Limerence not going away after years

[Limerent1]

Hi all I’m wondering if anyone has had a similiar experience to me, it’s a long story but I will make it as short as possible.

I met a guy whilst travelling over two years ago, both from the same city. Nothing happened at the time, just friends and there was a big group of us. For context, I’m F 30 and he is M 31. Nice guy, attractive, bit immature in terms of still living at home with his parents and no proper career, but I just felt a connection (not a romantic one at this point).

We kept in touch via text and I started to develop feelings for him, and of course I thought he was hot. We planned to meet up when he was home. I heard through mutual friends a couple of months later that he was home, so I text him. He responded telling me he no longer wanted to meet up, no reason given. I was hurt.

Just over a year ago, one of his friends invited me to a house party and told me my LO would be there. I turned up, it was sparks immediately and he came onto me. I slept with him and we were in touch all that week. Then suddenly, he text me saying he didn’t want to see me again. No reason given. I blocked him.

A month later I physically bumped into him in a bar where he apologised, introduced me to his friends and convinced us to stay with them. I ended up staying at his again and he promised me it would be different. The texts soon fizzled.

In August last year, we got back in touch. We met up sober for the first time and the chemistry was insane, as predicted. We would talk for hours and have so much in common. This kind of sexual chemistry is something I haven’t ever had with anyone before him. For the first time in years, I had actual butterflies. He told me he was embarrassed about the way he had treated me before, and that he would never do that to me again. He took me on actual dates, took me out with his friends and we spoke daily. Things were progressing, so I thought.

One night we were both out in the same area so decided to meet up and he had viagra on him, so I questioned it. He said he knew he was meeting up with me, so brought it out. I didn’t believe him. We had the exclusivity chat there and then where I made it quite clear I wasn’t sleeping with anyone else and would absolutely expect the same from him. He said he was glad we had had the chat and he wouldn’t be seeing anyone else.

10 minutes later, in the middle of a packed nightclub, he had a panic attack. During this panic attack he told me he can’t commit to only sleeping with me as what if he “wants to fuck someone else”. He then told me he was planning on going travelling again. I was absolutely shell shocked and ran away. His friends found me and said they didn’t understand him, all he did was say good things about me and they think he could be bipolar or something.

We didn’t speak for days. I eventually caved and asked him if he meant what he said and he said he did. He got in touch a couple of months later inviting me round to his friends party because he knew I was out and already drunk, so I probably would. I turned up and again he apologised and said he had had a panic attack due to drugs and felt suffocated with the exclusive chat etc. However, he was still going travelling. He stayed at mine for a few days then cooled off again.

New years eve we met up and spent the night together again, and very casually said goodbye the next day as he was leaving in Jan, for an unspecified amount of time. I told him to have the best time and he knew how I felt about him.

I do believe there’s some sort of MH issue, and definitely think he’s an Avoidant.

I haven’t heard from him since. With any exes, the yearning for them definitely decreased as the days went by, but with this one it just seems to get stronger. I convince myself sometimes that this must mean because we are soulmates or something, but I’m aware I sound deluded. I have deleted his number and removed his friends from social media so I can’t see anything that may upset me on his travels.

Each guy I date in the meantime, I just seem to compare to him and it’s torturing me. I dream about him almost every night and fantasise about him coming back and professing his undying love for me. I’ve read up on Limerence a lot and relevant books - nothings helped.

I’d really appreciate your opinion and any advice :-( xx

He may be doing it on purpose because he’s a player or he may be avoidant because of attachment issues. Either way the push pull will drive you insane. One of my first relationships was with someone avoidant (I see that now - wasn’t really understood way back then) & god his on offness did send me loopy until I learned how to deal with it.

If he is avoidant because of attachment he will need to do lots of work/reflection on himself to be able to properly available to a relationship. He may never do that.

Blocking him/friends is the right move. You need to learn now to shut yourself off from him (& others like him). It can be done - I learned how to do it!

Other men may just feel dull because they’re not the right match for you, but you’ll find someone who is eventually. I felt the same until I met my now husband (about other men being dull compared to Mr Avoidant).

And no contact means his shiny star will fade without the constant on-off push-pull.

I've had Limerance before and disagree with the pp who says it's just rejection and you're just hurt by that. It's far more complicated when you get tangled up in something where the chemistry is overwhelming, yet the messages are mixed, and your own instincts have gone haywire. Outright rejection would create a different result. This is more like a moth to a flame, where the flame whispers seductively 'come here darling' only to repeatedly burn you. And this happens over and over.

The guy I had this experience with was also totally unsuitable. He also lived at home in his 30s, had an entry level job (and was unlikely ever to progress), couldn't handle a committed relationship and even had some erectile dysfunction issues! In hindsight I think he had MH issues too, or else was just so low intelligence that he was almost in the simpleton category.

Yet I could not see any of that from the inside. I sort of knew I couldn't think straight about it, but my brain kept defaulting to wanting him so badly that any other thought had no chance. It was far more than a crush or unrequited love and actually was more like I had a temporary MH condition. We must have exchanged a million text messages and I did some things that now seem nuts to adjust my life to try to draw him into mine. He fancied me alright and probably knew on some level that I was caught in an obsessive cycle. But men will never say no to easy sex - especially when the other person is making all the effort and they can get away with making none. They might feel bad about it occasionally, but they're hardwired to do it.

The good news is that it is temporary and usually it lasts around 2 years (whether you enter a proper relationship or not) so you should be free of it soon.

Focus on the negatives whenever you can - the fact that he was obviously deceiving you the whole time and sleeping with other people. It sounds like he probably had at least one other steady interest too and that's why he kept pushing you away for fear of being caught out. The fact that if you did properly get together with this guy all the stuff that attracts you to him would be the wrong stuff for a long term relationship. Can you really imagine being with this guy in 20 years time? He doesn't sound like much of a conversationalist yet you seem intelligent and articulate. Could you imagine sitting beside him at a parent teacher night and not feeling embarrassed? He'll obviously be prone to cheat.

Sorry for the hideously long post! I feel for you OP, it's a bitch alright but you will come through and sigh a big sigh of relief that you didn't end up with him I promise!!

Have you blocked him on all social media? Would also stay away from mutual friends for the moment so you avoid anything connected with him. Time will heal. Think about going to therapy to find out why you're so obsessed with someone who clearly isn't into you as you really need to be able to recognise this if it happens again and drop and block at first sign. I've met a couple of men like this but the attraction goes for me completely with the first rejection/ sign of messing around. One I keep as a friend and meet up with very occasionally. He actually became obsessed with me the second I dropped him but there was zero attraction for me once I had recognised the type. He's in his mid 40s now and still messing women around and vanishing abroad the whole time. You deserve someone who pursues you and wants to be with only you from the get go. If you want marriage and kids at some point these are hard work and you need someone who's 100% into you and committed from the outset.

You need to forget all of the romance novel crap, and he being the one, your soulmate etc. Life isn’t Wuthering Heights.

Presumably, you are looking for a life partner at some point. Ask yourself if he ticks any of these boxes:

Would he co-provide to maintain a stable household?
Is he good at domestic chores?
Would he be a reliable and equal partner in raising children?
Would he be faithful to you for the next 50 plus years?
Would he do whatever it takes to make your relationship work when things got rocky?

Because this is what life is about. Not butterflies and amazing sex and flirty texts. The best foreplay is a man who empties the dishwasher without being asked.

You are wasting your time in world of fantasy and a cocktail of brain drugs. It’s not real. He is not long-term partner material, and to be harsh with you, you don’t sound like you are at the moment either. You have weak boundaries and low self esteem. Get yourself into counselling and become the sort of woman who would not even be on a git like this’s radar. Not because you’re not good enough. But because he would take one look at you and realise you would not for one minute fall for his nonsense. He saw you coming. Don’t be victim to this again.

Why does a 31yr old need viagra? He sounds beyond awful, OP. He just wants someone around to shag. Don’t lower yourself or your standards.

To all those saying 'you need to stop fancying this loser guy'. It really isn't that simple when you're caught up in one of these obsessive 'relationships'. I wouldn't get it myself unless I'd been there. OP's brain will literally be going 'these people don't get it'. And she's right that many of you don't.

You are all right however that he is an unsuitable partner for op. But how many people really, truly weigh up their long term partner with cold objectivity at the outset? Very few. We're instinctive creatures driven by biology and culture and a whole complicated mix of things and sometimes it all goes a bit haywire for women and this is the result.

There is no easy way out of this. It really is like an addiction. No. It IS an addiction and needs time and effort to get clean. Relapse is very likely. And as as with alcoholics or smokers, rational advice is useless - in fact lecturing about the downsides actually reinforces the habit. The addict has to have a 'click' moment themselves and find the inner strength to break free.

I would explore why you like him so much and work on that. For example, does he remind you of a breadcrumbing, immature, flaky parent?The spell breaks when you see him for who he is, a drug-taking, loser peterpan who can't get it up, sleeps around on viagra and leaches off everyone else. He does not need saving or understanding, he is not special or rare, plenty of tossers around like him.

To add: People have known for centuries that ‘love’ is madness. Socrates said it. Shakespeare said it. The cocktail of chemicals released in your brain will make you fall for the most unsuitable person. Brain studies have demonstrated that being ‘in love’ changes the brain akin to mental illness. Hopefully, for most of us, once the chemicals have worn off, the man in front of us is a decent guy. For some, he’s a horror. The Op knows this guy is a horror, yet her hormones are telling her something different. As others have said, it will wear off in time. She needs to recognise the incongruence of what her rational mind is telling her over what her irrational mind is. They are in conflict. It isn’t her fault and is part of nature. But knowing it’s ’not real’ and a form of madness might help her not fall back towards him. He is not what you want or need from a long-term partner.

I’ve been there & had to learn to control it - wasn’t easy, but ultimately no-one else can do it. For me it was the push/pull that drove the addiction & removing myself from that was all it took (I say all, it took me a long time to work out how to do that, but it was an incredibly useful life skill!)

I had a spell with a guy like that. As per @MrsJellybee said, the rational mind analysed the situation and worked out what was going on vs my priorities. I changed course. Went cold turkey etc. I established a loving, reliable relationship with someone else, set up a family etc. The worst thing is, the irrational mind and addiction hasn't died down at all. The intensity of the chemistry I felt has been coming back to me for 20 years - in my sleep! It's like my brain craves that dopamine hit that much it brings it in my sleep- regularly- for over 20 years!

Just how do I undo it? I feel like an addict

What would you advise a gambling addict? Would you advise them to only gamble on certain days or at certain times? I doubt it- you'd tell them to not go to places where they can gamble and not to engage at all.

It's an obsessive form of addiction so the only way to stop it is to go cold turkey and cut off all communication. Block on every platform. I am not saying it's "easy" by any means, but the solution is actually quite simple, the difficult part is sticking to it. It will be hard at first but the longer you go the more it will fade until it gets to the point where you suddenly realise you haven't thought about them for a whole week and then a whole month etc.

You have to take the decision that you arent going to engage in this BS because it's literally hurting you. You have to care more about yourself than you do about him, then commit to that. I promise you that if you do this, with time it will get better. Find ways of getting your dopamine hit elsewhere- exercise, meet other people, get stuff done around the house, date people, spend time with friends, really focus on something in your career and earning more money etc, anything that improves your life that does not have anything to do with him will really help. The worst thing you can do is sit at home marinating in your thoughts about him.

I remember a Sex and the City episode where Samantha was being treated like shit by Richard and he came back to her for the millionth time and told her he loved her. She walked away and said no- "I love you, but I love me more". Thats the place you have to get to. YOU are more important than he is.

I really don’t understand why the brain does this
I’ve had similar and it’s deeply frustrating to say the least

a few thoughts 💭
when the brain gets this obsessive over someone who treats us this badly it’s help to realise this is actually a type of mental illness rather than something real
your brain is literally playing you here

All you can do is to go nuclear ☢️ no contact
literally eradicate all signs of him in your digital life

and don’t date when your heads in such a mess , as it’s inevitable that meeting people with lessor chemistry will make you run back

how is the rest of your life right now ?

He sounds absolutely awful.

you are physically attracted to him and that’s a strong biological / chemical thing. But you need to over come it with your rational reasoning brain because he sounds like a dreadful person to try and partner up with. He would make you very unhappy. He is unreliable and selfish. Give yourself a proper talking to. And ignore your physical cravings!

I mean he's really not that in to you. You are feeling all the chemistry, he's just enjoying the fact you are into him as much as you are and he doesn't have to do any work, can actually behave as badly as he wants and you'll still fawn and sigh and give him great sex.

My advice is... When he comes in to your head say very clearly and very loudly (if you are on your own, if in public say it loudly but in your own head) he has no feelings for me, he uses me and devalues me. Then picture him in your head as a cartoon character and blow him away then watch as the paper character blows away in a carton character way. This sounds quite daft but it works. You have to do it EVERY time you think of him. Don't give in to any disney prince feelings... He does love me just the stars haven't yet aligned. This must immediately be replaced with "HE HAS NO FEELINGS FOR ME etc etc.

The sad thing is, the way you are mooning over him and wasting time.... He won't be giving you a second thought, in fact, you probably bring up feelings of shame in him because he knows he's treating you badly and so will probably be choosing not to think of you at all. He will be thinking about another woman the way you think about him.

Just give it up, it's not a "one day" scenario... It's just a bog standard every day... She's into him and he's not really into her scenario. He's not special, it's not a special connection, you just have a sexual connection which means that you'd probably have really nice babies together... Thank fook you aren't... He'd be terrible.

Does he say the right things to get your defences down and then once he's had you he's off again?

Look at what he DOES. Words are cheap. actions, actions actions... he treats you like shit and you keep going back for more. He's just not that into you. dump and block

I do agree with you, and suspect using the word rejection was not 100% accurate.

But I still believe it is linked. Each time he pushes OP further away, the more she feels the need to gravitate towards him. Like as you say, a like a moth to a flame.

I have been in this situation myself so I do understand (back in the day I even posted here about it under another name).

I was not in a good place mentally. I think this was a massive factor. I had been through a marriage breakdown and this person just appeared in my life, and this is exactly how it played out.

I really had to make a concerted effort to not have him burrowing into my thoughts all the time. And I found googling limerance, making posts about the situation just fed those thoughts even more. This might be the case with all the reading up you have done on it too, OP.

I basically changed up my life, in hindsight it needed doing anyway, and I changed my normal routine, found new things to keep me busy (and stop wallowing as that is what I referred to it as), and slowly my mind filled with other things which were not of him.

OP it did pass, but I think it would have taken a whole lot longer if I had not taken steps to get out of the rut I felt I was in. I did go for some therapy as well. Which I found very helpful, as deep down it really was my reaction to a deeper issue.

Could I suggest this as a route?

I've known the feeling, OP. All I can say is, listen to his actions, not his words. In the meantime, you make yourself the best you can be. Imagine if he DID come back, and you had moped around, got unhealthy and unattractive and had no life. Embarrassing! Instead, use the power he has over you to make yourself better, make a good life for yourself. Then if he ever came back, he would see what he's missed out on, and you might even be in such a good place that you tell him exactly where to go!

You’re right in that it’s like an addiction but like all addictions, the person has to get there themselves. You can only lead a horse to water as the saying goes.

Most people have felt the intense feelings of falling in love/infatuation/lust and all of these really strong emotions. I’ve been there myself (several times) and now look back and think god what was I thinking. As I’m sure OP will one day. That’s why people are suggesting ignore/block and proactively try to stop all thoughts/contact etc, as that’s the only thing that will end this cycle. He’s clearly not bothered about her and will take every opportunity to get his end away and that’s where having the ability to walk away is needed. Yes it’s difficult but it’s the only way

Limerence not going away after years

This isn't limerance and it's not something that has not gone away for years, you were seeing each other last August and then you last slept together at New years.

So it's only been 3 months since you last saw him, and you had a toxic experience with him due to the intermittent reinforcement so it will take longer to get over but it hasn't been an excessive amount of time so far.

You need to block him on everything, and you also need to get yourself to a place where if he does try to contact you again that you DO NOT respond because if you do you'll go right back to square one.

Would you consider going to therapy to try to gain the tools to stop the obsessive thinking and to work on your boundaries so that you don't respond when he contacts you. If not then this could really go on for years and years and it won't have a happy ending anyway.

Make a list of all the shit things he's done to you and look at it every time you get caught up in lovey dovey feelings. It will condition your brain to see him in a more realistic way.
Also work out why you put up with his breadcrumbs, improve your self esteem and put some boundaries in place

This isn't limerence. This is you needing therapy to discover why you value yourself so very little. Once you do you'll be repulsed by him. This man isn't worth another thought yet you're obsessing over him because of your own emotional immaturity. Never mind him. He isn't the one. Go work on you.

He hasn't got MH issues. He's a tosser who knows exactly what he's doing to you and wants the freedom to fuck as many people as he wants. He won't be exclusive with you for that reason. Tbf he sounds like a complete weirdo. He doesnt care about you and is giving you bullshit reasons as to why he cant commit to you. I can bet you the bloody euromillions that he'd soon be committed if his "perfect" woman turned up tonignt. You will get over him, it just doesn't feel like it ATM. Read/follow Lalalaletmeexplain on Instagram and listen to her podcasts- she has a lot of good advice about limerance

It's not him that you are attracted to. It's like a pp said, it's the feeling that he gives you. Some part of you is enjoying the unsettled way he makes you feel and find it exciting. You first met him 2 years ago. So it's not like you've been longing for him for years and years. What you need to worry about is the way you feel about him is stopping you from meeting someone special or even worse you may have met someone special, and you may have dismissed him as he doesn't make you feel unsettled. It's also interesting that you say you felt that you didn't have a romantic connection to him at first but it developed over text... I think that suggests you are making him into something he isn't in your head. I actually think it's probably a good thing he hasn't declared undying love to you. He doesn't sound like he has the qualities to be a good partner, if that's what you are looking for. When you start to think about him, try and think about someone else. Or do something else. Find a replacement person or activity.

I always try to find some good in all situations but this is spot on.