Found husband on swingers site. Need advice

[Newbutnotso]

this is a new log on, but I’m not new here.

I have been feeling suspicious of my DH for a while. A few things related to changed in behaviour but nothing explicit. Also there have been other issues (in wider family) that could have accounted for behaviour.

Anyway. I have found that he has an account on a sex meet up site. I managed to log in to it. It appears to be from 2018 and it doesn’t appear he has messaged or met up with anyone or used it since. However a pic of his dic was uploaded, and the thick Twat used his name and location (the six is his…I recognise it).

Where do I go from here? Can’t find anything else but haven’t got access to much as we don’t share phones really.

pretty sure we will separate, but I also feel a need to know if there is anything else.
The options I am considering are…

1. tell him what I have doing to his face and ask for an explanation and ask to look through his phone immediately (after bedtime)
2. tell him I know he has been inappropriate and ask if he will be honest and tell me anything he has done.

I know you’ll say I should just tell him and end the relationship but, for whatever reason, I feel I need to know if there is more or not.

please be gentle. I’m home alone with the kids trying to keep my self together. Been messaging him as normal because I plan to talk to him tonight after bedtime.

He uploaded a dick pic... Why on earth would he do that if he just wanted to watch porn? Its a meet up sex site, he put his pics and personal info on, don't be so naive.

I am not defending him but my logic would be that you cannot be recognized from a dick pic.
No one who thought this out would use actual name on swingers site!
I may be super naive but my first tought would be "fuck I married an idiot".
Who maybe played with idea of introducing swinging into our life.
But I am generally quite positive person.

Hope you get anwsers you need from him.

We were together and had 2 children a house etc.

I’ve looked on multiple other sites and can’t see anyone who could be him. Tried password reset on a few for the same email as the other one.

Im less numb now and starting to get angry. Feel oddly shakey.
thanks for all who have commented. It helps so much to have somewhere to put my thoughts while I’m home alone with the kids.

We always want to know more. After my husband had an affair I wanted to know every single sordid detail. I kept bombarding him with hysterical questions morning, noon and night. It's a natural reaction and I suppose we are trying to find out why "she" is better than us and whether he still really loves us. My marriage ended by the way.

You are in shock. My advice would be try to do nothing at all. Tell him that you are ill and don't interact with him today. Give yourself time to process before you do stuff

How did it go down when you confronted him

I'm sorry, OP.

The very fact he took the time to open an account and attach a dick pic and his details would have me booking an STD test immediately.

Think about what you want/need out of a conversation. if you're determined to end it, regardless, make sure your share of the bank accounts, documents, etc are secure first.

He didn't want to talk about it in the beginning, he just kept walking away or going out. After that he lied, gaslight me and minimised everything. Then after about a week he started to get really aggressive and shouted, punched the walls etc. Finally, it was all my fault because I was a bitch (and worse) who didn't understand him and everything about me and everything I had ever done was wrong. Sorry, but don't be surprised if yours follows a similar pattern.

1. tell him what I have doing to his face and ask for an explanation and ask to look through his phone immediately (after bedtime)

I think it’s pretty self explanatory. All both options are doing are giving him the opportunity to bullshit you. I mean, what do you expect him to say? What do you want to hear? He can’t make this better there’s no excuse that will suffice. Leave him and tell him why but I’m not sure what conversation there is to be had?

As someone who has used the site I think you're talking about (is there an ice cream in the title?), you get a lot of profiles, male and female, who are there tbh as an ego boost or to at most engage in some sexual talk with people. You get very few who actually meet, and from the information you've put up I would say your husband is one of the former of my list. Although again, that's only speculation.

Only you know if this is a deal breaker in your marriage. I think if he can be honest about it, and talk to you about why he created this profile then you've got a chance (if you wanted to), to make things work. If he can't be honest, then you're in a difficult position.

I’ll try to prepare myself. He is a nice bloke generally. Kind and really helpful. However- I’ve seen so many stories or how men flip when they’re had affairs or when they are ready to leave. I will try to be prepared for anything. If he gets remotely violent I shall call the police and have him taken out the house. If he walks off or shouts I’ll know there a lot more.

I know you’re right. I just want to know if there is more to know. As I said earlier I know it isn’t logical!

No not an ice cream in the title.

He’s on the way home. I feel increasingly on edge and shakey. I’ll have to keep my shit together until all 4 kids are in bed. Sadly I don’t think I have it in me to delay any long. I may do it tonight then go away for a few nights to a hotel

When you’re shocked and hurt this way logic will kind of go out the window. There may be more, which will hurt you more but think twice before you ask.

If you’ve decided it’s over what’s the point in being hurt any more. If you’ve decided you can forgive this but not if anything else happened then you should ask. But if he’s already crossed your line I would leave it at that.

Yea I must be considering staying if I’m bothering. I think if there was nothing else and he gave me his phone, and grovelled etc. I may think about staying. Anything other than that I will have to end it.

Gonna have to disappear for a few hours soon. Will possibly check in later.

Fair enough, that’s your choice. I hope you get the answers you’re looking for and can work through this if that’s what you want. Let us know how you get on if you can ❤️.

Try to keep calm and listen, whilst you want to run for the hills potentially, don't, make him grovel even, and even if you do want to leave, do it on your terms, takes time to sort out life

Good luck OP, I hope you get some honest answers from him.

See a divorce lawyer first. Get advice and go from there.

Then spring it on him. Have the upper hand!

Good luck op, hope you get at least honest-ish answers!

He’s home smiling and chatting about work. Cunt

Not long till the conversation. Any suggestions of places to look on phone if I ask? Obvious places are texts/emails/WhatsApp/insta etc.

any less obvious signs of cheating or deleted content anyone knows I should check for.

yes I am loosing it now.