Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable

119 replies

Mooseylooseyloo · 31/03/2024 20:35

I don't even know where to start.

Me Female 42 and my partner Male 41 years.
I've been with my partner for 3 years ( known him 15 yrs) , the last 12 months has been tense as he's depressed about his job/working situation and Is desperately trying to change careers to become a property investor. He's done numerous courses and has one propery on the go which is making a little money. In my eyes he is still very novice at this (6 months) mistakes have been made, but I know its all part of learning. To add, he has no money of his own, only his wages, he has no savings and is trying to do property through investors money.
Cutting to the issue.
A few weeks ago he was looking at a property that needed an investors money, the 2 that he knows wasn't Interested, so he came to me and said he had a thought, that I could be the investor as I have equity in my house ( I owned my own house for almost 20 years and i have 150k plus equity) I said I would think about it.
I did, and I don't feel comfortable taking money out (at the time he wanted 70k) I told him I didn't feel comfortable taking money out, it's a house we live in and my kids home and I would not want to risk it in any way. Since then (several weeks now) he has been quite cruel to me, Silent treatment, talking to me like crap, he says I'm a f idiot as I could be earning interest on the money and how he would be giving me back more etc, how my money is worthless being stuck in a house blah blah. Yesterday he said he was sorry for the way he's been and is just stressed as he so desperately wants to get into property and it was stressing him. Well todsy he has read a chapter in a book about equity and has started again, calling me names and saying how I wanted to be partners etc and yet I won't take the money out (30k he wants now) and now I'm getting silent treatment again stomping around, slamming doors etc, he told me he's not interested in my empty words of support and encouragement. This is because I won't take equity out of my family home.

Please I need another person's perspective on this, am I being unreasonable? , should I risk it to help him? He has never done it before and I just don't want to be the guinea pig. If I had the money just sat in a bank account then fine, but I'm nervous at taking it out of my house and him not being able to pay it for some reason and me becoming liable.

Thanks for reading.

OP posts:

Playinwithfire · 31/03/2024 21:56

Absolutely not unreasonable.. get this man to the dump!! He is throwing a tantrum because you won't do what he wants!! Without ANY due care for you OR your children! Naw.. it would be bye byes from me! What an actual prick.

He sounds a like a person who jumps two feet first without assessing the situation, and pulls everyone along with him!

JJathome · 31/03/2024 21:59

This is shocking. I can’t believe you would even consider you should allow this arsehole to bully and abuse you into giving him money, taking it out your family home.

end this immediately. Tell him to sling his hook and get the hell away from you and yours.

Dacadactyl · 31/03/2024 22:02

Get rid of him. Even though it's been 3 years, he could still be a conman.

And even if he's not, he's taking the pure piss expecting you to fund his property investor dreams. DO NOT DO IT.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/03/2024 22:05

Kick this abusive piece of shit out of your home. This should be a total deal breaker for you, and it alarms me that it might not be.

ThatsMsAtomicBob · 31/03/2024 22:06

Even if it was "just sat in a bank account" I wouldn't give it to him anyway. He has asked you to do something that benefits him while you take an unnecessary risk, and abused you when you declined.

He's a grade-A arsehole who needs to get in the bin.

Geebray · 31/03/2024 22:08

YANBU. Do NOT give this man your money. There's a reason that two other people thought it was a stupid idea.

Letsgodancing · 31/03/2024 22:11

I don't know too much about this but some of these property courses especially if his paid money towards them are extremely dodgy, there's a guy called Samuel Leeds who does them amongst many others and they really encourage people to do some shady practices and extremely high interest loans in the name of making it as a property developer. It sounds like his been sucked in and told short term pain long term gain BS.
Do not give any money and do not risk your house. Also I'd bet the property course or books he has been reading are run by some very shady people

MILTOBE · 31/03/2024 22:14

If you let this abusive man persuade you into letting go of your hard won equity, then you need to be locked up for your own good.

And doesn't he realise, ffs, that you can't release equity without having to make increased payments? Who does he think is going to make those payments, eh?

He's nasty as well as dim. Tell him to get the hell out of your house.

Bluestarling · 31/03/2024 22:15

Wonder if he's being a.dickhead to the two others who aren't interested?

Nope...just you !

Maninthemoonsmiles · 31/03/2024 22:16

You have done really well to own your ownhome and house your DCs. Please find someone your equal who will make your life better not drag you into homelessness and debt through abuse and using your money for get rich quick schemes with little backing or skill. Steer clear OP and lose this horrible person who is preying on you for his own ends. You can make a great life so much better without him. Why would you even tolerate being treated so appallingly. You are worth SO much more.

Mayflower282 · 31/03/2024 22:16

Remember the phrase “A fool and their money are easily parted”….dont let him make you into a fool. I can guarantee he will lose your money 💯

Ladyprehensile · 31/03/2024 22:17

His projects, his business.
Don’t risk the roof over your kids’ or your head. Just don’t.

Slightly different but years and years ago I refused my late husband a big loan against a type of life insurance policy which was made over to me in the event of his death. I refused despite the massive rows it caused over a period of weeks. He got over it and found another solution.

Stick to your guns. You are not being unreasonable.

WatieKatie · 31/03/2024 22:18

Is he proposing that you ‘gift’ him the money to invest in his own name or you invest in your sole name?

Has he provided full due diligence on the investment, who it’s with, whether the return in guaranteed, return on investment etc? Has he outlined the tax implications?

This is your house, your equity and financial security for you and your children. If he wants to invest let him borrow the money from a bank or perhaps his friends or family. In all honesty OP he sounds abusive and I’d be using this opportunity to draw a line under him.

leftkneeonbackwards · 31/03/2024 22:19

no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

under no circumstances consider giving him any money to invest. Under no circumstances consider risking your and your children's home.

Absolutely not.

And he sounds like he is being really horrible to you and treating you really badly.

Personally I'd end it. But even if you don't, make it 100% clear that you will be risking your house absolutely NEVER, and his treatment of you is unacceptable.

Icepinkeskimo · 31/03/2024 22:25

Do not lend him a single penny, that is all I can advise.
While your at it have a good hard think about your relationship.

Alicewinn · 31/03/2024 22:25

Urrrgh! Cross with Mummy because she won’t give the child money. If he wants to become an investor he needs to risk his own money, not yours. This has made me angry, what an entitled child prick.

Hibye23289 · 31/03/2024 22:30

Omg nope, nope and nope! So he throws his toys out the pram when he can't get his own way and results to trying to get you to back down by abusing you verbally. Makes me feel uncomfortable, my exh was bad with money and I was apparantly controlling if I didn't agree to one of his financially bright ideas so he would go and lie about it.

I would get out whilst you can to be honest

Tel12 · 31/03/2024 22:33

The thing is you have already invested in property. You've lived there for many years and now have a substantial amount in equity. Why on earth would you want to risk it? The fact that he's trying to bully and coerce you into taking a major financial risk is the real issue.

Saintmariesleuth · 31/03/2024 22:37

Please do not give this man any money, and definitely do NOT risk your home. No matter what he says. He could easily go and get a loan from a bank- either he knows this is risky, and would rather YOU take the risk, or he's terrible with money and knows they won't lend to him.

On top of this, he's demonstrated that he won't take no as an answer from you and is happy to behave horribly towards you and make you feel upset and uncomfortable

I'd get shot of him- don't mention anything about the money/loan etc- just tell him this relationship is over. End of.

P.s- should you need anymore convincing not to go through with this- would you want to go in to business with someone who is mean, obsessive and sulks when they don't get their own way? Doesn't sound like a recipe for success to me (edit for spelling)

CatOnTheLap · 31/03/2024 22:37

He had approached two investors, who are not interested. One assumes that these two people have more experience in this area than you do, so ask yourself why they have said no to “D”P. If the knowledgable/experienced investors think it’s not a good prospect, why would you want to put your money & home at risk ?
Is the house you and “D”P live in owned solely by you? Does he pay a fair share of household expenses or are you supporting his lifestyle?
What does he do to enrich your life? Please note that emotionally abusing you and insulting you are not benefits to a relationship.

Fernticket · 31/03/2024 22:46

OP. Be careful that he doesn't try to take out a loan in your name against your house. Make sure he doesn't have access to any of your personal documents.

ButtockUp · 31/03/2024 22:51

He's desperate as no one else is interested, understandably so.

Absolutely DO NOT, give him your money, your safety net, your future.

No, no , no and no a trillion times.

IdaPrentice · 31/03/2024 22:51

WELL DONE for saying no to him, that was such a good decision.

Next you need to tell him the relationship is over.

Original poster

Mooseylooseyloo · 31/03/2024 23:08

Thank you so much to everybody who took the time to read and comment.
It's crazy because if I read this, I would be answering the same as all of you, but as its happening to me, I'm questioning whether I'm right or wrong. I have one very good friend that I confide in, and she hates my OH so I just needed to get a strangers perspective on this situation.

To clarify, he moved into my house, he was sofa surfing when we met having recently left a relationship. He gives me £400 a month, I don't know if that is good or bad as I've never received money from a man like this before, it includes all of his food that I buy and make, packed lunches for work, toiletries etc and food for his dog. My outgoings on mortgage and bills are a LOT more, probably around £1700 a month, but i don't know what is a fair price for him to pay. He said £400 is all he can afford and if he could give more he would, this is also a reason I don't want to lend the money as interest would need to be paid on it, and if he can't afford to pay more than 400, where is this extra money going to come from.

To be honest there is soooo much more to the story in this relationship which started out so great, but I've reslly seen his true colours at times. I'm just finding it very hard to exit this relationship. I don't know if it's my age and a fear of being on my own forever, also when i got into a relationship with him, I was in quite a vulnerable state having a year earlier exited a 15 year relationship.

OP posts:

AutumnFroglets · 31/03/2024 23:16

£400 / month is what a child gives their parents when they've just started work. How much rent is a one bed flat in your area for a start?

You have an abusive cocklodger OP, time to let him go.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5