DH always answers questions with a question and its driving me mad!

[NorthernSturdyGirl]

Sorry, just venting here. I love my husband, he is so good in many ways but lately his ability to answer a question with a question is driving me mad! Or if I offer a suggestion, he dismisses it but doesn't offer an alternative.

Me: What do you fancy to eat? - Husband: I don't know, what would you like?

Me: What do you fancy watching on TV? Husband: I don't know, what do you fancy?

Me: Just a gentle reminder its your sisters birthday, any ideas what we can get her?- Husband: Yes it is, what do you think we should get her?

Arrrrrgh - I wouldn't be asking if I knew would I! It would be, do you fancy Lasagne for tea, I'd like to watch Corrie tonight or do you think your sister would fancy x?

Me: I'd like to go on a cruise this year? Husband: No, they are floating plague ships, not my idea of fun! Me: So what doo you fancy then? Husband: I don't know, what do you want to do!

It drives me mad as all the decisions are left to me and some days I just want someone else to pipe up with some enthusiasm!

So, manage the world down into chunks they can cope with, for them?

How can anybody stay in a relationship with someone so unprepared to make choices for themselves? And how far do you go with this? Where do you draw the line? Choosing which underpants he'll wear?!

My DH doesn't quite do this, but he can never answer a straightforward question and it drives me potty.

So I ask what time he'll be home and I get a long winded answer about how he'll drop something off to a friend, has to get petrol etc. And I'm still no wiser as to what time he might be home. So I ask again, probably around 7pm, great that's all I needed to know!

He bought quite a big purchase recently of a piece of equipment. I asked him how much he had got it for in the end as I know he had been negotiating on the price. Oh he did me a good deal he said and then moves on to something else. But that's not what I asked, so I have to ask my question again. And then I get an answer.

Drives me mad sometimes!

My partner is ND. He can’t make a decision for shit. I’m also ND and I can’t remember what I did yesterday and have to write notes to remember notes. He on the other hand remembers everything. So I make all the decisions and be reminds me of what I decided. You have to work together with your strengths and weaknesses and accept them.

It’s pure laziness in my opinion. My DH is a bit like this. I organise mostly everything to do with the household/holidays and sometimes it is wearing. (Mine even asks me whether he should wear a coat when going outside!)

Regarding the holiday though I think you should say you have done his kind of holiday for X years so it’s his turn to compromise and go where you would like this time. He might even like it!

I understand exactly what you mean. The subject whether going on holiday or whatever isn't the issue. Unless you live with someone like that people don't get it.

Frustrating as it is I think certain people just can't make decisions unless they have to - as when they first meet someone. I always make the decisions but as you say sometimes things are going on when you just need someone else to come up with something and cheer you up. I really do think they can't help it and don't do it deliberately. My daughter passed away and I said I now need you to come up with things and don't leave it to me as I'm just too low and distraught. Nothing happened! Absolutely nothing ! I have given up but occasionally it gets to me and I try to encourage him to think for himself but it never happens and I end up frustrated. He loves going abroad but never showed any enthusiasm. Never gets excited over food or sweets. However he would get very excited over that sex dungeon. He loves motor racing but I remember when Damon Hill won the Championship it was me who showed the excitement. Think you get the picture!

With the holiday, tell him you've done 12 walking holidays, or whatever the number is, so next one is your choice or no holiday. And the next walking holiday won't be till after you've done a holiday abroad, so him kicking the can down the road won't work. Settle for agreement the first time rather than enthusiasm.

Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is doomed to failure. Of course he does it - that's the established pattern of behaviour for you both.

It may be he's got used to being passive because you do all the mental load and he coasts along on the top.

Stop it.

Especially stop the gentle reminders about HIS RESPONSIBILITY for caring about his own family.

Stop asking him.

Tell him.

I fancy xx for dinner tonight.

I'd like to watch that new series at 9.00.

I want to go and see that film on Tuesday.

I want to go away on holiday with you next summer, and we're going to plan it together.

You want something different, do something different.

In your position I would stop playing his game. For example the holiday - ' I have given you some ideas and you have rejected them all, if you don't have a suggestion by x date I will sort something out for me' - then organise to go alone or with a friend. Don't tell him, just wait for him to bring it up (or until the day before you leave lol), then tell him he is too late if he brings it up.
Cooking example - OK then, I'll leave you to it. Then just cook something simple for yourself. When he complains - 'you said you didn't know, how could I cook for you?'. Again, don't raise it again once he pushes it back to you. Wait for him to realise he hasn't eaten.
The cinema - go alone or with a friend. Don't tell him. Wait for him to call when he realises you are not in the house. 'I asked if you wanted to come and you said no'
The family gifts - mention it once and when he says 'what do you think'. You say 'I don't know but it's your sister so I'll leave it with you'. Then don't do anything. You then say 'we' are running around at the last minute to sort it. No, 'we' shouldn't. His sister, his problem. Just ignore it. Let the birthday pass unnoticed and his sister complains and when she does, apologise and say you (plural) agreed husband would arrange it and you are very sorry HE didn't and you will ask him to apologise and make it up to her.
Currently his attitude is successful because you end up making the decision, and always a decision he has a veto on. It is sort of like playing a game of chicken with you as you run the deadline down to making the decision and you concede each time. Don't. Give him negative consequences that are caused by HIS lack of decision. Just make sure whenever YOU make a decision, you don't make one on his behalf also. I know this is no way to live a life or a marriage but a few weeks or months of this and hopefully putting everything back on you will not seem so attractive to him.

Is he from Co Kerry?

Read up in the passive aggressive husband. You keep saying you love him but his insistence that you do all the wirk and he reserves only veto power is, ultimately, very passive agressive.

Just tell him you want an answer, every time. If he refuses just make your own dinner, book a trip for just you, etc. he might muster up some thoughts. It's not cruel or anything, just the natural result of him opting out.

He can buy his relatives gifts, don't concern yourself with this. Does he buy gifts for your relatives?

The expression 'passive aggressive' gets overused but here is a fine example. He's pretending to be easy going but he's not, is he, because if he doesn't happen to like what you suggest, he feels free to veto it. Seems quite aggressive to me, and perhaps deliberately intended to annoy you, considering how often it happens. You might try exploring it in couples counselling perhaps.
About the holidays, if he really hates going abroad it won't work to try and make him. Go with a friend for a short break and have a UK holiday with DH as well.

I once shouted at my late husband, ‘ not only do you have to do everything for him but you have to THINK for him too’!!!!

You are giving him all the power of veto and non of the hard work.
Tell him he needs to come up with 5 ideas for a family holiday, (you will do the same.) these will be discussed over say...a curry next friday.
And thats not 5 different walking holidays in the uk !..just so he knows.
If he cant or wont then you know hes not all in. Hes just slacking and trying to get his own way.

You keep telling us what a great marriage you have. I would respectfully disagree, from the information you give us

You empower and enable his controlling, selfish behaviour. And you're incredibly passive.

Your husband will not change unless he chooses to and he will most definitely not change whilst you keep doing everything his way

If I had a husband who was as selfish as yours, I'd be organising marriage counselling and making sure i did things my way, without him.

I appreciate that you say you don't want to do things without him, but you have to grow a backbone and stop enabling him .....or your life will never change