How to leave when he worships and relies on you ? Help !

[Loosingmymind24]

Background -

together 23 years married 12 3 school age children youngest 9. I have a million reasons to justify leaving such as he can’t keep stable employment I’ve financially had to step up the entire relationship ! Uses whatever spare money he has for cannabis, moods are all over the place sometimes calm happy and helpful others almost psychotic. The facts are I do not love him, barely like him and all I truly want in life is to be single forever and just be with my children.

My issue is he worships me, is far too reliant on me for everything. He knows I’m unhappy as I’m so depressed being in this marriage, so has taken to telling me every day how much he loves me how he would never cope without me and the children he can’t be at ease if I’m not there etc etc

The guilt is making me physically unwell, thinking I’m going to destroy him he’ll be devastated. Did anyone leave under these circumstances? I just feel I don’t have it in me to hurt him it’s such an unbearable situation to be in.

There is definitely no way back for me so counselling etc wouldn’t help I’m dead inside when it comes to him. All these years of taking the financial burden, the housework load, the mental load, being the lead carer for the children (he still classes being left alone as babysitting🙄). He brings nothing to my life zero help and if anything costs me money.

I have rabbled on but just desperate to hear anyone who has ended it when your husband is so reliant on you and claims to love you more than anything. I just feel so sad inside all the time and think how can I get out of this.

For context I don’t need anything from him no maintenance etc I can cover everything myself. House is rented as we sold our last one years ago and didn’t rebuy as I definitely didn’t want to be tied in that way to him. And there’s no other man I don’t actually ever want to be with another man ever again. I can’t bare the thought of being controlled ever again.

Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some encouraging stories !

Just tell him. What you will quickly find is that for all he needs you, he just needs a mother and he'll quickly find another one to replace you with.

Hes controlling you
Adoring and relying on you is a way of controlling you, thats all.
You say yourself he brings nothing to your life so remove him from it, as PP says he will probably find someone else to leech off financially and emotionally before long

Don't listen to what he says, but what he does. He is making no attempt to change his behaviour. Why would he? It's working for him. What do you want to do? Make a list on how you can achieve it and start the process. Please don't tell him what you are doing because he will ramp up the manipulation which is what he's doing already. And go.

You've put him first for years, he's had ample time and opportunity to change, it's time to put yourself and your children first (and yes it will be better for your children - he certainly doesn't put them first and this is giving them a really unhealthy view of relationships).

I do understand your feeling of guilt but he's an adult and needs to stand on his own two feet, and you need to get out there and enjoy life!

Well of course he relies on you. He's an unemployed stoner with no money and you're providing everything he needs. He doesn't actually "worship" you at all though. If he did he would respect you and would try to step up and be a better person.

I have nothing to say other than it sounds like he is a huge black cloud in your life and you would be a lot happier / less stressed without him around. Life is too short to live like this. Get out and be happy.

This. Sorry

Just leave his manipulative ar*e

All these years of taking the financial burden, the housework load, the mental load, being the lead carer for the children (he still classes being left alone as babysitting🙄). He brings nothing to my life zero help and if anything costs me money

So he's your 4th child, then.

He relies on you, yes - to subsidise his lazy-arsed lifestyle and drug-taking. Presumably he knows you well enough that his best bet to continue the status quo is to play on your guilt so you won't get rid of him; he doesn't worship or adore you at all, if he did he'd make a point of being less fucking useless.

I say just rip the plaster off. You say yourself there's no going back, just draw a line and don't waste any more of your one precious life bankrolling a workshy pothead.

Of course he can’t live without you. You’re his bank, mother, cook, cleaner, and childminder.

The first thing you need to do is the proverbial getting your ducks in a row. See a solicitor and find out where you stand financially in the event of a divorce.

How on earth is he showing you he worships you? Words are cheap and easy.

He doesn’t give a flying fuck if you’re devastated does he? Where’s his guilt? Do it and don’t look back.

I would try to sort out a proper plan to leave (including somewhere to stay) before you tell him, so that he can't continue to manipulate you / make your life difficult when you want to leave.

And you are free. All he has to say for the price of your employment is I love you and you roll over.

what does he actually bring to the table? Words? Get a radio.

Pack his bags and enjoy your new life. Just do it! Put yourself first.

Plan ahead, make sure you have your ducks in a row, including sorting out a place to stay. If you can move out quickly after telling him and the DC's, it will be so much better than having to be there with him while things get sorted.
Tbh, all sympathy is lost at him having the notion that looking after his own DC's is 'babysitting'. That clearly is unacceptable and would give any mother the ick.

I left a husband who claimed to adore me - he was a useless man child who brought nothing to the table - an alcoholic who refused to work and was abusive to me - ramping it up when I was pregnant and he thought I was then tied to him forever.

I'm so glad to be free of him, we have a wonderful life now that I'm no longer supporting him - financially, emotionally - in all ways.

I packed his bags and told him to leave. I'm very happy now

OP he's been exploiting you for years.

He is guilting you into keeping it going.

He does not love you in any way that is meaningful. Someone who loves properly would never drain the other person, Let them suffer, do nothing to contribute.

He loves you in his life because he is living off you. Not just financially, but emotionally, and practically. He is neither giving you money, labour, or emotional sustenance.

lLoving you is about sacrificing for you and thinking about your happiness, and being the best form of himself in order to make your life great and to deserve you. It should be a verb, not a disconnected feeling he claims to have, while being a shit partner.

He has had every chance to change. He never will. But he will keep you ganging on if he can, because HIS life (not yours) is better together. You have given enough (too much). Time to prioritise you at last.

It sounds like you have an enormous amount of guilt and feelings of responsibility for him. Has he made threats to harm himself if you leave? I also think you should rip the plaster off and make plans to leave asap. If you still feel responsible then you can still offer a bit of support (only if you want to) but this would be best done from a distance ie, your own place.

What are you envisaging the child care arrangements will be if you leave? It doesn't sound like he will want 50/50. Be prepared that he might become angry.

If he loved you, he'd provide something positive to your life, because he wanted to. He doesn't. The loves the ease of knowing he never has to be responsible for himself or the children because you are.

He doesn't worship you, he uses you! Kick the loser out.

Why does his love and worship mean more than your happiness?

If he threatens to harm himself when you leave, call the police/ambulance. Every time. He will soon stop.

You get one life. Now go live it!

Just turn around, walk out the door...

It doesn’t sound easy to me. He’s not going to be proactive finding himself a place. I actually don’t know what I would do.

My bil was basically like this with his gf. Just wouldn’t accept it was over, no ability to get anything done. She kept telling him she wanted better and he kept crying and begging. She’s now left with another bloke and he’s in the flat she’s still paying rent for a month or so later. Apparently he’s roped in some woman at work to fill in some housing benefit forms for him.

He says things like he’s depressed and that life without us wouldn’t be worth living. So I suppose there’s that worry as well.

With the children I’m happy to be as accommodating as possible. I don’t see him being able to afford even his own flat he’ll need to live with his mother. His mothers home is not suitable for my children and my children wouldn’t actively go there they’re very uncomfortable through there. His family aren’t great drinkers, smokers, drug takers, all unemployed, I sound petty there but my children haven’t been exposed to it so I know they’d not want to go there. So will try to sort something out whereby he could come see them here.

It’s just all such a minefield but I’d imagine when I get the guts I can just see this through and get myself feeling happy.

Thank you all of you for your replies, it’s definitely giving me a kick up the backside. I’m reading them all taking everything onboard.

It is a means of control and emotional abuse.
I’ve been in the situation, like many others I’m sure, if my now xH threatening suicide because of me leaving him. It’s horrendous. And truthfully men do follow through on their threats to harm themselves - rare compared to the number that threaten it but it does happen. But it js not your responsibility. All you can be is honest and kind and point him to his GP if he goes off the deep end.
you don’t have to live beholden to him.