DH always answers questions with a question and its driving me mad!

[NorthernSturdyGirl]

Sorry, just venting here. I love my husband, he is so good in many ways but lately his ability to answer a question with a question is driving me mad! Or if I offer a suggestion, he dismisses it but doesn't offer an alternative.

Me: What do you fancy to eat? - Husband: I don't know, what would you like?

Me: What do you fancy watching on TV? Husband: I don't know, what do you fancy?

Me: Just a gentle reminder its your sisters birthday, any ideas what we can get her?- Husband: Yes it is, what do you think we should get her?

Arrrrrgh - I wouldn't be asking if I knew would I! It would be, do you fancy Lasagne for tea, I'd like to watch Corrie tonight or do you think your sister would fancy x?

Me: I'd like to go on a cruise this year? Husband: No, they are floating plague ships, not my idea of fun! Me: So what doo you fancy then? Husband: I don't know, what do you want to do!

It drives me mad as all the decisions are left to me and some days I just want someone else to pipe up with some enthusiasm!

@UncleHerbie

Yes, he may have changed. She still needs to accept him as he is, and choose from there what will make her happy. Something that doesn't involve him having to change. He's allowed to be a different man every day, if he wants to.

What's unfair about it? OP is responsible for her own happiness. If he doesn't want to join in on making her happy, then she has some decisions to make.

I agree the OP has decisions to make about how she deals with her husband’s inertia but why should she have to accommodate his apathy?

I do this, I just honestly don't mind and think we should decide together. In some cases I know he's going to have a different idea to me, I don't really care that much so easier to just figure it out as we go. Are you generally the stronger personality wise between the two of you?

I agree the OP has decisions to make about how she deals with her husband’s inertia but why should she have to accommodate his apathy

She doesn't. That's my point. But the options are to put up with the apathy, try to change him, or walk away. She doesn't want to put up with it, has tried to change it, and is now pissed off. There's not a lot of options left. It's not unfair to say that.

OP have you tried to communicate with him about the issue, rather than about a specific context? So, rather than 'I want to go on this holiday, why won't you go with me?', could you choose a more neutral time to tell him that his passive attitude is bothering you, in general?

Sister’s birthday, make it not a question, just a reminder, then step away.

That is absolutely crazy! She is begging him to tell her what he wants to do.

He's told her what he wants, on the holiday issue, at least. It's not what she wants to do, so she's pissed off.

Nothing crazy about recognising that a person might not bother saying what they want, when the other person gets pissed off if you do.

Nothing stopped me and that is precisely what I did, every time. Didn't stop them doing it though.😠

My DH used to do this. Drove me crazy too. It's pure laziness, not wanting to make the mental effort to get his brain out of neutral and think. So every time he did the reverse question I just said 'I asked you first, so could you answer my question please?' Worked a treat.

Sympathies OP

I've got one like this. It doesn't matter what I ask him, he says he doesn't know, and what do I want? It's as though he wants the opportunity to be able to disagree with me.

Me: 'I'm just thinking about what to cook for dinner, is there anything you'd like?'

Him: 'I don't know - what do you want?'

Followed by me suggesting a variety of things to which the answer is no, he doesn't want that, and after several minutes I will finally wrestle an answer out of him of what he actually does want for dinner after all. Why doesn't he just say so in the first place?

We went all round the houses trying to decide on where to go for a holiday this summer, and it took about three weeks before he finally said that he'd like to go back to where we went last year.

@isitbananatimealready

Me: 'I'm just thinking about what to cook for dinner, is there anything you'd like

Him: 'I don't know - what do you want

Followed by me suggesting a variety of things

Well there's your mistake. You actually volunteer to do the mental work here. Don't suggest things. Just tell him that it's his turn to choose, and if he picks something you don't have the ingredients for, he's the one going out to get it, so he needs to check the cupboards too.

This is assuming you want to cook. Otherwise 'It's your turn to do dinner' will suffice, followed by you not having any further thoughts about dinner.

@NorthernSturdyGirl

OP why don't you let him go and do his walking holiday (for which he's responsible for making ALL the arrangements) and you go off and have a week somewhere you want, either alone or with a friend/family member? Otherwise you're stuck in aspic waiting for him to show any enthusiasm whatsoever. This includes meals (just cook what you'd like and if he doesn't appreciate it he's responsible for the next meal. He should be sharing things like this anyway. If he can't cook there are billions of cookbooks which he can use...

Take charge more of your own life and he can either come along with you in your relationship together or he/you can think again. The two of you are supposed to be partners- time he stepped up. 🌹

The food's an easy enough sort, just say OK we will have what I choose, then do it, or don't bother asking him. He could be a man of routine (stuck in a rut). So I suspect he'd be happy with set meals on set days of the week.
The holiday, you've been trying to get him abroad for years, but he wants a walking holiday staycation, so he's just going to say no to all abroad suggestions. He doesn't offer an alternative because he already knows what he wants and knows you don't want it. Have you asked him "will you come abroad somewhere this year?" Has he said yes, then says no to all suggestions, or would he say no to that?
It sounds like he's given up deciding because he knows you like different things. I think the only way to get to do what you want is to do it with other people. You are both skirting around saying what you want to do because your decisions will be different and really, the only compromise would be to do what he wants for a week, then go and do what you want with a friend for another week.
It's clear you want different things.

No, I would like a holiday abroad, we have been together 13 years and we have been abroad via
Euro Tunnel once. - so I would say it is the other way around if anything. When we got together, I told him I had a bucket list of places I would like to go and he said it sounded good. Every year I suggest going abroad or something different and every year we have the same walking holiday in the UK at a place he wants. He occasionally intimates, he will go, but when I try booking it, he diverts and finds reasons not to do it,

If you book something @NorthernSturdyGirl would he refuse to go?

So this is it, I have sat him down and had a good conversation with him on previous occasions and explained just that. He says its because he really is happy to go with the flow but that is not what he says when he does it. Otherwise the conversation would be..me: do you fancy a cruise this year? Husband: Not something I would have chosen but yeah happy to give it a go! That would be him going with the flow.

If I ask why not, he says he doesn't like heat, so I suggest the Norweigan Fjords or Iceland and he still comes up with excuses. He also says he doesn't like chain hotels, fine, we go self catering etc. But he doesn't mind hotel chains when we visit his family!!! The goalposts just keep moving.

I love him, he loves me and we have a very good marriage otherwise, but sometimes the apathy just gets to me. I have occasionally offered suggestions which he declines but doesn't offer alternatives. I spend hours trawling holidays and offering up suggestions without joy unless its a walking holiday in the UK. So I leave it. What then happens is, it gets to a few weeks before the leave we have booked from work and we end up paying over the odds for a walking holiday in the UK....I just lose the will to live. I want to book a holiday that we are both excited about, the anticipation is as much the experience as being there.

I also want to spend downtime with my husband, holidays with friends are good, but I married him to spend time with him....its just every now and then this apathy really gets me.

Except he always gets what he wants OP wants to go abroad they have done that ONCE in 13 years the rest of the time they have done holidays his way

She gets to decide what to eat because he won't she gets the joy of choosing gifts because he turns that into her issue too she tells him what she wants he says no but won't offer any idea of what he wants

And this is it exactly. If I try putting my foot down, the stress just negates the whole point of a holiday. I have tried not buying presents for his family and leaving it to him but then we end up running about like headless chickens in the 48hrs before the birthday and spending twice as much.

We both work full time, I do all the shopping, cleaning, he will cook but wants me to tell him what to cook. I just need a break from decision making and let him share the load occasionally. I also see friends getting really enthusiastic about panning their holidays and I want that too. It just seems like a drudge at the moment and we are too young to be at this stage.

You aren’t describing apathy though, OP. You are describing a man who gets his own way all the time by saying no to all your suggestions.

You need to be less passive, less accommodating, and take control.
Right, this year I’m booking and deciding, next year you can book and decide.

He’s controlling you via inertia- if he’s a nice guy, he doesn’t realise he’s doing it. That makes no difference to you though. Stop accommodating it.

Prepare for success as though he were a challenging client/customer/colleague you need to work with. Stop letting him control the narrative while considering himself the easy going one. You are effectively conspiring in your own disempowerment!

I don't know, maybe I should try it!

Sorry OP it's not apathy it's manipulation. He's using never giving a straight answer to get what he wants, whilst SOUNDING as if he's open to other ideas.

Your example of the Fjord cruise. So all the excuses result in.... a UK walking holiday.

The cinema example.... the result it, you don't go. Because he never wanted to see a movie in the first place.

Sister's birthday present - you end up deciding and probably buying it. Because he doesn't care and can't be bothered.

You aren't going to get excitement because he only wants to do the things he's interested in. Which aren't the things you want to do. Can't you see that?

You say he loves you, Maybe he does (probably because you usually go along with what he wants and do all the things he can't be arsed with) but not enough make any sort of effort or put himself out.

It's hard to see that someone we think loves us is in fact using and manipulating us for their own ends but sometimes, that's the hard truth.

@pickledandpuzzled and I cross posted with the same reaction! And I agree with her "He’s controlling you via inertia".

I'm a guy and I do this.

My wife is very picky and likes control, so it's 'safer' to take a back seat. I don't see it as weaponised incompetence, rather strategy learned from experience.

What do you want to eat?
I like everything. My wife doesn't like curry, pizza, fish and chips (or many things).. whereas I could eat the same thing every day or simply have protein powder. I'd rather give her the choice as it saves the unending "no, I don't like that" or the after-the-fact "I'm not a fan of x, can we not have it again".

TV... I'll watch most things, but she'll get up and leave if it's sci-fi, horror, documentaries etc with a "well I might as well just do some work if this is what we're doing" attitude.

Presents: This might be laziness on my part, but my guy friends don't tend to care about gifts, and I would choose to defer to a woman's perspective for female friends/relatives.

Holidays: My wife has been to most places and hates Asia (my favourite), so her asking me where I'd prefer to go is irrelevant... We're not going to end up going there. She is also very empowered, and when I booked a holiday once with military precision, she hated it, because even though there were things for her, she didn't have the visibility of things like she would have had, had she booked them herself.

OP and other partners above might not be like my relationship, but I think it's probably 99% down to apathy. There's always one partner who isn't too fussed about food, gifts, TV, holidays etc, so it's easier to let the more 'picky' one take the lead.

If you want a firm decision, offer options... pizza, pie, or pasta? If he then says he doesn't care, tell him to pick one... but don't THEN tell him you're not in the mood for one as he'll revert back to letting you decide.

Firstly stop asking him. They don't hear what you don't say.

My step sister thought her son was rude and disobedient when she said 'name, do you want to come in, now?'
Son '... No.'

She thought she was telling him what she wanted, he did not hear it. He did exactly what she'd asked and gave his answer. No, he's not ND.

DH is leaving all the decision legwork to you because it's easier for him.

Tell him I want to watch xx tonight at 8 on channel 4

We're having xx for dinner.

Please go to Tesco and get xx.

Next holiday I want to go here in June.

We can do the walking trip in July.

If he says I don't want to do that, tell him
making decisions means making an effort. If you come up with a specific alternative plan we'll consider it. Until then, we're doing ... this.

Yes.
Because this is what I would do if enabled.
Leaves you all the mental space to yourself.
Clever.