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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

No contact for kids with BIL and MIL

96 replies

Lacklusture · 10/04/2024 17:21

So I am pregnant and have not been in contact with MIL and BIL (and his wife) for some time now. MIL is a hoirrible narcissist who ghosted her way out of my life; BIL and his wife made it quite clear to me that they see no reason to have a relationship with me and that their only concern was DH, him being the blood relative.

DH has always been solid in his family's corner; something that has been a source of pain, strife and depression in our marriage but we have resigned to it (I dont think he will change; he is just conditioned to not challenge them and to believe they're reasonable and well meaning no matter what happens in reality and I am the problem in his view). With the baby coming, I wish for our kid to have little to do with MIL and nothing to do with BIL. I understand that as grandma MIL has some rights to see the child and I want to allow her that; but it is going to be pretty minimal and on my terms (ie. in my/our baby's home). As for BIL, i couldn't care less if my baby didn't have such an uncle and i have no interest in entertaining him or any supposed right he has over our kid (and I think no loss if my kid(s) dont end up knowing any kids he has).

Now the question for mumsnetters - has anyone been in a similar situation, particularly with an unsupportive DH? What happened in your case? Did it result in the breakdown of your marriage or did your DH come to accept it?

Relationship with SIL has been strained but not as bad as with BIL; she has also taken a dislike to me (as a result of MIL's tactics) and rowed with me but she has made some effort to make peace/be civil with me after. FIL (divorced from MIL) has been stand-offish with me (as he is more concerned about his ex-wife and kids, which is fine) but the relationship between us is ok; not great but ok. So I dont feel i need to restrain contact for our kid when it comes to SIL and FIL; i think i will be more welcoming of them.

I am just wondering what the backlash from my blind and biased DH is going to be.....

OP posts:

Nosleepforthismum · 10/04/2024 19:51

I would have said this is a conversation you should have had with your DH before deciding to get pregnant. Your baby should not be used as a pawn in any game playing between you and your in-laws at any rate.

helenwaspushed · 10/04/2024 19:55

I'm more of a lurker but I logged in to say something because I can see that others replying don't understand. I will make the assumption that these people (MIL and BIL) are abusive. That's obviously an assumption but it feels obvious to me that there is more to the story.

If my choice was to have a child forced to be exposed to abuse or abort, I would abort. I was from an abusive family. Don't have a child with a man who can't/won't protect them if you have any choice at all. And leave this man because he won't change.

Good luck.

DancesWithDucks · 10/04/2024 19:58

I think the only thing you can do is take a good long look at the -reality- of the situation, consider what's likely to happen in the future if you stay with your husband or if you don't, just how important contact/no contact is for you and then make a decision.

ElloiseMcTavish · 10/04/2024 20:06

My husband is certainly biased to his bones when it comes ot his family of origin and this has come up in couples counselling a lot - with multiple counsellors

I’m wondering why so many counsellors? Do you change counsellor when one doesn’t agree with you OP?

You can’t legally stop your DH from taking your child to see his family and parents as he clearly doesn’t see an issue with them being a part of the child’s life.

I wonder if i should have an abortion. Is that the best way out of this situation? I think it will destroy me if i have to suffer my children being taken away from me for holidays, family parties, etc by DH (because he can). I feel so traumatised by how his family cut me off collectively (and DH would not even see it leave alone support me); if i have to go through that with my children included, it would destroy me

Only you know why his family cut you off and you appear to have difficult relationships with most of his family from what you’ve posted. I’m shocked at your suggestion of having an abortion simply to avoid your DH’s family having contact with the child. That’s wrong on so many levels.

Shepadoodle · 10/04/2024 20:10

You can try to restrict contact but if your DH decides it too much and wants to divorce, you won't be able to stop his family seeing the child during his contact. Being horrible people isn't enough. Your child would need to be at actual risk (that you can prove) before a court would do anything.

UneFoisAuChalet · 10/04/2024 20:18

I think the best way out of this if you leave your DH and his family altogether and maybe the best way to do this - due to all your fears - valid or not - is to have an abortion.

I’m assuming you’ve been on MN before and have read the countless threads about PIL and children. In all my time here - and I’m prepared to be corrected - no one has ever contemplated abortion to avoid their PIL issues. It’s an extreme reaction and worrisome to me and I’m sure all the others reading this thread.

I’ve never said this before but I’m going to report this thread because I don’t think a public Internet forum can help you address these issues.

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 10/04/2024 21:00

I think you should talk to your DH about how deeply you are feeling about this. If you love your unborn baby, then abortion is not the answer, just to block the in-laws out. You will be just eaten up another way. It sounds like they are in your DHs life anyway, so it wouldn’t change things for you.
If your DH knows you feel this bad maybe he will choose to put you and the baby first.

Original poster

Lacklusture · 10/04/2024 21:07

Well, I didnt want to be outed so i worked a couple of lies in which i think has had a very adverse effect. I am not yet pregnant but we are actively trying so i could get pregnant anytime. The rest of the post (re MIL and BIL) is based on what I would want, if we did get pregnant. As for the abortion, what I thereby meant was, perhaps I should not ttc and should leave the relationship now (and lose a lovely husband for the one flaw here is how his blind support for his family has thrown our marriage into pain and depression). We have had loads of couples counselling to no avail (and to someone who asked if i kept changing counsellors - no I didnt; he did - he even said "if only a different person tells you how its all you, then maybe you'll get it" - when infact every counsellor has tried to point out his bias and he doesnt get it). I love him, I dont want to lose him and I desperately want a family but we are very misaligned on approach to horrible in laws and I fear this will continue and worsen as we have kids. If i leave him now, I will probably never have kids - I am already 38 with low fertility.

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 10/04/2024 21:12

What a sick lie.

LunchBoxPolice · 10/04/2024 21:13

You definitely need more therapy

K0OLA1D · 10/04/2024 21:18

Wow

RockyRogue1001 · 10/04/2024 21:19

This doesn't sound healthy at all

Original poster

Lacklusture · 10/04/2024 21:20

@AuntMarch - well it was to not be outed... i just skipped forward a few months to what i think the scenario will be when pregnant...

OP posts:

AuntMarch · 10/04/2024 21:27

And at no point writing that OP did you think, God this would be a disaster, and decide you should stop ttc until you've reached an agreement with your husband?

AutumnFroglets · 10/04/2024 21:29

You can't stop him taking HIS child to see his parents and brother. You don't need to visit, nor do you have to have them in your shated home.

You cannot run away to a different country with the baby without his permission. That would be kidnap and you could be sent to prison.

Your responses seem very extreme, including threatening abortion, despite having seen multiple counsellors.

I now see you are NOT actually pregnant - don't have a child with this man. Just don't. You aren't stable enough.

ASeagulStoleMyIceCream · 10/04/2024 21:32

What has shocked me the most about this thread @Lacklusture is that even though you aren’t really pregnant you dropped in the comment about having an abortion instead and worried people. Completely sick. Don’t have a baby - ever.

RockyRogue1001 · 10/04/2024 21:38

I agree with others.

You shouldn't have a baby, @Lacklusture

You also are presenting as incredibly controlling

MolkosTeenageAngst · 10/04/2024 21:39

Don’t have a child with him if you can’t stomach the idea of his family, who he is close with, having a relationship with the child. Once the relationship ends and he has 50/50 contact you will not be able to stop him from taking your child to be around his family. If they really are toxic then I bet in a decade or sos time they will have turned your child against you and your child will be living with dad full time. It really doesn’t sound worth the stress.

Asiama · 10/04/2024 21:41

OP that's an awful fantasy you have spun there. I was so worried until I read your post that it's made up.

You shouldn't have a baby with this man at all. He has a right to take his child to see his family, just as you have a right to take the child to see yours.

I think you should also take some time out to work on yourself as I expect the experiences you have had with your in-laws will have had a negative impact on you, and I wonder if those experiences are impacting your judgement on whether posting this story is appropriate.

AnneLovesGilbert · 10/04/2024 21:46

Wow, that’s so unpleasant I don’t know what to think. Stop ttc. You’re not in a good place to have a baby at all. That’s just twisted tbh and as if being honest would out you 🙄

Get a divorce, your marriage isn’t healthy and you’d both be better off apart. Get a new therapist for yourself, you really need help.

Quitelikeit · 10/04/2024 21:47

Can I ask what these people did to you that was so bad?

You should never pressure your husband to cut ties with his family as he will resent you

It is truly dreadful when people fall out with the in laws and it makes for a very uncomfortable life

It should only be done when absolutely necessary otherwise you end up in your scenario!

ElloiseMcTavish · 10/04/2024 21:47

What an awful lie to post when others spent the time giving you their opinion. I’ve read some weird things on here but that lie is probably one of the worst.

Allthegoodnamesaregone1 · 10/04/2024 21:49

Any child you have will have a relationship with your in laws. Either via your marrige or after your divorce.

Do with that information what you will. Bit the moment that baby is born you need to get over it and not cause any drama. So if you can't. Don't conveive it.

mrsdineen2 · 10/04/2024 21:52

Planning to get pregnant to then have an abortion just to prove a point to your husband?

There are no words for how truly disgusting that is.

Original poster

Lacklusture · 10/04/2024 21:55

@Quitelikeit - I have not pressured my husband to cut any ties. He sees them and join in on family events, etc. I just want a lot more say over my children - seriously is that so awful? The forum is full of people who say they are no contacts with in laws and kids dont see in laws.... I dont understand what I have asked about that is so much worse? I understand my lies to not be outed were very unsavoury and i apologise... i didnt actually mean abortion as i am not pregnant and i am desperate to have a child so i would never harm one - I meant perhaps i should stop ttc as i find the sitatuon with DH's lack of support very awful.

OP posts:

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