Ex coming to talk to me today but

[Nothingsurprisesmeanymoree]

I’ll try not to make this a long one. Me and my ex broke up last year. Well he walked out after Christmas leaving me with two kids and no closure. We were together ten years and it was honestly the hardest thing I have ever been through as I didn’t see it coming and he acted so cold towards me and never gave me a talk face to face. He gaslight me over another woman and when left admitted he had cheated a year before. He wants to talk tonight in person but has also told me he talks to the OW but it’s not like that. I need to stay strong as it must be exactly ‘ like’ that.

Don’t go there, it’s over. Any talk should be about the children only and over email/text. Let him go OP. He’s no good.

Do not put yourself through this. As pp said you talk via email & text ONLY.

He wants to talk as he has found since leaving you with NO explanation the grass is not greener.

Text him now and say - I have other plans later, do not want to meet up. I have decided we will from now going forward communicate via email & text.

Don't let him mess with your head. Good luck

No no no. Don’t give him another minute of your time. Text or email is the only way to go. You don’t need to be ‘exactly like that’. You
need to be exactly like yourself. He’s a loser that still wants control. Don’t give it to him.

Absolutely not
Unless it's to talk about the children or selling houses etc then don't engage

Only talk to him about the kids by phone/message it's a bit late now isn't it to discuss the relationship ending, sounds like it didn't work out with ow and he wants to see if you would take him back. He doesn't talk to her like that? Does he think you were born yesterday, what a loser.

Absolutely not, tell him to do one. He had his chance to talk to you like a grown up and chose not to, he doesn't get to just swan back into your life now and try and explain himself.

He can get to fuck unless it's about the kids.

I'm willing to bet 50p that he's just been kicked out by the OW, so he's coming to say that he's decided so very generously to let you take him back.

His OW has binned him and he’s come to realise that a knee trembler at the photocopier is not as good as getting your pants washed and dinners made. Therefore he has graciously decided to bestow his presence upon you once again. Be prepared for tears, guilt tripping (but think of the kids, Sandra), and declarations of undying love. I can almost hear the collective eye roll of the Mumsnet Vipers. We’ve been there, done that, and got the frilly blouse to prove it. You deserve better than this low grade man.

OR

He wants to sell the house/stop paying maintenance/tell you the OW is pregnant/he’s getting married.

Forewarned is forearmed and all that. Go into that meeting with your own agenda and know what you want to get out of it. Write it down in advance so it’s clear in your head. Write out the words you want to say, to crystalise them, and make it real. You’re in charge now, not him.

You need to find out what it's about before agreeing.

If it's about the DC or about reaching a financial settlement then it might be worth having F-2-F conversations, but (probably) only after laying the groundwork by email.

If it's not about admin, then there's no need to have any contact with him at all.

Don't seek "closure" from him. It's something you get yourself from within, not dependent on him at all.

DONT DO IT!!!

I had this happen to me exactly how you have said it on here my ex husband who I was with for over 8 years married 6 months, cheated on me done exactly what your ex did gas lighted me and made me feel like I was crazy never spoke to me about what was wrong started acting weird and in the end I found out he had cheated on me he left me with 3 children and I was in such a bad place mentally and emotionally it was the hardest thing I have ever been through and I was soo low and depressed it took me two years to get myself back to how I was well kind off as I've never been the same a such since that happened and he decided last year he wanted me too meet him and talk with him and said he felt I deserved closure so I did stupidly I went and met him and he came at me with he regrets it all he don't know why he did he he's sorry he wishes he could go back blah blah and he's not as happy as he was with me basically the grass isn't greener 🙄 which we all know it isn't! When I left I felt a little better but it fucked with me head for a while because old feelings come back and I kept thinking you destroyed me as a person and our family for what? Soo in reality it didn't really answer anything for me because what was done is done. 🤷🏼‍♀️

You've healed hun and you don't need to drag all that shit back up. Tell him from now on you speak only about the kids if it's not about them you are not interested you do not need closure he's an absolute wanker for putting you through what he did and you deserve better and are worth soo much more than that! He made his bed let him lay in it! The relationship ended and you do not need him all that matters is he sees and pays for his children 😊

Nope. Don't do it. End of story.

Thank you everyone. I booked an emergency therapy session today and hashed things out with my therapist. I recently stopped as thought I was over it all. It’s been strange he has started to be really nice to me, keeps putting large sums of money into my account and will cut the grass when I’m not about. It’s all strange, will tell me how good I look. He left me for a woman 20 years older and now he’s already devaluing her by telling me how beautiful I am in comparison what a joke. So to know he just carried on with this married woman at work who by the way he hasn’t worked with for a year just speaks volumes. I was abandoned at home with our children crying myself to sleep whilst the OW was telling him how he was doing the right thing no doubt and how amazing he is. I know I need to prepare myself mentally for my kids being around her. She’s super rich think giant outside pools and expensive sports cars. She always wanted daughters has 5 sons and has been trying to get our young daughters round hers from day one lol god this hurts and such a clique.

You don’t need to talk to him, you don’t need his excuses or his explanations anymore. He lies - he manipulates and gaslights , so any chat with him will just be drama and nonsense - don’t waste anymore time on this loser.

I wonder 🤔 if his new relationship isn't quite what he expected to pan out, he thought the grass was a bit or lot greener and the reality has revealed this just isn't the case,

His relationship isn't as or quite exciting anymore now it's not illict as its gradually turned into a bit or a lot of slippers and cosyiness type.

She isn't acting like a mistress ect more like co habiting wife relationship

Hence need to have a chat with you to see gunge how needy you are to talk 👄 connect with as an ego boost on his part or something as he is also a bit bored a welcome distraction from that in his relationship with her probably just a bit curious too.

Tell him that he has put you and his children through enough and it stops, now.
He made his choice, put you through hell, FUCK. HIM.
If he had one decent fatherly bone in his body he will keep his daughters away from her. It wouldn't be fair to take them there if he is unsure of her himself. He's done enough damage.
Stay strong.

Jeez do t talk to him for God's sake. The only time my exH wNtes to talk to me was when he wNted something either money or wanted to come back. He didn't care about me or DS it was all about him. He shouldn't be cutting your grass or coming over at all.

He wants something Op, the money, the lawn mowing, the little chats, he wants something. Your job is to work out what it is. I'd have that f2f chat but don't show your feelings and don't say a lot, let him do the talking, whatever he's after will soon come up. Please don't assume he's looking to come back, that will just hurt you more.

He might even want custody of your kids. Don't give him the chance.

I agree with pp, he wants something from you. You don't have to do what he says.

If you do decide meet him, let him do the talking, don't show your feelings and don't agree to anything. Once you find out what he wants, tell him you will think it over and get back to him.

Whatever it is he wants, don't agree to anything at the meeting. Have a prepared phrase ready like "I will need to think about what you've said, I'm not making any decisions today. I'll email you when I've decided." As pp have said, he might be coming to tell you anything like new baby, engagement etc, or he might be wanting to reconcile orask for something. Stay strong, don't be blindsided, and don't be forced into agreeing anything. Maybe also have an assertive exit phrase prepared too, in case you want him to leave before he's ready e.g. "thank you for coming to tell me this, we'll have to finish/ continue this discussion once I've had time to think it over" and stand and show him the door.

How have you been communicating re DC up to now? I’d say either message to say you are not available and if it’s about DC to let you know OR if you feel you need to meet ( he says it’s about money etc) say you will meet somewhere neutral ie cafe.
Do you want him back ? If so have a real think about what YOU want not what he will be offering which might be to come home coz he nowhere else to go.

Thank you. He’s honestly all over the place since he left he’s now got covered in tattoos literally all over his hands like a cry for help. He was saying how he talks to her and it’s good for him basically but stays up at night wondering if he’s made a mistake and that when he sees me now his feelings have changed. All mixed in with needing to discuss the house and legal things. All I know is he is completely self serving and a pathological liar who just changes the narrative to suit his needs and feelings. It wont be full custody as his mum has them on the weekends and he doesn’t do any school pick ups and works Saturdays. In court if it went that far he literally can’t look after our children full time. I do all the school days and at the moment his parents pick them up Friday after school and have them weekends then I get them back Monday after School.

It’s either not working out with the OW or it’s already over.

So he’s playing nice to get you all soft towards him then he’ll make his love declaration during his “talk” that he still loves you, has never stopped loving you, made a mistake etc etc.

At which point I really hope you will calmly tell him to sling his hook. Actually I wouldn’t even bother allowing him to have his talk with you, I’d just tell him no and that anything to do with the kids can be discussed by text.

Ive seen this play out so many times in RL - the grass often isnt greener and so they weasel their way back into the family home - and the wife who has been doing quite well and making progress with moving on just lets it happen because she is still confused about her feelings for him. Also they often guilt trip the woman into “not breaking up a family”. Just remember that HE is the one who broke up his family and took the piss out of his wife and their marriage.

Don’t do it OP. Don’t go backwards.

when he left he actually blocked me for a few months so it was emails. He blocked my number too for a while. It really was hard having your partner and best friend cut you off like that but now I see why and I don’t even recognise the man he is now. A small part of me wants to hear him regret it all I know that’s my ego talking but being discarded the way I was just ruined me for a long time. I know bottom line there is no reality in which he becomes a better person and partner. If he was to come back what I would just have to put up with him having a woman on the side nah I’m good thanks. 😂

Don't do it.
Just remember the way he left you and made you feel, and at Christmas too! People who love you don't do that to you.
You're doing great, and you've been so strong. You don't owe him anything at all. Don't let him mess with your head or question yourself.