I wish DH and I had separate bedrooms, we just aren’t compatible at sharing a bedroom.

[headache]

So I’ve had a stressful few days so tonight I had a shower, got into bed all cosy, started watching a film, the dog joined me (she’s very old and she got all comfortable) and one of the cats came up for a cuddle too. It was lovely. Then at 10pm when my film had 20 mins to go DH came up as that’s his bedtime and I had to turn it off, dog and cat had to go downstairs and that was it night over. I did feel a bit resentful but I understand he’s working tomorrow (I’m not) although he chooses to get up really early and starts work at 7 when he doesn’t have to.

When he comes to bed he falls asleep in 1 minute, doesn’t want to talk to the point he’s sometimes quite rude. I’m the opposite I would like to have a little chat about the day even for 5 minutes. I suppose I’m jealous as I have insomnia caused by chronic pain and it takes me ages to fall asleep.

We are just so incompatible, as well as him being a lark and me being an insomniac owl. I like the bed all warm and cosy whilst he overheats, he would have the window open and probably a teeny blanket on even in Winter. He also gets up 3/4 times in the night for the toilet (caused by drinking loads during the day) then he complains my snoring and breathing mean he can’t get back to sleep.

We don’t have any spare rooms, I have tried sleeping downstairs before but it’s not very comfy and the cats wake me up. I’m hoping to steal one of the DCs bedrooms when they go to uni/move out.

Anyone else just hate sharing a bedroom with their partner?

When are your offspring pushing off, OP? I'm so invested in the idea of you getting your own room now.

Yep, we have separate rooms and it’s life changing. Me and the dog get to go to bed early and DH who’s a 2/3am bed person goes off to his room. When we go on holiday I barely sleep from his snoring.

Agree with this. It was the most life-affirming thing to happen, and I honestly think me and DH would have divorced by now if we had not had separate bedrooms in our mid to late 30s. His snoring was causing me so much stress and anxiety. And the 'just get earplugs' brigade are both ridiculous and laughable in equal measure. I'm not sleeping in fucking earplugs! 😆

Also, as my post earlier on illustrated, there are other reasons too, like completely different sleeping tastes. He wants the room toasty hot, and windows shut, (and I want the room cold and windows open.) AND and he has differing work shifts - including lates and earlies and nights. We both have wonderful sleep now we have separate bedrooms, and one of the best marriages of most couples we know/know of. In fact the happiest couples I know (over 40 anyway,) have separate bedrooms. And many couples we know who don't (and don't have the option,) are quite jealous. One woman I know said she would KILL for her own bedroom.

I think every couple needs separate bedrooms after the first 10-15 years together. It's simply untenable to share a bed (or even a bedroom) long term with another adult. Also, me and DH have separate bedrooms when we book a holiday. Just book an extra room. Costs us about 10% more for our holiday. I couldn't go otherwise. I simply couldn't sleep. I could never enjoy the holiday on fuck-all sleep!

For the first 12-13 years we we lived together, it was fine, and I enjoyed sleeping in the same bed as him. But he started snoring in his mid 30s, and within 2-3 years it became horrendous. Then me wanting a cold room and him wanting a hot one, and his differing shifts came into play, and separate rooms was the only option for us both.

'And the 'just get earplugs' brigade are both ridiculous and laughable in equal measure. I'm not sleeping in fucking earplugs! '

I'm not a 'brigade'. I'd just rather sleep with plugs in than in a separate room without my dh. Different folk obviously have different priorities.

Yes! I don't understand why being in a relationship for some reason means you HAVE to share a bedroom and never sleep again. No-one would expect you to sit on the same dining chair, or use the same toothbrush...

Me and OH have separate rooms, it's great. Have co-sleeping with baby as great excuse atm 😎Still wiggly, but much better than hotter than hell and snoring...

have two small children and have slept in a separate bed from DH since first pregnancy. We love it. We go to bed at different times, Dh has insomnia but hates if I go for a wee as he can’t get back to sleep for hours. I like it cosy he likes it cold. I hate phone screens, he scrolls all night. I often have a baby in the bed from 3am onwards…

Yes - sometimes i just want my own space, nothing to do with them

I'm with your DH on the animal front. I couldn't have a dog/cat on the bed. All the hair and smell 😳

I always use earplugs and I can still fucking hear him snorting, making weird noises like being throttled ,and snoring😡god, it's like a train thundering past my head. It's not just noise it's also vibration. God, I'd so love my own room.

Sounds terrible! Has he been assessed for sleep apnoea? Maybe a cpap machine would help.

My dh snores, I use sleepbuds to drown it out. Works perfectly.

I’m very very long term single and the idea of sharing a bed with another person is so horrifying to me now 😅 OP I hope your kids bugger off soon so you can pinch a room! A recent colleague of mine finally inherited her daughter’s room last year, she made a beautiful book nook for herself, has the fan on all night, and I think it has actually saved her marriage 😅

We bought a Superking bed or we would be sleeping separately. OH is a chronic insomniac and talks in his sleep . He gets up in the night because he wakes up and can’t get back to sleep. The movement and noise was driving me mad. I now don’t feel him moving as much . We’ve tried sleeping separately but it feels very lonely.

You sound like a Stepford!

Right?! And the insinuation that if you don’t physically sleep in the same bed then you must never actually go to bed together, ever, is hilarious. And that there can’t possibly be any touching or kissing or connection or shows of affection at any other time. Like your only option is to fuck (or pretend to) in the kitchen because, you know, separate beds … 🙄

A 'stepford' because I believe sharing a bedroom is important? Intimacy is important, if someone would rather sleep with pets than their dp I highly doubt they are getting it on in the kitchen with dc in the house, do you?

No @Janiie - see the post above you.

You seem very invested in other people’s sex lives.

It is an op about other people's sex lives. I wouldn't start advocating that people make time for intimacy on a thread about parking or on one about mils.

I haven’t slept in a bed which my husband for 9 years, half our relationship! It’s brilliant, no man filth in my room, my spaces exactly as I like it and I have my kids stay in my bed at weekends plus 2 cats.

It means DH only comes into my bed for a good reason. I sometimes feel like it would be nice to cuddle up all night, but we tried it recently and it was annoying! Was pleased when he went off to his own bed in the middle of the night so I could starfish and stretch out in ridiculous positions.

We've had separate rooms for years. I need absolute peace and quiet to sleep, not someone snoring in my ear all night.

No it’s not - it’s about sharing a bedroom and sleep incompatibility. You’ve then picked up on the sex aspect and run with it - you seem very concerned about wanking and where people are having sex. Would you like to say why that is?

My other half likes to go to bed late in a freezing cold room with the curtains open and the blinds as well. The guy who lives opposite us has a security light which flashes into the bedroom, it goes on and off in this weather. He also snores and has a habit of falling asleep with his arms around his head so he can hardly breathe.
I like to go to bed early, like a warm bedroom and snug curtains. I have pain issues as well. Currently in the menopause so have night sweats.
I tried everything at first - ear plugs, eye masks but nothing could blot out the noise. He also flails about when he’s asleep so I’ve had a few accidental whacks.
Luckily we have a tiny spare room so I go in there. Single bed. I spent a fortune doing the main bedroom up, king size bed, and I’m so envious he gets to sleep in there. But sanity is restored although I still have to get up during the night to unwrap his arms from his head.
We aren’t as close though physically. He says he’d love to sleep wrapped around me but the problem is he’s asleep in 10 seconds, he’s no idea what it’s like for me!

Me and my dh don’t share a bed either. I find it a struggle to settle next to someone, and he needs the tv on to sleep whilst I need it dark. He also can’t sleep with the cat and the cat wants to sleep with me

We still love each other to bits and I think our marriage would have failed if we didn’t have separate beds.

@SabreIsMyFave I have some great earplugs, but they definitely aren't for everyone and I don't think it's very good for your ear canal either.

No one immediately runs off with other person.. until another person becomes available and shows interest. Sleeping separately is just setting yourself up for that scenario to develop.

Sounds like the plot of Sleeping Beauty.
If you’re sleeping alone, a prince will spot you, float in through the window, kiss you and you run off with him.

But if you are not sleeping alone, Prince peaks in the window and moves on.

It's really sad that you believe that proximity is the reason that people who are supposed to love each other have sex.

DP and I are incompatible sleepers- he works shifts, so is often home after I need to be in bed, and some shifts require him to be up at 4.30 am. Add to that the fact that he snores (not insurmountable- earplugs + snoozeband playing white noise deal with that usually), my atrocious sleep hygiene (intermittent insomniac of over 40 years) and you have a recipe for disaster.

Currently we have an odd arrangement whereby one of us will decamp to the sofa if sleep is proving elusive, but when a bedroom becomes free one of us will sleep there.

But because we're not always in the same bed at the same time, we make extra efforts to ensure our sex life is frequent, varied and enjoyable. I can't imagine anything sadder than only having sex because we happen to be in bed at the same time at night.