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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found husband on swingers site. Need advice

96 replies

Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:03

this is a new log on, but I’m not new here.

I have been feeling suspicious of my DH for a while. A few things related to changed in behaviour but nothing explicit. Also there have been other issues (in wider family) that could have accounted for behaviour.

Anyway. I have found that he has an account on a sex meet up site. I managed to log in to it. It appears to be from 2018 and it doesn’t appear he has messaged or met up with anyone or used it since. However a pic of his dic was uploaded, and the thick Twat used his name and location (the six is his…I recognise it).

Where do I go from here? Can’t find anything else but haven’t got access to much as we don’t share phones really.

pretty sure we will separate, but I also feel a need to know if there is anything else.
The options I am considering are…

  1. tell him what I have doing to his face and ask for an explanation and ask to look through his phone immediately (after bedtime)
  2. tell him I know he has been inappropriate and ask if he will be honest and tell me anything he has done.

I know you’ll say I should just tell him and end the relationship but, for whatever reason, I feel I need to know if there is more or not.

please be gentle. I’m home alone with the kids trying to keep my self together. Been messaging him as normal because I plan to talk to him tonight after bedtime.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:08

Any advice will help. I haven’t got a friend I want to speak to yet. Am seeing someone at the weekend but need to chat to someone about it now

OP posts:
Tatas · 04/04/2024 12:08

I know you might feel the need to know if there's more or not, but you're unlikely to get a true or complete story from someone like that, they'll edit and give you just enough - rather than the full story. The need to know more from you will be met by his need to divulge as little as possible, realistically it'll meet in the middle or he might not give anything away at all.

Maybe try and reframe the need to know more in your own head, can you make peace with knowing that you've found enough proof to separate?

Overtheatlantic · 04/04/2024 12:11

Take care of yourself financially before you say anything to him. I don’t mean empty the bank account but make sure you have the means to make your rent/mortgage and bills for the foreseeable.

Villagetoraiseachild · 04/04/2024 12:11

V sorry Op, that is very upsetting.
Best plan always in these cases is to stay calm and make a plan. You will be in shock right now, so maybe consider giving it a few days to let this news fully land and figure how you want to proceed.
You might be able to find similar threads on here while you wait for replies.

Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:12

Thanks so much for replying.
I really want to just end it. The desire to know more isn’t logical. I think I might be trying to convince myself to stay. I know he won’t give the full truth. I know he’ll give as little as possible or possibly just walk away giving nothing. I can’t explain why I feel the need to know more.

OP posts:
kayla12345 · 04/04/2024 12:12

I'm very sorry op. Get your ducks in a row - i.e finances, make sure it's him leaving the house and then file for divorce. I wouldn't tell him you know anything until that's done. He will lie and try to minimise his actions

Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:15

Villagetoraiseachild · 04/04/2024 12:11

V sorry Op, that is very upsetting.
Best plan always in these cases is to stay calm and make a plan. You will be in shock right now, so maybe consider giving it a few days to let this news fully land and figure how you want to proceed.
You might be able to find similar threads on here while you wait for replies.

Maybe I should wait. Honestly though I think I will crack and loose my shit. Maybe I should see a lawyer/divorce person first

OP posts:
PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 04/04/2024 12:16

Think back to 2018.. it's a long time ago.. was anything happening in your relationship then?. Could he have just done it then in a moment of madness and then not bother about it since.. ? He might have wanted to look at the site like looking at porn and had to join.
I'd sit calmly.. tell him what you've found and ask for an explanation.. then decide what to do going forward.

Villagetoraiseachild · 04/04/2024 12:17

Op, it's a classic response. Some people want to know the whole story and some people can only take part of the story at a time.
This is usually to help them figure out if they can forgive and move past it.
Be gentle with yourself today, you have found out a lot by yourself.

VanillaImpulse · 04/04/2024 12:20

I would want to do option one but I think definitely get finances sorted first so you're one up on him. I know it'll be difficult to stay normal though so not sure if it will be doable for you.

VanillaImpulse · 04/04/2024 12:21

You say you've been suspicious lately so if it was only just in 2018 then what would be the reason behind the latest change in behaviour?

Namechange666 · 04/04/2024 12:23

Take a picture of what you have found as evidence so he can't gaslight you

Villagetoraiseachild · 04/04/2024 12:25

It's just a few days till you see your friend. You can just say you're not feeling well to give you some time. I find writing it down helps massively or you can vent on here if that is safer. Also research, knowledge is power.

CrunchingNumbers · 04/04/2024 12:27

PutOnYourRedShoesAndLetsDance · 04/04/2024 12:16

Think back to 2018.. it's a long time ago.. was anything happening in your relationship then?. Could he have just done it then in a moment of madness and then not bother about it since.. ? He might have wanted to look at the site like looking at porn and had to join.
I'd sit calmly.. tell him what you've found and ask for an explanation.. then decide what to do going forward.

Agree with Red shoes here.

If there's been absolutely no activity on this site and you've had no other issues (apart from what you describe in your OP and that can be explained in other ways), could it have been a stupid blip? A cheap thrill? Not totally excusable but possibly not marriage ending? Depends on what your marriage has been like since 2018.

Confront him and see what he has to say. Consider whether you believe him or not.
Can you live with not wanting to dig further in case there are other sites? Once you start worrying and over thinking, where will it stop - you'll start to wonder whether he has a burner phone somewhere. Only you know what you're like and how your gut is telling you to deal with this. Hugs to you, it's not a nice position to unexpectedly find yourself in.

Villagetoraiseachild · 04/04/2024 12:28

Namechange666 · 04/04/2024 12:23

Take a picture of what you have found as evidence so he can't gaslight you

Agree with this.
Have to work now , Op but good luck with this and remember you are not alone. Lots of support here.🌷

ZekeZeke · 04/04/2024 12:31

Get an STD test ASAP

oprahwindsock · 04/04/2024 12:33

He last logged in 6 years ago?

You don't know if that's all he did, that is look.

You need to slow down although reading youre posts it seems you're ready to end it anyway?

Is there something else going on?

Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:33

VanillaImpulse · 04/04/2024 12:21

You say you've been suspicious lately so if it was only just in 2018 then what would be the reason behind the latest change in behaviour?

There is a few big things happening in family and with me that can account for different behaviour. Thing health related stuff. Don’t want to be too specific

OP posts:
Seaoftroubles · 04/04/2024 12:36

Screen shot the evidence.If you do decide to tackle him ask to see his phone straight away as any fore warning means he will delete incriminating messages.What has caused your recent suspicions? Trust your instincts as they are rarely wrong. Even if there's nothing to show since 2018 there are other sites he could be on.

Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:36

Villagetoraiseachild · 04/04/2024 12:28

Agree with this.
Have to work now , Op but good luck with this and remember you are not alone. Lots of support here.🌷

Show quote history

I have screen shots. I don’t think he’ll gaslight me. He might try but I know it his photo and words. They’re scream him and I recognise his parts and clothes. I mean what a fucking idiot!!!! I think he might hide other things but I’m not sure. Hence wanting to find out if there is more. Is not a horrible person, even now I can say that. But I’m not putting

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:37

Seaoftroubles · 04/04/2024 12:36

Screen shot the evidence.If you do decide to tackle him ask to see his phone straight away as any fore warning means he will delete incriminating messages.What has caused your recent suspicions? Trust your instincts as they are rarely wrong. Even if there's nothing to show since 2018 there are other sites he could be on.

This was my plan re the phone. If he won’t talk or give the phone immediately then I won’t need to do anymore. I’ll know for sure there is more and he is not going to be truthful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Newbutnotso · 04/04/2024 12:39

oprahwindsock · 04/04/2024 12:33

He last logged in 6 years ago?

You don't know if that's all he did, that is look.

You need to slow down although reading youre posts it seems you're ready to end it anyway?

Is there something else going on?

Nothing else that I know of for sure. Even the odd behaviour I thought was more my paranoia. Thing is even if it was just looking and there is nothing else. I don’t think I can trust again. How could I ever believe him again?

anyone been through this? P

OP posts:
nextcrapthing · 04/04/2024 12:42

Can you not ask to borrow his phone to look up something as your phone is out of battery and is charging? Try to peek and memorise his password and then hide in the toilet until you got all the screenshots and send it to your phone via whatapps?
Just a suggestion, don’t shoot me down.

CrunchingNumbers · 04/04/2024 12:43

How is your marriage in general? Is he usually truthful, supportive, caring?

If it was a stupid choice to make back then, is the man you've lived with for the following 6 years worth leaving over it?

Dinoswearunderpants · 04/04/2024 12:47

Were you together in 2018? If so, then I understand your upset but if this was before your time not sure on the issue.