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Original poster

DH always answers questions with a question and its driving me mad!

90 replies

NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 00:53

Sorry, just venting here. I love my husband, he is so good in many ways but lately his ability to answer a question with a question is driving me mad! Or if I offer a suggestion, he dismisses it but doesn't offer an alternative.

Me: What do you fancy to eat? - Husband: I don't know, what would you like?

Me: What do you fancy watching on TV? Husband: I don't know, what do you fancy?

Me: Just a gentle reminder its your sisters birthday, any ideas what we can get her?- Husband: Yes it is, what do you think we should get her?

Arrrrrgh - I wouldn't be asking if I knew would I! It would be, do you fancy Lasagne for tea, I'd like to watch Corrie tonight or do you think your sister would fancy x?

Me: I'd like to go on a cruise this year? Husband: No, they are floating plague ships, not my idea of fun! Me: So what doo you fancy then? Husband: I don't know, what do you want to do!

It drives me mad as all the decisions are left to me and some days I just want someone else to pipe up with some enthusiasm!

OP posts:
GingerPirate · 01/04/2024 15:16

pickledandpuzzled · 01/04/2024 13:21

You aren’t describing apathy though, OP. You are describing a man who gets his own way all the time by saying no to all your suggestions.

You need to be less passive, less accommodating, and take control.
Right, this year I’m booking and deciding, next year you can book and decide.

He’s controlling you via inertia- if he’s a nice guy, he doesn’t realise he’s doing it. That makes no difference to you though. Stop accommodating it.

Prepare for success as though he were a challenging client/customer/colleague you need to work with. Stop letting him control the narrative while considering himself the easy going one. You are effectively conspiring in your own disempowerment!

He seems to remain in mental "neutral" because it's not worth the effort.
He seems to want a different life.

Imitationzone · 01/04/2024 15:19

Lots of good advice already. I don’t have an apathetic dp but he doesn’t like to make decisions until the last minute. I am working on starting lots of sentences with “I need…”

I also say “I will cook this tonight, do you want some or will you sort yourself out?”

ive also started saying things like “we are different people and have different needs. I need x and y and you don’t seem to, but that doesn’t stop me from needing what I need. So I am going to do x and y.”

jay55 · 01/04/2024 15:48

On things like dinner, just throw it back, with its your turn to choose.
On the holiday, tell him you're not going on another fucking walking holiday, you're open to suggestions but uk walking holiday is not an option.

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/04/2024 15:50

So much sympathy. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" "Are you going to have one?" Makes me grit my teeth.

BestieNo1 · 01/04/2024 15:54

ODFOx · 01/04/2024 01:17

Why do you think it annoys you so much?
Is there a chance he is letting you choose to be kind?
See what I did there?

I'll get my coat....

Ha ha I get ya! 🤣🤣

category12 · 01/04/2024 16:03

He is what he is.

He doesn't want to go abroad. He wants to go on walking holidays in the UK.

If you want enthusiasm, maybe he'd dig some up for going on a walking holiday in the UK.

You can't make him be other than he is, which is a bit of a drip and emotionally lazy.

If you want to go abroad, go with a friend or family member. Or on your own. I know you don't want to and think you should go as a couple. But you can't make him other than he is.

Maybe if you do fuck off without him, though, and he has to organise himself this year, it'll focus his mind for next time.

AmaryllisChorus · 01/04/2024 16:14

Just say - this week, I am choosing the menus for dinners. Next week you are. Don't ask me, just decide. This week, you choose and organise what we will do on Friday night, next week, I will.

Explain the mental load.

Alternatively, what I did was just start doing things. Not discussing them. Booking holidays etc. When Dh complained I just said - so make decisions then. And he started to.

BananaLambo · 01/04/2024 16:22

You just need to be straight with him.

‘Trevor, I need you to decide what we’re having for dinner three nights a week, plan it, make sure we have the ingredients, and cook it. I am sick of being the one who had to make the decisions. You’re a capable grown up man and you’re more than capable of throwing together an evening meal.

stayathomegardener · 01/04/2024 16:23

DH once complained I decided where we went on every single holiday... yes dear that's because you don't decide.

Wherever you choose I'll go but if you don't get round to it then I'll decide again.

The mental load is very much mine across the board, I'm still working on gradually off loading it 34 years on.

Newestname002 · 01/04/2024 16:57

@NorthernSturdyGirl

its just every now and then this apathy really gets me.

Is it only apathy though? It sounds, as far as the holiday is concerned, that he just calmly but firmly, digs his heels in whilst appearing to give half an ear to your suggestions, wasting your time and efforts whilst not giving an inch, until you give in to the holiday he wants - every time. For years.

Next time, if you're not prepared to break the frustrating pattern and do something that you want, just agree immediately with what he wants and book the hiking holiday. 🌹

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 16:58

Sharptonguedwoman · 01/04/2024 15:50

So much sympathy. "Would you like a cup of coffee?" "Are you going to have one?" Makes me grit my teeth.

Can't you say 'I don't know. Depends if you do'?

dimllaishebiaith · 01/04/2024 17:39

C1N1C · 01/04/2024 13:35

I'm a guy and I do this.

My wife is very picky and likes control, so it's 'safer' to take a back seat. I don't see it as weaponised incompetence, rather strategy learned from experience.

What do you want to eat?
I like everything. My wife doesn't like curry, pizza, fish and chips (or many things).. whereas I could eat the same thing every day or simply have protein powder. I'd rather give her the choice as it saves the unending "no, I don't like that" or the after-the-fact "I'm not a fan of x, can we not have it again".

TV... I'll watch most things, but she'll get up and leave if it's sci-fi, horror, documentaries etc with a "well I might as well just do some work if this is what we're doing" attitude.

Presents: This might be laziness on my part, but my guy friends don't tend to care about gifts, and I would choose to defer to a woman's perspective for female friends/relatives.

Holidays: My wife has been to most places and hates Asia (my favourite), so her asking me where I'd prefer to go is irrelevant... We're not going to end up going there. She is also very empowered, and when I booked a holiday once with military precision, she hated it, because even though there were things for her, she didn't have the visibility of things like she would have had, had she booked them herself.

OP and other partners above might not be like my relationship, but I think it's probably 99% down to apathy. There's always one partner who isn't too fussed about food, gifts, TV, holidays etc, so it's easier to let the more 'picky' one take the lead.

If you want a firm decision, offer options... pizza, pie, or pasta? If he then says he doesn't care, tell him to pick one... but don't THEN tell him you're not in the mood for one as he'll revert back to letting you decide.

This doesn't sound the same at all though

It sounds like your partner is the one with strong opinions on what to do and you are happy to go along with them

Where as in the OPs case her partner is the one with strong opinions but acts like they don't care until they get their own way

So not only does she have to make the decisions she has to play a guessing game to get to the only decision he is going to agree with putting a massive burden of effort on her

Its actually quite passive aggressive

Fairyliz · 01/04/2024 19:52

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 01/04/2024 01:51

My DH does this as well. I’m glad someone agrees that it’s annoying. I thought I was being unreasonable. I find myself responding “I don’t know. That’s why I’m asking you!” multiple times a day.

Mine too! Drives me up the wall, just make a bloody decision!

Sceptical123 · 01/04/2024 20:29

Differentfromtherest · 01/04/2024 01:36

I had a friend exactly like that. So bloody annoying.

Me: do you want a cup of tea?
Him: are you having one?

Me: are you hungry?
Him: Are you?

I can't stand it when someone can't have an opinion on anything without knowing what yours is first.

Maybe they don’t want to put you to any trouble. Presumably you wouldn’t ask if you didn’t mind doing it but they might feel uncomfortable if you’re just doing the task for them and then they’re eating/drinking alone?

isitbananatimealready · 01/04/2024 23:57

Watchkeys · 01/04/2024 10:48

@isitbananatimealready

Me: 'I'm just thinking about what to cook for dinner, is there anything you'd like

Him: 'I don't know - what do you want

Followed by me suggesting a variety of things

Well there's your mistake. You actually volunteer to do the mental work here. Don't suggest things. Just tell him that it's his turn to choose, and if he picks something you don't have the ingredients for, he's the one going out to get it, so he needs to check the cupboards too.

This is assuming you want to cook. Otherwise 'It's your turn to do dinner' will suffice, followed by you not having any further thoughts about dinner.

It's not just about cooking. It can be anything. If we are going out (somewhere he wants to go) and I ask him what time we need to leave, he says he doesn't know, and what do I think? I don't care - I just want him to tell me what time I need to be ready.

It gets worse. He may have decided to go for a walk, which takes him past the shop, so he can pop in and pick up anything we need. He can be standing beside the fridge and ask me whether we need any milk. Just look in the fridge ffs!

Sharptonguedwoman · 02/04/2024 08:23

Newestname002 · 01/04/2024 10:52

@NorthernSturdyGirl

OP why don't you let him go and do his walking holiday (for which he's responsible for making ALL the arrangements) and you go off and have a week somewhere you want, either alone or with a friend/family member? Otherwise you're stuck in aspic waiting for him to show any enthusiasm whatsoever. This includes meals (just cook what you'd like and if he doesn't appreciate it he's responsible for the next meal. He should be sharing things like this anyway. If he can't cook there are billions of cookbooks which he can use...

Take charge more of your own life and he can either come along with you in your relationship together or he/you can think again. The two of you are supposed to be partners- time he stepped up. 🌹

Absolutely this.

Blueey · 02/04/2024 08:32

I think this is a form of control. I've met men like it before, lovely, friendly, kind, outwardly pretty great... But passively always get their own way. In such a mild, non-confrontational way that it's really hard to push back against without sounding hysterical.

In this case OPs husband just likes UK walking holidays and that's what he wants. By being just slightly negative about every single other idea, he eventually gets his way. OP you need to name it - 'husband, you always have something negative to say about holidays unless it's a UK walking holiday. Do you just not want to go abroad?' and then explain you want something different this year and you'll go ahead and plan it (with his needs in mind as well as yours) if he doesn't have any thoughts of his own. Could you do a mix of walking and what you want, but in a mild climate abroad?

With the answering questions with a question thing, does he eventually end up with you doing it, or going with one of your suggestions? Eg 'it's your sisters birthday soon, what should we get her', when he responds with a question do you then give suggestions that he goes with and/or end up sorting it yourself? As if so again he is passively avoiding doing the thing he doesn't want to do, whether it's holidaying abroad or sorting a present.

With dinner etc I'd just tell him what you're making if your cooking, and make whatever you fancy eating.

Watchkeys · 02/04/2024 08:33

@isitbananatimealready

it's not just about cooking. It can be anything. If we are going out (somewhere he wants to go) and I ask him what time we need to leave, he says he doesn't know, and what do I think? I don't care

Well then tell him you're not going to start getting ready until you know what time you're leaving. Currently you just do it all his way, so why would anything change? You can't expect someone to just spontaneously be the way you want them to be, without saying to them what you want. 'I don't want to decide what time we're leaving, I want you to tell me' will get you what you want.

'I don't want to decide x, I want you to make a decision and tell me' is universal.

Toptotoe · 17/05/2024 07:52

I sympathise. . . .
My husband can get like this about holidays. He only ever wants to go to West Wales so when I ask him about him booking leave to go abroad he becomes evasive and non committal - it’s so annoying. About a week ago I told him I’m going to start arranging holidays abroad with friends/ family/ on my own as I really enjoy travelling ( to places that are not west wales - nothing against the place I just like variety 😄)
I told him I’d rather be on holiday with him but I’m not going to force the issue anymore as I feel like I’m trying to drag a reluctant child to the dentist .
Funnily enough he has now said he wouldn’t mind going to Italy if I want to book that . . . There’s still the small matter of the dates he can do but I feel it’s progress . . . Maybe this approach could work for you OP?

Brefugee · 17/05/2024 08:03

Is it just a personality thing? if he can't choose from "this thing or literally anything else in the world" (eg cruise holiday) or "literally anything in the world" (eg what do you want for dinner) then stop giving him choices that you know he can't/won't handle.

For dinner: just make a meal plan each week? it helps with the shopping anyway
For holidays: have you been on holiday before? you presumably know what he likes? suggest a choice of 3? or tell him: we're going on holiday from x to y date - book it please.

for his sister: no. His family, his problem. Your family your problem.

etc etc. Some people are paralysed by vast choice. Don't ask them open questions, and it causes less stress all round.

Brefugee · 17/05/2024 08:30

Book a cruise and tell him his days of being a useless idiot are over.

the one thing he explicitly said is that he doesn't want a cruise. If my partner did that - after i had explicitly said that is not what i want - I wouldn't go.

VoteHappy · 17/05/2024 08:35

Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2024 01:59

Stop play his game. Honestly, just stop. This is a form weaponised incompetence. He's is leaving all the mental load to you, deliberately, because he can't be fucking bothered. Stop letting him get away with it.

Book a cruise and tell him his days of being a useless idiot are over.

This but also stop asking him to validate what you want to do and just tell him!

I'm doing lasagna tonight and I want to watch Corrie at 8pm

There .Done.
So PA with all the what do you fancy when you know what you want already.
If he doesn't want lasagna he will tell you!

VoteHappy · 17/05/2024 08:36

Oh and stop reminding him about birthdays.

Simplefoke · 17/05/2024 08:57

I’m not a man but I do feel sorry for them sometimes. They are always being accused of playing games. My mum constantly nagged at my dad for not making decisions and she got quite hostile in the end. He simply learnt that his answer wouldn’t be right so stopped having one. He doesn’t like going abroad, full stop, his answer won’t change. Find someone else to go with.

jannier · 17/05/2024 09:19

NorthernSturdyGirl · 01/04/2024 01:28

Cheeky beggar! 😁😉

In fairness though that did cross my mind at one point but when I was really down I was struggling with all the decisions I was being asked to make (work and in my personal life) and I told him that and it didn't change. But more than anything, I need to see some enthusiasm for the things we do, some get up and go.

Every single week I do the shopping and usually do the cooking, I ask what he fancies, he throws it back to me. I ask him if he fancies going to the cinema (that indicates I do), and he says no. I ask him what he fancies doing, and he asks me back what I want to do....well I have just told him and he doesn't fancy it - fine, life is about sharing but what do you want to do? Please come back with some ideas hubby!

Show quote history

Sounds like he wants to be stuck in his rut....walking holiday, usual TV, you do all shopping etc .so change it...I've booked x as you couldn't come up with anything, it's your week to shop and plan meals, your cooking Monday, Wednesday, Friday put what you need on the shopping list....then on Sunday as you didn't put on the list don't forget to shop on your way home. Then after a few weeks stop the reminders
Why do you get his sister's gift?

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