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Original poster

I wish DH and I had separate bedrooms, we just aren’t compatible at sharing a bedroom.

86 replies

headache · 02/04/2024 22:52

So I’ve had a stressful few days so tonight I had a shower, got into bed all cosy, started watching a film, the dog joined me (she’s very old and she got all comfortable) and one of the cats came up for a cuddle too. It was lovely. Then at 10pm when my film had 20 mins to go DH came up as that’s his bedtime and I had to turn it off, dog and cat had to go downstairs and that was it night over. I did feel a bit resentful but I understand he’s working tomorrow (I’m not) although he chooses to get up really early and starts work at 7 when he doesn’t have to.

When he comes to bed he falls asleep in 1 minute, doesn’t want to talk to the point he’s sometimes quite rude. I’m the opposite I would like to have a little chat about the day even for 5 minutes. I suppose I’m jealous as I have insomnia caused by chronic pain and it takes me ages to fall asleep.

We are just so incompatible, as well as him being a lark and me being an insomniac owl. I like the bed all warm and cosy whilst he overheats, he would have the window open and probably a teeny blanket on even in Winter. He also gets up 3/4 times in the night for the toilet (caused by drinking loads during the day) then he complains my snoring and breathing mean he can’t get back to sleep.

We don’t have any spare rooms, I have tried sleeping downstairs before but it’s not very comfy and the cats wake me up. I’m hoping to steal one of the DCs bedrooms when they go to uni/move out.

Anyone else just hate sharing a bedroom with their partner?

OP posts:
Paulina18 · 02/04/2024 23:09

Has any one had raised potassium levels during a full blood test but nothing else wrong .
mine was slightly elevated and another test required
I’m the worlds worst worryer

Tilllly · 02/04/2024 23:15

Paulina18 · 02/04/2024 23:09

Has any one had raised potassium levels during a full blood test but nothing else wrong .
mine was slightly elevated and another test required
I’m the worlds worst worryer

You need to start a new thread for this

Tilllly · 02/04/2024 23:16

@headache

You are not alone!

But he's a bit inflexible- coming to bed 20m late would hardly have been an issue

Singleandproud · 02/04/2024 23:19

I don't think it's that unusual, my parents have had separate bedrooms ever since there was one going spare. My paternal grandparents were the same. I've always been a single parent so the idea of ever sharing with another adult actually horrifies me.

FFSNorman · 02/04/2024 23:21

moving House and experiencing road noise for the first time, my menopause and snoring have moved DH to the spare room for a couple of years now. We both sleep so much better, without the resentment and arguments.

olderbutwiser · 02/04/2024 23:24

We have separate rooms now, and two shared bathrooms. It’s bliss. It’s improved our sex life too.

PeonyFlush72 · 02/04/2024 23:25

I've slept on the sofa for 4 years now, and it's the best decision I ever made for both of us.

Why persevere if you are both being disturbed? It makes no sense.

YireosDodeAver · 02/04/2024 23:25

Yanbu and fortunately I was able to get DH to agree to separate bedrooms - but we had the space to do so. I have chronic insomnia and was also dealing with various painful health issues and I had enough of struggling through the night with DHs snoring on top of all that. It's absolute bliss and has saved me from having to choose between divorce or murder.

So sorry that you don't have the space for this. Is there any possibility of moving to a larger property?

lauramum85 · 02/04/2024 23:30

Me and my husband sleep in separate rooms. I love it and so does he. Our relationship has not been affected by it. If anything it's improved things as we get our own time before bed and no one is keeping the other awake snoring.

largeprintagathachristie · 02/04/2024 23:31

Ideally I’d have a separate bedroom to DP, I think it would be better for both of us. There’s no room, though.

He can also fall asleep in one minute - 30 seconds actually- how?! - after coming in and interrupting my cosy hour-long reading in bed wind down. One second he’s wanting an animated discussion on something on Twitter, then he can just turn over and bash, he’s asleep right away. As an insomniac, I’m jealous and a tad enraged at such a talent.

No wonder he’s a bloody lark. As an insomniac owl, I just keep reading - my bedside light doesn’t bother him, luckily.

RosiePosieCantLogIn · 02/04/2024 23:33

Can you get seperate beds?

PTSDBarbiegirl · 02/04/2024 23:38

I hate it. As soon as dc moved out we got separate bedrooms, redecorated. It's great, I'm in massive bed with one sheet and open window, he's in 15 tog quilt with warm bedding that I hate. We can both sleep.

KnittedCardi · 02/04/2024 23:45

Most of the people I know have separate bedrooms, including us. It's so nice to not be disturbed by snoring, farting, breathing, tossing and turning, insomnia, bathroom breaks. Makes marriage so more civilised.

Daffodilsarentfluffy · 02/04/2024 23:45

Currently curled up in my newly built bed on the large landing. Not due to dh but outside noise.. Absolutely blissful... Have adorned the space with personal items, a bedside cabinet, lamps etc.

DelphiniumBlue · 02/04/2024 23:46

If you can't have separate rooms, separate quilts might help. Been a game changer for us.

RosiePosieCantLogIn · 02/04/2024 23:47

DelphiniumBlue · 02/04/2024 23:46

If you can't have separate rooms, separate quilts might help. Been a game changer for us.

Agree.

And the biggest bed you can fit in the room to be as far away as possible from him

Copperoliverbear · 02/04/2024 23:55

I brought a sofa bed for the front room, I sleep on that x

Bbq1 · 02/04/2024 23:57

Tilllly · 02/04/2024 23:16

@headache

You are not alone!

But he's a bit inflexible- coming to bed 20m late would hardly have been an issue

Couldn't he allow you 20 mins to finish your film? My husband would have just waited while it finished or waited downstairs. He would not for one minute expect me to switch it off. I read in bed with my bedside lamp on and dh doesn't but he doesn't complain. He just goes to sleep - and we always have dcat with us!

Ponderingwindow · 03/04/2024 00:14

Nothing wrong with separate bedrooms.

one thing you can fix immediately is getting separate duvets. I use a blanket with cooling fibers. DH uses a thick, suffocating, monstrosity that I don’t even want touching me it is so warm

Opentooffers · 03/04/2024 00:18

Single with double bed to myself, almost - my dog sleeps with me often. Love being in bed with him, he's a better bedfellow than any man I've known - warms the foot end for me before I get in, doesn't snore! God I can't abide snoring. He doesn't mind if I'm being an insomniac. Will let me listen to any podcast I fancy, or watch TV, no complaints. I can understand why your pets would be preferable.
It's not particular to your DH, I've found most men drop off in minutes which still amazes me, as often takes an hour or so. How do they do that? Actually, I'd say its all men, it's a male ability, never met one that isn't knocking out the Zzz's shortly after head touching pillow ( or, just after an 'o'). Sex just makes me more alert than ever, whereas men just zonk out after climaxing. I'm wondering if there was a reason for the difference historically. Like mothers on nightwatch, fathers hunting by day - not alot changes over millenia maybe 🤔

balzamico · 03/04/2024 00:29

I'm on holiday currently with dh smith f away next to me but for at least the fourth time recently we have separate single quilts on a double bed.
I'm Sleeping so much better than usual that I think there must be something in it

OodlesPoodle · 03/04/2024 01:58

Opentooffers · 03/04/2024 00:18

Single with double bed to myself, almost - my dog sleeps with me often. Love being in bed with him, he's a better bedfellow than any man I've known - warms the foot end for me before I get in, doesn't snore! God I can't abide snoring. He doesn't mind if I'm being an insomniac. Will let me listen to any podcast I fancy, or watch TV, no complaints. I can understand why your pets would be preferable.
It's not particular to your DH, I've found most men drop off in minutes which still amazes me, as often takes an hour or so. How do they do that? Actually, I'd say its all men, it's a male ability, never met one that isn't knocking out the Zzz's shortly after head touching pillow ( or, just after an 'o'). Sex just makes me more alert than ever, whereas men just zonk out after climaxing. I'm wondering if there was a reason for the difference historically. Like mothers on nightwatch, fathers hunting by day - not alot changes over millenia maybe 🤔

I fall asleep almost instantly as well so it's not a man thing. Was apparently a good sleeper as a baby too! It might be to do with how prone to anxiety/ruminating/pain one is which keeps people awake (im not at all) or how active someone is which knocks you out (I am quite active). I 'chose' DP as he's a good sleeper like I am so we both normally fall asleep quickly, though sex energises him and knocks me out. He's a night owl and i'm an early bird but we both compromise where I occasionally stay up late with him and he occasionally wakes up early with me.

OP I think either DH learns to compromise and let's you finish your film or you have 2 separate beds in your room? The having a chat might not be an option as nothing more annoying than someone chatty as you're winding down. But in your own bed you can have the dog/cats and carry on watching your films (maybe with headphones to not disturb DH?). Otherwise sofa bed until the DC move out? Sleep is so important, no point forcing a shared bed if it's not working.

bradpittsbathwater · 03/04/2024 02:01

He could wait 20 mins until your film has finished ffs. That's not on and totally inflexible.

Wafflesandcrepes · 03/04/2024 04:24

Just had an absolutely massive, blazing argument with my husband who came to bed late, woke me up at 00:05 (which is exactly when I struggle to go back to sleep) and then woke me up again 90mns later to go to the loo as he’s drunk far too much. It has been this way for 20 years and I’ve decided this is it. We’re on holiday and when we’re back I’m moving to our spare bedroom. Sorry no advice but just to say you are not alone.

CosmosQueen · 03/04/2024 05:17

I cannot sleep with anyone else in the bed, DH and I have slept separately for 30+ years simply because he goes to bed at a ridiculously late hour, snores, farts and flings his arms around and hogs the duvet.
It was either separate rooms or murder.
I would never choose to share my bed with anyone but the dog.