Ex coming to talk to me today but

[Nothingsurprisesmeanymoree]

I’ll try not to make this a long one. Me and my ex broke up last year. Well he walked out after Christmas leaving me with two kids and no closure. We were together ten years and it was honestly the hardest thing I have ever been through as I didn’t see it coming and he acted so cold towards me and never gave me a talk face to face. He gaslight me over another woman and when left admitted he had cheated a year before. He wants to talk tonight in person but has also told me he talks to the OW but it’s not like that. I need to stay strong as it must be exactly ‘ like’ that.

Take control. Let him tomorrow isn’t suitable and give him two options.

I'd tell him you're not around at 9am tomorrow and leave it at that.
If he comes back with more times/days, I'd ask if there is an issue with the children. If not, just ignore him. I'd keep thing strictly about the kids from now on.

He’s prioritised himself over you, has wrongly assumed you’re available and willing to see him.
You are now in control of when/if he speaks to you F2F. Use your power wisely and employ the advice given above.

Tbh OP, I wouldn't even respond to him. Just be out for the morning with the children.

Thank you for all your messages it really helps put things into perspective. He left last year and is ten mins down the road yet it’s too much of an effort for him. He wants to do it in the morning I imagine so he if drops anymore truth Bomb’s on me he can go off to work straight after. The word audacity comes to mind lol honestly where do men get it. Blows my mind the destruction they leave behind themselves.

I know this isn’t the point of your thread, but be careful setting up an expectation that you never have a weekend with your children.

You shouldn’t be doing all the school day drudgery and getting none of the weekend fun downtime.

Especially with grandparents. Grandparents who have played a strong part in a child’s upbringing can apply to the courts for permission to apply for access rights (the grandparents rights so many bang on about thinking that’s a granny that’s met a child twice has rights). You’re not far off 50/50 with the grandparents - that’s not a pattern you want established strongly in a potentially messy divorce.

He refused to give you closure when he walked out and blocked you.

He does not deserve the closure he wants by coming to have this chat with you.

I imagine he wants to check you're still available for him just in case he ever changes his mind. Don't give him any knowledge about how you feel. He'll just use it to his own advantage.

Just avoid this 'chat' like the plague. You'll feel much better once you've decided not to do it. Let him stew forever on whatever it is.

This is what I’m thinking. I don’t want to play games but at the same time if I msg back then what I stay up all night after with it all being consuming again no I don’t need this. Actions are what are real in this life. He’s had months to come talk to me if he wished. He hasn’t once come over to speak to me after or when he was leaving he blocked me to not have to deal with what I know now is just a human reaction to your partner of a decade leaving. His whole family and friends think I was the problem I drove him to drinking and that’s why he left. No one knew he cheated on me and he gets to look like the good guy it makes me feel full of rage.

You're not playing games.

You're getting on with your day to day life of being a decent person and raising your children accordingly.

He doesn't get to fuck off into the night, ignore you and the children and then turn up when it suits him and expect you to jump to attention.

Don't even respond to him. He's a cunt. Treat him appropriately.

Can you ever imagine blocking someone who was looking after your children? Imagine how little of a shit you would have to give about them to make sure you are uncontactable in the event of an emergency, or even just to discuss the million important things that parents need to share about their children. Or actually talk to his own kids himself!

It sounds like you are feeling strong and resolved when it comes to bringing his bullshit back into your life, but if it helps, you can also remember that you are protecting your kids from his fuckwittery as well. They need you to be on top form, not worrying away about whatever kind of bullshit he's going to try and lay on you. If he needs to say anything, he can write it down in an email and you can get to it when it bloody well suits you. He no longer controls your narrative - you get to decide if/when you can face his nonsense, not him.

He is in absolutely no position to be deciding on your behalf when you will have to give headspace to his bullshit. You can call the shots and he will just have to suck it the fuck up for a change! ✊💪

Is 9am suitable for you? Because if not, tell him thank you but that time doesn't work for me, I will be available on x dates at x time as we have financials we need to discuss. Please choose on of these options and I will see you then. Or accept the 9am but if he arses you around again, the above response. As you've said- he's had months to have this conversation. Be very clear about what you do and do t need to discuss. If the conversation veers away from where it needs to be, pull it back. Best of luck to you.

I didn’t msg back and went to bed in the end. I’ve got doors locked but I don’t think he will come round as I didn’t message him back. Again this is what he does. I can’t believe how much effect he still has over me. It feels like two steps forward one step back. I read so much online about narcissistic abuse and so much is based on without having to co parent with one. To block and cut all contact but this is impossible. Will he always have to be in my life? I can’t believe after all the hurt and betrayal he’s still talking to the OW she is married with five kids. What a mess. I don’t get with affairs right no one seems to think about the children. It is honestly so indulgent I don’t know how they can sleep at night so easily.

Why do you care if he's talking to the OW?

More fool her for talking to him

Everyone is right. Tell him 9am doesn’t suit and that you’ll discuss the house via email. Do you not want any weekends with your children? Seems to me you do all the homework & rushed mornings and his parents get all the fun time. That’s not right.

Honestly because it’s still raw in ways but weirdly enough it’s actually helped. Knowing makes you feel a little less crazy after all the gaslighting to know I was right. Those who have been lied to like that will understand I think.

This is what my friend said. Is anyone in these comments co parenting what arrangement do you do? It’s only a few months in. It was Easter holidays I had them a week they now at his mums this week. But I think you’re right I feel like I am doing all the drudgery which I don’t want to say it like that but I don’t get to spend as many days out I feel I do all the school stuff and bed times and on Sunday he’s the amazing fun parent.

He didn’t come round by the way. I’m just cracking on with work I work from home and honestly think I need a new job or second job to have more of a life. I feel stuck in. I do see friends but lost a lot of people that were in my life when he left.

Take back half of the weekends!

Seriously. You are under no obligation to give his parents all the weekends and half the holidays.

how did that come about? Are you put under pressure by them?

From there literally being no conversation about stuff since he left he only recently unblocked me and a lot of his family blocked me too. His mum has taken charge it feels like and I don’t have any family and don’t drive at the moment. In my head if I take in every other weekend too I don’t know if I’ll manage I need to think about getting a second job now he’s left.

Why are his parents having the kids and not him? You sound really strong by the way. My exh has the kids saturday night at his mums because that's where he lives, we both go to sons footbal over the weekends so our lives still overlap with seeing the kids and i like it like that i would hate to not be with the kids much.

because he's moved back in with his parents so he works 5/6 days a week and they do any school pick ups on exchange and days he works on weekends.

His mum isn’t in charge of your children. Just tell them “I have plans with the children this weekend”

Have you checked if you’re entitled to any top up benefits? Also have you claimed CM from him?

You really should put a stop to the every weekend thing before it becomes a precedent. You’re entitled to down time with your children.

Fuck that for a lark. He could have 50/50 weekdays included or every other weekend. None of this every weekend shit where he has all the fun.

I'd honestly just text him back: 'Don't worry, you don't really need to come round anyway, we'll sort the house via email. I was thinking we'd do xyz, are you in agreement? If not, what do you propose?

Regarding the dc, every weekend no longer works for us as we have plans some weekends. Do you want full time 50/50 or every other weekend?'

Literally treat him like a child. Closed choices only. Does he want to do A or B. No more of him calling the shots, you take control. You're the one putting your kids first after all, you didn't swan off and have an affair.

Grey rock all the way OP. Kept me sane when my stbxh walked out on me.

I really recommend the book Runaway Husbands, another thing that kept me sane.

I was in a similar situation.
My ex wasn't really capable of proper 'co' parenting and I quickly accepted that I was going to be the sole care, support and guidance for our child. He saw him a day a week and they watched films and did the 'fun' stuff - takeaways, watch football etc.
In the end it was easier for me to accept that my ex just wasn't really capable of full on parenting and I just got on with it all myself. Once I dropped my expectations I felt more at ease.
I just wanted our child to have a good relationship with his dad if nothing else.
My ex died 5 years after we split so in hindsight I'm glad I didn't push for more and that my son had fun times with him - I don't think he could handle it anyway.

I know it's not good to drop your expectations like this but in my case it was right.

Your idea of getting a second job, or even volunteering somewhere with a social aspect, would help you feel more you and you may find it easier emotionally disengage from your ex.

Keep communication short and child oriented.
Look after yourself - your DC need you more than anything. Your ex causing emotional blips is not good for you, or therefore your kids.