No contact for kids with BIL and MIL

[Lacklusture]

So I am pregnant and have not been in contact with MIL and BIL (and his wife) for some time now. MIL is a hoirrible narcissist who ghosted her way out of my life; BIL and his wife made it quite clear to me that they see no reason to have a relationship with me and that their only concern was DH, him being the blood relative.

DH has always been solid in his family's corner; something that has been a source of pain, strife and depression in our marriage but we have resigned to it (I dont think he will change; he is just conditioned to not challenge them and to believe they're reasonable and well meaning no matter what happens in reality and I am the problem in his view). With the baby coming, I wish for our kid to have little to do with MIL and nothing to do with BIL. I understand that as grandma MIL has some rights to see the child and I want to allow her that; but it is going to be pretty minimal and on my terms (ie. in my/our baby's home). As for BIL, i couldn't care less if my baby didn't have such an uncle and i have no interest in entertaining him or any supposed right he has over our kid (and I think no loss if my kid(s) dont end up knowing any kids he has).

Now the question for mumsnetters - has anyone been in a similar situation, particularly with an unsupportive DH? What happened in your case? Did it result in the breakdown of your marriage or did your DH come to accept it?

Relationship with SIL has been strained but not as bad as with BIL; she has also taken a dislike to me (as a result of MIL's tactics) and rowed with me but she has made some effort to make peace/be civil with me after. FIL (divorced from MIL) has been stand-offish with me (as he is more concerned about his ex-wife and kids, which is fine) but the relationship between us is ok; not great but ok. So I dont feel i need to restrain contact for our kid when it comes to SIL and FIL; i think i will be more welcoming of them.

I am just wondering what the backlash from my blind and biased DH is going to be.....

You are not ready to be a mother tbh. You can’t see beyond your own ideals. Your dc has no chance with a mother like you!

Where does your DCs other parent fit in with your unrealistic ideas of parenthood and familial bonds?

MIL has no rights, but you also don't get to unilaterally decide what the baby's father can and can't do, otherwise yes, the relationship is ruined. Whether MIL, FIL, BIL & SIL are all unreasonable, you've done an arm chair diagnosis of narcissism on your MIL, and currently you're the common denominator in the fall out with 4 people. Your husband, who you've got enough respect/ love/ affection for to create a child doesn't agree with your assessment of his family, and wants to be involved with them. If you start dictating that the baby can only have contact under your conditions and no other, as people have said, when you inevitably separate, he can take the baby/ child there as often as he wants in his visitation time. You need to be a tad more flexible here and compromise, not dictate

It's not all that disfunctional for a family to support their mother if a DIL falls out with her. Their loyalty will be toothe person they love, and they'll resent the newcomer upsetting her.

And in this case the family still invite you to things. But in your eyes that's wrong too and you won't go?
You are confident that I would do the same as you. Well I think you're wrong. Would I find it hard? Yes. But oddly enough I've been in a similar situation recently, and I swallowed my pride, put my big girl pants on, and went to the event, because it made sense to take the high road, and to potentially leave the door open to a less tricky relationship.

If you’re in England and you split up, your ex can request up to 50% custody once the child gets a little older (say age 2) He could ask MIL to look your child while he works as it will cost nothing and he can’t say no to her. If she doesn’t work or works very little then this is a real possibility that you wouldn’t be able to prevent because he has the legal right to choose the childcare on his days and can argue the moral right that baby should know his side of the family.
Regardless of who is wrong in your fall out with MIL, it’s a matter of time before your h works out that he can do as he pleases as he’s an equal parent to you and leaving will mean fewer arguments.

The only way that you can stop MIL seeing your child is if your husband agrees and it sounds like that will never happen.

My MIL doesn’t like me. Suspect FIL & SIL aren’t keen. They’ve still been good family members to all our children (now adults) & they have their own relationships. The kids joke about her dislike of me with me. It’s a family joke

Our children are independent beings. We don’t own them. Yes we have to protect them but unless the parents are addicts or abusive (& having no interest in you isn’t abusive) there really is no need to restrict access.

You do sound very rigid and a rather dramatic/immature (termination because you won’t get your own way around a child seeing their family - really??). I’d honestly seek out some counselling & look into parenting courses - I mean that kindly - parenting is very rewarding but you can’t control your children/their lives.

Ah replied previously half way through thread.

If you don’t like MIL and she isn’t keen on you then honestly this sounds perfect. I find that my MIL and I get on a lot better when our contact is limited.

i used to get ill before MIL visited I found it so stressful. I had counselling to help me manage my response (can’t control her, but can change my response). I’d recommend it. Letting go of wanting to be liked by her has improved our relationship no end.

counselling may also help you with missing your own family & not being able to replace that with your in laws (which may be the issue here)

And find a way to fill your time. When you have kids time without them when you truly have time alone is very difficult. DH taking thrm
to in laws for a few hours with no expectation for you to attend may end up being a slice of heaven.

I think you'd be mad to have a baby in the circumstances.
Also terrible to lie like that , especially the abortion comment.

If your in laws are vile - don't really know what they've done - then why should they see your child?

You and your child come as a package. They don't get to be awful to you and get what they want.

Why doesn't your husband care about their behaviour?

You have peace because you're avoiding the issue. Once a baby comes, you can't avoid it. If he's already packed his bags 2 -3 times you're on a loser.

Btw I think the reason you've had such a hard ride on this thread is because of your phrasing. How you phrase things makes ALLL the difference here.

I've seen the advice not to have a baby with a mummy's boy many times on this forum. If several counsellors have said there's a problem with the way he is handling you and his family, and he keeps changing counsellor until he can get the right answer, that's outside objective evidence there's a major problem.

You may love him, but sometimes love is not enough. The power of what to do about this lies in your hands, but I'm afraid that sometimes we have to face that what we want just isn't going to happen. You can't get him to stand up for you and you certainly won't be able to keep him from spending a fair bit of time with his family with the baby if you have one.

You must definitely not bring a baby into this mess. Leave this marriage and meet someone else to start a family with.

OP I'm a child of a similar family dynamic. I'm sharing with you my experiences as it may give insight to what your potential future could look like.

My mother demanded of my father no contact with his family and he begrudgingly obliged. Apparently they are all awful people. I've only ever met them once.

It led to many many awful arguments between my parents which I got to witness, and throughout my childhood both parents taking me aside separately to tell me their side of the story.

As an adult I realise my dad's side of the family weren't perfect but my mum blew things way out of proportion because she didn't get things exactly her way, and I'm trying to build a relationship now with dad's side. I'm finding it very hard though and hold a lot of resentment for what I have lost because of her.

What my parents have had for the past 30+ years is a co-existence of mutual dislike because of the demands my mother has made. Even though my mother got her way, she's not happy. That's not a marriage.

My parents should never have had a child. My father should have left when my mother made these demands. My father could have found someone more better suited to him.

If you're not already pregnant then don't get pregnant. Leave the relationship and find someone on your wavelength.

The first few posts I read, I thought why on earth did you get pregnant with this man if this is the situation.

OP - you really would benefit from some individual counselling.

Your fixation on your in-laws being evil rather than any sort of introspection into your role
in the family conflict is not healthy.
You call ML a narcissist - but you are coming off not that much better yourself. With no self reflection whatsoever. Using a potential non-existent baby as a weapon in your power struggle with MIL; not seeing how selfish you sound, etc.

I find it really hard to believe that your multiple marriage counsellors were so one sided and just told your H to cut off his family to support you while not telling you to wonder what you can do to get along better.
It only took a posts from you here to see that there js a lot more to the story. And any professional should be able to spot this.

But in the end if the day - main issue here is that MIL didn’t like you confronting her about something. This led to apparent power struggle and now you don’t have much of a relationship with her. This does not have to lead to your ‘being isolated’. Most people’s human connections do not come from inlaws. You need to build healthier human connections with people around you - friends, colleagues, etc

Your dh does not have your back, you ve had lots of marriage counselling.. you are still feeling alone and unsupported..

This really isn't a relationship to bring a child into..
Having children can be stressful and a challenge to even the strongest relationship..
If you are always on the verge of breaking up then it is unlikely to be strong enough..babies are rarely sticking plasters for fractured relationships.... And become people who are badly impacted by the fractures in their parents relationships

Potentially you could continue in a relationship with your dh and not have dc ... But given the stress level you seem to be under with them .... And his lack of support..its always going to be a drama relationship which doesn't sound healthy...
Or you split up from your dh and am free of this strsss and drama..

You are entitled to your view of his family... And many families are like that....but if he is not going to change. only you can..

Maybe get some counselling for yourself to help you work out your path...

When people don't want to be outed they change minor details eg a 4 year old instead of a 3 year old. Or a girl instead of a boy. Or something like that that isn't really relevant. You made up a fictional baby and "contemplated" getting an abortion

And in the case of this OP - @Lacklusture - they went and started another thread with even some more details smoothed - attention/sympathy seeker as they are.
They need help - whoever they are.

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5048286-would-you-stay-in-marriage-if-dh-doesnt-get-your-back-with-his-his-family?postsby=MagicalLand

You shouldn't be getting pregnant in such an unstable relationship.

But if f that happens then you can't stop your DH facilitating a relationship with his child and his family. Unless he agrees to it.

As I started reading this thread, this was my thought too.

The problem is that your DH doesn't appear to have your back at all. Doesn't "see" the problem. He does see the problem. He just wants the path of least resistance. He wants an easy life and he's not used to standing up to his family.

This is what you both need counselling for. You are in a situation where its you v his entire family. and you are being backed into a corner because of this where you are thinking of taking extreme measures.

A lot of people on these threads have issues with the in laws. They solve them it seems to me by learning to be more assertive with the inlaws/ Speaking up for themselves instead of waiting for the DH/ talking to the DH to get them to see both points of view and asking for support/ or finally going LC/NC. It really depends how difficult your In Laws are... you have to decide how bad it really is as at the end of the day its better find an amicable solution if that is indeed possible... and that is usually by getting the DH to see that more support is needed.

If the BIL is consistently rude to you, DH needs to seriously take him to task, not sit there denying it ever happened.

However serious their behaviour is, this is really affecting your emotional health and its not good for either you or the baby, so please find RL help to deal with this. Your DH needs to realise how much this is affecting you. A professional person you could both talk to could give you both an insight into how to deal with this. Sorry you are going through this, I hope you both find a workable solution.

Sorry just read your update that you are not yet expecting. and that you have already had loads of counselling with your husband. This is clearly twisting you into knots. And that the whole DH family have excluded you. I still think that @GreekGod had the right advice, but you should see someone on your own to work through this.

As you are not yet pregnant I suggest stop ttc immediately.
Then you have choices:
Get counselling with your husband and come to agreement over his family where you totally agree on the contact you both and any future child have.
Or you stay with husband as is but don't have children.
Or you part and have children in the future.