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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

All the red flags

86 replies

ITriedToBeIndependent · 06/04/2024 10:21

Hi I’ve found myself in a situation and I am unsure what to do… if you manage to read all this I thank you in advance.
I met someone who I’ve know for 15 years we had a few dates when we were teens but it never progressed anyway I joined the online dating scene and we matched yay! Never had a connection like it he was telling me everything I wanted to hear, the attention he said he loved me after two weeks! He asked me to marry him after three months, but things went down hill pretty much after that. If we were out he would say how women were looking at him, he has four children he doesn’t see any of them. Or pay maintenance for them. He blames the mothers for him not seeing his children, they took them away from him, he has hinted that it was his behaviour and he is grown now, he wouldn’t treat a woman bad again! He doesn’t have a job but is trying to get a job he takes drugs. Cocaine and pot. Pot every day all day! He wanted to move in but his step mum told him to keep hold of his place so he did and now if he’s in a bad mood with me or I say something that he doesn’t agree with he says il just stay at mine! He is constantly accusing me of cheating said he has been the player in the past and has never actually been faithful to any of his exes. He has demanded my location off me, when I’ve been at work. If I want to go out with a friend female he doesn’t like it he texts me all the time if I don’t reply fast he accuses me but he went to the pub with a friend and didn’t even tell me he was going to the pub til after and I felt a way about that, why didn’t he tell me. I have severe relationship anxiety and the thought of sticking by him when he has. Nothing for him to just leave when he finally sorts his life out is haunting me. He talks a good talk about building a life together but I feel like it’s convenient for him to be at my home he said he would move in if he got this job because he wouldn’t have to pay rent then! We get on so we’ll have such a laugh together but on the flip side I feel like I can’t afford everything to feed him four days a week minimum to pay for dates if we go shopping he adds stuff to the basket but doesn’t want to pay for anything if he cooks for me he throws it in my face etc. when he gets angry at me he calls me names like a sl@g, im crazy or mad! The names get worse but I don’t want to post them. When he gets angry I just feel like I need to run away and tell him I need space the relationship worries me that I will waste years of my life for nothing. I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance. Would you stay with this man and give him a chance or risk finding someone else who you may not have the same connection with? I am so confused

OP posts:
AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 20:16

@ITriedToBeIndependent has he stopped messaging you yet or did you finally manage to block his phone?

di2004 · 09/04/2024 20:25

From the sound of it he definitely doesn't sound like a catch... get rid ASAP!

ITriedToBeIndependent · 09/04/2024 23:07

I’ve blocked him on everything 🙌🏻 and I feel much better now

OP posts:
DorisDoesDoncaster · 09/04/2024 23:12

Not RTFT and somebody else has probably said it before me, but your man child is displaying more red flags than would be hoisted out for a communist parade. Run.

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 23:20

Well done! I was hoping you would do that but there is always a worry you would get sucked back in with his pleadings. Enjoy the peace and quiet Flowers

loftnights · 09/04/2024 23:36

Run, run, run…

Politeperson81 · 10/04/2024 15:50

ITriedToBeIndependent · 09/04/2024 18:48

Thanks for the reply but firstly I’m not desperate! And my daughters were never left alone with him ever and I this is the first man that I have ever introduced to them since i separated from their dad years ago I have had one other relationship before this but I never wanted to introduce him as I felt it was too soon after my divorce. Just to also put a few things right he didn’t meet me and say I don’t have a job he told me he was self employed, he didn’t tell me he was a druggy either I found him smoking a soliff and he never smoked it in my house or my girls never saw him smoking it either. Another thing he didn’t just start calling me names the moment I met him either he was so kind and thoughtful towards me and I trusted him. I asked for advice not judgement, I knew exactly what I needed to do and only updated today and to say thanks to everyone who offered advice too. So thanks to everyone who didnt mom shame me into feeling any more guilty than I already do

Edited

You've done a brave but ultimately the right thing. Based on the information you shared this is not a guy you could have a viable future with due to his many, many issues.

You keep concentrating on you and your girls, he needs to recognise and take ownership of his own issues, provide for his children and stop acting the way he does

SummerHouse · 10/04/2024 18:09

Sorry I have only just seen this. The advice from professionals dealing with domestic abuse is not to block them. Your instinct was spot on op. When they can't contact you the behaviour can escalate. I see you have now blocked him but I wanted to make this point. Mute don't block is the advice. Well done indeed for getting out op.

Comtesse · 10/04/2024 18:55

You deserve better than this lowlife - onwards and upwards Flowers

Alstreena · 10/04/2024 18:57

Catapultaway · 06/04/2024 10:35

What part of this shit show of a life was "everything you wanted to hear".
Aim higher.

This ^ with bells on.

ITriedToBeIndependent · 10/04/2024 23:24

Thank you for your message 😊

OP posts:
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