Limerence not going away after years

[Limerent1]

Hi all I’m wondering if anyone has had a similiar experience to me, it’s a long story but I will make it as short as possible.

I met a guy whilst travelling over two years ago, both from the same city. Nothing happened at the time, just friends and there was a big group of us. For context, I’m F 30 and he is M 31. Nice guy, attractive, bit immature in terms of still living at home with his parents and no proper career, but I just felt a connection (not a romantic one at this point).

We kept in touch via text and I started to develop feelings for him, and of course I thought he was hot. We planned to meet up when he was home. I heard through mutual friends a couple of months later that he was home, so I text him. He responded telling me he no longer wanted to meet up, no reason given. I was hurt.

Just over a year ago, one of his friends invited me to a house party and told me my LO would be there. I turned up, it was sparks immediately and he came onto me. I slept with him and we were in touch all that week. Then suddenly, he text me saying he didn’t want to see me again. No reason given. I blocked him.

A month later I physically bumped into him in a bar where he apologised, introduced me to his friends and convinced us to stay with them. I ended up staying at his again and he promised me it would be different. The texts soon fizzled.

In August last year, we got back in touch. We met up sober for the first time and the chemistry was insane, as predicted. We would talk for hours and have so much in common. This kind of sexual chemistry is something I haven’t ever had with anyone before him. For the first time in years, I had actual butterflies. He told me he was embarrassed about the way he had treated me before, and that he would never do that to me again. He took me on actual dates, took me out with his friends and we spoke daily. Things were progressing, so I thought.

One night we were both out in the same area so decided to meet up and he had viagra on him, so I questioned it. He said he knew he was meeting up with me, so brought it out. I didn’t believe him. We had the exclusivity chat there and then where I made it quite clear I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and would absolutely expect the same from him. He said he was glad we had had the chat and he wouldn’t be seeing anyone else.

10 minutes later, in the middle of a packed nightclub, he had a panic attack. During this panic attack he told me he can’t commit to only sleeping with me as what if he “wants to fuck someone else”. He then told me he was planning on going travelling again. I was absolutely shell shocked and ran away. His friends found me and said they didn’t understand him, all he did was say good things about me and they think he could be bipolar or something.

We didn’t speak for days. I eventually caved and asked him if he meant what he said and he said he did. He got in touch a couple of months later inviting me round to his friends party because he knew I was out and already drunk, so I probably would. I turned up and again he apologised and said he had had a panic attack due to drugs and felt suffocated with the exclusive chat etc. However, he was still going travelling. He stayed at mine for a few days then cooled off again.

New years eve we met up and spent the night together again, and very casually said goodbye the next day as he was leaving in Jan, for an unspecified amount of time. I told him to have the best time and he knew how I felt about him.

I do believe there’s some sort of MH issue, and definitely think he’s an Avoidant.

I haven’t heard from him since. With any exes, the yearning for them definitely decreased as the days went by, but with this one it just seems to get stronger. I convince myself sometimes that this must mean because we are soulmates or something, but I’m aware I sound deluded. I have deleted his number and removed his friends from social media so I can’t see anything that may upset me on his travels.

Each guy I date in the meantime, I just seem to compare to him and it’s torturing me. I dream about him almost every night and fantasise about him coming back and professing his undying love for me. I’ve read up on Limerence a lot and relevant books - nothings helped.

I’d really appreciate your opinion and any advice :-( xx

I had this with a guy for years. Luckily I realised what he was doing eventually- it didn't make the feelings go away (took some time), but made it easier to know the right thing to do and made a decision not to go back. I am so glad as my life got better and better after that. If you're attracted to 'complicated' types try and make sure they're not completely ruining your self- esteem and making you wait around in that torturous pattern.
Put yourself first please! He's not your responsibility and he's not the one!

Reading this thread earlier I heard ‘Can’t get you outta my head’ Kylie Minogue,
now an earworm, this worthless guy has to go.

I put up with shit like this for fourteen years,because I was obsessed,he too was bipolar,it wrecked every other relationship I tried to have,even with Dds dad,he still reappears sporadically but thankfully I now see his true colours and don't fall for him any more.

I've had very, very bad limerence.

There were two things that cured me.

1. The scales falling from my eyes and finally realising the true, unpleasant nature of my LO (You've described to us a real knob. Please re-read all the comments here about his behaviour, they can't all be wrong).

1. Going no-contact.

Time will heal this, but 1 and 2 above will speed things up.

He sounds awful. He must be very attractive to treat you like shit and for you to still think he is a prince. You're wasting your time with him. Find someone nice who won't actively destroy you.

God this happened to me and it took me YEARS to get over it because he kept coming back into my life and saying all the right things and then disappearing and leaving me heartbroken and a bit obsessed with him. I was absolutely like the bloody rats in that experiment.

It was the same - the unbelievable chemistry and all of it, the sex and the feeling that maybe, just maybe, he was the 'one'.

It was all bollocks of course but I never really got over it properly because he would always come back and I'd think 'maybe this time it will be different'. He was never horrible to me, if anything he was always lovely and told me nice things, but his actions were cruel and now I cringe looking back at how I fell for the whole game. I was totally infatuated with him if I'm honest.

Anyway what happened with me was that I met the actual 'one' and it was all totally different. I never second guessed anything, there was no obsessive phone checking or games or anything, it was just lovely and reciprocal and nice. Suddenly it made me see the reality of the knife edge I had been on before and what a real grown up relationship could be like.

I really hope this happens for you or you find a way to move on yourself because you need to, I promise you that this is going absolutely nowhere but towards a load of heartache for you. You have my sympathy though, if I think about it I can actually remember the exact feelings I had and it was a really painful and confusing time.

I’m sorry you’re attracted to someone who does not want to be your boyfriend.
It will hurt for a while and then fade away.

You make the conscious decision that you're not going to waste your life.

You decide only people who deserve your time and all the hidden depths of you are people who are consistent, trustworthy and make you feel secure.

You block him on everything and go no contact.

You let the thoughts about him play out in the back of your mind while you put one foot infront of the other and move forward.

If he pops up again it will make your feelings resurface (block him) but without contact it will die down in time and you'll begin to have clarity.

It's impossible to just snap out of it.
Alow yourself to cry about it, get angry about it, feel stupid, wonder about him, pine for him privately etc etc but overall it's conscious decision to move in a different direction.

This is YOUR only life so put yourself first.

Just how do I undo it? I feel like an addict

Read this OP- I think you’ll find it helpful: https://livingwithlimerence.com/the-recovery-mindset/

I agree it’s intermittent reinforcement but the above link will help you get off the rollercoaster x

Honestly it sounds like you also have a MH issue if you're attracted to such an obvious twat.
I think you need to work on your own self esteem if you think he's worth even a second more of your time.

This is really romanticising him. It's what you really hope will happen.

He told me he was embarrassed about the way he had treated me before, and that he would never do that to me again

Yes he probably would treat you like that again.

It's not what you want to hear, but as a millennial myself, you need know that there are plenty of men out there that may be cultured, creative, intelligent, left-leaning, well travelled, say they support feminism, equal pay and all of that....but they still retain some quite old fashioned ideas about women.

By sleeping with him so quickly, and so informally, you might have turned him off and you went from potential girlfriend material to 'casual sex when I'm lonely and having a dry spell material'. It might be totally fine for them in their heads to shag around......but girlfriend / future wife material? Nope. Double standards are still very much around I'm afraid. That's why he went so cold on you quickly, and was messing you around and giving you mixed signals later.

Although, it's also perfectly possible (given that he had viagra on him???), that he's a forever Peter-Pan type. They will mess you around for fucking YEARS. Honestly - there are several threads from women who have chased after, or stayed with such a man well into their mid-30s when they finally realise he'll never want to properly commit to them, never want to marry or have children with them.

Then, after splitting, those men either keep dossing around for years & years, or they quickly settle down with someone 10 years younger, whom they marry and have a baby within a year or two of meeting. Very straight forward, simple, and it's very sad for the woman who was left behind, who is now single, and will possible remain so and childless for a long time.

Don't be one of those women. You might be good fun, he might feel genuinely emotionally close to you, you might enjoy 'fucking you' occasionally (God he sounds crass)....but I'm afraid he's just NOT THAT INTO YOU!!

You need to wake the hell up.

He’s using you. He will be fucking as many women as he can while he is travelling. He will only be thinking about you in between women when he is having a dry spell, if at all. He will never respect you while you continue to offer yourself to him on a plate - you’re room service - you are answering each booty call he makes. Where’s your self respect?

If he’s got the latest bout of shagging out of his system and pretends to enter a relationship with you, do you honestly think he will remain faithful if he’s so preoccupied with sex with other women?

You haven’t just met him. He isn’t going to suddenly become aware of his feelings for you and decided that you are the only woman he wants to be with. He isn’t scared of losing you bc you always make yourself available. At least turn him down for a reasonable period before leaping back into bed with him the second he gives you any attention. What are you expecting from him?

I would say block him and move on. But if you are determined to torture yourself with the false notion he gives any type of a shit about you then pick him back up in 6mths to a year and see if he’s grown up a bit. I really don’t think he will have. He sounds like the sort to be fucking around when his partner’s carrying his baby and won’t stop til he’s eventually kicked out. Save yourself the grief and any child that may come into the equation further down the line. He may or may not be capable of staying faithful to one woman, but I’m sorry to say it definitely isn’t you.

Move on.

OP, I'm sorry you are going through this. I had a similar thing but over a shorter period of time. I had to go cold turkey. It worked. The thing that did it for me was talking to a friend about her similar experience. She said that the guy made her feel insane - not in a good way. She never wanted to feel that out of control again. That was what I found addictive but she was right - it felt dangerous to feel like that and I didn't like it in myself. A guy like that is not healthy to be around and doesn't have your interests at heart xx

It’s hard OP but I think you need to put a stop to it now. Don’t just go no contact as you may have a weak moment and drop him a line or stay secretly hoping he’ll call you and it can drag on and on. No, you need to finish this properly. Tell him it’s over, that you’ve seen sense and can’t take the uncertainty and need to move on. Then delete his number and get on with your life.

as other posters have said you cannot trust a man like this. He will destroy you. You will be on your own in the end for sure banking on a man like him. Breaking up with people or just not being able to be with them is nothing new. It happens all the time and we have to get over it.

when I found myself in a similar situation I pretended the guy had died. Because, you know, he might have. If he had, there would be no ifs and buts I’d simply never be able to see him again. So then when I found myself wondering about him and if it might ‘still happen between us’ I’d say to myself, well he’s dead, so it’s never going to happen. It worked. It broke the addiction. Try that.

good luck moving on

I have been no contact with him since the beginning of January and he hasn’t contacted me either. I’ve deleted his number. This is the issue - even going cold turkey hasn’t solved it. Maybe with more time it will go away x

exactly this.

this is not love
or even limerence

this guy is a tosser who had a panic attack because he could be potentially limiting himself to one sexual partner? what a moron

One day you’ll look back on this time and see him for what he is, a loser. It’s lust and it’s like a drug, it’s addictive, it’s exciting and you want more. If you were with him properly that would soon wear off.

Delete, block and never again go there. In the meantime you’re potentially missing out on meeting the love of your life by wasting time on the loser.

‘fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me’

This, totally this. I didn't even know what limerence was before this post! You are young, you have your whole life ahead of you, don't waste any more time thinking about this one person. Trust me you are going to meet lots of men, there will be chemistry, go live your life and enjoy it.

Limerence my arse

You have a crush on a manipulative fuckwit and you keep going back for more and twisting yourself into knots convincing yourself he is the Great Love of your life and not a fucktard.

He isn’t interested in you other than a casual shag. He is also a very unpleasant person who enjoys mind games.

Being in a relationship with his man would be a smorgasbord of gaslighting and cheating

Please please step away

What work have you done around your own attachment style? I’m guessing you’re anxiously attached with a fear of rejection and abandonment?

Did your vagina not shrivel up when he had this "panic attack"?? It sounds as though you need something to occupy your mind and energy and move on.

So when you take sex and this amazing chemistry out of the picture, what do you have left? Nothing. This man treats you like a piece of shit and doesn't respect you whatsoever. He is not someone to build life with. Stop entertaining some fantasies about you two somehow ending together and having a great life. You just have to decide to move on and close him to some box that belongs to your past. Keep reminding yourself how shitly he was treating you.

Kindly OP it sounds like to me you have been googling limerance, possibly trying to make sense of what you are feeling.

It's rejection. I'm not into all the new fancy terms, you feel hurt as you've been rejected. Can you see why Googling explanations and constantly thinking / talking about him, you are not helping yourself to letting him go.

You have had some amazing advice here, please take time to digest the replies.