I wish DH and I had separate bedrooms, we just aren’t compatible at sharing a bedroom.

[headache]

So I’ve had a stressful few days so tonight I had a shower, got into bed all cosy, started watching a film, the dog joined me (she’s very old and she got all comfortable) and one of the cats came up for a cuddle too. It was lovely. Then at 10pm when my film had 20 mins to go DH came up as that’s his bedtime and I had to turn it off, dog and cat had to go downstairs and that was it night over. I did feel a bit resentful but I understand he’s working tomorrow (I’m not) although he chooses to get up really early and starts work at 7 when he doesn’t have to.

When he comes to bed he falls asleep in 1 minute, doesn’t want to talk to the point he’s sometimes quite rude. I’m the opposite I would like to have a little chat about the day even for 5 minutes. I suppose I’m jealous as I have insomnia caused by chronic pain and it takes me ages to fall asleep.

We are just so incompatible, as well as him being a lark and me being an insomniac owl. I like the bed all warm and cosy whilst he overheats, he would have the window open and probably a teeny blanket on even in Winter. He also gets up 3/4 times in the night for the toilet (caused by drinking loads during the day) then he complains my snoring and breathing mean he can’t get back to sleep.

We don’t have any spare rooms, I have tried sleeping downstairs before but it’s not very comfy and the cats wake me up. I’m hoping to steal one of the DCs bedrooms when they go to uni/move out.

Anyone else just hate sharing a bedroom with their partner?

I don't think he's being unreasonable. Bed is for sleeping in , not watching films. Separate rooms is certainly the answer.

Same here! Laying here in a big warm bed with a lovely breeze on my face (he dislikes the window open) slept together for 35 years last 3 separately, bliss.

Separate bedrooms has pretty much saved my marriage - we’re chronically incompatible co-sleepers and in the past his snoring has left me so sleep deprived I’ve often been in tears of rage/desperation at 4am. Since moving to a spare room I’ve been so much happier - he still grumbles about it a bit, but for me it’s utterly blissful, and getting a proper amount of sleep makes me a much nicer person to live with.

It’s not something that gets talked about because it’s seen as a bit weird or shameful, like your marriage is dead if you don’t share a bedroom (although anyone who thinks it means you no longer have sex should probably get a better imagination …). But it’s eye-opening how many people admit to it once it’s mentioned. And it was completely normal and unremarkable until the 1960s - loads of couples had separate rooms or separate beds in the same room, because it’s a much more practical and healthy way for two adults with different preferences to get a decent bloody night’s sleep!

I’d move like a shot as soon as you have a spare room, but in the meantime, I agree that separate duvets is a game changer.

In my view grown ups should have separate bedrooms and if necessary kids should share!

Love DH dearly, never been able to sleep with him. Chronically different body clocks, temperature, etc.

Get your own room.

“When he comes to bed he falls asleep in 1 minute, doesn’t want to talk to the point he’s sometimes quite rude. I’m the opposite I would like to have a little chat about the day even for 5 minutes.”

Why do you need to wait until bedtime to have a conservation?!

I'd love separate bedrooms so you are fortunate that your partners agreed so ready. My dh now makes a conscious effort not to disturb me when he comes to bed, sleeps on the edge of the bed his side so we're not all entangled (much as he'd like that!), and has cut down how much he drinks so I'm not disturbed by him going to the toilet as used to be the case. It's me who's more likely to snore, not him!

We don't have a TV in the bedroom and never would and I use my backlit kindle for night time reading so he's not disturbed. And he doesn't come to bed as early as 10 pm so I get some wind down time ( doesn't the TV keep your brain wired?). No dog or cat either, yours sound lovely!

Surely the issue is that he needs to let you finish your film or better still you start watching earlier as you know when he comes to bed. I can't imagine not sharing, I dont sleep well when dp is away (working) and I even find it hard when you stay in a hotel and the bed is too big!

Yep. One day I'll divorce him over it, but it'll still be my fault.

If he's getting up several times every night I can understand him going to bed early - he must be knackered. However he needs to see his GP if he's getting up that much in the night for a wee as it could be diabetes or a problem with his prostate.

Very common. I run a 2 bed holiday home. Soon discovered these couples book a 2 bed to accommodate their separate sleeping arrangement.
DH and I also separate sleep (best thing ever)

We've been sleeping in separate rooms for about 2 years now. Like other posters, it was a combination of the menopause, his snoring and my pre-existing physical health conditions that necessitated it. Prior to doing it I was lucky if I got 4 hours sleep a night and was close to murdering him!

Best thing we've done. His snoring is so bad that even a room apart I can still hear it sometimes, but at least it's no longer right in my ear! I can get up as often as I need to during the night without having to worry about disturbing him, and he can watch crap on YouTube until 3am if he wants. I did it by turning my living room into my bedroom...so now I have a far larger room and 'his' bedroom is like a home office/spare bedroom which I can use if I ever have visitors (very rarely).

Same here. Me and DH have had separate bedrooms for about 15 years now, (since we acquired an extra bedroom,) and I could NEVER go back. Like me, he is in his early 50s now, and has snored since his early-mid 30s.

Also though, he gets so cold and wants lots of bedding and an electric blanket on, as well as an electric heater (that clicks off after an hour along with the electric blanket.) I would suffocate if I was in the bedroom with him!

Mine is lovely and cool with the window open at night - on vent, so open like a third of an inch - and I love going to bed knowing someone isn't going to be snoring, coughing, grunting, thrashing around, farting, pulling the duvet off me, and waking me up when he goes for a pee... He works different shifts too, and so our sleeping patterns are different some weeks.

I have had sooooo much better sleep since having my own bedroom, and even book separate rooms when on holiday. It's worth the extra money!

I used to worry about what people thought, and told my children to not tell people we had separate bedrooms, but I don't know why I cared. When other women/mums found out, they just said 'ooooh - you are lucky. I would LOVE to have my own bedroom!' No-one was like or 'ooooh marriage problems eh?' I was envied! DH still doesn't like people to know weirdly, even after around 30 years together, and us in our 50s. Thinks people will judge and think we don't have sex. Seriously, people don't care.

@headache Sorry, tl;dr. If you have no extra bedroom, I really don't know what to suggest. I do get your pain though. I think sharing a bed with someone long-term is untenable. It really is ludicrous to expect 2 grown adults to share a 4 foot X 6 foot space indefinitely, and expect them to sleep comfortably. Sleep is essential. Lack of sleep can kill you. Good sleep is imperative for a healthy heart, and healthy brain, a good immune system, and good mental and physical health in general.

I know you can get much bigger beds, but even if you are in the same ROOM you will kept awake by your partner's snoring. My DH sounds like a fucking foghorn some nights! As a pp said, I can sometimes hear it through the wall! So when it's this bad, I turn on my white noise machine ... (I set it to go off after an hour.)

Going to the toilet 3-4 times a night is not caused by drinking lots during the day, and could be signs of a medical issue. nocturia. (non-medic, here, though).

I'm single and have been for years. One of the things that has put me off bothering to find a partner is the thought of having to share a bedroom. I absolutely hate sharing a bed with a man. Never liked it! I'm a light sleeper and could never get a good night's sleep.

If I could guarantee that I get my own bedroom I may be prepared to rethink.

But OP... your DH sounds horrible! How dare he turn off the film you were watching and shoo all your pets away! I'd be looking for a separate house never mind a separate bedroom if a partner treated me like that!

We’ve had separate bedrooms for a while now - it was one of the first things we did when one became free. After many years of him snoring, us both wanting to go to bed and get up at different times, different bedtime routines, night time trips to the loo disturbing each other and so on we now sleep happily apart except at weekends when we will tolerate each other! We’re happy and despite the dire warnings on MN, neither of us have run off with another person.

Completely confused me this comment 😅

No one immediately runs off with other person.. until another person becomes available and shows interest. Sleeping separately is just setting yourself up for that scenario to develop. The neglected person will be feeling bored and rejected, will no doubt masturbate and seek connection from others.

Intimacy is important, sleeping together is important. You know he comes to bed at 10pm so why have your pets all settled on the bed at that time? My dh gets up at 6am, i don't but I'd never consider sleeping separately because he gets up for work.

No doubt those in separate rooms will claim to have wild sex in the kitchen before they scuttle off to their separate rooms but I don't believe it. If a dp's bedtime amd routines annoy someone then I very much doubt sex is on the cards. Sort the relationship out, not the bedrooms.

@Janiie Sorting out the bedrooms sorted out my marriage. Neither of us feel neglected. You do you.

I'd love separate bedrooms! DH is an owl and I'm a lark. He also snores like a foghorn. My own room is my dream.

Maybe you could have separate living areas too? Just what, share a kitchen for convenience?

If someone snores you use plugs. If someone is hot the other cold you use adaptable bedding. These things are easy to fix.

What you don't do is sleep separately. Well, some do then we have the multiple threads on relationships 'we haven't had sex for 2 yrs and I've found sexts on my dp's phone I'm shocked how can this have happened?'.

We were getting to that point, one of is frequently in the spare room.
A few months ago we bought a new superking bed and have 2 single duvets
Has made a big difference.
Have you tried listening to podcasts or radio with earphones if your not ready for sleep?

We are doing this! To some extent anyway.

We are hopefully moving soon and we will get a spare room.

It's getting decorated in something we both like so we can both feel at home in there if either one of us wants to sleep there.

Cannot wait.

I wouldn't want totally separate rooms at the moment but I will see what we feel like when we have moved and decorated. Maybe it will just happen naturally or maybe we won't but it will be nice to have the option when we need it!

@headache when my dd went to Uni I moved into her room.

Yes you do - and it’s fucking brilliant.

Chill @Janiie - your concern for other people’s marriages is touching, but really not necessary.