Splitting wedding costs when calling off wedding

[justfindingmyway]

Hi everyone,

Turning to MN for some advice here, if anyone might be able to help.

I’ll try not to go too far into the particulars of the relationship here, as there’s so much that’s unhealthy and wrong (he’s emotionally abusive, hasn’t yet turned physical but has made threats) so I don’t want to distract from the point too much.

I’ve been in an emotional ‘cycle’ with him for some time now, with him being the ‘perfect’ partner when I think I am ready to leave, but then the awful behaviours come back.

I’m coming to the realisation now that even though it may be incredibly tough so ‘start over’ at 33yo, I need self preservation as far as possible.

We had a wedding planned and stupidly, I coughed up the deposits, planned it all and signed the paperwork.

Cancellation costs are now very considerable, but perhaps a small price to pay in the scheme of life.

i have asked more than once now, that he settle his half of these costs, so we can move on.

Well, shock, he hasn’t and I suspect won’t. He’ll start getting nastier over this when I ask. Another way he shows me how life would be with him and why I have to escape.

i am just hoping and praying that legally, he needs to pay me this. Obviously this was our wedding. I even tried to call it off and went as far as exploring this with the venue. But I allowed myself to be lured back in. This money means a lot more to him than me (he has hundreds of k wrapped into property and investments - I have a few k, a nice sum but a drop compared to him), and it would be money I’d need to start my new life away from him.

Does anyone have any advice or experience in this please?

thank you for reading

Thanks so much. The voice in my head telling me financially I can’t cope alone is crippling at times, it also leaves me caring about the person he’ll no doubt replace me with very quickly in the home I worked so hard to pay half towards. But, you’re so right. I can’t allow the cost of the wedding to keep me stuck. I may try adding it in with the solicitor when the house situation comes up.

I love this, and your bravery gives me courage. Thank you for sharing

I’m going to try and keep it amicable. By some miracle, I might be able to appeal to his better nature.

You’re right. I just want inner peace right now. And then one day in the future, I hope I can meet someone with a beautiful soul who wants to enjoy each day as far as possible. Current partner is just fixated on money and materialistic things, but very much for himself and not the good of the partnership (or lack of). I work full time in london, but he’s even said, he doesn’t feel I support him through the long hours he works. Meanwhile, my needs are totally steam rolled!

If you don't want to marry him it is far better that you just pay now even if he won't. Also, the way he is behaving should surely tell you all you need to know. Good luck.

@totallybonkerswarning totally derailing the thread but you say you left previous H at 35, and are now 37, yet say you've been married two years - how does that work? Lovely you're happy though.

it also leaves me caring about the person he’ll no doubt replace me with very quickly in the home I worked so hard to pay half towards.

@justfindingmyway

Honestly, you should feel nothing but pity for the poor unfortunate woman he cons into a relationship.

As far as the house, there are 3 options; you buy him out, he buys you out, the house is sold & the proceeds split. Unless he has the money to buy you out, he's not going to 'replace you in the home' because the home will no longer be his. If he does offer to buy you out, see a solicitor and get the best advice and best deal you can. Houses are bricks and sticks, you'll find another one someday. And it will be full with love and peace and Mr Right.

Better you finding out now , imagine the turmoil if you had children and financial links to this guy... you've not just dodged a bullet,but the whole firing squad.good luck and 33 is no age at all to start over.

Is it in your name or joint names? If your name you'll have to pay it and can try and claim it in small claims. If jointly. Then you'd need to ask the venue- although I assume that even if you paid half they wouldn't care and would come after both of you. You probably need to just pay and then decide how you want to try and recoup the money ey from him.

Did you have wedding insurance?

Thank you, this is helpful and grounding advice. He has the means to buy him out. I’ve explored my options and sadly I do not. I could if I had someone to go onto the deeds with me as the shortfall isn’t wild, but I’m not in that position. So, my best focus is happiness in the future

Thank you. Regarding your point on safety, it’s hard to say. I think I need to be aware that once it is all cancelled and he feels there’s nothing left and no need to even try to keep this going, it could all get worse. It’s wild, he’s someone that for 5.5 years is either smothering, affectionate, generous and thoughtful, to a screaming, swearing, manipulative and abusive boy when I challenge him or ‘criticise’ him on anything. He also sees apologising as grovelling. I don’t know why I try to mentally unpack his reactions, really, but I do! I’ve been around my dad who is verging on emotionless, but this is something else!!

It’s a sunk cost and worth every fucking Penny to get away from the dickhead. Thank your lucky stars you saw the light in time to call off the whole thing. You will thank yourself in a year’s time!

Find somewhere safe to stay and get whatever you own or want from your joint house now as it may be difficult to go back.
Use a solicitor to sell the house and apportion costs if you can do - you want as little to do with him as possible considering he could turn nasty.

I'd consider it a small price to pay for your happiness, but also a lesson learnt, that no matter how lovely they are to start with, always cover your arse.

I'd speak to the venues and explain what's happened and ask them to help. Some of them might be lovely and do what they can to reduce any costs, others might stick to the letter of the contract.

It's not clear if you have any joint assets such as a house etc that when sold you could ask for a larger % to cover the wedding costs, but I suspect as the contracts were in your name alone, the letter of the law/contract might see you high and dry. In some cases, for the sake of your mental health, and if you can afford it, is to just pay it and wash your hands of him.

Your best focus is ALWAYS on your own happiness. Only when we are truly happy can we live our best lives. I also think that only when we are truly happy can we make those around us happy, too. And that's when we find the right person for us because they are drawn to us and we're in the right 'place' to make a good character judgement and a wise decision.

If you can't afford to buy him out and there's truly no one you feel comfortable putting on your deeds so you can (and you are right to be very cautious!) then you need to see a solicitor, probably a family solicitor as they would probably have the most experience with settlements regarding family homes. I'm sure they'd be happy to work for you on this. Also, they will be best placed to advise you on what to do to file for a 'forced sale' if he drags his feet or tries to force you out.

I'm in the US so not sure how they work in the UK, but in my cousin's divorce the house 'issue' was quite complicated. She wanted to keep the house, but it wasn't as simple as "Oh, your equity is X amount, you pay him half". It had to do with the actual value of the house at the time of separation, the mortgage balance, as well as the equity, not just the equity they had in it. You don't want to attempt to figure what's fair to you on your own. And trust me, he is NOT going to be honest or fair with you. You need legal advice and a legal agreement. You can also ask a solicitor about the deposits and penalties, but TBH I'm pretty sure you'll be told that as the sole contract signee you have the sole liability.

And I'd seek that advice ASAP. Knowledge is power and the sooner you have the power the sooner you'll be able to leave. But please don't tell him you're seeking legal advice. It's none of his business, and besides for all you know he may already have done so and not told you. You tell him ONLY when you are legally prepared to listen to his offer. Just expect it to be ridiculous.

As far as being stuck with the deposits or penalties on the cancellations, consider it the price of freedom and some gained wisdom. As long as we learn something from our experiences, we haven't 'failed'.

Thanks so much for your wise and kind words. I’m stuck in a loop of feeling as mentally ready to leave as I think I ever will, then I get the ‘nice’ side, and he becomes very reasonable, wants all the same things I want etc.

and the most stupid part of all, it happens again and again and I still get sucked in. I do not like myself for it. I have posted here more than once as people have been so helpful, but feel guilty that I still haven’t made the moves yet.

I’m going to try and keep it amicable. By some miracle, I might be able to appeal to his better nature.

Don't bother. He doesn't have one. This will just keep you locked into ducking and diving his mindgames, and prolong the agony.

Double check if you have any insurance/recourse via credit cards, and contact the venues and suppliers asap, as the longer you leave it the more you will pay. Don't stick your head in the sand and hope he will wake up one day and want to do the right thing, not going to happen.

Make an appointment with a solicitor and see if you can include the debt to the settlement for the house. No way out but through here, but I can promise you that some of the happiest couples I know didn't meet until way after 33, me included. Get him out of the way and on with your one short life OP. Rip off the plaster.

Thank you so much for your reply. Some good news, he paid over a big wedge for the wedding, so one way or the other, it would cover a third of it as it stands currently.

What I’m really struggling with right now, is the reasonable side I get in a calm moment. And it makes me doubt myself, doubt that the bad things aren’t as ‘bad’ as they seem, that I may be expecting something I could never find.

I know in a world full of people, there must be good men out there who would (one day) be better suited to me. But no guarantee that life will go this way, you know?

But, his red flags do make me feel uneasy. Mood swings, manipulative in arguments, and some aggressive things arising out of his temper (angry driving, a door handle that ‘came off in his hand’).

Something about my psyche allows him to penetrate my mind, and I then feel sorry for him.

Sorry, I feel I’m probably waffling a lot lately. This is so very hard for me mentally.

What I’m really struggling with right now, is the reasonable side I get in a calm moment. And it makes me doubt myself, doubt that the bad things aren’t as ‘bad’ as they seem, that I may be expecting something I could never find.

This is not an accident, neither is it your fault, but it is your responsiblility to yourself to put an end to it, because he won't. Your distress and confusion suits him fine.

This is the classic cycle, he behaves agressively, you get upset and threaten to withdraw from the relationship, he is sorry and manipulates you into doubting what you saw and heard and wheedles his way back in, there's a calm period, until the cycle happens again.

You're not the first, you won't be the last, but you really could do with clueing yourself up on what's going on, you'll then feel less like you're going mad and be able to disengage and feel stronger and make sure you don't fall down the same hole in future. There are one hundred percent good men out there, but you need to learn to walk past the bad ones first, and that needs some work on your part.

Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft
The Freedom Programme also helpful, and while you may not feel this is a case of abuse you will no doubt recognise some patterns.

What I’m really struggling with right now, is the reasonable side I get in a calm moment. And it makes me doubt myself, doubt that the bad things aren’t as ‘bad’ as they seem, that I may be expecting something I could never find.

I know in a world full of people, there must be good men out there who would (one day) be better suited to me. But no guarantee that life will go this way, you know?

@justfindingmyway I'm pleased he's stumped up some £££ and, you're absolutely right that there are no guarantees how life will go.

What I can tell you is that red flags are only likely to get bigger, stronger and multiply by themselves.

I gave you some advice way up thread, about not looking at a man's best qualities, but judging by his worst. I've known my DH since year 8 and had a ring on my finger when I was old enough to vote, now we have grandchildren. I know him inside out. There are two things about him that annoy or upset me. He's an absolute PITA about looking after his own health, while worrying over all the family and he gets his toothpaste in the most awful mess. Solved that by giving him a separate tube. The health thing I know I have to be watchful and push him around when necessary.

There's a scale of the issues that people are able to live alongside, your ex's are at the wrong end of it, anyone can see that.

Yes they’re issues about the general disposition of day to day life, and in our house. And it’s unpredictable. Sometimes I think I’m openly thankful when we’ve had a nice weekend together, like one huge sigh of relief!

I have learnt a lot of things about abuse since I got into this, one of them being a trauma bond. Perhaps this is where I am.

When I tell him how he’s been and how it’s made me feel, if he’s not shouting, he’s saying how what I say has shattered his self esteem, that he feels I see him as a monster, some kind of ogre. And then I feel deeply sorry to hear someone say that, and to see them hurting (unless it’s an act?)

I am so caught up in trying to work out what is going on with him. And I feel sorry for him in the quieter moments.

when I’m living on the eggshells, I resent him deeply.

thank you for listening to me everyone. I’ve said before and will say again, this has really been my safe space.

Taking action is so very difficult for me mentally.

and the most stupid part of all, it happens again and again and I still get sucked in. I do not like myself for it.

@justfindingmyway

Do you recognize when this starts to happen? If it's a case of sort of 'willfully' ignoring the red flags with 'maybe he's changed, he's being so nice' you can do what I did. Get a piece of paper and write a list of the nasty things he's done and the ways he's deceived you with his words. If you can, try to set them in some sort of chronological order so you can see that he's deliberately reeled you back in time and again after you've mentally decided you're done with him. Then fold that paper up and keep in with you. When you feel yourself being 'reeled in' take that list out and read it. Read it over and over to remind yourself that he's done this before and that he NEVER sticks to his promises and ALWAYS reverts to his nasty true self. I think 'visual' things help us to remember and are harder to dismiss.

Doing this helped me to see the pattern and sort of forced me to accept that it wasn't 'different this time'. It was exactly the same old shit wrapped up in the same old wrapping paper.

I think even if you don't recognize when you're being reeled in, just writing it down and reading it every day can help you to be strong.

But do NOT write the list in a way that puts blame on you and don't use words of self blame. It should be a simple statement of facts; 'he did <mean thing> and then he did <'nice' thing> to make me forget how he hurt me' or 'he called me a bitch then said he was just upset because I did <innocent thing you did that he's using for an excuse>'.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. It will take time. It may 'seem like forever', but when it's all over you'll realize that this is but a blip on the radar of your entire lifespan. You have decades yet to come.

Thank you so much for this, this is so helpful, and tangible. I have kept journals of things that have gone one, and have shared some details with friends as I really needed a sounding board.

the last part really helped about this being a marathon rather than a sprint. I’ve felt so much shame for ‘how long’ I’ve still been here (together six years in August), but as you say this is perhaps a speck in terms of the life I hopefully have left.

things are staring me in the face, and I STILL get swayed, still don’t find the strength to ‘snap’. Perhaps it’s a lack of boundaries on my part; he even said himself he’d have left if he felt the ways I did about him. I’m in therapy, but I haven’t had the real ‘aha!’ moment where I can leave without initially breaking my own heart. Perhaps that never comes and I need to ride the deep shame, disappointment and heartache that will no doubt come (and hopefully go!).

it feels like a realisation of life really not being a fairytale and I feel now no man will ever change my mind. But I do dearly want to meet a kind, caring and safe man, one day, to ‘do life’ with xx

Hi there, sorry to here what you are going through. Please don't let him reel you back in again. You deserve so much more than the way he is treating you.

Please don't think you will be childless too. I met my wonderful husband at 34, married at 37, had my first child at 38 and second at 42. We have been married almost 16 years now.

Throw this one back onto the rubbish heap and find someone who will treat you with the love and respect you deserve.

@justfindingmyway

I’ve felt so much shame for ‘how long’ I’ve still been here (together six years in August), but as you say this is perhaps a speck in terms of the life I hopefully have left.

Six years is a speck. But when you're in the middle of it, it can feel an eternity. My 1st (abusive) marriage lasted 5 years. It felt like forever. But now, looking back (I'm in my 60s) it truly was a speck. I was 24 when I kicked him out, I've lived 40 years since then and, the Good Lord willing and the creek don't rise, will live 20 more. You're 33, only a few years older than I was. You've got at least 50 years in front of you to live a life of laughter and joy.

things are staring me in the face, and I STILL get swayed, still don’t find the strength to ‘snap’. I’m in therapy, but I haven’t had the real ‘aha!’ moment where I can leave without initially breaking my own heart. Perhaps that never comes and I need to ride the deep shame, disappointment and heartache that will no doubt come (and hopefully go!).

The way 'out' is different for everyone. Some people snap and leave in anger, some people get weighed down until it's intolerable and leave carrying the burden with them, some people can say "Right, I'm out" and walk away from it all. But here's the thing, no matter how you leave, there will be heartbreak. Because you aren't grieving the loss of the man, you're grieving the death of the dream. The dream of what you thought your life would be like if he had been all you thought he was.

And we have a right to grieve that. But we will find a new, better dream. And it will be stronger because it will be based on 'who we are' and not dependent on a man to fulfill it. If the right one comes along and wants to journey with us, fine. If not, then we will find our happiness without one.

it feels like a realisation of life really not being a fairytale and I feel now no man will ever change my mind. But I do dearly want to meet a kind, caring and safe man, one day, to ‘do life’ with xx

No, life is not a fairytale. That was a hard one for me because my parent's marriage was a fairytale, it truly was. I'm not saying their life was perfect, but the fact is that they were two people who wanted the same things and just happened to find each other. They walked life's path side by side until Dad died and it was beautiful to see. I think it that is very rare. For most of us marriage is a constant compromise. Sometimes little unimportant ones and sometimes great big critical ones. My parents seemed to see eye to eye on everything. Of course, life was much, much simpler back then. But as wonderful as their marriage was, it can also create unreal expectations in their offspring. And that was what happened to me. I expected that every man was going to be like Dad, and I mentally 'forced' them into that image in my head. But I digress.

You may meet Mr Right, you may not. We don't know what life holds for us. I certainly wasn't looking when I met DH, but that's a tale for another day. The fact is that we need to build our dream around US, who we are and where and how we will be our best 'self'. That way if Mr Right comes along we'll be in the place to know and accept him. If not, well, we're living our best life on our own anyway, right?

You'll get there, trust me. 1000s of us have been where you are and 1000s of us have come out the other end happy and fulfilled with what life had to offer us.