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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How to leave when he worships and relies on you ? Help !

77 replies

Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 12:09

Background -

together 23 years married 12 3 school age children youngest 9. I have a million reasons to justify leaving such as he can’t keep stable employment I’ve financially had to step up the entire relationship ! Uses whatever spare money he has for cannabis, moods are all over the place sometimes calm happy and helpful others almost psychotic. The facts are I do not love him, barely like him and all I truly want in life is to be single forever and just be with my children.

My issue is he worships me, is far too reliant on me for everything. He knows I’m unhappy as I’m so depressed being in this marriage, so has taken to telling me every day how much he loves me how he would never cope without me and the children he can’t be at ease if I’m not there etc etc

The guilt is making me physically unwell, thinking I’m going to destroy him he’ll be devastated. Did anyone leave under these circumstances? I just feel I don’t have it in me to hurt him it’s such an unbearable situation to be in.

There is definitely no way back for me so counselling etc wouldn’t help I’m dead inside when it comes to him. All these years of taking the financial burden, the housework load, the mental load, being the lead carer for the children (he still classes being left alone as babysitting🙄). He brings nothing to my life zero help and if anything costs me money.

I have rabbled on but just desperate to hear anyone who has ended it when your husband is so reliant on you and claims to love you more than anything. I just feel so sad inside all the time and think how can I get out of this.

For context I don’t need anything from him no maintenance etc I can cover everything myself. House is rented as we sold our last one years ago and didn’t rebuy as I definitely didn’t want to be tied in that way to him. And there’s no other man I don’t actually ever want to be with another man ever again. I can’t bare the thought of being controlled ever again.

Thanks for reading and I hope I can get some encouraging stories !

OP posts:
ClemmyTine · 10/04/2024 13:17

My husband was the same as yours ( without the smoking) he was devastated when I told him I was leaving. I think he still loves me now, 10 years after splitting up.
I think I would have lost my mind if I'd stayed any longer.
I don't regret leaving but I was probably cruel in the telling him. I just blurted out that I'd had enough, there was no discussion. I could have been kinder.

Desmondo2021 · 10/04/2024 13:22

Many many years ago I was where you are.i now realise the easiest kindest thing to do is just do it. Don't wait for a right time as there won't be one. Don't waste any more of your life. Do it with your head held high, your morals in place and your resolve strong. Don't do what I did and wait til you fall in love with someone else and get caught out having the affair and all the toxicity that followed. There will never be an easier time to do it so don't waste any more of your life waiting for that time. Tell yourself it's one hard conversation. Very hard, but that's all it is. One conversation and don't think beyond that, the rest will follow.

VeryQuaintIrene · 10/04/2024 13:26

Joining the chorus here. He knew what to do if he wanted to keep you because you told him often. He's choosing not to do it.

TeaMistress · 10/04/2024 13:26

You don't have to live like this OP. He's a drug addicted unemployed millstone around your neck. For your sake and that of your children put an end to this marriage. You have one life. Please don't waste a second more on this leech. See a solicitor and get the ball rolling on a divorce.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 13:26

Desmondo2021 · 10/04/2024 13:22

Many many years ago I was where you are.i now realise the easiest kindest thing to do is just do it. Don't wait for a right time as there won't be one. Don't waste any more of your life. Do it with your head held high, your morals in place and your resolve strong. Don't do what I did and wait til you fall in love with someone else and get caught out having the affair and all the toxicity that followed. There will never be an easier time to do it so don't waste any more of your life waiting for that time. Tell yourself it's one hard conversation. Very hard, but that's all it is. One conversation and don't think beyond that, the rest will follow.

Thank you, that’s what I need to remind myself of one hard conversation. I want to do it in the next few months, so i’m going to slowly build myself up to tell him.

OP posts:
FinallyHere · 10/04/2024 13:36

that life without us wouldn’t be worth living. So I suppose there’s that worry as well.

Phone 999 and report a potential suicide. It's not for you to manage that kind of situation nor for him to use the threat to manipulate you.

It's always a lot easier to see this sort of behaviour from outside. Send him back to his original mother.

Do it for your D.C., if not for yourself.

Cantalever · 10/04/2024 13:43

Its hard OP, but does he really love you? Wouldn't he care about your unhappiness and do everything he could to address it? Is he actually incapable of doing anything to improve things for you even if he wanted to, or is he as everyone says just a lazy pothead who can't be arsed? If you can make a judgement on that, it should be easier for you to decide how to end it.

alladvicegratefullyappreciated · 10/04/2024 13:43

OP I really understand and my heart goes out to you. You’re obviously a lovely kind thoughtful person … but now you need to look after yourself so you can look after your children. Many years ago I was in a similar situation (no kids though) and felt I couldn’t leave, eventually I did several years later but by then I had put so much guilt on myself that I became quite seriously ill (mental rather than physical). Please look after yourself xx

LifeExperience · 10/04/2024 13:55

If he really worshiped and relied on you he'd get stable employment. The fact he can't be bothered should tell you everything you need to know. Words mean nothing. Love is a verb, and he can't be arsed.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 14:05

LifeExperience · 10/04/2024 13:55

If he really worshiped and relied on you he'd get stable employment. The fact he can't be bothered should tell you everything you need to know. Words mean nothing. Love is a verb, and he can't be arsed.

This is what I need to remind myself of, he won’t learn to drive and won’t do things to get a stable job. And this isn’t fair anymore.

OP posts:
TroutRunner · 10/04/2024 14:08

You’re not his mum.
If he worshipped you he would have some consideration for your needs, and those of his children.
He sounds like a manchild loser and you would be better off without him!

0sm0nthus · 10/04/2024 14:08

BananaLambo · 10/04/2024 12:25

Of course he can’t live without you. You’re his bank, mother, cook, cleaner, and childminder.

The first thing you need to do is the proverbial getting your ducks in a row. See a solicitor and find out where you stand financially in the event of a divorce.

This
He has turned himself into a big stoned jellyfish blob of a person.
His only strategy is to land on you and weigh you down completely so that you can't move or get away from him.

BlancheSaysYes · 10/04/2024 14:09

Make plans to separate and do it. Don’t allow this man to control you anymore. You deserve peace, comfort and happiness in life. So do your children. Leave him. Please. This time next year you’ll be so glad you did.

DisforDarkChocolate · 10/04/2024 14:10

He can tell you want to leave and is doing this on purpose.

5128gap · 10/04/2024 15:14

You have to decide once and for all whether he is more important to you than you are, and whether the fact that you can keep him a few inches above rock bottom is worth sacrificing your own happiness for. Because, realistically, that's all you're doing, isn't it? Your presence isn't turning him into a happy, productive satisfied member of society is it? His issues are still there and will be with or without you. You sound like you've given this your absolute best shot and have nothing more to give, and that's fine. Many people in your shoes find that their absence makes as little appreciable difference to the person they were propping up as their presence did. They plod on much the same as before or find another support (enabler) Go, without guilt, and enjoy the rest of your life.

Epidote · 10/04/2024 15:21

He doesn't worship you, he is using you.
Leave before he truly suck your last drop of energy.
Be blunt, factual and remorseless.

GettingtheElectric · 10/04/2024 15:21

5128gap · 10/04/2024 15:14

You have to decide once and for all whether he is more important to you than you are, and whether the fact that you can keep him a few inches above rock bottom is worth sacrificing your own happiness for. Because, realistically, that's all you're doing, isn't it? Your presence isn't turning him into a happy, productive satisfied member of society is it? His issues are still there and will be with or without you. You sound like you've given this your absolute best shot and have nothing more to give, and that's fine. Many people in your shoes find that their absence makes as little appreciable difference to the person they were propping up as their presence did. They plod on much the same as before or find another support (enabler) Go, without guilt, and enjoy the rest of your life.

This. Prioritise yourself.

financialcareerstuff · 10/04/2024 15:22

You know OP, it may be useful also to think it may not even be awful for him. In fact, you may be absolutely infuriated to see him get off his arse, finally get a job, and learn to drive, flourish and who knows, even find himself a girlfriend. He can't genuinely be happy the way he is either. But he's proved he won't change with you. And that's all that matters.

You've got yourself stuck in a dynamic which is utterly shit for you, whether he stays the way he is or grows up after you leave is on him.

Original poster
Loosingmymind24 · 10/04/2024 15:54

Thank you everyone ! You’re right I need to pull myself together and sort this out over the next few months.

OP posts:
PineappleTime · 10/04/2024 17:05

He doesn't worship you. He depends on you. He's not your child and you're not obligated to be his reason for existing. If he worshipped you he would be a better partner!

IvorTheEngineDriver · 10/04/2024 17:05

He's playing you like a fish on a line. Cut it.

TwinklyRoseTurtle · 10/04/2024 17:20

What I would do OP because I imagine he won’t leave is give notice on your rented house and find somewhere for you and kids, don’t tell ex where new home is but also give him notice, fresh start for all then xx

EarthSight · 10/04/2024 17:25

There's two types that your husband could be. Either he really is a man-child who is unintentionally smothering you without fully comprehending all of this (which is a turn-off in itself as he's an adult, not a toddler), or he knows exactly what he's doing and he's learnt to be manipulative in a way that he knows works well with you. Maybe he's picked up that it works well in other situations as well in his life.

People assume that unpleasant people are all loud Trump types, but they aren't. Many are extremely charming and polite, and they get people to do things by pretending to be a lot more helpless than they actually are. They tend to shower people with compliments and thanks in a really over-the-top, sickly, false way.

Some of them have simply learnt from childhood to navigate the world in this way, and if they are more calculated and manipulative types, they will know who it works on - usually incredibly kind hearted, generous, competent women who are forced into the driving seat of their relationships against their will, doing most of the work and decision making, whilst the husband sits in the passenger seat. They know that if they assume the role of a baby, their wives will feel guilty, pity them, and never leave.

From the outside, people think that he's a doting, loving, kind husband, and the woman is some kind of dominant super-woman, whereas actually, she's been forced into that position because usually he's never given her an alternative.

It's called strategic incompetence. I don't think it's healthy for you to remain with someone you feel emotionally hostage to.

0sm0nthus · 10/04/2024 17:39

Great post @EarthSight 👏

SuncreamAndIceCream · 10/04/2024 17:46

He's abusive and controlling.

He doesn't worship you, if he did he would be the model husband because he would want to do the best he could for you, your children and himself.

As he is very far from a model husband you can safely assume that his protestations of worship, depression etc, are just words, and designed to keep you in your place.

Get a shark of a divorce lawyer and free yourself from this dead weight. He won't want 50/50 but I bet my bank account he will threaten it. He can barely bother himself to look after them now, when you're around to support.