No contact for kids with BIL and MIL

[Lacklusture]

So I am pregnant and have not been in contact with MIL and BIL (and his wife) for some time now. MIL is a hoirrible narcissist who ghosted her way out of my life; BIL and his wife made it quite clear to me that they see no reason to have a relationship with me and that their only concern was DH, him being the blood relative.

DH has always been solid in his family's corner; something that has been a source of pain, strife and depression in our marriage but we have resigned to it (I dont think he will change; he is just conditioned to not challenge them and to believe they're reasonable and well meaning no matter what happens in reality and I am the problem in his view). With the baby coming, I wish for our kid to have little to do with MIL and nothing to do with BIL. I understand that as grandma MIL has some rights to see the child and I want to allow her that; but it is going to be pretty minimal and on my terms (ie. in my/our baby's home). As for BIL, i couldn't care less if my baby didn't have such an uncle and i have no interest in entertaining him or any supposed right he has over our kid (and I think no loss if my kid(s) dont end up knowing any kids he has).

Now the question for mumsnetters - has anyone been in a similar situation, particularly with an unsupportive DH? What happened in your case? Did it result in the breakdown of your marriage or did your DH come to accept it?

Relationship with SIL has been strained but not as bad as with BIL; she has also taken a dislike to me (as a result of MIL's tactics) and rowed with me but she has made some effort to make peace/be civil with me after. FIL (divorced from MIL) has been stand-offish with me (as he is more concerned about his ex-wife and kids, which is fine) but the relationship between us is ok; not great but ok. So I dont feel i need to restrain contact for our kid when it comes to SIL and FIL; i think i will be more welcoming of them.

I am just wondering what the backlash from my blind and biased DH is going to be.....

Came onto say grandparents rights aren’t a thing op. Can only be even remotely considered if they have say been having the child live with them every weekend from birth and at the age of 4 you stop it. They have no rights.

But it sounds like you are very unsure about moving forward. Tell your DH you are considering leaving him due to his stance on his family and you need to discuss what will happen with your child. But you will have no control over who they see if you get pregnancy and then split up,

I was looking to hear from people in my situation who could tell me about how they cope. I think i have a very high sensitivty to being excluded/rejected. I feel awful how MIL meets only my husband .. she invites just him to tea, she drives over to a coffee shop down the road to meet him, etc as she isnt talking to me. I confronted her about complaining about me to DH and she stopped talking to me. BIL and SIL stopped talking to me because of the fall out with MIL; their partners stopped talking to me... i feel completely excluded... its horrible. I just want to know how to cope with this feeling. My own family live thousands of miles away so over 2-3 years I have lost this other family entirely... and i despair to think that when a baby comes, they will have that too.. and i will still be home alone.

Grandparents don’t have rights but if you split, it sounds like your husband would take the child straight to MIL and BIL’s houses.
Difficult people want what they can’t have so your MIL could demand lots of contact to spite you and drop lots of poison in your child’s ear. You won’t be able to stop your h from obliging as divorced dads can take their child wherever they deem safe and it sounds like he would do as they say.

None of that is a reason to prevent your partner from taking any child you might have, to visit his parents.

It's not ideal, but there is no apparent risk of abuse, no danger. You just feel left out and want to punish them.

@PampasGrass - I have talked about it. We have nearly broken up many times. He has packed his bags 2 - 3 times int he last couples of yours to break up with me over these issues with his family. At the moment, we have peace, only by never talking about it and i am completely cut out by the family (not invited to things and sometimes when invited, too awkward to go so i dont).

You're not "completely cut out" if you're sometimes invited but don't go

@saraclara - There is definitely abuse... anyone not toeing the line is shamed and cut out. Any child will meet the same fate. There is open shaming for anyone who displeases MIL - its awful, you have to sit there amongst adults and watch her rip people apart. Why would i want my child to experience that?!

@saraclara - when you havent spoken to someone for 2 years and everyone else in the group has also stopped talking to them.. and then you invite them to something as part of inviting the group on whatsapp... its clearly just politeness and the awkwardness is too much to actually go. You would do exactly the same in my place.

Why didn't you let him and his bags go?

I don't know what happened but... we have a situation like this in our extended family and it is definitely the fault of the person in your position.

She has really isolated her husband, is clearly controlling, and has behaved pretty badly.

I don't want to be offensive but when everyone is against you it is sometimes worth taking a step back and trying to figure out if they have a point.

I think you should not have children in this toxic relationship. Go and spend your life with people you like and who like you.

@mrsdineen2 - i dont know. I guess because in many ways he is a good guy and i didnt want to lose him. I begged him to stay; yielded to his demands (some of which were probably fair but many i think were not... ).

@Aria999 - do you know the other person's version? There are always 2 sides to a story. Btw, in my case, i actually dont have a problem with various people; I only had a problem with MIL but its their dysfunctional family dynamics that means they have to gang up against anyone who falls out with MIL. Imagine my DH once said in an argument "If i stand up against them, i will be cut out!!"...

You have considered leaving the country so they cannot see your child…

What have they done to make you hate them so much?

It sounds like there’s a certain level of jealousy and power-playing involved, perhaps on both sides

Are there some cultural issues here? Are you from different family backgrounds?

@Sceptical123 - I did not suggest leaving the country to cut contact with child.. i want to leave the country to get space and peace from the constant strife in my marriage because of in laws. If i had a supprotive husband, i think i can weather anything.. but with my DH unable to stand up to his family, i think getting some distance can be a good thing for peace!

@Fernand - Yes i am sure some of it is cultural issues; i am from a different background indeed. I am sure as well though, that some of it is also to do with MIL having Narcissistic personality disorder (I think) and the effect that has had on family dynamics over the years. Everyone is kind of scared of her.

Thank god you are not pregnant yet. Don’t bring a child into this mess now, it would get hurt by all the resentment you and your inlaws have towards each other. Don’t tie yourself to a family you don’t recieve/have any respect for, that would only make your life miserable.

If you want to stay together I would try to improve the relationship to mil and bil to a point where you can show basic respect to each other. Your mil may not like you and that hurts, but she clearly raised a lovely man who you chose to marry, she may be a loving grandma as well.

Realistically, I don’t think a marriage can happily survive something like this. Dh and I are NC with a family member of his and with my whole family. You 100% have to be on the same page. It doesn’t mean you have to want the same level of contact/relationship, but you have to make the decision jointly and you have to be supportive of each other.

I think our marriage would have broken down if Dh hadn’t (eventually) been on the same page as me. We went NC with 2 of his family members because one of them sexually abused a child and the other lied about it and covered it up. I made it very clear that going NC was non-negotiable. I wouldn’t have people like that in my or my children’s lives. Dh could be with us or he’d be without us and I’d move them as far away as I needed to to keep them safe. It was a really painful decision as he wanted to protect his family member who he felt was being manipulated and abused by this man. But he did understand why he needed to support me 100% and he did.

For a marriage and family life to be happy and successful, you have to support each other and protect each other. Anything less just isn’t going to work long term, though you might bumble along for a couple years.

OP, can't you see how mixed up your thinking is?

You're trying to conceive. But will refuse your DH permission to take the baby to his family. Rather than risk this, you talk about terminating the pregnancy (that doesn't yet exist).

You don't have contact with your MIL. Claim never to be invited. Other than the times you are invited. Which you then don't turn up to because it would be too awkward.

What do you want?

Your lovely husband who you see as being blinkered and unsupportive when it comes to his family?

Your MIL to accept you but you still won't go to family occasions?

To be have a child but only if DH agrees they can never know their grandparents?

Have you had solo counselling? It might help you work out what you want from life and what compromises you're prepared to make.

If your h hasn’t got your back, then he will pick MIL over your child if they ever disagree too (and they will disagree at some point )
He will end up begging your child to be like him and bend to MIL’s will even when he wouldn’t accept the same behaviour from a stranger.
MIL will probably badmouth you to your child and they probably tell you all of the nasty things that she says.
If you split then you’ll be left wondering if the child seeing MIL and what she has said this time. There will be nothing that you can do because dads and mums have equal rights.
Once the child is born, you will only be able to move countries if your ex gives you permission. What do you think MIL will tell him to do?

@Lacklusture Are you ready to see them every major holiday?
Imagine your baby's first birthday. And there they are.
First Christmas, Easter, School concert.....

Your response is to be Frank is absolutely awful. The op is clearly going thru something which isn't good and your main concern is to call her out as unhinged. The woman is telling you she's in turmoil!!! Have some sympathy. And why does her partner 'probably ' know best ?? The woman is telling you the inlaws could shit on her head and her partner sees no wrong in their behaviour and that's why she's so bloody scared. Don't try and brain wash the op into thinking she's unhinged. Dangerous way to speak to somebody who needs good advice and for someone to point her into a better direction.

OP, I feel for you. I can easily understand why you wrote as if you were already pregnant. But I am so relieved that you are not.

Your in-laws are very unlikely to change. If your husband won’t stand up to them, your future looks unhappy. Although grandparents etc don’t have legal rights to see your baby, your husband would have the right to allow visits.

Would you consider having a baby alone? That way the ILs are out of your life forever.

Best of luck. I know how horrific ILs can be.

This.
Plus surely it’s best to swallow a bit of pride, bite your tongue and just be civil with them. That way you can at least be present for any contact they have with the baby. If you risk your marriage your kid could live with them half the week. Pick your battles.

Having a child with your husband in this situation WILL ruin you. Do you think MIL will sit back and just have minimal contact? Nope, she will pile the pressure on your DH and in turn he will be awful to you for denying his family a normal relationship with his child. It would be a monumentally stupid thing to do and you would be doing it with your eyes wide open.
You have chosen to spend your life with a man who is open about the fact that his loyalty lies with his 'original?' family. Your choices are to plod along without children OR bring children into this shitshow and spend the next 18+ years fighting over them.
You need to start thinking about why you chose to stay with this man. Your life partner should be your number one cheerleader, supporter etc. It sounds like yours ain't too fussed.

Either come to an agreement with your husband before getting pregnant or break up now. Don't bring a child into this unresolved situation. If they are as bad as you claim, and if he will be as good as dad as you think he will be, then he'll want to protect his future children. Otherwise you shouldn't have children with him at all.