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Original poster

Splitting wedding costs when calling off wedding

99 replies

justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 04:08

Hi everyone,

Turning to MN for some advice here, if anyone might be able to help.

I’ll try not to go too far into the particulars of the relationship here, as there’s so much that’s unhealthy and wrong (he’s emotionally abusive, hasn’t yet turned physical but has made threats) so I don’t want to distract from the point too much.

I’ve been in an emotional ‘cycle’ with him for some time now, with him being the ‘perfect’ partner when I think I am ready to leave, but then the awful behaviours come back.

I’m coming to the realisation now that even though it may be incredibly tough so ‘start over’ at 33yo, I need self preservation as far as possible.

We had a wedding planned and stupidly, I coughed up the deposits, planned it all and signed the paperwork.

Cancellation costs are now very considerable, but perhaps a small price to pay in the scheme of life.

i have asked more than once now, that he settle his half of these costs, so we can move on.

Well, shock, he hasn’t and I suspect won’t. He’ll start getting nastier over this when I ask. Another way he shows me how life would be with him and why I have to escape.

i am just hoping and praying that legally, he needs to pay me this. Obviously this was our wedding. I even tried to call it off and went as far as exploring this with the venue. But I allowed myself to be lured back in. This money means a lot more to him than me (he has hundreds of k wrapped into property and investments - I have a few k, a nice sum but a drop compared to him), and it would be money I’d need to start my new life away from him.

Does anyone have any advice or experience in this please?

thank you for reading

OP posts:
Original poster
justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 10:54

ClareBlue · 31/03/2024 10:21

Any money due is who signed the contract. If both of you did it is a joint liability if only you it is your responsibility.
Recovering from a 3rd party on a contract you signed is complex, even when it is obvious it was for the benefit of both of you. An argument often made by the 3rd party is they didn't agree to all the things you signed up to or the level of expenditure etc etc. You can see how it can go. I never wanted that hotel, I never wanted that photographer and reinventing every conversation you ever had. It's a difficult one if they contest everything.

First thing is to get liabilities as low as possible. Ask anything booked to be resold. Contact everyone you have a contract with. Explain the situation. Unfortunately, it's not that uncommon. They will have dealt with it before.
Next is to get legal advice about joint assets of the house and the final debt from wedding. If it worth pursuing or not will depend on a number of things.
Ensure you are not bullied or manipulated emotionally by him during this process. Get support from friends and professionals.
Keep end goal as your focus. Your life is going to be so much better once you get to the end of all this.
People finish toxic relationships at your age everyday and go on to meet new partners they have a happy life with and start families. Don't let that thought of being on your own cloud your thoughts of what you need to do now.
Good luck.

Thank you so much, this is super helpful!! I think perhaps because I’m in it that my judgement is very clouded. I know there’ll be a period of depression after this, but I know everything passes eventually.

i do ultimately feel sad that this kind of thing happens, and probably so often. What would anyone get out of breaking others down mentally and emotionally? I cannot comprehend it.

OP posts:
AnAwfulPerson · 31/03/2024 11:05

BananaLambo · 31/03/2024 04:22

He won’t pay. Of course he won’t. Consider it the price of your freedom and be grateful you’re not married.

Yeah, this. You'll have to pay but it will be worth it to be rid of him. Just learn the lesson and move on, happy that you're not spending the rest of your life with an abuser. Also 33 is really young, you've got so much good stuff ahead of you with him out of your way.

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 11:06

Are you looking at getting him to pay you 50% of the non-refundable deposits? It’s not clear to me.

AnAwfulPerson · 31/03/2024 11:06

User478 · 31/03/2024 10:28

Go through with the wedding, then divorce him and take half his money and investments.

(Or at least point out to him that you will do this if he doesn't cough up.)

An awful idea. Absolutely don't do this.

Mrsttcno1 · 31/03/2024 11:09

justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 09:33

Yes the money needs to be paid one way or the other. What I mean is, it’s me who has paid it all so far, so will they just come after me, will it just be a debt in my name. I need it to be that it would affect him by not paying. Me asking for the money isn’t enough, he’ll never do what I ask as a partner.

Show quote history

OP you’ve received incorrect advice here. Unless he also signed the contract with the venue/florists whoever it is, then it is only you who is liable and will be chased because they legal agreement is only with yourself.

martinisforeveryone · 31/03/2024 11:11

@justfindingmyway as PP have said, whatever it costs you out of pocket now, won't be anywhere near as much as the emotional and monetary cost if you go ahead and end up divorcing..

You might not feel it right now, but you're young and the world is full of opportunities. Going forward, the advice I gave to my DDs is that when you decide to enter a long term relationship with someone, don't be wholly swayed by their best qualities, think about their worst, or most irritating and the times they haven't been so great. Set your bar higher and make sure you're still very happy to live with the worst of them.

Original poster
justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 11:12

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 11:06

Are you looking at getting him to pay you 50% of the non-refundable deposits? It’s not clear to me.

Ideally yes. But also the venue, the largest cost, incurs a 75% charge at this point of the remaining balance if we cancel. Which is a significant sum

OP posts:
Original poster
justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 11:15

martinisforeveryone · 31/03/2024 11:11

@justfindingmyway as PP have said, whatever it costs you out of pocket now, won't be anywhere near as much as the emotional and monetary cost if you go ahead and end up divorcing..

You might not feel it right now, but you're young and the world is full of opportunities. Going forward, the advice I gave to my DDs is that when you decide to enter a long term relationship with someone, don't be wholly swayed by their best qualities, think about their worst, or most irritating and the times they haven't been so great. Set your bar higher and make sure you're still very happy to live with the worst of them.

Thank you. This is great advice and I’m grateful for it. I’m so close with my mum but she had struggles of her own, in her marriage, which also I imagine affected me as a child. I think I have weak boundaries and expectations. Friends say to me I’m worth more, that I could easily meet a wonderful man. But the voice in my head tells me that they have to say this. Something deep inside me tells me I’m not worthy, subconsciously anyway. I am sure of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 11:16

AnAwfulPerson · 31/03/2024 11:05

Yeah, this. You'll have to pay but it will be worth it to be rid of him. Just learn the lesson and move on, happy that you're not spending the rest of your life with an abuser. Also 33 is really young, you've got so much good stuff ahead of you with him out of your way.

Show quote history

Thank you for this. Darn society sweeps you away with its expectations at times, doesn’t it?

OP posts:
PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 11:16

justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 11:12

Ideally yes. But also the venue, the largest cost, incurs a 75% charge at this point of the remaining balance if we cancel. Which is a significant sum

Show quote history

Thank you for clarifying. I don’t think he has any legal obligation to reimburse you. It’s worth talking to the venue to see if there’s anything they can do; maybe even lay on the waterworks a bit. If it’s a popular venue and booked for peak season, they may have a reserve list of people who want that venue. You just don’t know if you don’t ask.

Winter2020 · 31/03/2024 11:17

I agree if you signed the contracts only you are liable legally. The venues can't chase anybody else.

Any money he gives you or the venues will be at his discretion. I suppose you could argue verbal contract (in court in theory) with your partner but the conversation "if we cancel the wedding are you going to pay half of the deposits" sounds a pretty unlikely conversation- and it sounds like it is you cancelling rather than him.

I think you would be better to accept the lost money as a price worth paying to be shot of him.

ringmybe11 · 31/03/2024 11:30

I called off a wedding to my ex at age 35 when it became clear that he wouldn't change. I paid the non refundable costs as it was my decision and worth it to be rid of him and make a clean break quickly. The same year I met my now husband through OLD, we took it slow and dated for ages and 6 years on we are married and have a 2 year old together. I am so relieved I had the strength to do that with my ex. Leave, cut all ties and don't look back.

martinisforeveryone · 31/03/2024 11:31

justfindingmyway · 31/03/2024 11:15

Thank you. This is great advice and I’m grateful for it. I’m so close with my mum but she had struggles of her own, in her marriage, which also I imagine affected me as a child. I think I have weak boundaries and expectations. Friends say to me I’m worth more, that I could easily meet a wonderful man. But the voice in my head tells me that they have to say this. Something deep inside me tells me I’m not worthy, subconsciously anyway. I am sure of it.

Show quote history

First off about the deposits, I'd attempt for your suppliers to address the invoices to both of you and reference 'the wedding of X and Y' You never know, but don't hold your breath that he'll play fair. Obviously you didn't have any kind of insurance in place?

Second about what your friends say, no, they're not obliged to big you up, they wouldn't be friends with you if they didn't like you, not proper friends. They want the best for you. Just remember, like houses and people's 'forever dream homes' a partner doesn't have to be perfect, they just have to be really good for and with you and vice versa too. Some people are great, but like with chemical reactions, just not so good with various other individuals. Look for someone who brings out the best in you, makes you feel loved and secure and the same for you to them. Your current DP's pay cheques won't compensate for any of that.

DistinguishedSocialCommentator · 31/03/2024 11:33

OP
In the scheme of things, just pay what you want and see what he says

You had a lucky escape just imagine if you had a child - so be positive and try to move on as fast as you can

mondaytosunday · 31/03/2024 11:35

If only you did signed the contracts I imagine only you are legally liable. Of course morally he should pay but doesn't sound like he will.
Call everyone, explain the situation, and a few of the suppliers may well give you the deposit back depending how far away the wedding date is. Forget about the 'what ifs' just put your thinking head on and figure out how to extract yourself from this relationship.
I got married at 40 and had two kids - met him through an old fashioned introduction agency (not online).

Turmerictolly · 31/03/2024 11:37

Sadly, you've signed the contracts so the responsibility for payment is with you.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 31/03/2024 11:42

PrincessofWells · 31/03/2024 10:41

In order to divorce they need to be married. They're not . . .

Show quote history

I know? I was replying to the post I quoted advising the OP to go through with the wedding anyway and try and claim half his assets…..

Soontobe60 · 31/03/2024 11:43

I’d speak to a legal person for advice on whether you can expect him to pay half.
With regards to the rest, I left my 1st DH when I was 30. I walked out of our home with no money, no job, a toddler, had credit card debt and a loan solely in my name but used to pay for a previous holiday and home improvements. I moved in with my parents. Within 3 years, I had got divorced, paid off the debts, got remarried, bought a new house and started planning for a new baby.
We have just celebrated our 30 year anniversary.

JackSpaniels · 31/03/2024 12:46

If you have to pay 75% then see if they will let you have a massive party on the same day at the venue up to the amount of the 75%

PotatoPudding · 31/03/2024 12:50

JackSpaniels · 31/03/2024 12:46

If you have to pay 75% then see if they will let you have a massive party on the same day at the venue up to the amount of the 75%

That’s a great idea!

clarrylove · 31/03/2024 12:51

If you sell your engagement ring, will that cover it? Don't give it to him back.

BoohooWoohoo · 31/03/2024 12:56

I know someone who couldn’t get their money back so said fuck it and threw a party on that day anyway (without the groom and his friends/family)

PrincessofWells · 31/03/2024 13:18

Op has failed to say who the parties to the contract are. If in Ops name only, it's extremely unlikely she will be able to hold her ex responsible for any portion unless they had a conversation prior to the contract in which the ex agreed verbally to share costs half and half.

BoohooWoohoo · 31/03/2024 13:33

PrincessofWells · 31/03/2024 13:18

Op has failed to say who the parties to the contract are. If in Ops name only, it's extremely unlikely she will be able to hold her ex responsible for any portion unless they had a conversation prior to the contract in which the ex agreed verbally to share costs half and half.

She said her name is on the contracts because there was only space for one name

ClareBlue · 31/03/2024 16:24

If he was there and talked to the manager etc and agreed the booking in front of them there might be recoverable costs even though he didn't sign.
But all he has to say is he didn't want to break the contract and wanted to get married so the only reason the cost are there is because OP unilaterally called off the wedding. It's a really hard one and it's of course wrapped up in extreme emotion on both sides.
OP, is his sense of public shame and not getting his own way going to put you at risk.
Be careful as this could tip him over an edge if he is that way predisposed.
Take care of your safety first.