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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH always answers questions with a question and its driving me mad!

90 replies

NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 00:53

Sorry, just venting here. I love my husband, he is so good in many ways but lately his ability to answer a question with a question is driving me mad! Or if I offer a suggestion, he dismisses it but doesn't offer an alternative.

Me: What do you fancy to eat? - Husband: I don't know, what would you like?

Me: What do you fancy watching on TV? Husband: I don't know, what do you fancy?

Me: Just a gentle reminder its your sisters birthday, any ideas what we can get her?- Husband: Yes it is, what do you think we should get her?

Arrrrrgh - I wouldn't be asking if I knew would I! It would be, do you fancy Lasagne for tea, I'd like to watch Corrie tonight or do you think your sister would fancy x?

Me: I'd like to go on a cruise this year? Husband: No, they are floating plague ships, not my idea of fun! Me: So what doo you fancy then? Husband: I don't know, what do you want to do!

It drives me mad as all the decisions are left to me and some days I just want someone else to pipe up with some enthusiasm!

OP posts:
Renamed · 01/04/2024 01:09

So your last example, he knows what he doesn’t want to do? So it’s not he’s not listening? Would he just shoot down anything you did suggest (You: I was thinking we could go to a sex dungeon/the opera/the zoo - Him: no horrible idea! You:? Him:???) Is that the way it goes?

Original poster
NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 01:17

Renamed · 01/04/2024 01:09

So your last example, he knows what he doesn’t want to do? So it’s not he’s not listening? Would he just shoot down anything you did suggest (You: I was thinking we could go to a sex dungeon/the opera/the zoo - Him: no horrible idea! You:? Him:???) Is that the way it goes?

He listens, he just leaves all the decisions to me as a general rule and its driving me mad as he never used to be like this. I have been trying to get us to book a holiday for months as I have been really down. We have a week booked off, every time I suggest something I would like to do, its not what he wants to do but doesn't offer an alternative or he answers a question with a question. Basically he wants to go walking in the UK, which is what we do every single year, I would like to go abroad. He says yes if its something he wants to do, but I still have to arrange it and I am getting tired over the lack of enthusiasm. All his get up and go has gone!

And his little ears would perk up significantly if I suggested a sex dungeon...he does listen, he just won't make any decisions, he leaves everything to the last minute.

OP posts:
ODFOx · 01/04/2024 01:17

Why do you think it annoys you so much?
Is there a chance he is letting you choose to be kind?
See what I did there?

I'll get my coat....

crumblingschools · 01/04/2024 01:25

If he can’t give a suggestion, tell him you are going to book something and he will just have to lump it if he doesn’t like it

Original poster
NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 01:28

ODFOx · 01/04/2024 01:17

Why do you think it annoys you so much?
Is there a chance he is letting you choose to be kind?
See what I did there?

I'll get my coat....

Cheeky beggar! 😁😉

In fairness though that did cross my mind at one point but when I was really down I was struggling with all the decisions I was being asked to make (work and in my personal life) and I told him that and it didn't change. But more than anything, I need to see some enthusiasm for the things we do, some get up and go.

Every single week I do the shopping and usually do the cooking, I ask what he fancies, he throws it back to me. I ask him if he fancies going to the cinema (that indicates I do), and he says no. I ask him what he fancies doing, and he asks me back what I want to do....well I have just told him and he doesn't fancy it - fine, life is about sharing but what do you want to do? Please come back with some ideas hubby!

OP posts:
Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 01:32

Basically he wants to go walking in the UK, which is what we do every single year, I would like to go abroad

So, when he says what he wants, you don't do it anyway, and you're waiting for him to agree with you?

When he pushes the question back to you, can you not just say 'It's your turn to decide'?

Differentfromtherest · 01/04/2024 01:36

I had a friend exactly like that. So bloody annoying.

Me: do you want a cup of tea?
Him: are you having one?

Me: are you hungry?
Him: Are you?

I can't stand it when someone can't have an opinion on anything without knowing what yours is first.

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 01:40

@Differentfromtherest

What would stop you from mentioning it though? 'I asked you first', or 'Why is whether I'm hungry anything to do with whether you're hungry?'

Topseyt123 · 01/04/2024 01:46

DH does this quite a bit and it drives me round the bend. I've been known to reply "Just answer the bloody question!"

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 01/04/2024 01:51

My DH does this as well. I’m glad someone agrees that it’s annoying. I thought I was being unreasonable. I find myself responding “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you!” multiple times a day.

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2024 01:59

Stop play his game. Honestly, just stop. This is a form weaponised incompetence. He's is leaving all the mental load to you, deliberately, because he can't be fucking bothered. Stop letting him get away with it.

Book a cruise and tell him his days of being a useless idiot are over.

TealSapphire · 01/04/2024 02:54

My ex did this, but it then gave him the opportunity to constantly criticise everything that went even slightly wrong and make it my fault.

ThisNiftyMintCat · 01/04/2024 02:59

Maybe he needs some time to think about it. Tell him you are overwhelmed and you need some enthusiasm and decision making from him. Explain all the decisions you are already making for the household. Ask him to write a list of 5 overseas trips he is happy to plan, and 5 dinners he is happy to cook/ eat and then use that as a starring point. Good luck OP!

Original poster
NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 09:44

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 01/04/2024 01:51

My DH does this as well. I’m glad someone agrees that it’s annoying. I thought I was being unreasonable. I find myself responding “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you!” multiple times a day.

This is me exactly! I love him dearly and I know he loves me but sometimes it drive me so insane and he just doesn't get it!

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 09:45

TealSapphire · 01/04/2024 02:54

My ex did this, but it then gave him the opportunity to constantly criticise everything that went even slightly wrong and make it my fault.

Luckily my husband isn't critical over what I choose, but I just want some enthusiasm.

OP posts:
Original poster
NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 09:48

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 01:32

Basically he wants to go walking in the UK, which is what we do every single year, I would like to go abroad

So, when he says what he wants, you don't do it anyway, and you're waiting for him to agree with you?

When he pushes the question back to you, can you not just say 'It's your turn to decide'?

In 13 years together we have been abroad once, I keep telling him I want to go abroad but he just won't commit and when I tell him what I want to do, he says he doesn't fancy it. I tried saying I would go with a friend but I married him to be with him, not spend my holidays away without it. One holiday abroad every few years is all I ask... surely its about compromise

OP posts:
crumblingschools · 01/04/2024 09:53

Then book something. Has he got an in date passport?

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 09:54

surely its about compromise

Yes. So stop insisting he does something he doesn't want to do. Stop trying to get him to be somebody he's not. You married a man who doesn't want to go abroad. It's not his duty to do what you want. It's not your right to insist that he does what you want.

He has as much right to his style of holiday as you have to yours. The compromise, in this instance, would be that you go abroad without him, but you won't, because you won't compromise.

Accept him as he is. Then decide if you still want to be married to him. I suspect that's the question you're trying to avoid, with all this self torture.

pickledandpuzzled · 01/04/2024 09:57

You’re being a bit vague. Instead of ‘what shall we …?’, you need to be honest. ‘You decide what to cook tonight, I’m tired.’.

You sound like you want to be nice by politely asking him what he wants. He’s politely saying he doesn’t mind.

Stop pussy footing about and say what you mean/want.

BusyBeeBee82 · 01/04/2024 09:59

I have this problem with my OH when it comes to holidays (and all the other stuff tbh, but I usually just crack on with working out what to buy/cook etc)

when I look for a holiday abroad, I try and find somewhere that has a decent national park or close to some good hiking spots.
Then when I propose somewhere, I tell him the destination and jump straight into there’s also so and so park which has some amazing scenery/waterfalls/wildlife etc, would be amazing to go and explore that etc. Usually piques his interest- is this something you could try with your DH?

pickledandpuzzled · 01/04/2024 10:00

With the holidays- I’m taking the kids abroad this year, so you want to come?
Or The kids should go abroad occasionally and I can’t do it without help. You need to come.
Or I want to go abroad. Shall we alternate? Otherwise I’ll take them aboard one year and you take them to a cottage the next.

UncleHerbie · 01/04/2024 10:04

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2024 01:59

Stop play his game. Honestly, just stop. This is a form weaponised incompetence. He's is leaving all the mental load to you, deliberately, because he can't be fucking bothered. Stop letting him get away with it.

Book a cruise and tell him his days of being a useless idiot are over.

“Weaponised incompetence” - thanks for that, @Aquamarine1029

l knew there was a specific term for it but I could never remember. Cheers!

UncleHerbie · 01/04/2024 10:06

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 09:54

surely its about compromise

Yes. So stop insisting he does something he doesn't want to do. Stop trying to get him to be somebody he's not. You married a man who doesn't want to go abroad. It's not his duty to do what you want. It's not your right to insist that he does what you want.

He has as much right to his style of holiday as you have to yours. The compromise, in this instance, would be that you go abroad without him, but you won't, because you won't compromise.

Accept him as he is. Then decide if you still want to be married to him. I suspect that's the question you're trying to avoid, with all this self torture.

OP said her husband has changed and wasn’t previously like it. Your statement is unfair (imo)

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 10:07

From what you've told us, OP, it looks like it might be a case of there being no point in him saying what he wants. Could there be a little of that going on?

dimllaishebiaith · 01/04/2024 10:07

I think I manage your DH at work

If it helps all the women who work with him feel sympathy for you...