Found husband on swingers site. Need advice

[Newbutnotso]

this is a new log on, but I’m not new here.

I have been feeling suspicious of my DH for a while. A few things related to changed in behaviour but nothing explicit. Also there have been other issues (in wider family) that could have accounted for behaviour.

Anyway. I have found that he has an account on a sex meet up site. I managed to log in to it. It appears to be from 2018 and it doesn’t appear he has messaged or met up with anyone or used it since. However a pic of his dic was uploaded, and the thick Twat used his name and location (the six is his…I recognise it).

Where do I go from here? Can’t find anything else but haven’t got access to much as we don’t share phones really.

pretty sure we will separate, but I also feel a need to know if there is anything else.
The options I am considering are…

1. tell him what I have doing to his face and ask for an explanation and ask to look through his phone immediately (after bedtime)
2. tell him I know he has been inappropriate and ask if he will be honest and tell me anything he has done.

I know you’ll say I should just tell him and end the relationship but, for whatever reason, I feel I need to know if there is more or not.

please be gentle. I’m home alone with the kids trying to keep my self together. Been messaging him as normal because I plan to talk to him tonight after bedtime.

Check that the messaging apps are not in other created folders if you can't immediately see them. Also Snapchat if he has it. Check conversations and not just names - could be using a different name, eg a male when it's actually a female.
Good luck, wishing you strength. Your anger will carry you through it.

Check the secure folder (usually has a PIN) and look for kik, telegram or discord. Check archived messages in whatsapp/fb messenger.

Look for other messaging apps like Signal and Telegram.

Thanks everyone - got to do the kids bedtimes. Then confront time. I feel sick and shakey

@Newbutnotso if it’s an iPhone, check screentime. Slide the Home Screen to the right and it should be at the bottom of the screen that shows (or you can search for it in settings)
Go on activity there, it’ll show every website used (not on private) and all the apps used. You can also check “battery” (in settings) and it’ll show you if there’s any deleted apps too, as these don’t show on screentime once gone.

also look at the hidden folder in his photo albums.

Good luck

The annoying thing about these is they CAN be used innocently. So it won’t necessarily answer questions but is good to check in case.

Yes to Snapchat too, no faithful adult male has Snapchat - a fact.

Thinking of you. I hope it was a one off curiosity upload.
He seems very amateur/inept if he is using his own name and area.
It doesn't sound like he's a crafty cheater! Xx

It is done. Didn’t find anything on the phone. Looked at as much as I could be bothered to. Did search terms in multiple places too. Nothing eve came up.
urgh!!! What a fucking ridiculous situation for a full grown man to be in. Idiot.

Not sure why. I have used MN for years, but accessed this new account through a new email …/because I set up a new one to save screen shots and access dating sites to check for any familiar profiles.

Urgh. I’m drained now. Going to try and sleep. I’m actually surprised I didn’t ugly cry/angry Cry. Just did it.

Did he at least grovel? What an absolute prick!

Hi op I just want to show my support long story short my dp sent dick pic to some someone he was chatting to on kik about 6 years ago I forgave him and I can honestly say he as never done it again but I still have wobbles with trust it's not him doing anything wrong it's just he broke the trust 6 years ago it's something you have to deal with if you stay together I so hope you can find peace with happiness with whatever you decide good luck

He did seem sorry and didn’t get angry or spin it on me. He gave an explanation of sorts…not that anything can really justify that behaviour. Handed the phone over straight away with no argument.

I dunno how I feel now. It’s hard that it was so long ago. Though we were still married and had kids! I’m struggling to get over the stupidity more than anything. The profile clearly hadn’t been used for a while but he didn’t bother unsubscribing from the email? He used his proper name/age etc. I’m just shocked at the stupidity more than anything else.

just need to think about what I want to do now because undoubtedly will affect trust. How do I trust again? When he is off in a friends trip or away for work or anything else like that I will be questioning if I am being stupid and blind

My experience- you never trust them again. But everyone’s different.

I found out when pregnant with third that he’d been on IE when I was pregnant with second. He even used a photo I’d taken of him in the nude (I thought it was weird at the time when he asked me to do it and was like “why”? Always trust your gut!)

He had messaged quite a few different women and eNgaged in dirty talk/ talked about meeting in hotels etc) there was nothing to suggest he’d actually met anyone but he had given out a phone number (that I didn’t recognise) to one woman.

I confronted him and he denied anything had actually happened (of course!).

But it was the start of the end for our relationship tbh. I was stuck as I was pregnant and we weren’t married at the time and I’m a sahm so no money of my own.

Im still here because he’s also financially abusive and quite honestly - I don’t even know how to go about leaving. I’ve little money of my own, nowhere to go and have children/teens. I know he will make divorcing extremely difficult and maintains he loves me etc. But if I bring it up (which I don’t really nowadays because it’s got to the point that I don’t really care anymore) he would just deflect and minimise it and get angry because I brought it up again.

I don’t really love him any more and will never trust him again (he has done other untrustworthy things re finances etc)

So yeah, it’s shit OP and ruins relationships. I think back to the old me and feel so sad as something changed in me forever on discovering this - I loved him to bits before that. He broke my trust in him, made me feel like shit/not enough at a time when he should’ve been caring for me and it’s never been the same.

He sent me some photos the other day of when I gave birth to 2nd born and it just made me think “oh yeah, that was the time when you were on hookup sites scouting in for fanny!” It just makes you question your whole relationship and taints everything.

I think I understand why you want to know more despite what you already know being enough to end the relationship. This is something that has happened to you and messed up your life as you knew it. It’s probably deep down instinctive to want the whole story. How caveman learned to avoid things that hurt, if you like. But you’ll be putting yourself through more grief trying to get the information you want when, really, it isn’t going to change the situation and what you need to do.

Just keep posting here because from what I’ve seen on previous posts you will get incredible support.

I’ve been thinking about you!

I went through something similar with an ex. I’m really not the most forgiving at all but like your DH he handed everything over and I really believe he was honest about it. We stayed together a few years after.

It’s gutting to find that though, it doesn’t sound as if anything else ever came of it. I hope you can move forward. Would you try couples counselling?

Then I apologise, it's just the way you seemed to easily dismiss your marriage.

I hope you can work things out with him, it was a long time ago. Trust can be rebuilt, it just takes time and effort on both sides.

First of all I know this thread is old. Yes I have been through something similar. Not on a swingers site though. This is an indicator of a sex-porn addiction. If your spouse watches porn I would find a therapist that deals with this issue. This and similar things are becoming more popular, it’s cheating but not cheating. It’s a thrill. Sometimes when people watch by porn over time it screws up their brain and they watch more and more sketchy stuff. Just plain porn stops being thrilling. Some go to the extreme of even writing to someone. Sometimes they plan to meet and have discussions, send messages often pictures etc. at the last minute they back out. 50 percent of men on dating sites are in some sort of committed relationships. Often times they just chat, they go to the extent of chasing someone get compliments, make a woman think they are getting a date etc. Then back out and really make the woman mad. Or some insecure individuals have an emotional only online only affair for attention a d to make themselves feel desirable. This can go on for months or years. Go with your gut, your gut is rarely wrong. If he was actually cheating he would have been angry, depressed and distant at times, he also would have mood swings where he was really happy for no reason. He may have worked on his appearance, changed his schedule, asked you to do different stuff in the bedroom, kept his phone or device far from you, washed his own laundry, taken more showers etc. Maybe spent a long time at the store or in the bathroom. This is like secretly watching real people and it’s much more exciting than porn. Swinging is kind of a dangerous thrill as well. I would not divorce a good man for that, but I would drag his butt to therapy. If this is the only betrayal you have had, he does deserve a second chance. You can trust him over time, with true remorse and total honesty in his whole life you can regain trust. I went through something similar but my spouse was actually getting porn sent to him for free. He invited her to meet but he was scared he would back out when they actually met. So after a couple months he freaked out and stopped chatting. Cheaters very often get caught, the fact that you never got a call or message from another woman is a clue he hasn’t cheated. My spouse wanted to cheat without actually cheating in person, (to risky). Plus he was terrified, all part of the thrill. I’m sorry you went through this, it’s traumatic. God bless, take care of yourself.

You can't say that ' file for divorce ' you aren't her close friend who.knows them well..just a person reading a person's comment & then casually telling them to do a life changing decision.I'm not sure IF you yourself are divorced but the emotional stress is bad..Personally I'd suggest couples counselling or him himself getting some help first ..I'm not being rude but you being so glib was jarring..We are all people reading tiny snapshots of each others lived only.

Think you may be over reacting. It was years ago and he was obviously a novice by putting his own name. He's not very good at being deceptive.
Hold your horses and ask what the heck he's playing at xx