Splitting wedding costs when calling off wedding

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

Turning to MN for some advice here, if anyone might be able to help.

I’ll try not to go too far into the particulars of the relationship here, as there’s so much that’s unhealthy and wrong (he’s emotionally abusive, hasn’t yet turned physical but has made threats) so I don’t want to distract from the point too much.

I’ve been in an emotional ‘cycle’ with him for some time now, with him being the ‘perfect’ partner when I think I am ready to leave, but then the awful behaviours come back.

I’m coming to the realisation now that even though it may be incredibly tough so ‘start over’ at 33yo, I need self preservation as far as possible.

We had a wedding planned and stupidly, I coughed up the deposits, planned it all and signed the paperwork.

Cancellation costs are now very considerable, but perhaps a small price to pay in the scheme of life.

i have asked more than once now, that he settle his half of these costs, so we can move on.

Well, shock, he hasn’t and I suspect won’t. He’ll start getting nastier over this when I ask. Another way he shows me how life would be with him and why I have to escape.

i am just hoping and praying that legally, he needs to pay me this. Obviously this was our wedding. I even tried to call it off and went as far as exploring this with the venue. But I allowed myself to be lured back in. This money means a lot more to him than me (he has hundreds of k wrapped into property and investments - I have a few k, a nice sum but a drop compared to him), and it would be money I’d need to start my new life away from him.

Does anyone have any advice or experience in this please?

thank you for reading

It’s not clear from your post. Have you called the wedding off? If you called it off then unfortunately I think it’s just something you’ll have to suck up and expect to pay fully. If you haven’t called it off…then do so now and run far far away while you can.

Thanks for replying. When I wanted to initially postpone, he was very angry and tried to make me feel like a terrible person for that. Again, I was stupid but got sucked back in and carried on.

Now, I’ve called him out on the abuse. Told him he plays mind games, does things for power over me, is disingenuous etc. As a result of me calling things as they are, he says he doesn’t want to be with me (perhaps common with someone like him, this is all new to me and never happened in previous relationships)

however I am sure that when it suits, he’ll say it’s me who wants to call it off 😪

I need to end by saying that I feel so drained and fragile from being under the same roof. I can’t wait for this to feel better. I am still emotionally ‘attached’, like you would be to something you know is bad for you. I feel weak for being here, but understand now how abuse happens to people and it’s not as simple as just leaning, mentally anyway x

He won’t pay. Of course he won’t. Consider it the price of your freedom and be grateful you’re not married.

No, I think you’re right. I wondered whether because it’s a wedding and obvious it’s a joint venture, that I could ask the venue to address the bill to us both. Also, we own a house together, so it may go as far as court to split this too, as we both own it jointly. I don’t know how all that goes though. I don’t know if it’s worse in court because we aren’t married

When splitting the asset, include the shared debt on the list of items to be adjudicated on. You'll need a solicitor for the house sale, so add this to the list when you are making your appointment. Which should be first thing Monday, if not by email tomorrow!

Thank you, this is helpful, and I was hoping I could link it all in. I am utterly dreading what lies ahead, but I know I’ll thank myself one day. At least, I hope I will xx

things have to be better than this, there have to be better men out there, one day, when I’m ready!!

I divorced 3 weeks before my 35th birthday, accepting it'd probably mean no child etc.

I'm now 37, remarried and baby is due in 4 weeks with a wonderful husband this time. In short I think you've made the right decision

Thank you so much for giving me hope. How did you meet your new and lovely husband? Happy for you. I hope I can find similar after this.

Surprisingly tinder! Mate said 'have some fun' and I'd already decided with an aunt I wouldn't be serious for a full 12 months of dating. Just do my job, enjoy my life, but.... well let's put it this way. 2 years into this marriage and, honestly I love him so much.

Sometimes I look at my ex-husbands instagram - he's pretty wealthy with a life full of expensive restaurants etc - and all I can think is how I've won the lottery by accidentally finding my husband of now.

Poor thing must regret marrying me though 😄🤣

You are both liable for costs so they would come after both of you. It's not as simple as you pay half then your done.

Did you both sign the contracts?

This, for sure. Move on and live well, it will be the thing that irritates him most, and best for you.

It sounds like you haven’t contacted any of your suppliers to cancel yet, in which case I suggest you do so as a matter of urgency, they may be able to resell their services on your date if it’s a popular one and waive some of the cancellation charges. Definitely worth negotiating with them but the more notice you give them the better.

As for the costs, did he sign the contract as well or was it only you? If only you then you’d have to pursue him through court for wedding costs, and may/may not be successful depending on the judge and the argument he gives.

Im sorry this has happened but you’re definitely better off not married to him.

Yes I’ll be honest, and please don’t think badly of me, but I have thought well my current partner is doing well financially, maybe I should be grateful, maybe this is as good as it gets.

wow, that’s great that you met. I hope one day I can meet an easy going, kind, friendly man who wants to be in a partnership, and that both of our needs count. I hope!!

Yes the money needs to be paid one way or the other. What I mean is, it’s me who has paid it all so far, so will they just come after me, will it just be a debt in my name. I need it to be that it would affect him by not paying. Me asking for the money isn’t enough, he’ll never do what I ask as a partner.

Who signed the contract(s)?

Unfortunately my ex-fi didn't pay towards the lost deposits for our cancelled wedding and I was left quite out of pocket. I rang all the vendors to explain and unfortunately it was just tough in most cases. A few were sympathetic and didn't charge the full amount as they found other jobs on that date.

Cancel ASAP. The later you cancel, the more you will lose. It will still be cheaper than divorcing.

If you are obliged to pay 100% now, I did hear of someone who still threw a big party on their wedding day, just without the groom, so the food was still enjoyed! Also heard of one who donated the reception to homeless people!

Any money due is who signed the contract. If both of you did it is a joint liability if only you it is your responsibility.
Recovering from a 3rd party on a contract you signed is complex, even when it is obvious it was for the benefit of both of you. An argument often made by the 3rd party is they didn't agree to all the things you signed up to or the level of expenditure etc etc. You can see how it can go. I never wanted that hotel, I never wanted that photographer and reinventing every conversation you ever had. It's a difficult one if they contest everything.

First thing is to get liabilities as low as possible. Ask anything booked to be resold. Contact everyone you have a contract with. Explain the situation. Unfortunately, it's not that uncommon. They will have dealt with it before.
Next is to get legal advice about joint assets of the house and the final debt from wedding. If it worth pursuing or not will depend on a number of things.
Ensure you are not bullied or manipulated emotionally by him during this process. Get support from friends and professionals.
Keep end goal as your focus. Your life is going to be so much better once you get to the end of all this.
People finish toxic relationships at your age everyday and go on to meet new partners they have a happy life with and start families. Don't let that thought of being on your own cloud your thoughts of what you need to do now.
Good luck.

Please be careful. If he has threatened violence you know that the time between saying you will leave and actually leaving can be dangerous? Women’s aid give good advice on keeping safe, don’t assume that you are.

congratulations on getting rid of him.

Go through with the wedding, then divorce him and take half his money and investments.

(Or at least point out to him that you will do this if he doesn't cough up.)

A terrible idea and won’t work, a judge is not going to award the OP half the partners assets after a very short marriage.

In order to divorce they need to be married. They're not . . .

You need to first cancel the wedding with suppliers. You may find some suppliers may be sympathic to the abuse circumstances.

You shouldn't ask for your deposits back but unless the wedding is in the next couple of months they might be forgiving.

However this seems to have been going on for weeks and yet you've not started yet? Why is that?

No. Just me. They only had one space for the name and I dealt with it all. Stupid, in hindsight. But I get swept away and logic doesn’t always prevail for me, sadly

You’re right, this has been going on for a while now. I’m not proud of myself for it, but I’m in a cycle with him and I am ready to leave, then he changes his tune and I get sucked back in. I’ve never handled this before, but I’m trying to be somewhat compassionate to myself, as I understand this may be ‘normal’ in the cycle of abuse