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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

All the red flags

86 replies

ITriedToBeIndependent · 06/04/2024 10:21

Hi I’ve found myself in a situation and I am unsure what to do… if you manage to read all this I thank you in advance.
I met someone who I’ve know for 15 years we had a few dates when we were teens but it never progressed anyway I joined the online dating scene and we matched yay! Never had a connection like it he was telling me everything I wanted to hear, the attention he said he loved me after two weeks! He asked me to marry him after three months, but things went down hill pretty much after that. If we were out he would say how women were looking at him, he has four children he doesn’t see any of them. Or pay maintenance for them. He blames the mothers for him not seeing his children, they took them away from him, he has hinted that it was his behaviour and he is grown now, he wouldn’t treat a woman bad again! He doesn’t have a job but is trying to get a job he takes drugs. Cocaine and pot. Pot every day all day! He wanted to move in but his step mum told him to keep hold of his place so he did and now if he’s in a bad mood with me or I say something that he doesn’t agree with he says il just stay at mine! He is constantly accusing me of cheating said he has been the player in the past and has never actually been faithful to any of his exes. He has demanded my location off me, when I’ve been at work. If I want to go out with a friend female he doesn’t like it he texts me all the time if I don’t reply fast he accuses me but he went to the pub with a friend and didn’t even tell me he was going to the pub til after and I felt a way about that, why didn’t he tell me. I have severe relationship anxiety and the thought of sticking by him when he has. Nothing for him to just leave when he finally sorts his life out is haunting me. He talks a good talk about building a life together but I feel like it’s convenient for him to be at my home he said he would move in if he got this job because he wouldn’t have to pay rent then! We get on so we’ll have such a laugh together but on the flip side I feel like I can’t afford everything to feed him four days a week minimum to pay for dates if we go shopping he adds stuff to the basket but doesn’t want to pay for anything if he cooks for me he throws it in my face etc. when he gets angry at me he calls me names like a sl@g, im crazy or mad! The names get worse but I don’t want to post them. When he gets angry I just feel like I need to run away and tell him I need space the relationship worries me that I will waste years of my life for nothing. I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance. Would you stay with this man and give him a chance or risk finding someone else who you may not have the same connection with? I am so confused

OP posts:
Comtesse · 06/04/2024 10:23

i would rather be single for a hundred years than put up with him. No job, drugs, horribly rude, sponger. And you have daughters in the house to see this! No way Jose.

twentysevendresses · 06/04/2024 10:24

Read this back and answer it as if this man was in a relationship with your own daughter!

You don't need anyone here to tell you what to do...you know already!!

PiggieWig · 06/04/2024 10:25

You’re seeing the red flags. They are there for a reason. Don’t stay with this man. You deserve better - even if that is being single.
He’s taking advantage and it will only get worse.

Sparklfairy · 06/04/2024 10:25

What are you thinking!? DUMP HIM. He's a complete loser, sponger, abuser.

Get rid of him. And get some therapy to find out why on earth you think this waste of skin is better than no man at all.

NeurodivergentBurnout · 06/04/2024 10:28

It sounds like you were love bombed at the start? That person who was lovely at the start? He doesn’t exist. It sounds like he reappears every time you think about ending it. This man will bleed you dry. Why would he get a job when he can sit on his arse smoking weed all day and you’ll pay for his food?
Come on OP, read your post back. What would you say to a friend, or your DC? Thank God he does have his own place, you can send him back there. End it, for everyone’s sake. Don’t get too bogged down in the break up. Keep it simple. You’re not happy and you want to break up. He will try to manipulate you but stand firm. When he’s gone, block him on everything and don’t let him come round again.

Justcallmebebes · 06/04/2024 10:30

I can't see one redeeming quality in this man and why are you allowing a jobless, feckless drug addict to be around your children?

Politeperson81 · 06/04/2024 10:32

No job
Drugs
Possessive
A serial cheater
Sponges off you
Doesn't contribute a single thing to you or your family
Doesn't provide for his own kids, doesn't have contact with any of them.

Dump his ass now, absolute waste of space

NecessaryNC24 · 06/04/2024 10:34

Justcallmebebes · 06/04/2024 10:30

I can't see one redeeming quality in this man and why are you allowing a jobless, feckless drug addict to be around your children?

Exactly.

And him being 'so good with the teenage girls' is a total alarm bell, never mind red flags.

Protect your girls OP because this loser is giving me Stuart Hazel vibes. Just because you knew him years ago doesn't mean you know him.

Porageeater · 06/04/2024 10:34

You haven’t written anything good about this man beyond that you have a laugh. You have described someone who is controlling and abusive. Don’t waste any more of your life and don’t send a message to your daughters that this kind of abusive relationship is OK.

I would bet my house he is cheating on you too or he will do. Men who are jealous like that are usually up to it themselves.

Catapultaway · 06/04/2024 10:35

ITriedToBeIndependent · 06/04/2024 10:21

Hi I’ve found myself in a situation and I am unsure what to do… if you manage to read all this I thank you in advance.
I met someone who I’ve know for 15 years we had a few dates when we were teens but it never progressed anyway I joined the online dating scene and we matched yay! Never had a connection like it he was telling me everything I wanted to hear, the attention he said he loved me after two weeks! He asked me to marry him after three months, but things went down hill pretty much after that. If we were out he would say how women were looking at him, he has four children he doesn’t see any of them. Or pay maintenance for them. He blames the mothers for him not seeing his children, they took them away from him, he has hinted that it was his behaviour and he is grown now, he wouldn’t treat a woman bad again! He doesn’t have a job but is trying to get a job he takes drugs. Cocaine and pot. Pot every day all day! He wanted to move in but his step mum told him to keep hold of his place so he did and now if he’s in a bad mood with me or I say something that he doesn’t agree with he says il just stay at mine! He is constantly accusing me of cheating said he has been the player in the past and has never actually been faithful to any of his exes. He has demanded my location off me, when I’ve been at work. If I want to go out with a friend female he doesn’t like it he texts me all the time if I don’t reply fast he accuses me but he went to the pub with a friend and didn’t even tell me he was going to the pub til after and I felt a way about that, why didn’t he tell me. I have severe relationship anxiety and the thought of sticking by him when he has. Nothing for him to just leave when he finally sorts his life out is haunting me. He talks a good talk about building a life together but I feel like it’s convenient for him to be at my home he said he would move in if he got this job because he wouldn’t have to pay rent then! We get on so we’ll have such a laugh together but on the flip side I feel like I can’t afford everything to feed him four days a week minimum to pay for dates if we go shopping he adds stuff to the basket but doesn’t want to pay for anything if he cooks for me he throws it in my face etc. when he gets angry at me he calls me names like a sl@g, im crazy or mad! The names get worse but I don’t want to post them. When he gets angry I just feel like I need to run away and tell him I need space the relationship worries me that I will waste years of my life for nothing. I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance. Would you stay with this man and give him a chance or risk finding someone else who you may not have the same connection with? I am so confused

What part of this shit show of a life was "everything you wanted to hear".
Aim higher.

Dacadactyl · 06/04/2024 10:37

4 kids he doesn't see and no fucking job?!

Come on OP, this "man" is a pure WASTER.

Surely you can do better than this.

Breakingpoint1961 · 06/04/2024 10:40

Bunting🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Yoe · 06/04/2024 10:41

Omg I couldn’t finish reading your post…… my dear honestly u are worth more, deserve more, and should expect more ….. dump that mf

olivebranch31 · 06/04/2024 10:45

Told you he loves you after 2 weeks - love moving
Doesn't see his kids and blames the mothers - self explanatory, only one common denominator
Cocaine and pot - would rather spunk money and time up the wall on drugs than see his kids
Accusing you of cheating - he's cheating
Cutting you off from friends - isolating you to emotionally abuse you
Talking about a positive future that's a far cry away from what the situation currently is - future faking
Name calling - emotional abuse, how it all starts

Seriously OP what are the positives here?!

Ladyprehensile · 06/04/2024 10:45

Dump him today.

Nothing good is going to come from your relationship with him. In the future you will look back with so much regret if you continue to live your current life with him in it.

We are all telling you the same thing so develop some relationship intelligence and get rid of this awful excuse of a man.

We have warned you!

olivebranch31 · 06/04/2024 10:45

Lovebombing ffs autocorrect

Kittensat36 · 06/04/2024 10:46

He is grown now, he wouldn’t treat a woman bad again!

And yet........

Any one of those flags would be enough for me. But a pretty bouquet of them is what you have here. You dodged a bullet when he took his Mum's advice and kept his flat, dodge the rest by telling him not to come back and blocking him from everything. Call the police if he turns up.

As for being nice to your daughters. Best case scenario is that they will accept this level of shit in future relationships and allow abuse because that is perfectly normal.

Worst case? He's lining your daughters up too. He was nice to you at first. Like he's nice to them. You don't want this man moving in.

ITriedToBeIndependent · 06/04/2024 10:47

Thank you for the replies so far, you’re all right I know how it sounds I had been single for years after I separated from my dds dad he also cheated and had a baby with someone while we were together but we have a great co parenting relationship and he is great with the girls he loves them and provides for them and this man accuses me of wanting to be with my ex however I don’t want to be with my ex I thought I had healed from past trauma I have created a nice life for me and my girls I work full time and literally wanted to find someone to spend that with mainly when I have time to myself. I’ve read my post back I’m embarrassed that I find myself in this confusion because I didn’t even add everything that has happened in such a short space of time he says we need to work together instead of against each other it’s like he knows what to say and I doubt myself

OP posts:
olivebranch31 · 06/04/2024 10:48

To add, knows what to say - gaslighting

Dacadactyl · 06/04/2024 10:49

ITriedToBeIndependent · 06/04/2024 10:47

Thank you for the replies so far, you’re all right I know how it sounds I had been single for years after I separated from my dds dad he also cheated and had a baby with someone while we were together but we have a great co parenting relationship and he is great with the girls he loves them and provides for them and this man accuses me of wanting to be with my ex however I don’t want to be with my ex I thought I had healed from past trauma I have created a nice life for me and my girls I work full time and literally wanted to find someone to spend that with mainly when I have time to myself. I’ve read my post back I’m embarrassed that I find myself in this confusion because I didn’t even add everything that has happened in such a short space of time he says we need to work together instead of against each other it’s like he knows what to say and I doubt myself

You have posted because you know in your heart he's no good.

Listen to yourself.

olivebranch31 · 06/04/2024 10:51

Get out now. The confusion and self doubt will get worse as the days go on until you are a shell of yourself which is exactly what he wants. Then when he's chewed you up and spat you out you will be in the same category as the 4 exes he's spent his life blaming. No good can come of this relationship for you I'm sorry to say.

Porageeater · 06/04/2024 10:51

Gaslighting yes. You sound like a nice person OP you deserve better.

MothralovesGojira · 06/04/2024 10:51

I read all of your post and counted 18 red flags in various forms.
Love bombing? ✔
Cock lodging? ✔
History of love 'em & leave 'em and admittance of abuse? ✔
Not seeing any of his kids due to withheld contact/no maintenance paid? ✔
Isolating you from family & friends? ✔
Aggression? ✔
Substance abuse worn like a badge of honour? ✔

Need I go on? This isn't a relationship - it's a war of attrition until there is nothing left of you. End it for your own sanity and you do not owe him an explanation or anything else. There is nothing to save here and he can not/will not change.
Change your locks, pack up any of his stuff, send him a message telling him it's over and not to contact you again and block him on everything. I'm actually worried about your daughters as he appears to be grooming them by 'love bombing' them but for what purpose....?

Itneverrainsinsocal · 06/04/2024 10:56

Time to raise your bar, it’s so low it’s on the floor! He will waste your time and drag you down (or perhaps worse).

Checklist for future dating / partners:

No drugs - never ever tolerate this
No binge drinking
No violent behaviour
Kind and respectful language to you and others, always
Responsible and honours commitments to any children they have from previous relationships
Holds a job down, can pay their own way
Look at their friends / family - are they respectful , honest , decent people?
Kind to all animals

A good way to frame it (and to step back from any romantic feelings) is to think, how would I feel if this man was my son? Would I be proud of his behavior and the way he treats others? Or would I be ashamed of him and disappointed?

Never make excuses or turn a blind eye when someone doesn’t hold up these values. Never ignore the red flags!

olivebranch31 · 06/04/2024 11:00

If the only redeeming quality you can think of is you get on well and he makes you laugh, remember that no abuser is horrible 100% of the time. 5% of good times are sprinkled in in order to keep their victim.

And the choice isn't between this pitiful excuse of a man or trying to find another one. By thinking this way you will end up right back in another abusive relationship trust me. Bin him and spend some time on your own to try and understand why you think those are the only 2 choices for you.