No contact for kids with BIL and MIL

[Lacklusture]

So I am pregnant and have not been in contact with MIL and BIL (and his wife) for some time now. MIL is a hoirrible narcissist who ghosted her way out of my life; BIL and his wife made it quite clear to me that they see no reason to have a relationship with me and that their only concern was DH, him being the blood relative.

DH has always been solid in his family's corner; something that has been a source of pain, strife and depression in our marriage but we have resigned to it (I dont think he will change; he is just conditioned to not challenge them and to believe they're reasonable and well meaning no matter what happens in reality and I am the problem in his view). With the baby coming, I wish for our kid to have little to do with MIL and nothing to do with BIL. I understand that as grandma MIL has some rights to see the child and I want to allow her that; but it is going to be pretty minimal and on my terms (ie. in my/our baby's home). As for BIL, i couldn't care less if my baby didn't have such an uncle and i have no interest in entertaining him or any supposed right he has over our kid (and I think no loss if my kid(s) dont end up knowing any kids he has).

Now the question for mumsnetters - has anyone been in a similar situation, particularly with an unsupportive DH? What happened in your case? Did it result in the breakdown of your marriage or did your DH come to accept it?

Relationship with SIL has been strained but not as bad as with BIL; she has also taken a dislike to me (as a result of MIL's tactics) and rowed with me but she has made some effort to make peace/be civil with me after. FIL (divorced from MIL) has been stand-offish with me (as he is more concerned about his ex-wife and kids, which is fine) but the relationship between us is ok; not great but ok. So I dont feel i need to restrain contact for our kid when it comes to SIL and FIL; i think i will be more welcoming of them.

I am just wondering what the backlash from my blind and biased DH is going to be.....

DH’s sisters didn’t like me. I never expected DH to take sides, but was always clear that I expected to be treated reasonably and politely, and that I would do the same. I fully expected him to take my side if one of them was rude to me, but thankfully that didn’t happen. It’s hard to answer your question without having some insight into what went wrong. Nonetheless, fair to say to your DH that you will respect his family as long as they respect you. Relationships work both ways.

OP - this baby is not your property. Both you and your H have parental rights - so you can not unilaterally decide that baby doesn’t meet/see family members.
You, of course - do not have to see H’s family that you don’t get along with. But your H can facilitate whatever contact he deems appropriate.

Given how you speak about your H, and that you seem to be willing to kill your marriage over your H’s ‘blind and biased’ attachment to his family - i am not sure your marriage will survive long.

(As a side note - you do sound rigid and jumpy. If i had a partner like you who would demand I chose them over my family - I’d be gone very quickly. Certainly before any kids appeared on the scene.)

@MMmomDD - the child certainly will not be my property but until they are old enough to discern, i certainly as mother have the responsibility to protect them from harm - MIL and BIL are nothing but harm - to our wellbeing as a family. I therefore see nothing wrong in minimising/disallowing contact with them. The kids can only see people that the parents agree on the kids seeing - parents includes me and my agreement (or the lack of it) 100% counts! My husband is certainly biased to his bones when it comes ot his family of origin and this has come up in couples counselling a lot - with multiple counsellors. So whilst he is a lovely husband in other ways and will be a lovely dad, he has no skills to protect his own family, from his family of origin. where needed. Yes I am willing to risk my marriage over this as I know how important it is.

Sure, risk your marriage, and once your child is with their Dad on his custody days, his family will get to see the child anyway.

Mil has no rights to your dc.. As a dm you need to protect your dc from cunts. If mil and other ils are cunts you need to do a good job... Dh can see his family. Tell him when dc is old enough to decide if they want to hang out with cunts they can.

In what way will your MIL and BIL harm your DC if they spend time with them?

Does it outweigh the harm that your DC could potentially suffer if your marriage breaks down?

Of course, many families are happier and stronger when the parents live separately. But is this a risk worth taking for the sake of keeping your DC away from your DH's family?

As I said OP - i think you misunderstand what it means to be a parent; or how it works when you have a child.
You CAN NOT forbid your H from visiting his family with the child. Or facilitating contact in some other way.
He DOES NOT need some explicit permission from you for the contact.
And your baby will not be an infant tied to you for breastfeeding for too long. So the argument of needing to be attached to a mother won’t stand for too long.

I do not know what your MIL and BIL are like. I understand you don’t like them and do not get along with them. But you sound quite self focused and dictatorial yourself, so I am sure there is a lot more to the story of what went wrong there.

You can not decide on your own that your child will not have a relationship with his father’s side of the family. it does not work like that, even if you want it to. Period.

If you split up with your h, you will have no
control over contact with MIL and BIL. Unless they are child sex offenders or something, he could move in with them and there would be nothing that you could do legally.

@Gazelda i do not want my children to learn anything from my MIL - i see what she has done to her own children and I do not want my children to be conditioned in the same way or absorb the dysfunctional family dynamics of theirs. As for BIL, he has been extremely rude to me and clear to me that he has no interest in a relationship with me; I dont see why then he shoul dhave a relationship just with my child. I just dont see the value such an uncle poses to a child.

The problem you are going to have is if they are an ‘only blood is family’ kind of family, then that is going to include your baby too. If your DH is in his family’s corner you are going to stand no chance of stopping the baby have a relationship with DHs family.

If you push it so hard that your marriage ends, your baby will likely spend much more time with your in-laws than if you stay as a family unit, as you won’t have any say on the days he has your child.

These scenarios only work in your favour if your DH is on your side.

@MMmomDD - According to the law, unless extended family members have a court order, they dont really have any automatic rights to contact with child.

in my case , when my ex stopped contact with dd1 , his whole family did as well .

@ASeagulStoleMyIceCream - that is a v valid point and that is what my concern is too. I want to understand how to get DH to accept that his mother is going to have less than ideal contact and his brother none. I have even considered leaving the country to get some space from his family...

@Toomanysquishmallows - my DH will not stop contact with child at any cost.. he is a lovely man in many ways and will make a lovely dad. I am sure he will want to be in child's life whatever the case (and i would want the same).

So if DH announces that he's off to visit MIL and is taking DC with him, what could you do?

You each have rights to restrict access to certain individuals. But unless there is some kind of protective order in place, DH has an equal right to decide who is/isn't allowed access.

And if your marriage fails, during his contact time, how would you be able to monitor or restrict who has access to your child.

In short (and I admit this is harsh), you should have perhaps not had a child with your DH if you know that you both perceive the relationship with the ILs so differently, and both have wildly different expectations on contact.

Your MIL won’t have a legal right to see your child.

Mine doesn’t see my son, and hasn’t since he was 6 months old. I wouldn’t want to reintroduce them now - I think low or minimal contact would be very confusing for a toddler. No contact is much easier for him to understand. He doesn’t miss what he’s never had (as far as he can remember). Contact before 6 months was very sparse too.

The key here is that my DH is in agreement with me. I’ve no doubt that he wishes it was different but he understands why I’m cautious and he agrees that contact isn’t a good idea.

I honestly don’t know how you overcome that if you are not in agreement.

In law if you divorce your dh would probably get 50/50 and he could choose to spend a large part of that with his family. You would have no say in this. Just as he could not have any say in who you spend time with when they are with you.

if you are going to stay with Dp then allowing some interaction with his family is going to be the easiest solution. You will be able to counteract anything you need to with the kids. Bil may be ok as kids are blood relatives

no easy choices op I’m afraid

I wonder if i should have an abortion. Is that the best way out of this situation? I think it will destroy me if i have to suffer my children being taken away from me for holidays, family parties, etc by DH (because he can). I feel so traumatised by how his family cut me off collectively (and DH would not even see it leave alone support me); if i have to go through that with my children included, it would destroy me.

I think you need to talk to a professional about how you’re feeling.

When you decided to ttc how did you imagine things playing out? He is who he is, I really wouldn’t have advocated getting pregnant by someone who doesn’t have your back.

Can you imagine being post partum in hospital and your inlaws visiting, or on the sofa trying to rest, recover, get to grips with feeding while they hover over your newborn? Staying at home while he insists he’s taking your baby to visit them?

I don’t know what you should do, aborting a baby you want seems extreme so you could try counselling if he’d agree? We’re NC with DH family but that’s his decision and hell will freeze over before he lets anyone near our children. Bad parents don’t often make good grandparents.

Could your marriage survive if you terminate purely due to your dislike of his family?

OP please go and speak to a professional expert. These kind of decisions should not be taken lightly and Mumsnet is not the solution here. You are clearly severely emotionally stressed. Even tonight, you could call the Samaritans.

OP - with respect - you sound unhinged and in need if help.
And i say that as w divorced woman with kids who does not get along with my (former) in-laws.

You seem to be wanting to use your child as some sort of score settling.
Your H’s parents and brother do not like you - its not great but not the end if the world. Doesn’t need to become a huge issue you are willing to abort your child over - OR engage in parental abduction.

You may consider your MIL in law a devil incarnate - because she didnt like you. But your H who you presumably love and who is sane and has his own agency - does not share your pov. He has a right to disagree with you. And he probably knows better

Its hard to have any sort of opinion without knowing why the issues have arisen?

I personally wouldn't have decided kids was a good idea with a man whose family I hated so much

this baby is not your property. Both you and your H have parental rights - so you can not unilaterally decide that baby doesn’t meet/see family members.

That. So far you've not given any reason why these people are a danger to your child. All you've given is is that you don't like them (and presumably they don't like you).
That's not enough. They're your DH 's family and he cares about them. If they were abusive, he wouldn't. Presumably if they were any real risk to your child, he wouldn't take that risk.

All I'm getting at the moment is that there's a personality clash between you and your in-laws. That you'd even consider an abortion for this reason is truly disturbing