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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to leave when he worships and relies on you ? Help !

77 replies

Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 12:09

Background -

together 23 years married 12 3 school age children youngest 9. I have a million reasons to justify leaving such as he can’t keep stable employment I’ve financially had to step up the entire relationship ! Uses whatever spare money he has for cannabis, moods are all over the place sometimes calm happy and helpful others almost psychotic. The facts are I do not love him, barely like him and all I truly want in life is to be single forever and just be with my children.

My issue is he worships me, is far too reliant on me for everything. He knows I’m unhappy as I’m so depressed being in this marriage, so has taken to telling me every day how much he loves me how he would never cope without me and the children he can’t be at ease if I’m not there etc etc

The guilt is making me physically unwell, thinking I’m going to destroy him he’ll be devastated. Did anyone leave under these circumstances? I just feel I don’t have it in me to hurt him it’s such an unbearable situation to be in.

There is definitely no way back for me so counselling etc wouldn’t help I’m dead inside when it comes to him. All these years of taking the financial burden, the housework load, the mental load, being the lead carer for the children (he still classes being left alone as babysitting🙄). He brings nothing to my life zero help and if anything costs me money.

I have rabbled on but just desperate to hear anyone who has ended it when your husband is so reliant on you and claims to love you more than anything. I just feel so sad inside all the time and think how can I get out of this.

For context I don’t need anything from him no maintenance etc I can cover everything myself. House is rented as we sold our last one years ago and didn’t rebuy as I definitely didn’t want to be tied in that way to him. And there’s no other man I don’t actually ever want to be with another man ever again. I can’t bare the thought of being controlled ever again.

Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some encouraging stories !

OP posts:
Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 17:47

EarthSight · 10/04/2024 17:25

There's two types that your husband could be. Either he really is a man-child who is unintentionally smothering you without fully comprehending all of this (which is a turn-off in itself as he's an adult, not a toddler), or he knows exactly what he's doing and he's learnt to be manipulative in a way that he knows works well with you. Maybe he's picked up that it works well in other situations as well in his life.

People assume that unpleasant people are all loud Trump types, but they aren't. Many are extremely charming and polite, and they get people to do things by pretending to be a lot more helpless than they actually are. They tend to shower people with compliments and thanks in a really over-the-top, sickly, false way.

Some of them have simply learnt from childhood to navigate the world in this way, and if they are more calculated and manipulative types, they will know who it works on - usually incredibly kind hearted, generous, competent women who are forced into the driving seat of their relationships against their will, doing most of the work and decision making, whilst the husband sits in the passenger seat. They know that if they assume the role of a baby, their wives will feel guilty, pity them, and never leave.

From the outside, people think that he's a doting, loving, kind husband, and the woman is some kind of dominant super-woman, whereas actually, she's been forced into that position because usually he's never given her an alternative.

It's called strategic incompetence. I don't think it's healthy for you to remain with someone you feel emotionally hostage to.

This is exactly it and very well written thank you 💗

OP posts:
GreekDogRescue · 10/04/2024 17:47

Don’t waste any more time on this calculating and incompetent cocklodger.
if you’re not around don’t worry, he will find another support woman in 5 minutes. Men are never on their own for long

blubberfuzz · 10/04/2024 17:52

I was worried that my ex would harm himself if I said I was leaving. I had counselling on my own before taking the plunge. I always remember they said that I should remember that his happiness is not my responsibility. Only he can make himself happy. Bizarrely my ex hooked up with someone else three months after I left. Seems he could cope after all!!

category12 · 10/04/2024 18:03

blubberfuzz · 10/04/2024 17:52

I was worried that my ex would harm himself if I said I was leaving. I had counselling on my own before taking the plunge. I always remember they said that I should remember that his happiness is not my responsibility. Only he can make himself happy. Bizarrely my ex hooked up with someone else three months after I left. Seems he could cope after all!!

That's the thing, they generally do quickly move on to the next person once the current one wises up.

TheCatterall · 10/04/2024 18:11

But he doesn’t worship you does he @Loosingmymind24 - if he worshipped you he’d try harder. He’d get help. He’d step up.

He doesn’t worship you. He spouts empty words to bind you.

You are meant to be an equal partner. You aren’t. You are his carer. His social worker. You are enabling his attitude (through no fault of your own) and lazy lifestyle.

Tell him it’s over. There is nothing he can do to change your mind- but he can step up and coparent your children as a responsible adult.

be really clear on this with him. Don’t be wishy washy on the finality of this in some attempt to soften the blow as it will drag it out for you both.

If he uses the oft used threat of suicide - tell him if he makes such statements you will be left with no choice but to inform the police as he’s a risk to himself and possibly others. Such threats are generally a last desperate attempt to emotionally blackmail you into staying.

BMW6 · 10/04/2024 18:11

OP you are being held hostage with emotional blackmail.

Get yourself and your kids away from the useless lump. He doesn't really care about you - or his children. He only truly cares fir himself.

If you get away and he does top himself that's his choice. Still not your responsibility or your fault. I very much doubt he would - most likely he'll find someone else to mooch off.

Your children - and you - deserve so much better than him.

GingerIsBest · 10/04/2024 18:17

OP, you should look up covert narcissism or vulnerable covert narcissism. This is preetty classic behaviour from those types of personalities.

A big risk you have of course is that he is likely to experience a complete collapse when you properly end it. And of course you will feel responsible for him. And you can tell us and people in real life that you've told him 5000 x that you need him to step up, to stop being so incompetent, to earn money OR parent OR do household tasks but he hasn't done any of them and we will all understand. But he will not.

Because the disordered thinking of someone like this means they think they are the victim. They aren't purposefully lying to you when they tell you that they can't do x or y, because they truly believe they can't do it.

The behaviour is controlling and manipulative. It doesn't sound like he uses the anger/sulking behaviour on you (although definitely the complaining/threatening suicide type behaviour) but be prepared for that to start the moment you actually take steps to end it. He will accuse you of all sorts of things. And i twill be hard because part of you will wonder if he is right. Did you do enough? Are you being fair.

Before it all starts, write down the reasons why. Write down the many times you've asked him to step up, to change. Write down why you feel frustrated. Write down the many ways you have compromised or accepted less than you wanted.

Because then, when he turns on you, you can go back to that list and remind yourself.

Good luck. It won't be easy but you should do it.

Dweetfidilove · 10/04/2024 18:38

You leave him.

I would need and worship you too if you enabled my life of fecklessness.

duende · 10/04/2024 18:43

GingerIsBest · 10/04/2024 18:17

OP, you should look up covert narcissism or vulnerable covert narcissism. This is preetty classic behaviour from those types of personalities.

A big risk you have of course is that he is likely to experience a complete collapse when you properly end it. And of course you will feel responsible for him. And you can tell us and people in real life that you've told him 5000 x that you need him to step up, to stop being so incompetent, to earn money OR parent OR do household tasks but he hasn't done any of them and we will all understand. But he will not.

Because the disordered thinking of someone like this means they think they are the victim. They aren't purposefully lying to you when they tell you that they can't do x or y, because they truly believe they can't do it.

The behaviour is controlling and manipulative. It doesn't sound like he uses the anger/sulking behaviour on you (although definitely the complaining/threatening suicide type behaviour) but be prepared for that to start the moment you actually take steps to end it. He will accuse you of all sorts of things. And i twill be hard because part of you will wonder if he is right. Did you do enough? Are you being fair.

Before it all starts, write down the reasons why. Write down the many times you've asked him to step up, to change. Write down why you feel frustrated. Write down the many ways you have compromised or accepted less than you wanted.

Because then, when he turns on you, you can go back to that list and remind yourself.

Good luck. It won't be easy but you should do it.

Without wanting to derail the op’s thread, I am 3 months after finishing a LTR with a covert narcissist and his behavior is exactly like you describe, @GingerIsBest :(

every message from him causes an adrenaline rush and a knot in my stomach.

I can recognise what he is doing, but would love some tips on how to protect myself, how to deal with it. I know not to get pulled into the emotional blackmail, the accusations, the blaming. What else? I cannot block him unfortunately as we have kids.

WyrdyGrob · 10/04/2024 18:57

My mate had one of these. She agonised for bloody YEARS about binning him off, how much he (said he) loved her, even though he was an unemployed stoner (sorry, ermmm musician about to make it big. No really. Honestly )

she finally gave him the heave ho after a particularly stressful week at work having come home every night to him entertaining pisshead mates and asking what’s for tea.

three fucking weeks

thats all it took hin to get over their 10 year marriage and shack up rent free with some other poor woman.

my mate was bloody furious.

Moidershewrote · 10/04/2024 18:59

He’s a parasite and will continue to feed off you until you unlatch him from you. Only then will he move on and look for his next host. That’s quite literally the bottom line.

Every hour you stay with him is another hour lost of your happier future.

Guilt isn’t going to help you, it only helps him. Why does he deserve that? Why is that your responsibility.

What happened in your life that made you feel responsible for people (adults) when you’re not?

Echobelly · 10/04/2024 19:06

If he really adored you he'd make your life easier not harder, or at least try. But he doesn't try. As others have said, sad to say he'll probably find another caregiver to 'adore' him. You deserve better than this.

Uricon2 · 10/04/2024 19:13

People like your husband are very, very good at protecting themselves. They have so much practice and time as they aren't thinking about anybody else or doing anything meaningful. They are the centre of their own worlds and nobody else comes close. It suits them to talk the talk about worship, undying love etc etc because when it works, there is a big payoff for virtually no effort and they can continue in their selfish, comfy existence. What does he actually DO to make your life easier or you feel as if you are part of a real partnership?

As others have said, I imagine you will be surprised by how well he copes when the initial woe is me is over, he realises you are serious and that he needs to find someone else to leech off.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 19:17

Moidershewrote · 10/04/2024 18:59

He’s a parasite and will continue to feed off you until you unlatch him from you. Only then will he move on and look for his next host. That’s quite literally the bottom line.

Every hour you stay with him is another hour lost of your happier future.

Guilt isn’t going to help you, it only helps him. Why does he deserve that? Why is that your responsibility.

What happened in your life that made you feel responsible for people (adults) when you’re not?

I had a terrible childhood escaped at 16 looked after myself since then snd met him within months of that. I think that’s why I’m such a people pleaser. I just put up with everything. But somethings switched in me where I think no I deserve to feel happy and deserve better than this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 19:19

GingerIsBest · 10/04/2024 18:17

OP, you should look up covert narcissism or vulnerable covert narcissism. This is preetty classic behaviour from those types of personalities.

A big risk you have of course is that he is likely to experience a complete collapse when you properly end it. And of course you will feel responsible for him. And you can tell us and people in real life that you've told him 5000 x that you need him to step up, to stop being so incompetent, to earn money OR parent OR do household tasks but he hasn't done any of them and we will all understand. But he will not.

Because the disordered thinking of someone like this means they think they are the victim. They aren't purposefully lying to you when they tell you that they can't do x or y, because they truly believe they can't do it.

The behaviour is controlling and manipulative. It doesn't sound like he uses the anger/sulking behaviour on you (although definitely the complaining/threatening suicide type behaviour) but be prepared for that to start the moment you actually take steps to end it. He will accuse you of all sorts of things. And i twill be hard because part of you will wonder if he is right. Did you do enough? Are you being fair.

Before it all starts, write down the reasons why. Write down the many times you've asked him to step up, to change. Write down why you feel frustrated. Write down the many ways you have compromised or accepted less than you wanted.

Because then, when he turns on you, you can go back to that list and remind yourself.

Good luck. It won't be easy but you should do it.

This seems to perfectly sum my situation up. It’s all just a minefield, but I’m feeling stronger every day, I just utterly hate causing anyone any form of upset. But this isn’t going to be a life especially when I feel like this. Thanks for this 💗

OP posts:
TeaMistress · 10/04/2024 19:25

He doesn't drive and refuses to learn to. He doesn't work and refuses to get a job. He abuses drugs to the point where is psychotic. He's a feckless lazy drug addicted loser. You end up doing all of the childcare and probably all the cooking, cleaning and housework too. You pay for everything....he's literally a leech sucking the life out of you. You and your children deserve so much better than him. I echo another poster..would finding a lovely new home for yourself and the kids make it easier to leave him. Is there somewhere you could move closer to family for more support. If you sold your last house, can you get the ball rolling on a divorce and buy somewhere new for just you and the children.

Treacletoots · 10/04/2024 19:27

I had one of these. Lazy, treated me like I was his bloody mother. When I kicked him out he tried the "I can't live without you" nonsense for a couple of months but then he realised I wasn't backing down.

It's now been 13 years of freedom. I stayed single until I met someone who was a decent partner, and could not be happier.

You only get one life. Don't let this parasite ruin yours.

3luckystars · 10/04/2024 19:30

Get some support for your self, you can do it!

pecanpie101 · 10/04/2024 20:57

Your life will be so much better once you are away from him. Show your children what sort of relationship is a good one.

Good luck op, you are stronger than you realise Daffodil

Bananalanacake · 10/04/2024 22:03

Did he work when you got together and gave up to leach off you. Don't give it months, find a place then tell your landlord

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 22:11

Bananalanacake · 10/04/2024 22:03

Did he work when you got together and gave up to leach off you. Don't give it months, find a place then tell your landlord

He worked but was self employed so worked when he felt like it. He then was fully unemployed for around 9 years. Then most recently he has been more consistent the last 4 years but again lots of time off constant days off. But now been unemployed for months again. I’m just utterly sick of paying for everything, it’s only luck everything’s been ok as I earn well and have always been able to cover everything.

OP posts:
0sm0nthus · 10/04/2024 22:25

The only way he will get himself together & stand on his own feet is if he has to. Ultimately you will be doing him a favour if you leave him, he wont find the motivation unless he has to. If he's with you he will never realise his own potential in life.
It's a very hard thing to do OP, but you are strong, you can do it.

kinkyredboots · 10/04/2024 22:35

Do it quickly but remember despite all this 'so has taken to telling me every day how much he loves me how he would never cope without me and the children he can’t be at ease if I’m not there etc etc' he does not love you enough to hold down a job, give up cannabis, be an active father to his children etc.

He is a leech and knows it. He is just guilt tripping you to keep funding the life to which he has become accustomed. He knows he is on thin ice but rather than pull his finger out he is guilt tripping you instead.

He won't cope without you as he currently lives - you are funding and almost enabling his chosen lifestyle. His life will get more uncomfortable but that is his choice for not being an active partner in this relationship.

ChampagneNightmares · 10/04/2024 22:39

@Loosingmymind24 Look up codependency in relationships! This is what your relationship is!

Guest2023 · 10/04/2024 22:44

I ended a relationship with a man just like this 6 months ago. Best thing I have ever done. After 14 years of trying to get him to play an active role in our family, learn to drive, get a career, be an equal financially and be a partner instead of another child, I physically could not bear to be near him.

Of course he believed he was the victim and that I didn't try (years of counselling and anti depressants say otherwise), he begged, he cried told me how he couldn't live without me. Our kids were devastated and the guilt was immense.

However it was the right decision, I am so much happier , the kids are happy and me and the ex are amicable.

Did he change? Of course not! He is back living with his Mum who now enables his learnt helplessness. And the reality is people like this will never change and they will never leave you even if no one is happy because you/we make their life easier.

You can do this and I promise the relief will outweigh any guilt or responsibility you feel for him.