, he was still going travelling. He stayed at mine for a few days then cooled off again.

New years eve we met up and spent the night together again, and very casually said goodbye the next day as he was leaving in Jan, for an unspecified amount of time. I told him to have the best time and he knew how I felt about him.

I do believe there’s some sort of MH issue, and definitely think he’s an Avoidant.

I haven’t heard from him since. With any exes, the yearning for them definitely decreased as the days went by, but with this one it just seems to get stronger. I convince myself sometimes that this must mean because we are soulmates or something, but I’m aware I sound deluded. I have deleted his number and removed his friends from social media so I can’t see anything that may upset me on his travels.

Each guy I date in the meantime, I just seem to compare to him and it’s torturing me. I dream about him almost every night and fantasise about him coming back and professing his undying love for me. I’ve read up on Limerence a lot and relevant books - nothings helped.

I’d really appreciate your opinion and any advice :-( xx

He sounds like an absolute prick and he's playing you like a violin. He may be 31 but he has the emotional maturity of a house brick. Stop thinking that he is the man if your dreams, your future knight in shining armour. He's a twat. Go on a few dates, lots of dates, with other men. There are lots of charming, charismatic, sexy men around that aren't utter bellends.

@isthismylifenow fair point about the posting here and googling limerence etc potentially contributing to continued, cyclical thinking. That does seem sensible.

Sorry to hear you've been through it too. I was also in a bad place when it happened to me. Though I didn't realise it at the time. I thought I was fine and all the people telling me to be careful were just buzz killer fun police!

I wonder if we're more susceptible when we're emotionally fragile, and if it's always an unsuitable LO. Why can't we get this excited about the right one?!

Just remember that coming out of this will be bliss. I saw on Instagram recently a woman talking about the benefits of being single and going to bed with a clear, peaceful mind - not wondering ‘if he’s going to call’. That resonated so much with me and helped me get someone out of my head who keeps penetrating my dreams for FIFTEEN years. I thought ‘I choose peace’ and whereas I have not had to block him (basically because I’m used to controlling the urge to message him, even though I can if I want without any real implications) it made me think I don’t want to start a convo with him and then wait in angst for him to get back to me. I want to have peace and to go to bed happy, have a bath, look on vinted. It’s bloody great OP. Honestly, purge him from your system life will be so much more pleasurable. You’ll have a clear mind and no anxiety. Peace.

Yes I am also finding great peace, satisfaction and contentment in the single life. It took me half a century to get here though and OP is probably too young to give up on the promise of a relationship yet! But true singledom (beyond being between relationships or thinking about someone) is truly wonderful and we have been deceived that we need a man to be happy.

Definitely @Superlambaanana i am also older than OP too. Not suggesting she stays single at her age but that pining for someone who doesn’t want you is soul destroying and that we should find ourselves partners that enhance our lives or stay single. Either way, seek peace.

First impressions: you have given clear signals you were available and you made it very easy for him to take advantage of this situation: subsequently he's just cashed in on it when he's felt like it. IMHO it's not attractive being so available: it makes you appear cheap and disposable - people generally want to hold on to things they see as valuable. Have you not got much experience of real relationships with men, i.e. on a personal level: one that lasts long enough for both of you to realise that you both have to work at it to keep it meaningful, one where you learn to compromise, stand your ground, work out what you personally want, what you will accept in terms of behaviour and attitudes, what you will compromise on, one where you have built a two way system of open and honest communication, etc: What about all the other kinds of relationships that exist between men and women - colleagues you work well with and trust, colleagues you have learned to manage because they are difficult or you don't particularly gel with them, colleagues you respect, etc There are many different types of relationship that operate on many different levels: what about real male friends? I'm wondering how secure you are in yourself in the sense that you know how to manage boundaries with people (because you have a clear sense of who you are, what you will and will not put up with, what you will speak out on because you disagree with something, etc) TBH you sound immature and inexperienced. What are you - 20?

It's almost certain this is never going to work out. Now if you continue with this and eventually come to your senses (or grow up) just imagine how all of this, in your background, in your relationship history, is going to affect the view of some other guy who might be thinking of starting/building a relationship with you - IMHO it's a massive turn off. Of course - you don't have to disclose anything but covering up your past is, for some people, not going to help you build a good relationship based on openness and honesty.

I was on the wrong end of unwanted limerent attention: it's coloured my view on the issue a lot: I feel a certain amount of anger and bitterness towards this person - the stupid immaturity and unworldliness of their behaviour towards me has had a very big impact on their life (and people close to them that I care about): I have very little sympathy for her - even trying to square it if it were presented in the context of a wider mental health issue (which it may be, I'll never know) - I still struggle with it because of the damage she did to herself, me and one other person.

Don't glamorise or romanticise your limerent behaviour - it's very likely to be very damaging to you, at the very least. If you haven't got the real life experience to know what real, meaningful relationships actually involve then you should try and seek out some kind of therapy and try and work on yourself - understanding what your limitations are, what you really want, what you believe in, what you value, etc.

Well if you last saw him on NYE, that was only a few months ago, not years- that's not a lot of time to get over an intense crush. It will go away eventually. Just go complete no contact, change your phone number if you have to.

Oh, and the manipulation by "panic attack" is a classic one, I've also met guys who had convenient panic attacks whenever the topic of limiting their sexual exploits came up. "You don't want me to suffer, so stop talking about your boundaries"... or something.

@larkstar
IMHO it's not attractive being so available: it makes you appear cheap and disposable - people generally want to hold on to things they see as valuable.

Decent people don't divide people up into categories like that.
Yes they will meet some people they want to hold onto and others who they don't see a future with, but a decent person doesn't consider someone other people to be cheap and disposable just because they happen to really like them.

If this guy had seen the OP as one of those 'high value' women that he wants to hold onto then that's not flattering anyway if he's the type to treat other women like shit. It's not flattering to have an arsehole think that you're worth more than other women.

@kkloo he's a man. I just don't understand why they butt into threads on MN, or why they are even here in the first place. The men who engage on MN all appear to be raging misogynists so I can only assume they get a kick out of coming on to agitate. Better to ignore him. I hope OP does too. She doesn't need or deserve that type of demeaning, teenage-level drivel.

@Superlambaanana
It's always funny when men post on here what turns men off.

Men posting on MN would be a huge turn off for pretty much all women.
There's women on here who would ignore every red flag going but if they found out he had a MN account they'd get the instant ick and cut him loose

lol this is true. If my LO came back and I found mumsnet on his phone, I’m almost certain my Limerence would miraculously evaporate there and then.

Some people on here are quite mean tbh. There’s so many helpful comments and advice (thanks so much to those posters), but comments like “hes just not that into you” and “he will change for the right one” are just not helpful. It’s not tough love, it’s just rude.

I haven’t gone into depth too much as I wanted to keep it as short as poss, but of course there was depth to him. Of course we had meaningful conversation. Doesn’t that go without saying!? Are people suggesting I’d be limerent about some imbecile who was a mute and just came round to shag me every now and then? Because no, it’s not that. I’d never felt a connection in every sense, before him.

Maybe googling Limerence and feeding this insane behaviour is making it worse, I agree.

OP you're obsessed by someone who can pick you up and dropkick you whenever they like. Just go back on tinder or whatever and I'm sure you'll find as many pricks as you like willing to treat you that shitly. There's nothing special about any of them that would warrant this level of obsession. They all end up fat, unable to wash their arseholes properly, balding and wishing they had a younger woman as they fail to slap their ailing todgers back to life.

Oh ffs, really?!?! not rude just reality. He's really not that in to you. Do you know how I know??? Because you are on here asking Mumsnet whether we think he's in to you. See when a guy is in to you, there is no requirement for feedback just to confirm. They are pretty clear. Maybe you've not felt that yet but honestly, when they are.... They just are. They will be convincing you, pulling out all the stops. He's JUST NOT THAT IN TO YOU. He is absolutely in to the sex. 100%. That's a different thing.

It's not rude or mean to point out that he's not very interested in you, @Limerent1 . You've said yourself he's not been in touch since January. It seems a fair point.

OP he sounds like a horrible man baby. Running round carrying viagra 🤢
Panic attacks in clubs after taking drugs
Avoiding having any proper relationships
Ghosting
Back packing to avoid growing up and having a career.

I’d find all of that totally unattractive.

That aside, I know it’s hurtful to hear he just isn’t that into you, but by your own testimony, that seems probable. Nothing happened when you first met him travelling. When he came back you only saw him because you chased him by texting and then he immediately ghosted. Similar next time round with you turning up to a party you knew he would be at. When you did get a string of dates out of him he still told you he wanted to fuck other people and then he went off again. And hasn’t been in touch. OP he can clearly turn on the charm with you when he wants sex with you. But that’s it.

It’s good that you have now completely blocked him. Would you consider some professional counselling to try and work on getting past this? Because you deserve so much more and should want better for yourself.

Viagra at 31 and you are wasting your youth pining for him?

Get a grip OP.

You can, and will do much better than this.

Sorry I missed a word...

You will do better than this prick

He would have you spend your whole life being jerked around this way again and again and again ad infinitum. He just doesn’t have it in him to be in a relationship OP. Whatever his issues are.
He sounds like an ex from my 20s who had early abandonment issues from being adopted and then sent to boarding school (barbaric IMO but me understanding that didn’t help his inability to be in a relationship no matter how much he sometimes thought he wanted to be 🤷🏻‍♀️ )
You’ll need to scratch it down to experience and recognise that life will be much easier and happier and stable without him on your radar. Don’t be his puppet on a string. You’re better than that.

I feel for you, I do. But he does not sound worth having. It’s not you who is”not good enough”, it’s him. Please don’t waste any more precious time on someone who is very clearly going to mistreat you. Cut him out and decide you are worth more.

I don’t think he knows the actual meaning of support. What he’s giving you is even worse than the opposite of support - wrecking your state of mind.

Sit down and write a list of every negative thing about him. Think about this list whenever you miss him. Start with .. he’s incapable of commitment, uses you for sex, unfaithful, you’d have a rocky future together if you were ever together,

He is running away, this is not a man who wants to be with you and commit

“hes just not that into you” and “he will change for the right one” are just not helpful. It’s not tough love, it’s just rude

How is that rude? It sounds, from what you've said, that the truth is he's just not that into you. If he was, you'd know about it.

He's feeding you breadcrumbs, keeping you hanging around, having no intention of this becoming a relationship.
He is not going to provide what you want and you are wasting time and opportunities with other people who would be interested in a loving relationship with you.

Make sure he is blocked on everything. Read the book "He's just not that into you". I found that helpful when I had similar feelings about someone several years ago and it really sorted me out.
Sometimes a crush like this gets out of control and turns into an obsession and it's often related to other things going on in your life.
You have to go cold turkey. Every time you start thinking about him, think about something else instead - could be anything - think in advance of what it will be. Try to replace pictures of him in your head with something else - such as a piece of music to sing, or an art work, or a place and focus on that.

And the next time you get involved with someone like this, shut it down immediately. This is where you should have shut it down:

We kept in touch via text and I started to develop feelings for him, and of course I thought he was hot. We planned to meet up when he was home. I heard through mutual friends a couple of months later that he was home, so I text him. He responded telling me he no longer wanted to meet up, no reason given. I was hurt

He didn't want to meet up. Wasn't interest. That's that. Next.

People are saying that he's just not that into you based on all the information you have given. Just because it's not what you want to hear, doesn't make it rude. They're not making it up to hurt but obviously it hits a nerve with you. He's not that into you and he keeps using you for sex and, because you're that much into him, you let him.