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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

All the red flags

86 replies

ITriedToBeIndependent · 06/04/2024 10:21

Hi I’ve found myself in a situation and I am unsure what to do… if you manage to read all this I thank you in advance.
I met someone who I’ve know for 15 years we had a few dates when we were teens but it never progressed anyway I joined the online dating scene and we matched yay! Never had a connection like it he was telling me everything I wanted to hear, the attention he said he loved me after two weeks! He asked me to marry him after three months, but things went down hill pretty much after that. If we were out he would say how women were looking at him, he has four children he doesn’t see any of them. Or pay maintenance for them. He blames the mothers for him not seeing his children, they took them away from him, he has hinted that it was his behaviour and he is grown now, he wouldn’t treat a woman bad again! He doesn’t have a job but is trying to get a job he takes drugs. Cocaine and pot. Pot every day all day! He wanted to move in but his step mum told him to keep hold of his place so he did and now if he’s in a bad mood with me or I say something that he doesn’t agree with he says il just stay at mine! He is constantly accusing me of cheating said he has been the player in the past and has never actually been faithful to any of his exes. He has demanded my location off me, when I’ve been at work. If I want to go out with a friend female he doesn’t like it he texts me all the time if I don’t reply fast he accuses me but he went to the pub with a friend and didn’t even tell me he was going to the pub til after and I felt a way about that, why didn’t he tell me. I have severe relationship anxiety and the thought of sticking by him when he has. Nothing for him to just leave when he finally sorts his life out is haunting me. He talks a good talk about building a life together but I feel like it’s convenient for him to be at my home he said he would move in if he got this job because he wouldn’t have to pay rent then! We get on so we’ll have such a laugh together but on the flip side I feel like I can’t afford everything to feed him four days a week minimum to pay for dates if we go shopping he adds stuff to the basket but doesn’t want to pay for anything if he cooks for me he throws it in my face etc. when he gets angry at me he calls me names like a sl@g, im crazy or mad! The names get worse but I don’t want to post them. When he gets angry I just feel like I need to run away and tell him I need space the relationship worries me that I will waste years of my life for nothing. I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance. Would you stay with this man and give him a chance or risk finding someone else who you may not have the same connection with? I am so confused

OP posts:
VenetiaHallisWellPosh · 09/04/2024 12:05

OP I have some experience of gaslighting and emotional abuse. The man will tell you that he's the best you're ever going to get. He will tell you you are damaged/ill/mad. The man will tell you how you have ruined things for him. It's a game and you shouldn't believe a word of it. He's trying everything in his arsenal to keep you hanging. Don't give in to it.

cocog · 09/04/2024 12:09

Every thing you spend on him time, money, food, effort to answer stupid insecurities is time and money that’s coming from your home your children take them to Claire’s on what your saving on his food bill, take them out instead of a date for him get rid of him block him and move on! Also have a think on why you don’t feel you need better out of a new relationship don’t settle for a drug user in 10 years this will be your children’s normal please don’t do that to them. He probably won’t go easy he’s onto a good thing. Be prepared for that just be strong you will be happier.

CheekyHobson · 09/04/2024 12:12

These aren’t red flags or even red lights, they’re the fucking cliff that the flags and lights were warning you about.

AstralSpace · 09/04/2024 12:12

I'm not sure why you didn't bin this man as soon as you found any one of those things about him but glad you've done it now.
Even if everything else was ok, you can never have a good future with someone who is a drug taker.
You'll find yourself with less and less money to support your daughters and a level of misery that will take a toll on all of you.

Please never take him back.

PinotPony · 09/04/2024 12:22

All the time you respond to his messages, or he can see that you've read them, he'll keep contacting you.

Block him on every social media platform.
Delete his number from your phone permanently.
If he turns up at your home, call the police.

He is a horrible man and you deserve much better.

AutumnFroglets · 09/04/2024 12:28

ITriedToBeIndependent · 09/04/2024 11:04

I am not obsessing over what he may or may not think, I have ended this relationship. I also haven't blocked him because while he is messaging me i can gage what mood he is in, I would rather him blow up my phone then my front door. Where my daughters are.

Block his number.

If he knocks at your door, don't open it but tell him to go away otherwise you will call the police. If he continues knocking/shouting at your door then actually call the police.

You don't have to take his crap anymore. You never did have to.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 09/04/2024 12:31

”Would you stay with this man?” A cheating, sponging, selfish, jobless drug addict who doesn’t see his 4 kids? Erm no…I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.

Why are you wasting so much energy and time on this total utter waste of space? He love bombed and future faked you and is now gaslighting you.

He really Isn’t worth the time you have taken to write out your post and the consideration you are giving her situation.

Block him move on and do some work on your boundaries.

DuchessOfSausage · 09/04/2024 12:35

Not RTFT yet.

I met someone who I’ve know for 15 years we had a few dates when we were teens but it never progressed
You were not right for each other.

  • anyway I joined the online dating scene and we matched yay! Never had a connection like it he was telling me everything I wanted to hear, the attention he said he loved me after two weeks! He asked me to marry him after three months,* Lovebombing

but things went down hill pretty much after that. If we were out he would say how women were looking at him,
Arrogance

he has four children he doesn’t see any of them. Or pay maintenance for them.
A prince amongst fathers, obviously.

He blames the mothers for him not seeing his children, they took them away from him,
Poor victim

he has hinted that it was his behaviour and he is grown now, he wouldn’t treat a woman bad again!
Of course he wouldn't. Leopards change their spots don't they?

He doesn’t have a job but is trying to get a job he takes drugs. Cocaine and pot. Pot every day all day!
What a waster.

He wanted to move in but his step mum told him to keep hold of his place so he did and now if he’s in a bad mood with me or I say something that he doesn’t agree with he says il just stay at mine!
Let him stay in his own home.

He is constantly accusing me of cheating said he has been the player in the past and has never actually been faithful to any of his exes. He has demanded my location off me, when I’ve been at work. If I want to go out with a friend female he doesn’t like it he texts me all the time if I don’t reply fast he accuses me but he went to the pub with a friend and didn’t even tell me he was going to the pub til after and I felt a way about that, why didn’t he tell me.
He's probably cheating or trying to

I have severe relationship anxiety and the thought of sticking by him when he has. Nothing for him to just leave when he finally sorts his life out is haunting me.
Well, he is Prince Charming after all.

He talks a good talk about building a life together but I feel like it’s convenient for him to be at my home
Future faking.

he said he would move in if he got this job because he wouldn’t have to pay rent then!
Do you want a cocklodger?

We get on so we’ll have such a laugh together

but on the flip side I feel like I can’t afford everything to feed him four days a week minimum to pay for dates if we go shopping he adds stuff to the basket but doesn’t want to pay for anything if he cooks for me he throws it in my face etc.
Did you want a sponger?

when he gets angry at me he calls me names like a sl@g, im crazy or mad! The names get worse but I don’t want to post them.
He'd probably hit you if he wasn't too drugged up.

When he gets angry I just feel like I need to run away and tell him I need space
Do you need money for some running shoes. We could have a whipround.

the relationship worries me that I will waste years of my life for nothing.
You don't have to waste a moment longer.

I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance.
Sponging off and slagging their mum off isn't being good to your DDs.

Would you stay with this man
No.

and give him a chance
A chance to carry on being a cocklodging arsehole?

or risk finding someone else who you may not have the same connection with?
Try being happy and fulfilled as a person not as one half of a couple.

I am so confused, OP
It is very simple, @ITriedToBeIndependent . Look at all the red flags, and ditch the useless druggie freeloader.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 09/04/2024 12:36

Just read the update. Well done for ending things.

Not sure why you feel sorry for him when he clearly doesn’t give a shit about you? Why are you tolerating him constantly texting you? He’s not your friend or someone who deserves your consideration you need to move on. Block him, get a cheap video doorbell. Contact the police if he turns up.

You need to go no contact with him altogether or you a prolonging the drama.

SamW98 · 09/04/2024 12:36

Rather than wasting time and energy feeling bad for hurting this arseholes feelings, use that emotion to repair the damage done to your daughters by having this twat dragged into their lives.

I would strongly advise looking into doing the freedom programme and staying single until you raise your bar significantly.

imnotsickbutimnotwell · 09/04/2024 12:39

Yes I agree with the previous poster, you should really do the Freedom Program to understand why some men behave like this and how to spot the signs earlier.

MILTOBE · 09/04/2024 12:40

Is this guy a dealer?

How the hell you put up with that nonsense is beyond me. There isn't one good thing about him! Get a Ring doorbell, remind him he's dumped and block him everywhere.

Jazzicatz · 09/04/2024 12:41

You know the answer from your post. Don’t waste any more time on this waste of space - leave and concentrate on you and your daughters. Good luck with it all.

Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2024 12:51

Hes a lunatic. Don't feel sorry for ABUSIVE men.

You say he's starting to get nasty. Starting? He was calling you names even before he was dumped! Hes vile.

One text to him 'I have told you we are over. Stop contacting me. Any further contact will be harassment and reported to the police'.

If he continues, go.to.the.police.
It is that bad. People like him need to be on a fucking record somewhere. Tbh, if you ran a claires law on him you would probably find he already has a record for abuse.

Don't let men near your kids this fast again in future. Also, when the red flags start early on, listen to them and ruuuun!

Change your locks if he's ever had a key and warn your daughters to stay away from him.

DuchessOfSausage · 09/04/2024 12:53

Have read it now.
Well done for ending it. Block him on your phone, e-mail and SM.
He'll give up because his interests start and end with himself.

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2024 13:01

I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance.

Dear God. You need to give your head a wobble. He's massively abusive but he's 'good' with your teenage daughters? 🤔

He'll be coming on to them or pushing boundaries before long, walking in to thier rooms or the bathroom when they're in it without knocking.

You can't be so desperate for a man that you'll have this nasty cunt around your daughters surely?

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2024 13:02

Apologies OP, I hadn't read your update. Well done on getting rid of him!

Pinkbonbon · 09/04/2024 13:12

Men who use words like 'slut' do nor being around your teenage daughters btw.

If a man is nice to some women (for now) but treats others with rank mysoginy, it'll spread to them in time. The second he feels they're enough under his thrawl to tolerate it, like you have.

It's like when they love bomb you but are horrible about all their exs/or use mysoginistic words about female celebs for example. It spreads. Because they hate ALL women. They just pretend not to with the ones they are currently trying to con.

NecessaryNC24 · 09/04/2024 13:15

pinkyredrose · 09/04/2024 13:01

I have teenage twin girls and he seems to be so good with my two and then I find myself feeling sorry for him and thinking he needs a chance.

Dear God. You need to give your head a wobble. He's massively abusive but he's 'good' with your teenage daughters? 🤔

He'll be coming on to them or pushing boundaries before long, walking in to thier rooms or the bathroom when they're in it without knocking.

You can't be so desperate for a man that you'll have this nasty cunt around your daughters surely?

Truly this was my first thought.

WalkingThroughTreacle · 09/04/2024 13:24

You haven't ended the relationship as long as you continue to engage with him.

SamW98 · 09/04/2024 13:31

And I’d advise steering well clear from druggies in future especially having them around your teenagers.
He ends up owing the wrong people money and you and your daughters become targets.

Is having a man in your bed really worth more than your daughter’s safety and wellbeing?

Put your kids before dick in future

MyAncestorsSentALizard · 09/04/2024 14:41

Where’s the connection? Where? WHERE??

Just leave, seriously. He doesn’t have a job, smokes weed all day, speaks awfully to you and accuses you of cheating. Why would you wanna be with anyone like that?!

No offence, but he sounds like a scruff/chav. Be single, you’ve got your daughters, got a job, got a house. You don’t need a man.

ITriedToBeIndependent · 09/04/2024 18:48

NecessaryNC24 · 09/04/2024 13:15

Truly this was my first thought.

Thanks for the reply but firstly I’m not desperate! And my daughters were never left alone with him ever and I this is the first man that I have ever introduced to them since i separated from their dad years ago I have had one other relationship before this but I never wanted to introduce him as I felt it was too soon after my divorce. Just to also put a few things right he didn’t meet me and say I don’t have a job he told me he was self employed, he didn’t tell me he was a druggy either I found him smoking a soliff and he never smoked it in my house or my girls never saw him smoking it either. Another thing he didn’t just start calling me names the moment I met him either he was so kind and thoughtful towards me and I trusted him. I asked for advice not judgement, I knew exactly what I needed to do and only updated today and to say thanks to everyone who offered advice too. So thanks to everyone who didnt mom shame me into feeling any more guilty than I already do

OP posts:
ITriedToBeIndependent · 09/04/2024 18:49

Thanks for the reply but firstly I’m not desperate! And my daughters were never left alone with him ever and I this is the first man that I have ever introduced to them since i separated from their dad years ago I have had one other relationship before this but I never wanted to introduce him as I felt it was too soon after my divorce. Just to also put a few things right he didn’t meet me and say I don’t have a job he told me he was self employed, he didn’t tell me he was a druggy either I found him smoking a soliff and he never smoked it in my house or my girls never saw him smoking it either. Another thing he didn’t just start calling me names the moment I met him either he was so kind and thoughtful towards me and I trusted him. I asked for advice not judgement, I knew exactly what I needed to do and only updated today and to say thanks to everyone who offered advice too. So thanks to everyone who didnt mom shame me into feeling any more guilty than I already do

OP posts:
NecessaryNC24 · 09/04/2024 19:50

Hi OP,

I wasn't reposting about the 'desperate' part, just your girls being vulnerable with that type of man around.

I didn't have a very nice stepfather so I'm coming from that perspective, I truly wish you well.

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