Found husband on swingers site. Need advice

[Newbutnotso]

this is a new log on, but I’m not new here.

I have been feeling suspicious of my DH for a while. A few things related to changed in behaviour but nothing explicit. Also there have been other issues (in wider family) that could have accounted for behaviour.

Anyway. I have found that he has an account on a sex meet up site. I managed to log in to it. It appears to be from 2018 and it doesn’t appear he has messaged or met up with anyone or used it since. However a pic of his dic was uploaded, and the thick Twat used his name and location (the six is his…I recognise it).

Where do I go from here? Can’t find anything else but haven’t got access to much as we don’t share phones really.

pretty sure we will separate, but I also feel a need to know if there is anything else.
The options I am considering are…

1. tell him what I have doing to his face and ask for an explanation and ask to look through his phone immediately (after bedtime)
2. tell him I know he has been inappropriate and ask if he will be honest and tell me anything he has done.

I know you’ll say I should just tell him and end the relationship but, for whatever reason, I feel I need to know if there is more or not.

please be gentle. I’m home alone with the kids trying to keep my self together. Been messaging him as normal because I plan to talk to him tonight after bedtime.

My exH did similar. He joined Ashley Madison (for discreet affairs, I think) then explained it away on the grounds that he was “just curious” (not very credible) and that he didn’t take it any further as he would have to pay (more credible, as he’s tight as a fish’s arse). A few years down the line he was doing similar on a sugar daddies site. Again said he’d never met anyone from there, etc., etc. but at that point I threw him out.

My advice would be to keep quiet at the moment so he doesn’t think you suspect anything but keep digging. By this I mean digging for information about his finances, etc., and for any further information about unsavoury activities. I confronted my exH immediately which made him more careful, and more duplicitous. I wish I had kept my powder dry and let him get careless - it would have enabled me to end the marriage sooner and spare myself several years of suspicion and mistrust.

If you want honesty (or close to honesty) you’re going to have to get to a very calm place so he doesn’t see you are reacting - otherwise he will clam up.

I think you should take him for a long walk and tell him you need a proper chat along the lines “how is our relationship doing, have you ever felt unsatisfied and what have you considered/done about it, how do you feel about things right now.” Don’t tell him what you have found out. Leave really long spaces in the conversation to let him unravel his thoughts. Probe but don’t interrogate. If he confesses absolutely nothing about the swinging site but does tell you other stuff about how the relationship is going, then I’d probably bring out the fact that you found an old login online and you were really concerned. Did that or anything else lead to a sexual affair - was it in-person and should you be worried about getting an std check. Keep the emotional content really low - you can say it really upset and shocked you, but don’t show your shock or upset.

If you can’t do that, there’s no point telling him what you know - you won’t believe his replies. And you will not have a productive conversation.

Afterwards, depending what he reveals, tell him you need some time to yourself to think about what he has said to you, and figure out what it means. And then really take your time. Marriage is a marathon not a sprint and some things are forgivable for some couples. If he lies, minimises, gaslights, or deflects/blames you then that tells you everything you need to know.

You could make an account yourself and see if he messages you. Most men who are active on those sites will send speculation messages to every new female user who signs up...

As above, tell him what you've seen, tell him you're curious to hear all about it once he's handed over over his phone immediately to set your mind at rest.

It's possible that it was just curiosity, and he made the account to have a nosey, of there's no evidence of him having sent any messages. It could be something and nothing from six years ago, but his reaction and communication about it will tell you what you need to know.

Alternatively, make your own fake profile, send him a message and arrange to meet him, but you'll need a strong poker face for that.

This is possible. My gut instinct is this is what he did and nothing else has happened on the site. However I would not be surprised if there was more text/social media phone based crap.

Nobody can tell you what to do about this OP especially with children but the way I felt at the end of my marriage was to just ignore it - I couldn't deal with any more hassle and disapointment.
However I did keep a file on all of his similar activities and screen shotted everything. And I got my ducks in a row.
When I finally had enough I emailed all of his activities to him at work and said "Surprise". Want to do this through the courts or privately.
He accepted £10k for a 20 year marriage and pissed off. Signed the consent order without question and the divorce papers and I never saw him again.

I don’t think he pays for it. Account and no subscription but it seemed to offer short subscriptions so I assume that’s what he did at the time.

I reset the password on the iPad so I am wondering if he will see an email notification and know I’ve seen it before he gets home: I hope not.

I know no one can tell me what to do. I just want somewhere to share and talk about it. Some thoughts on my plan.

I think I will confront him as not confrontationally as possible and ask to see his phone immediately.

Unfortunately he will get a password reset notification, and this might prompt him to clean up his phone before you get a chance to look at it. Your best bet is to create an emergency that will keep him occupied before he gets a chance to act - or go in and confront him immediately at work.

This is such a great response. I am going to try and be open and calm. I am going to try and give him an opportunity to explain. I will expect to see his phone by the end though and if he isn’t calm and response that’ll tell me all I know. I’m surprised by how calm I feel.

taking time after is a good option. I have arranged to see a friend Saturday. She is discrete and calm so will be a good person to talk with

You seem certain that you want to split up.

You also seem calm. Use this in your favour. Seek legal advice asap and get the divorce paperwork in motion. When you are ready, present divorce paperwork and say NOTHING to him prior.

This will help you in two ways:

1. you will not have him lying and wailing and thrashing around while trying to seek legal advice. Most cheaters gaslight and love bomb when they realise their life is no longer under their own control. This will be horrid and you will have to put up with this daily. Even if you find more will that mean you want to stay?

2. you will feel like a badass retelling your story. Divorcing and hook up sites can affect someone’s self esteem in the long run. ‘Oh I found Dave on a hook up site, so I served him divorce papers out of the blue, can’t be bothered with the cheating worm’.

If you tell him he is likely to play games and hide things, move money, threaten to take ‘full custody’ and all the other nonsense that is said when he is aware his life is about to upend.

If you are calm (and it’s very rare to be calm enough) then fake a gynaecological problem and get a solicitor pronto.

But reading your latest response you sound like you may want to work it out?

Can’t do it at work as I have 4 kids and he works at a distance. I hope as I deleted the notification it will Deley on phone too. Also he is very busy so may not. What would show that stuff had been deleted?

Honestly it is probably just bots, women that want payment and other men on those sites…

Look for other stuff on email and messages, if it was just a login and a look around, you are right to be upset, but view it for what it is.

You could say something to him that someone has been in touch with you saying they had messages from him and showed you evidence, see if he spills any more info in a panic. Don’t tell him you just saw a login, as then he will think that’s all the evidence you have and no more.

I think most likely we will split but there is a part wondering if not if there is nothing else. I dunno. I also want to keep a good relationship even if we do split. I do want my children to be ok.

Is he generally prone to quick dumb decisions?
I once talked with my DH about opening Tinder and he was shocked I was thinking about it. Thing is,I was curious what the drama is about (it was years ago so Tindee profiles were not as common knowleadge as now).
Obviously I didn't open it but it almost got to horrible situation just because I was curious (and not thinking how DH may see it).

I'm not normally defending cuntish men but this could have been moment of dumb decision.
Obviously, if he fucked somwone bin him.

Maybe a stupid decision. However opening an account is different to actually uploading a picture of your privates, name and vague location no? I mean that in itself shows he’s a bit thick. Who would use their actual name?! (Not full name but still).

Which site was it, that will impact what he may have had an opportunity to do.
Fab swingers - so many men, little chance to actually get any action although they can find out about clubs, etc.

Doesn't sound like IE or Ashley Madison, no dick pics there.

It's likely if he is chatting and looking to meet he may be on Kik and kik groups, tends to be a popular way to meet others who want to cheat.

Take your time.
STD test.
Finances and paperwork in order.
Make sure you have access to joint accounts.
Passports for you and the kids up to date and somewhere safe or better still at mums/friends house.
When he is out check his desk, coats, clothes drawers, sports bags.
When you can check the car.

What’s KIK and Kik?
Are there popular sites I should check? I looked at a couple others and couldn’t see any. The one he used was mainly sad blokes with dick picks. I imagine very few actually ever meet any women on there. Shows the difference doesn’t it. Personally I’d never message a bloke on the basis of a dick pic on a weird sex sites. I expect very few women would.

He won't tell you the truth. At best he'll tell you as little as thinks he can get away with.

Just leave. It's who he is.

I can’t just leave as we have a home with 4 children. However I could ask him to leave though I wouldn’t afford the mortgage for long at all. I do get what you mean though. It’s him who has done this and so he can’t be trusted. Really I know I shouldn’t need to hear anymore. What can make that ok? Nothing. I would and have never done anything similar.

Kik is an app, it's a messaging app primarily but also allows you to join chat groups and there are a huge number of affairs groups where people can chat and share pics with the intention to meet often. Saying that many men don't get the opportunity too unless they have charm or looks.

I’ve looked where I can. He’s too tech savvy and me to shot with tech to try and find out much myself.

He is a terrible liar so I do think I will know as soon as o ask. He’s not very socially clever so I can’t imagine him carrying on the lying and gaslighting very well. Also I’m massively cynical and entuitibe so I feel that as soon as I ask I will know from his reactions. Maybe I’m kidding myself